Nobody
I am a nobody.
I will always be a nobody.
Ninty-nine percent of the time, I'm ok with that. I think in my own way I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be famous. In a world as obsessed with fame and celebrity as ours however, it is nearly impossible not to entertain such dreams. I succumb to it sometimes, usually in my pajamas singing and dancing in front of the mirror, but I try to remain realistic.
Think about it. What percentage of the human race, the whole human race since the dawn of man, has actually gone down in history to be remembered by the masses either by word of mouth or the history books?
I'd say less than one percent.
So yes, in the grand scheme of things I am a nobody. It doesn't matter if I draw this portrait or write this story or wear this outfit or drive this car or live in this apartment. It doesn't matter if my hair is short or long or dyed or natural. It doesn't matter if I wear makeup or jewelry. It just doesn't matter.
I think far too much of my life, subconciously, has been about my struggle with being a nobody...
This is excruciatingly painful to explain in text. Not because its desperatly private or embarrasing...just because its abstract and I'm not very good at organising my thoughts and emotions.
No. I don't think I want to be famous. That's not really it.
You know what I want?
More than anything in this whole world I want to be understood. And not in the moody teenager sense.
I mean really understood...
Maybe a better word is known...
In my day to day life I come into contact with a decent amount of people and they're all so vastly diffrent and I know them all in widly varying capacities. Its strange how you really do wear diffrent hats in life.
I really am diffrent people at diffrent times. I'm still me. All my hats are definitly mine and nobody else's...but they're still hats.
When I'm at home with my mom, I'm the daughter. When I'm in school I'm the student. When I'm with my kid I'm the mother. When I'm at my aunt's I'm the neice and so on. Same goes with my online life too.
But only when I'm alone am I really me. Truely and completely me.
And not to sound conceited but that makes me kind of sad because honestly, I think the real me, the whole me, is pretty amazing. Nobody ever sees that person. Isn't that kind of a waste?
To be fair though, there is one person whom I think gets the most, if not all, of that me and that's Celine.
With everyone else I could tell you exactly which parts of myself I turn off when I'm around them. Everyone I know, we tend to stick to a handful of things and not much else. And that's cool I guess. I don't think it really hurts me or my mental state much.
Maybe it does, who knows...
Celine, I wish I could sit on my sofa with you and talk till dawn. I wish I could cook for you and go to the bars with you. I wish we could listen to music together. I wish my kid could meet you. I wish we could sit around and write together. Sometimes I wish I had met you years ago...but then I remember what I was like years ago and I think better of it. Its almost like I wasn't good enough for you then.
This post has digressed so much. Everytime a truely inspirational, mindblowing thought comes into my head that I really believe is worth typing twenty paragraphs about...this happens. Rereading this there are so many things I want to say that aren't here. Just about these topics too. But I don't know how or when to say them. Some of them are so abstract I don't even know what they are in any real way.
Sorry but this is what happens when I have a rockstar at midnight while watching almost famous and smoking a whole pack of cigarretes.
also livejournal hates me and posting this has become its own seperate pain in the ass.
I will always be a nobody.
Ninty-nine percent of the time, I'm ok with that. I think in my own way I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be famous. In a world as obsessed with fame and celebrity as ours however, it is nearly impossible not to entertain such dreams. I succumb to it sometimes, usually in my pajamas singing and dancing in front of the mirror, but I try to remain realistic.
Think about it. What percentage of the human race, the whole human race since the dawn of man, has actually gone down in history to be remembered by the masses either by word of mouth or the history books?
I'd say less than one percent.
So yes, in the grand scheme of things I am a nobody. It doesn't matter if I draw this portrait or write this story or wear this outfit or drive this car or live in this apartment. It doesn't matter if my hair is short or long or dyed or natural. It doesn't matter if I wear makeup or jewelry. It just doesn't matter.
I think far too much of my life, subconciously, has been about my struggle with being a nobody...
This is excruciatingly painful to explain in text. Not because its desperatly private or embarrasing...just because its abstract and I'm not very good at organising my thoughts and emotions.
No. I don't think I want to be famous. That's not really it.
You know what I want?
More than anything in this whole world I want to be understood. And not in the moody teenager sense.
I mean really understood...
Maybe a better word is known...
In my day to day life I come into contact with a decent amount of people and they're all so vastly diffrent and I know them all in widly varying capacities. Its strange how you really do wear diffrent hats in life.
I really am diffrent people at diffrent times. I'm still me. All my hats are definitly mine and nobody else's...but they're still hats.
When I'm at home with my mom, I'm the daughter. When I'm in school I'm the student. When I'm with my kid I'm the mother. When I'm at my aunt's I'm the neice and so on. Same goes with my online life too.
But only when I'm alone am I really me. Truely and completely me.
And not to sound conceited but that makes me kind of sad because honestly, I think the real me, the whole me, is pretty amazing. Nobody ever sees that person. Isn't that kind of a waste?
To be fair though, there is one person whom I think gets the most, if not all, of that me and that's Celine.
With everyone else I could tell you exactly which parts of myself I turn off when I'm around them. Everyone I know, we tend to stick to a handful of things and not much else. And that's cool I guess. I don't think it really hurts me or my mental state much.
Maybe it does, who knows...
Celine, I wish I could sit on my sofa with you and talk till dawn. I wish I could cook for you and go to the bars with you. I wish we could listen to music together. I wish my kid could meet you. I wish we could sit around and write together. Sometimes I wish I had met you years ago...but then I remember what I was like years ago and I think better of it. Its almost like I wasn't good enough for you then.
This post has digressed so much. Everytime a truely inspirational, mindblowing thought comes into my head that I really believe is worth typing twenty paragraphs about...this happens. Rereading this there are so many things I want to say that aren't here. Just about these topics too. But I don't know how or when to say them. Some of them are so abstract I don't even know what they are in any real way.
Sorry but this is what happens when I have a rockstar at midnight while watching almost famous and smoking a whole pack of cigarretes.
also livejournal hates me and posting this has become its own seperate pain in the ass.