Aimless Ponderings
I detest studying vocab, so I'm going to just ramble on in a pointless attempt to clear my thoughts, and perhaps make some revelation? I don't know. I really wish I knew how to tell if he really likes me. Part of me is dying to know, and then there's this little voice that tells me that it's much better if I don't know. Knowing always seems to frighten me off. I find out a guy likes me, and it scares me to death, so I push him away. I like what I have with JinFuLei.....whatever it is.....I sort of wish I knew what it was. I call it a friendship, but there are times when I feel closer to him than just a friend....and yet....I don't even know. I'd like to be closer to him I think. I miss having somebody to be really close to. Actually...I don't think I've ever been quite this close with a man before. I love it, but at the same time it scares me. I'm afraid of screwing it up, or him deciding he doesn't want to see me anymore....anything that would ruin what we have right now. I like what we have...whatever it is. I find comfort just in his presence. God, I never thought I'd be so afraid of relationships.....but now that I've found somebody I like this much...I'm thoroughly petrified! I don't know what to do. I think about it constantly, wondering how I really feel and what I should do about it. I'm terrified that I'll accidentally do or say something to scare him away. I really wouldn't know what to do then. I suppose for now I'll just take our...whatever it is...as it comes. I don' t want to get too eager and screw things up. If I start to feel more serious, or think that he might, I can initiate a talk....otherwise, it's best to leave things alone, I think.