The boys all loved you, you loved their money...
I was just looking back...
I had tried to forget about that time period. It was all a blur to me.
I thought I was beautiful then. I felt good I felt high. The lights swam around my half mast eyes and everyone stopped me to talk to me. The bass of the music pounding in my chest and I always had someone to smile with. I was coked up. Always drunk and coked up. I felt like I walked on air and my head like a balloon and my nose and throat numb all that night. They grabbed me by the arm and took me to the bathroom and shoveled it into my nose with their fingernails, keys, straws from their bra, dollars, whatever... I'd walk out with my head high and I'd walk across the dance floor hugging all of them along the way. I thought life was perfect. It was heaven for a while.
But then I found true life. True love. I don't do any of that anymore and for that I'm glad. Of course for the rest of my life I'll still crave it. I'll still want to feel it burning my brain and the bitter taste on my lips. I'll miss tilting my head back so they can wipe it off my nose. But I know what I miss isn't a good thing. I know I miss hallowness. The bliss of ignorance. A drug. Music reminds me of it. The music they played there. If I think hard and close my eyes I can still feel it.
It would all be a dream until I got home and realized how totally alone I was. I was nothing and those people who were there weren't with me any longer. Why would they, right? It got pretty bad. I started needing it. The people who gave it to me gave me lots of it and so I thought they loved me but that wasn't the case at all. They were lonely people too and they just needed me to do it with them so they'd feel like they had somebody. It was all worthless. It was fake. It wasn't what I thought it was.
I owe my life to the family and my loved ones. I love you Chad. Without him who knows where I'd be. In a gutter with a powdered nose hungry and insane. I haven't touched it in nearly 10 months and I couldn't be happier. Even though I don't have an "exciting" life anymore and I don't party anymore, I have security in love which outshines all of it. I have a clear head and I know who I am now. I'm Tiffany and people love me and I'm a good person. Never again in my life will I go back there. The place itself is a dark sad place full of smashed hope and lonely stupid faces. I have my love with me forever and we will be happy together for all time.
Guys... If any of you come near it, run away. It's bad shit. No one would be able to convince you of it when you're on it because coke is the fucking devil it lies to you. Changes you. I'm here for all of you and you know that. Fuck that shit. Fuck an empty bank account the next day if you know what I mean. You're better off without it. Shit, I know I am...
Thank you so much to the people who were always there for me. Thank you Bonnie for bandaging me up and fixing me when I came home bruised and broken and out of my mind. Thank you Chad for saving my life and showing me what I could really be. Thank you everyone for supporting me. I love you guys.
...and Chris Rockaway, stay away from it. We're all here for you.
I had tried to forget about that time period. It was all a blur to me.
I thought I was beautiful then. I felt good I felt high. The lights swam around my half mast eyes and everyone stopped me to talk to me. The bass of the music pounding in my chest and I always had someone to smile with. I was coked up. Always drunk and coked up. I felt like I walked on air and my head like a balloon and my nose and throat numb all that night. They grabbed me by the arm and took me to the bathroom and shoveled it into my nose with their fingernails, keys, straws from their bra, dollars, whatever... I'd walk out with my head high and I'd walk across the dance floor hugging all of them along the way. I thought life was perfect. It was heaven for a while.
But then I found true life. True love. I don't do any of that anymore and for that I'm glad. Of course for the rest of my life I'll still crave it. I'll still want to feel it burning my brain and the bitter taste on my lips. I'll miss tilting my head back so they can wipe it off my nose. But I know what I miss isn't a good thing. I know I miss hallowness. The bliss of ignorance. A drug. Music reminds me of it. The music they played there. If I think hard and close my eyes I can still feel it.
It would all be a dream until I got home and realized how totally alone I was. I was nothing and those people who were there weren't with me any longer. Why would they, right? It got pretty bad. I started needing it. The people who gave it to me gave me lots of it and so I thought they loved me but that wasn't the case at all. They were lonely people too and they just needed me to do it with them so they'd feel like they had somebody. It was all worthless. It was fake. It wasn't what I thought it was.
I owe my life to the family and my loved ones. I love you Chad. Without him who knows where I'd be. In a gutter with a powdered nose hungry and insane. I haven't touched it in nearly 10 months and I couldn't be happier. Even though I don't have an "exciting" life anymore and I don't party anymore, I have security in love which outshines all of it. I have a clear head and I know who I am now. I'm Tiffany and people love me and I'm a good person. Never again in my life will I go back there. The place itself is a dark sad place full of smashed hope and lonely stupid faces. I have my love with me forever and we will be happy together for all time.
Guys... If any of you come near it, run away. It's bad shit. No one would be able to convince you of it when you're on it because coke is the fucking devil it lies to you. Changes you. I'm here for all of you and you know that. Fuck that shit. Fuck an empty bank account the next day if you know what I mean. You're better off without it. Shit, I know I am...
Thank you so much to the people who were always there for me. Thank you Bonnie for bandaging me up and fixing me when I came home bruised and broken and out of my mind. Thank you Chad for saving my life and showing me what I could really be. Thank you everyone for supporting me. I love you guys.
...and Chris Rockaway, stay away from it. We're all here for you.