smelling good on a bad day
i'm pretty confused these days. lately i've been musing about the way i see myself versus the way other people see me, which is convenient as i've been watching an anime with similar subject matter. I think i just tried to ignore it for a long time. I have a weight problem which is spawning all sorts of mental issues.
I worry that my efforts to be a kind, caring, and optimistic person is actually ensuring that people take advantage of and walk all over me. Joe did, my mom tries to, my brothers do - it's like my present disposition merits their disrespect. Theres no respect when you treat someone like shit, when people dont listen to you, when you're just a joke to the, when they laugh at you to your face or inside their own heads or behind your back. The logical part of me wants respect more than anything - the part that wants to go to law school and be hugely successful in politics and other endeavors. This is an issue, because the other part of me responsible for my disposition would rather continue searching for respect through optimism and treating people with love, care, and respect. This part of me wants nothing more than to find someone to love me that i can share myself and my life with. someone to travel with, to kiss, to hold when i go to sleep at night.
Sometimes I think that I would get more respect from other people if I lost weight. It seemed like they did when i was thinner. I was getting attention. I lost my virginity and got a boyfriend. Now I'm overweight and havent had sex since December, and some fiasco...even if he told me i was the best he ever had, he didnt mean anything to me.
I've started wanting sex again. more than that, i dont want to sleep alone anymore. I dont want to be alone anymore. Dad is the only one that really wants to spend time with me, but between working and trying to appease my mom we havent really had the chance. Last week I offered to treat my mom to lunch, but she said she'd rather stay home.
I tried to have fun and relax last weekend. My little brother and I went to Mobile to stay at the frat house where my older brother lives. I drank a bit and mingled with people, but by 12:30 i was in my older brother's room cleaning his vomit off the floor because i had to sleep in his room that night. I couldnt even fucking sleep after that because some idiot walked in to get dry clothes, then came back a few times looking for the clothes he changed out of, which were decidedly not in the room. Fucking drunken idiot - I didnt get to sleep until 4:00 that morning. Even my attempt at relaxation was thwarted. I should have slept with Wes that night.
I'm pathetic. It's official.
I worry that my efforts to be a kind, caring, and optimistic person is actually ensuring that people take advantage of and walk all over me. Joe did, my mom tries to, my brothers do - it's like my present disposition merits their disrespect. Theres no respect when you treat someone like shit, when people dont listen to you, when you're just a joke to the, when they laugh at you to your face or inside their own heads or behind your back. The logical part of me wants respect more than anything - the part that wants to go to law school and be hugely successful in politics and other endeavors. This is an issue, because the other part of me responsible for my disposition would rather continue searching for respect through optimism and treating people with love, care, and respect. This part of me wants nothing more than to find someone to love me that i can share myself and my life with. someone to travel with, to kiss, to hold when i go to sleep at night.
Sometimes I think that I would get more respect from other people if I lost weight. It seemed like they did when i was thinner. I was getting attention. I lost my virginity and got a boyfriend. Now I'm overweight and havent had sex since December, and some fiasco...even if he told me i was the best he ever had, he didnt mean anything to me.
I've started wanting sex again. more than that, i dont want to sleep alone anymore. I dont want to be alone anymore. Dad is the only one that really wants to spend time with me, but between working and trying to appease my mom we havent really had the chance. Last week I offered to treat my mom to lunch, but she said she'd rather stay home.
I tried to have fun and relax last weekend. My little brother and I went to Mobile to stay at the frat house where my older brother lives. I drank a bit and mingled with people, but by 12:30 i was in my older brother's room cleaning his vomit off the floor because i had to sleep in his room that night. I couldnt even fucking sleep after that because some idiot walked in to get dry clothes, then came back a few times looking for the clothes he changed out of, which were decidedly not in the room. Fucking drunken idiot - I didnt get to sleep until 4:00 that morning. Even my attempt at relaxation was thwarted. I should have slept with Wes that night.
I'm pathetic. It's official.