something witty.
there is a lot i need to say, i just need to get it off my chest before i stop breathing. this is going to impact some of you who choose to read it, and if you dont want the truth, then please, stop here.
the bus ride from atlanta was ample time for me to deal with these demons. im depressed, i have been for a long, long time, and i have to admit, i deserve it, its been coming for a while. when im rationalizing this fear of mine, i came to the realization that ive lost something. ie lost one of my best friends. in the midst of all this crap, this living so far, this finding new people, this world that wont just stop so i can catch my breath, ive been let go. i hit me when i was leaving, when i was on the bus, and i saw them walk away, in this weird happy way, holding on to eachother, i realized ive lost my meaning. when she cried in the car, because he was working, and she had to give up time with him, i felt sad, i couldnt do anything. and when im putting my bag in the car, driving to the bus station, sitting there, waiting for them to open my gate, not even a sad look, not even a tear. i dont want her to be sad, i want her to be happy, and thats why im so disgusted, it would have felt good to know that i still meant something, some sort of inclement, something, just to let me know how much i mean. i dont come around that often, and i feel like my visits will me more sparse from here on out, not because there was no crying, but because it was different this time, like it wouldnt have mattered either way, like better her than him, like she wasnt losing much as i was getting on the bus. the world changes, people change, words change, style changes, music change, and feelings change too. i guess im not ready to accept this change at this point in my life, everything seems to be falling apart, my life seems to float further from what i want it to be, soon all i will have is myself, i guess i have to learn to grasp that. i mean, i dont have anyone here, alison has her own priorities, i cant talk to jennifer, but i havent been able to in such a long time its just an understood thing, and i feel with corey, its just weird, like i wouldnt be telling her things if something was different, or she feels that way. or maybe its just that i dont feel like im there for here when she needs someone. i have no one here, no one around, and the two people i did have, well, they are changing too, and soon ill have no one. i mean, im pretty close to no one now, and i just dont feel like i have the strength to find someone new. i dont want to be on medication, i dont want another fucking therapist fuck telling me how to cope, i dont feel like dr. codell telling me to try this new pill for this reason or that, and i dont want to fall back into where i used to be, i ran so hard from those habbits, but i guess im snowballing back toward them, and i dont have the will to stop myself. who the fuck do i run to when im alone in a dark room, no light to help me find the door? this chilling wind keeps blowing out my matches, how can i crawl when i cant control my own mind, who do i cry out to, when no one will stop and throw me a rope? all these people running by, like im some sort of homeless fuck, some filthy lump on society's ass, like im a problem that no one really wants to fix, i tried screaming ages ago, but no one even looked to see who was dying.
the bus ride from atlanta was ample time for me to deal with these demons. im depressed, i have been for a long, long time, and i have to admit, i deserve it, its been coming for a while. when im rationalizing this fear of mine, i came to the realization that ive lost something. ie lost one of my best friends. in the midst of all this crap, this living so far, this finding new people, this world that wont just stop so i can catch my breath, ive been let go. i hit me when i was leaving, when i was on the bus, and i saw them walk away, in this weird happy way, holding on to eachother, i realized ive lost my meaning. when she cried in the car, because he was working, and she had to give up time with him, i felt sad, i couldnt do anything. and when im putting my bag in the car, driving to the bus station, sitting there, waiting for them to open my gate, not even a sad look, not even a tear. i dont want her to be sad, i want her to be happy, and thats why im so disgusted, it would have felt good to know that i still meant something, some sort of inclement, something, just to let me know how much i mean. i dont come around that often, and i feel like my visits will me more sparse from here on out, not because there was no crying, but because it was different this time, like it wouldnt have mattered either way, like better her than him, like she wasnt losing much as i was getting on the bus. the world changes, people change, words change, style changes, music change, and feelings change too. i guess im not ready to accept this change at this point in my life, everything seems to be falling apart, my life seems to float further from what i want it to be, soon all i will have is myself, i guess i have to learn to grasp that. i mean, i dont have anyone here, alison has her own priorities, i cant talk to jennifer, but i havent been able to in such a long time its just an understood thing, and i feel with corey, its just weird, like i wouldnt be telling her things if something was different, or she feels that way. or maybe its just that i dont feel like im there for here when she needs someone. i have no one here, no one around, and the two people i did have, well, they are changing too, and soon ill have no one. i mean, im pretty close to no one now, and i just dont feel like i have the strength to find someone new. i dont want to be on medication, i dont want another fucking therapist fuck telling me how to cope, i dont feel like dr. codell telling me to try this new pill for this reason or that, and i dont want to fall back into where i used to be, i ran so hard from those habbits, but i guess im snowballing back toward them, and i dont have the will to stop myself. who the fuck do i run to when im alone in a dark room, no light to help me find the door? this chilling wind keeps blowing out my matches, how can i crawl when i cant control my own mind, who do i cry out to, when no one will stop and throw me a rope? all these people running by, like im some sort of homeless fuck, some filthy lump on society's ass, like im a problem that no one really wants to fix, i tried screaming ages ago, but no one even looked to see who was dying.