2 weeks and counting, 1 year and cursing
since i got home from school and my mini-road trip, i've spent the majority of my time immersed in worlds of fiction. Between 3 seasons of Nip/Tuck, every Harry Potter movie and book yet released, this has been a large portion of the time i've spent at home. I know, though, that under this surface of other worlds outside of the real one, the truth still bubbles and spews itself into my conciousness, especially recently. The truth that in two weeks i will be living in wilmington within miles of someone that i truly hate.
I haven't forgotten what he did to me in December because i got no apology, the only reason for me to push it from my mind. I've given him opportunities. I dont know why I bother, since he's obviously not the person 'm convinced he used to be. He may be the only person in this world that ever pushed me so far as to actually hate someone - interesting but also predictable in that he's also the only person that i loved so deeply.
I've tried to mention it as infrequently as my self-restraint allows, but in all honesty, i'm terrified. I worry that despite my feelings of hatred i'm still vulnerable by way of caring at all. I dont want to feel a stab of jealousy, a wave of nostalgia, a wistful disgress into the past. I dont want to see him or hear his voice - i want to be rid of him forever. I wouldnt mind if he died or moved to another country, but he just has to be in the same goddamn town at the same fucking college I'll be. I'm sure he thinks I want it that way.
I really wouldnt mind if he died. I wish he knew that.
I haven't forgotten what he did to me in December because i got no apology, the only reason for me to push it from my mind. I've given him opportunities. I dont know why I bother, since he's obviously not the person 'm convinced he used to be. He may be the only person in this world that ever pushed me so far as to actually hate someone - interesting but also predictable in that he's also the only person that i loved so deeply.
I've tried to mention it as infrequently as my self-restraint allows, but in all honesty, i'm terrified. I worry that despite my feelings of hatred i'm still vulnerable by way of caring at all. I dont want to feel a stab of jealousy, a wave of nostalgia, a wistful disgress into the past. I dont want to see him or hear his voice - i want to be rid of him forever. I wouldnt mind if he died or moved to another country, but he just has to be in the same goddamn town at the same fucking college I'll be. I'm sure he thinks I want it that way.
I really wouldnt mind if he died. I wish he knew that.