suicide and other things
K so today was a good day. I hung out for the most part alone and I was fine with that. I took my dogs out to the fields and got in the water. Then I showered. At like 9pm Cary came over and we went walking. Then we went into my grandma's house and attempted to watch Vanilla Sky but he had to leave. I noticed that when I care about someone a lot you can tell by the way I move my hands. Like I tend to play with Cary's a lot and that's a good sign when it comes from me. lol. I fucking love him so much and losing him would pretty much send me into a depression like no other. I seriously could be with him forever and not even notice how long it's been. He's just that amazing. I know you're thinking she's fourteen what the hell is she talking about but I know what love is and I know for sure that I am completely and fully in love with Cary. And it's great. Wouldn't change it ever. But anyways aside from my ramblings I helped my dad make food tonight which was a first for me. I dunno I'm tired of fighting with them and everything's fine until my mom's around. So yeah pretty gay. But anyways tonight for whatever reason I was reading in a journal thing about a suicide pact then I clicked a link and kept reading about different types of suicide then saw famous suicide notes and came upon a girl named Virginia Woolf who wrote novels. For whatever reason I kinda researched her a bit and read her suicide note that she wrote to her husband. I know for a fact that I want to do something with psychology because I'm so interested in why people do things and I focus on how people act more than they think I do. I watch people closely and observe how they talk, walk, eat, and whatever else. It's really weird. Because sometimes I won't notice myself doing it until I think about that person and then I realize that I studied them without knowing it. While I'm on the subject of suicide, I realized I think about it all the time. I consider doing it and such. Not because I'm extremely depressed, but because I hate how the world is. Hate it and don't want to be in it. I mean why be in a world filled with such hate when you yourself can't change it? The wars currently taking place are just ridiculous and everything keeps getting worse. Everyone keeps telling me to believe in God but how do I know that he's not just false hope? You never know anything. So I don't waste my time believing. Living in this world just depresses me. The animal cruelty, people taking everything for granted etc. I mean we're fucking disgusting. It's bad when we can ruin the world and not think a thing about it. We're very ignorant and we just keep getting worse. The only reason I'm still around is because of my boyfriend and my friends that care. If I lost any of them I would not be here right now and I know that for a fact. I love those people with everything and never ever want to lose them. Or hurt them.