अनानास का किसान
Title: अनानास का किसान [translate][Pineapple Farmer]
Genre: crack!au, romance, drabble
Length: Oneshot, 4.2k
Pairings: Sehun/Luhan, side!Kris/Chanyeol, past!Luhan/Chanyeol, bff!Jackson/Baekhyun
Warnings: Lots and lots of pineapple, stupid sehun, rude luhan, rude zitao[tho he's my bias], dumbass kris and dumbass yeol, fic is disjointed af, read this at the risk of your IQ
Author's note: to recipient, who might or might not read this work, i love you for giving me this idea. i truly love you. this is my first completed work of fanfiction and i can't say much more than a big I LOVE YOU!!!! to selubration mods, thank you sosososososo much for giving me an oppurtunity to adopt one of your OLDDD prompts, and to work on it. I love you. This might not be as "cracky" as you want it to be, but i'm thankful for your extremely open-ended prompt, which helped me immensely. to readers, I really love you guys for coming over to see what this is all about<3
This was for an old prompt from selubration round 2 (#30)
Important note: This work has been crossposted on AO3 and AFF.
*
It was just another day at Ananas farm. Rustling sounds are heard in the bushes.
Is that a broccoli popping out of a pineapple bush? A green-headed noodlebod? No, It is Dr. Ananas ananas connoisseur, as Sehun liked to call himself. No, noone asked for an extended introduction, Sehun.
Though one would be more inclined to call the real owner of the farm using Sehun's self-awarded title, the owner prefers to stay away from self-aggrandizing, given his self-affacing character.
"That's an awful lot of 'self's!"
Shut up, Sehun, noone asked for your opinion. Go back to being the dumb blonde of EXO or something.
Sehun picked up a pineapple. "EXO?"
Huh? You don't kn- Ah, right. Sorry, wrong AU!
“AU?”
What? You gotta be kidding me. You don’t know AU? Wait-Oh God! What if the real world is just another AU and in real life EXO was a fruit basket?
Sehun gingerly held his pineapple in one hand, and scratched his head with the other. “I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Phss, phss. He heard some rustling behind him.
*
“How I wish this was Hawaiiiiiiiiiii!” Luhan said as he woke up, “The climate there is infinitely better than this place. And my pineapples might grow better too!” Where did he actually live, by the way?
He got ready in less than 10 seconds like a true farmer and bounded across the green hills and fields of other farmers to finally reach his pineapple farm, which was strategically placed on the south-facing portion of the low hill, to get more sunlight. Like every intelligent farmer in the Northern Hemisphere ought to do, but did not. Apparently, 9th grade Geography was not high on everyone’s priority list.
He suddenly spots a green-haired noodlebod between his pineapple bushes. Has he finally discovered the reason behind the unexplainably mysterious disappearances of the very best pineapples from his farm?
He thinks so. Incidentally, the green-haired noodlebod was also holding a pineapple. One of his very best. Wait- was that man talking to himself?
He stalked over to explain how aggrieved he is at finding out that a lunatic with green hair is stealing his pineapples. His very best. And that is exactly when the noodlebod gained some sense, and whipped around to see him.
*
Like I said, Sehun heard some rustling. Sehun did expect to be caught one day or the other. It was just inevitable. What he did not expect was this small man who looked like a cute doll. Except this cute doll was scarier than the creepy doll in Annabelle. He was also cute, but that was secondary. Sehun decided to run for his dear life.
He gave chase to the angry farmer waving his straw hat in an intimidating manner. Is that a kind of dating? Sehun, did I just catch you saying that you wanted to date him?
“No, I didn’t! Lord, you’re more embarrassing than my Hello Kitty boxers!”
Sehun just realized the gravity of the statement he had just released. He dropped the pineapple, and tried to run again after a second, but he tripped. Over the pineapple. Oh, God.
*
Luhan expected the noodlebod to be a little faster. I mean, look at those long arms, long legs and athletic body. He didn't expect to get to him so fast. The noodlebod hadn't run four steps and he was already lying on the ground panting heavily, after having screamed something like my Hello Kitty Boxers.
"Why are you taking my pineapples?"
*
Sehun tried to play dead, he really did. But panting like a horse did not help his case.
Horses? Horses run races. Did you know ostriches run races too? And if they lose, they get really damn depressed and they stick their head in the mud. And they choke. And die.
“How did you know I wanted to die?”
It’s just another one of my mundane specialities.
Well, if panting like a horse gave away his non-dead state of affairs, shouting out that he did, indeed, want to die, made him seem more alive, if not anything more or less than that.
"I’ll repeat myself once again, or I’m reporting this to the village head. Why did you steal my pineapples?” Luhan reiterated, saying each word clearly while simultaneously recording it on his ancient-looking tape recorder. Where did you get that antique piece, bro? I’ve been searching for it since more than seven years to add it to my collection.
“Who are you?” Clearly shocked out of his wits, since he was hearing the bodyless voice for the first time.
I don’t know it myself. “Who am I?” An enigmatic question which has mocked millions of His offspring. I’m trying to find out too, baby, I’ve been trying, just like many others.
Luhan was pleased by the endearment. The Voice had more politeness than a certain pineapple-thief. “But who are you? I’m Lu-
“You can hear him too? Oh my goodness, I thought I was the only one. I’m Sehun, pleased to meet you.” Sehun held out his hand, with bright shining eyes, albeit still lying flat on the ground.
Luhan took his hand into an overly firm handshake. “And I’m Luhan, pleased to inform you that I’ll be taking you to the village head, on account of trespassing and forceful entry, unlawful misappropriation of property, and spreading brain disease.”
Sehun looked down to see that the overly firm handshake was actually a pair of flimsy steel handcuffs with shiny pink fluff covering them. Is this guy the fashion police or something? But are straw hats even in fash-
“Nah. Just an old gift from my boyfriend who has this weird kink. I don’t even know why they so conveniently appeared in my pocket just now."
OH MY GOD SEHUN THIS IS YOUR CHANCE. You got a cute gay guy who hates the bdsm thing! Charm him alreadyyyyyyy-
Sehun was blushing. Luhan was going bananas. Being the resourceful person he is, Luhan would have tried to harvest those bananas too. But he didn't. Because he was really going bananas, or, to put it across more delicately, out of character. Due to an unexplainable mysterious bodyless voice who was nothing but a catastrophic embarrassment to everyone present in the universe.
*
Luhan was severely embarrassed. He tugged on Sehun's hand and bounded over to the north-facing portion of the hill. Where the unsuccessful opium farm of the village head was situated. The only reason why he was village head was that he owned the only gun in the entire village. The gun, which hung proudly in the living room next to the doorway, had no bullets in it, but the head wasn't telling anyone that delicious piece of goss anytime now.
Luhan reached entered the gates which had stone gargoyles facing each other. He always thought them extremely creepy, like they were always talking to each other behind everyone's backs.
He finally reached the tall and wide door with an elaborate mural of a fire-breathing dragon. He knocked. Sehun stood behind, meekly. Being handcuffed with Annabelle was not a nice experience.
There was some shuffling heard behind the door. Luhan was greeted by the face of a wide-eyed gentleman with suspiciously swollen lips. Wearing slacks and a white dress shirt. Which were hastily buttoned the wrong way.
"Chanyeol! What are you doing here?" Luhan was definitely not pleased by the sight of his boyfriend in the village head's house, obviously screwing, or trying to screw the latter.
"I have a complaint to lodge with the village head concerning the theft of my unharvested produce." Luhan spoke coldly, and bitingly.
"Who's at the door?" Kris steps into the living room, and Luhan can see him behind Chanyeol, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist and- Wait, are those a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs?
Oh, God. Luhan did not want to see Chanyeol just then. Alive.
He entered and lifted his hand, pulling up Sehun's unwilling hands along, which were painfully dangling in those pink handcuffs.
"What do you want?" Kris sounded very dominating, though clad in nothing more than a towel and an embarrassing sex prop.
*
"What do you think of that weird green noob? Isn't it weird? Being so tall and athletic, and being handcuffed by that pineapple-farming Barbie." Baekhyun said to Kyungsoo. His neck was aching. Being eternally attached to an elaborate entryway by the neck was painful, and being made of fucking granite was not easy either. He massaged his nape with hypothetical hands and looked at Kyungsoo, who was thoughtfully staring at the scene unfolding at the doorway.
"Hm." He said, after giving a full two minutes of thought before releasing this carefully worded statement.
Baekhyun wished he had more intelligent company. It was definitely more fun in his warehouse days, when he could spend his days chatting away with Jackson, the steel leopard. Unfortunately, Jackson was bought away by a rich Chinese heir, Zitao. Baekhyun coped with the sadness by making friends with Amber and Hyolyn, the stone ponies. But sadness struck again when he was shipped away to some obscure village with an extremely silent and creepy carbon-copy gargoyle, whose name (as he learnt after three weeks of intensive interrogation) was Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo was good company, who listened to Baekhyun's annoying ramblings sometimes, but mostly he just stared into the distance, hoping that the cute brown llama he saw grazing the fields two years ago would return. 'Kai', was its name. He learnt the name when he heard the herder's uncle's best friend's brother-in-law's daughter saying it. Kyungsoo was totally not creepy.
Baekhyun saw Kyungsoo's eyes widen as he stared at the doorway. Baekhyun turned to see what was worse than the battle of Waterloo.
Barbie was pointing a gun at at a naked man in pink handcuffs, and Green Noob was trying hard to restrain him. Naked Man was also screaming at Barbie. I dare you to shoot me! Shoot meeeeee~ Good-looking Tall Guy was also restraining Naked Man with all his energy, shouting, Luhan, no! Don't kill him! It isn't what you think! It isn't a permanent thing! We were both just drunk and it got out of contr-
Naked Man looked nonplussed. He slumped down, like someone sucked the life out of him. Barbie stalks out, with Green Noob in tow. Good-looking Tall Guy crouched down in front of Naked Man, who was now crying.
*
Sehun was having the weirdest day of his life so far. Coming from a person who owns a pineapple research lab and a llama training institute, that was a lot. He tried to borrow a pineapple, ended up being caught and dragged to the village head's house, witnessed an almost-massacre, and was now sitting in front of his pineapple freeze-storage facility, comforting a stranger whom he now knows as Luhan, with awkward pats on the back, and a bowl of his All-new pineapple pop-nuts, a health-snack developed by his R&D team, which was set to hit stores this May 2nd, on his funding partner's birthday. There was going to be a launch party too. Zitao's extravagance really knew no bounds.
"So, um- How do you feel now?" Sehun started, awkwardly. Years of staying closed-off , or within the bounds of his scientific fraternity led him to be as inexperienced as a coffinnail in dating.
"I'm fi-" Luhan faltered. "I'm not so fine, really. But thanks for the...uh...pineapple chips?"
Sehun chuckled a bit, "You mean my All-new pineapple pop-nuts, you won't get them in anywhere else. For now."
"For now?" Luhan raised an eyebrow.
"I mean, this product has not yet been released to the public. Yet. We have all the licences. It's just the matter of a few more formalities."
"Oh. Nothing beats my farm's fresh pineapples though." Luhan mused.
"Yes, that is true. But not everyone is lucky enough to own a farm, and this is the closest they can-
"So you have tasted my pineapples. Which means you have stolen them."
"What? No-" Sehun rebutted, futilely.
"Just 'fess up already. I forgive you." Luhan laughed. Sehun felt like the day when his dad agreed to let him be a pineapple scientist, or like that time when a baby llama was born to one of his trainee llamas. He saw stars.
*
Luhan looked fondl-, erm, sorry, with interest, at the cut-, erm, sorry again, intriguing boy in front of him. The kid was now just staring back at Luhan like he was a fresh pineapple, mouth watering just slightly.
"Hey", Luhan waved his hand in front of the other's eyes. "You okay?"
"Never been better."
"Um, okay..." Luhan stood up to leave. He felt good, but still, a bit awkward at being stared at so gormlessly, "I think I need to get going. Bye."
"Okay."
*
As he left the high-tech pineapple freeze-storage facility, Luhan felt weird. Light. Like today was actually not a bad day. Even though today was the day he confronted a thief, got cheated on, and shot a man. Well, the last one made him laugh. He did try to shoot the brainless village head, but the gun had no rounds in it. Hah. To think that the whole village had been afraid of a stupid man because of a blank gun. Luhan felt stupid. But mostly, he just felt light, and cozy. And it wouldn't be wrong to say that it's because of a green-headed noodlebod.
"Nobody asked you!" Luhan snapped. At the air in general. Because he doesn't know who it is.
Ah, young love.
*
"So...the launch party is going to be held at your place?" Sehun spoke into his phone.
"Yeah. On May the 2nd. You know it all. Bring a date, or a pet." Said a feline voice.
"What?" Sehun was a bit taken aback. Was Zitao mocking him?
"Yes, I'm serious. I know y'all in the scientific fraternity don't really have the time", Zitao continued, "or the talent, to get yourself a date."
What the actual flowering fuck? If Zitao wasn't his funding partner, Sehun would have locked him up in the pineapple freeze-storage, and would have cut him up and added him to a Microwaveable Ready-to-eat Hawaiian BBQ Chicken Pizza, and would have sold him to Chanyeol. And he would let Chanyeol choke on it. Two birds with one stone. Luhan would be appreciative of it, he was sure. But would he be appreciative if you asked him out to the party?
"Oh, shut up! Noone asked you."
But Zitao was right. Being all wrapped up in his research, Sehun neither had the time, nor did he have the talent to get himself a date. He sometimes liked to think that he had the looks to get a date, but that was sometimes questionable too, especially when he went into the village streets looking like Albert Einstein's not-so-popular cousin.
Sehun used bet his life saying that there was nothing in the world as interesting as pineapples and llamas, but he wasn't so sure anymore. And he definitely did not want the entire world to know that his date was his cute pet snake Abracadacobra.
*
Yet again, it was just another early day at Ananas farm, and Luhan, having gotten ready like a true farmer, bounded towards the south-facing side of the low hill, towards his farm. What was that suspiciously green round thing bobbing around in his bushes?
The suspicious green bob turned around. Thank God, it was just the cute kid, Sehunnie
Luhan, did you just say 'cute kid'? And 'Sehunnie'? Huh? Huh? HUH? OKAY IMMA TELL HIM RIGHT AWAY K BYEEE-
"Would you just stay where you are for a moment and let our story go on as planned, without you trying to speed things up? Look, maybe this is all very entertaining to Your Highness, but it is not to me. You make me feel like a pawn in your games and you better just shut up."
Bu- But I'm the narrator, you see. I'm allowed to be a douche. And how did you know that I'm a king?
"A king? Well, unfortunately, I'm not from your kingdom, and maybe it's just my wonderful luck that I happen to be governed by my cheating ex's new boyfriend."
Luhan walked over to his Sehunnie.
*
Sehun had been waiting for almost an hour, and he was about to give up.
But, hey. You went in at like 5:30 AM. Who in their right mind would be awake at such an ungodly hour? Who?
"Oh. Is it?"
Sehun heard someone creeping towards him. He was a bit scared. The sun hadn't really come out completely. It was the witching hour of dawn, when everything in nature seemed more dramatic than it usually is. For example, even Sehun's non-existent love-life seemed more of a distant possibility than a written off idea.
He turned around. He saw Luhan give off a small smile, only to immediately shoot off into an angry incoherent soliloquy. Sehun felt a bit like a creep for having creeped around in someone else's farm at this time. Though he does not personally like to address Luhan as just another "someone else".
"Hey", he started, somewhat breaking Luhan's speech.
"Hey", he responded, with the small smile Sehun was growing to love, and he rathered liked to think that the reason for that smile was him.
The reason for his smile is you, you idiot. Don't be so doubtful about it.
Sehun was nonplussed, and Luhan's cheeks started looking like naughty flamingoes.
"Just, uh, don't mind him. Heheh." Luhan said, quite abashed.
Don't mind me? DON'T MIND ME? Do you have any idea what an atrocious sentence you have uttered? DO YOU?
"Huh? Okay", Sehun said, quite not getting the situation, as he was a little slow on the uptake sometimes. "Anyways, I was wondering if you'd like to attend the launch party of my All-new pineapple pop-nuts?"
"Pardon?"
"You see, my company is launching a new health snack, and we're having a party and-
"You. Are having a launch party. For a pack of pineapple chips. Wow. I can't imagine the scale of your wedding, then, if you hold parties to share chips." Luhan deadpanned.
Oh. My. God. Luhan was talking about his wedding. Did he have any idea that Sehun sometimes fancied Luhan next to him on that fateful day? Did he? It's okay, Sehun. Don't let your heart go into overdrive AND JUST ASK HIM OUT ALREADY, Sehun said to himself.
"Look", Sehun started again, a bit breathless this time around. "It's also my friend's[Funding partner, Sehun, funding partner. That bastard lost his status as a friend when he mocked you like that] birthday, and I'd like you to attend."
"Why should I attend your friend's birthday party? Where you just so happen to be sharing, oh, I'm sorry, releasing, your chips?"
"LOOK. I'M TRYING TO ASK YOU OUT!"
"Oh. Oh."
*
It was around 9 PM on May the 2nd. Everyone was fashionably arriving late, and Jackson sat at the entryway of the grand white mansion, smiling at everyone. Wow. So many new people. Will Baekhyun come too?
There was a huge wide red carpet spread out all the way from the entrance of the white mansion, from the entryway where Jackson sat, through the stone walkway through the verdant lawns, up the marble steps, into the large hall, through its centre, all the way up to the stage, where there was a long table with mics on it. And there were many chairs in the front, beside the carpet, upon which were seated noisy and nosy people with clipboards and long cameras, shooting questions and taking notes. The important-looking people seated at the table on the stage were answering the repetitive questions as calmly as they could. A press conference?
Jackson kept smiling at the people. He suddenly saw a man in a waiter's uniform trudge towards him. You wanna chat?
The waiter showed no change of expression at his friendly invitation for a conversation and unceremoniously picked him up. Oh no. Put me down, you nasty man. Do you know you're showing my muddy ass to all the guests who are entering? PUT ME DOWN! This is so disgraceful, ugh.
The waiter again showed no visible response to his pleadings and he just heaved again, because, Jackson the steel leopard was hella heavy.
Suffer, you deplorable human. May carrying my weight be your punishment.
Jackson was so entrenched in his sufferings and his disgraceful exit from his comfortable entryway position, that he did not realize he was now next to his master, Zitao, in the front of the stage. Oh, now the bastard who separated me from Baekhyun is petting me. Pretentious asshole.
But now, at least he had a view of the entire scene at the party. There was an important looking tall man with an equally tall but more smiley, friendly, and clumsy man in tow. It looked like the man just heard something extremely disgraceful from a short man in a white suit. He cocked his ears. Jackson was a sucker for gossip.
"What? No- How did you get to know?" the tall man squawked out.
"Well, don't feel offended or anything, but I did pull the trigger on you, and I was quite disappointed when there were no rounds inside the gun. Ha! But, I think, looking back upon it, it is eternal ammo against you. Sad for you, Chrissy. Just make sure you don't displease me, otherwise your post as "village head" will be down the drain in no time."
A green-headed tall noodle-like man walked over to the trio. "Lu. Come on. This is a party. Stop threatening everyone you meet!"
"Only if you ask me out to dance." Ooh, do I smell a coquette?
"Uh...I don't think I want to dance in front of everyone...."
"You just turned me down. If you weren't so good-looking, I'd stomp out NOW, Oh Sehun. I'll lead you. Come on." They trudged over to the dancefloor, immediately grooving suggestively to the beat, leaving a despondent-looking tall man, and the clumsy man was giving awkward pats on his shoulder. "It's okay, babe. Luhan won't really do anything. Trust me. Or he might. I don't really know. It's okay."
"This is ALL your fault, Chanyeol!"
Clumsy just looked down sheepishly, but he looked up again. "Babe, come on. This is a party! And I think the little birthday gift you gave should please Zitao. Which should please his best friend Sehun too. And Sehun can calm Luhan down! Be optimistic!"
"Okay", Tall man said, still unconvinced. They walked off.
Zitao was walking towards Jackson with a waiter. The waiter was holding a large box. With something heavy, Jackson thought. Look at the peasant heave.
They placed the box down next to Jackson. He felt familiar to the box as soon as it settled down, like he knew the box. But he couldn't put his finger on it.
"I'll have you place my leopard at the fountain in front of the mansion. And you should install the stone thing at the head of the fountain."
"Shall I bring the masons tomorrow, sir?"
"Have I ever given you any time frame for my orders to be completed?"
"No, sir."
"Which means...?" Zitao asked, quite threateningly. The waiter looked like he peed his pants.
".....which means you want them complet-
"Now! DO IT NOW! Bring your masons or farmers or accountants or whatever, I want it completed Now."
The poor waiter scampered off. Jackson still wondered what might be in the box, but he kept quiet.
A couple of uniformed men came around three minutes later and lifted Jackson and the box off the floor. Jackson was curious.
They put him down near the fountain and opened the box. Something grey, I see. Is that granite?
The workers slowly turned it and placed it on the ground. A sleepy granite gargoyle was next to him. Hmmpf?
Jackson could not believe his glass eyes. BAEKHYUN!!!!!!
The gargoyle immediately rose from his hypothetical stupor. Hm?
BAEKHYUNNIEEEEE!!!!!! Jackson was jumping with excitement, if steel leopards could do that.
MY BOY JACKSON-AHHHHHHH!!!!!! Baekhyun literally screamed, like a gargoyle screams.
How've you been the past three years, my boiiii~~~
Never felt better than today in all my life, Jackson-ah!!! By the way, Baekhyun's stone eyes gleamed conspiratorially, How are the stewardesses around here?
Good enough, I guess. Sunny has really nice legs, you know.
Ah, you lucky soul, placed on the ground, you can look straight into their skirts if you wanted to. YOU LUCKY ASS!!!! Baekhyun gave him a hypothetical fist bump.
And they chattered happily into the night, beyond midnight, when, if one would look closely into the corner of the dancefloor where the light of the discoball doesn't reach, one can see a short barbie-man pinning a green-headed hottie onto the wall and eliciting unheard sounds into the neon-filled night.
Fin.
read part two.
Genre: crack!au, romance, drabble
Length: Oneshot, 4.2k
Pairings: Sehun/Luhan, side!Kris/Chanyeol, past!Luhan/Chanyeol, bff!Jackson/Baekhyun
Warnings: Lots and lots of pineapple, stupid sehun, rude luhan, rude zitao[tho he's my bias], dumbass kris and dumbass yeol, fic is disjointed af, read this at the risk of your IQ
Author's note: to recipient, who might or might not read this work, i love you for giving me this idea. i truly love you. this is my first completed work of fanfiction and i can't say much more than a big I LOVE YOU!!!! to selubration mods, thank you sosososososo much for giving me an oppurtunity to adopt one of your OLDDD prompts, and to work on it. I love you. This might not be as "cracky" as you want it to be, but i'm thankful for your extremely open-ended prompt, which helped me immensely. to readers, I really love you guys for coming over to see what this is all about<3
This was for an old prompt from selubration round 2 (#30)
Important note: This work has been crossposted on AO3 and AFF.
*
It was just another day at Ananas farm. Rustling sounds are heard in the bushes.
Is that a broccoli popping out of a pineapple bush? A green-headed noodlebod? No, It is Dr. Ananas ananas connoisseur, as Sehun liked to call himself. No, noone asked for an extended introduction, Sehun.
Though one would be more inclined to call the real owner of the farm using Sehun's self-awarded title, the owner prefers to stay away from self-aggrandizing, given his self-affacing character.
"That's an awful lot of 'self's!"
Shut up, Sehun, noone asked for your opinion. Go back to being the dumb blonde of EXO or something.
Sehun picked up a pineapple. "EXO?"
Huh? You don't kn- Ah, right. Sorry, wrong AU!
“AU?”
What? You gotta be kidding me. You don’t know AU? Wait-Oh God! What if the real world is just another AU and in real life EXO was a fruit basket?
Sehun gingerly held his pineapple in one hand, and scratched his head with the other. “I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Phss, phss. He heard some rustling behind him.
*
“How I wish this was Hawaiiiiiiiiiii!” Luhan said as he woke up, “The climate there is infinitely better than this place. And my pineapples might grow better too!” Where did he actually live, by the way?
He got ready in less than 10 seconds like a true farmer and bounded across the green hills and fields of other farmers to finally reach his pineapple farm, which was strategically placed on the south-facing portion of the low hill, to get more sunlight. Like every intelligent farmer in the Northern Hemisphere ought to do, but did not. Apparently, 9th grade Geography was not high on everyone’s priority list.
He suddenly spots a green-haired noodlebod between his pineapple bushes. Has he finally discovered the reason behind the unexplainably mysterious disappearances of the very best pineapples from his farm?
He thinks so. Incidentally, the green-haired noodlebod was also holding a pineapple. One of his very best. Wait- was that man talking to himself?
He stalked over to explain how aggrieved he is at finding out that a lunatic with green hair is stealing his pineapples. His very best. And that is exactly when the noodlebod gained some sense, and whipped around to see him.
*
Like I said, Sehun heard some rustling. Sehun did expect to be caught one day or the other. It was just inevitable. What he did not expect was this small man who looked like a cute doll. Except this cute doll was scarier than the creepy doll in Annabelle. He was also cute, but that was secondary. Sehun decided to run for his dear life.
He gave chase to the angry farmer waving his straw hat in an intimidating manner. Is that a kind of dating? Sehun, did I just catch you saying that you wanted to date him?
“No, I didn’t! Lord, you’re more embarrassing than my Hello Kitty boxers!”
Sehun just realized the gravity of the statement he had just released. He dropped the pineapple, and tried to run again after a second, but he tripped. Over the pineapple. Oh, God.
*
Luhan expected the noodlebod to be a little faster. I mean, look at those long arms, long legs and athletic body. He didn't expect to get to him so fast. The noodlebod hadn't run four steps and he was already lying on the ground panting heavily, after having screamed something like my Hello Kitty Boxers.
"Why are you taking my pineapples?"
*
Sehun tried to play dead, he really did. But panting like a horse did not help his case.
Horses? Horses run races. Did you know ostriches run races too? And if they lose, they get really damn depressed and they stick their head in the mud. And they choke. And die.
“How did you know I wanted to die?”
It’s just another one of my mundane specialities.
Well, if panting like a horse gave away his non-dead state of affairs, shouting out that he did, indeed, want to die, made him seem more alive, if not anything more or less than that.
"I’ll repeat myself once again, or I’m reporting this to the village head. Why did you steal my pineapples?” Luhan reiterated, saying each word clearly while simultaneously recording it on his ancient-looking tape recorder. Where did you get that antique piece, bro? I’ve been searching for it since more than seven years to add it to my collection.
“Who are you?” Clearly shocked out of his wits, since he was hearing the bodyless voice for the first time.
I don’t know it myself. “Who am I?” An enigmatic question which has mocked millions of His offspring. I’m trying to find out too, baby, I’ve been trying, just like many others.
Luhan was pleased by the endearment. The Voice had more politeness than a certain pineapple-thief. “But who are you? I’m Lu-
“You can hear him too? Oh my goodness, I thought I was the only one. I’m Sehun, pleased to meet you.” Sehun held out his hand, with bright shining eyes, albeit still lying flat on the ground.
Luhan took his hand into an overly firm handshake. “And I’m Luhan, pleased to inform you that I’ll be taking you to the village head, on account of trespassing and forceful entry, unlawful misappropriation of property, and spreading brain disease.”
Sehun looked down to see that the overly firm handshake was actually a pair of flimsy steel handcuffs with shiny pink fluff covering them. Is this guy the fashion police or something? But are straw hats even in fash-
“Nah. Just an old gift from my boyfriend who has this weird kink. I don’t even know why they so conveniently appeared in my pocket just now."
OH MY GOD SEHUN THIS IS YOUR CHANCE. You got a cute gay guy who hates the bdsm thing! Charm him alreadyyyyyyy-
Sehun was blushing. Luhan was going bananas. Being the resourceful person he is, Luhan would have tried to harvest those bananas too. But he didn't. Because he was really going bananas, or, to put it across more delicately, out of character. Due to an unexplainable mysterious bodyless voice who was nothing but a catastrophic embarrassment to everyone present in the universe.
*
Luhan was severely embarrassed. He tugged on Sehun's hand and bounded over to the north-facing portion of the hill. Where the unsuccessful opium farm of the village head was situated. The only reason why he was village head was that he owned the only gun in the entire village. The gun, which hung proudly in the living room next to the doorway, had no bullets in it, but the head wasn't telling anyone that delicious piece of goss anytime now.
Luhan reached entered the gates which had stone gargoyles facing each other. He always thought them extremely creepy, like they were always talking to each other behind everyone's backs.
He finally reached the tall and wide door with an elaborate mural of a fire-breathing dragon. He knocked. Sehun stood behind, meekly. Being handcuffed with Annabelle was not a nice experience.
There was some shuffling heard behind the door. Luhan was greeted by the face of a wide-eyed gentleman with suspiciously swollen lips. Wearing slacks and a white dress shirt. Which were hastily buttoned the wrong way.
"Chanyeol! What are you doing here?" Luhan was definitely not pleased by the sight of his boyfriend in the village head's house, obviously screwing, or trying to screw the latter.
"I have a complaint to lodge with the village head concerning the theft of my unharvested produce." Luhan spoke coldly, and bitingly.
"Who's at the door?" Kris steps into the living room, and Luhan can see him behind Chanyeol, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist and- Wait, are those a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs?
Oh, God. Luhan did not want to see Chanyeol just then. Alive.
He entered and lifted his hand, pulling up Sehun's unwilling hands along, which were painfully dangling in those pink handcuffs.
"What do you want?" Kris sounded very dominating, though clad in nothing more than a towel and an embarrassing sex prop.
*
"What do you think of that weird green noob? Isn't it weird? Being so tall and athletic, and being handcuffed by that pineapple-farming Barbie." Baekhyun said to Kyungsoo. His neck was aching. Being eternally attached to an elaborate entryway by the neck was painful, and being made of fucking granite was not easy either. He massaged his nape with hypothetical hands and looked at Kyungsoo, who was thoughtfully staring at the scene unfolding at the doorway.
"Hm." He said, after giving a full two minutes of thought before releasing this carefully worded statement.
Baekhyun wished he had more intelligent company. It was definitely more fun in his warehouse days, when he could spend his days chatting away with Jackson, the steel leopard. Unfortunately, Jackson was bought away by a rich Chinese heir, Zitao. Baekhyun coped with the sadness by making friends with Amber and Hyolyn, the stone ponies. But sadness struck again when he was shipped away to some obscure village with an extremely silent and creepy carbon-copy gargoyle, whose name (as he learnt after three weeks of intensive interrogation) was Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo was good company, who listened to Baekhyun's annoying ramblings sometimes, but mostly he just stared into the distance, hoping that the cute brown llama he saw grazing the fields two years ago would return. 'Kai', was its name. He learnt the name when he heard the herder's uncle's best friend's brother-in-law's daughter saying it. Kyungsoo was totally not creepy.
Baekhyun saw Kyungsoo's eyes widen as he stared at the doorway. Baekhyun turned to see what was worse than the battle of Waterloo.
Barbie was pointing a gun at at a naked man in pink handcuffs, and Green Noob was trying hard to restrain him. Naked Man was also screaming at Barbie. I dare you to shoot me! Shoot meeeeee~ Good-looking Tall Guy was also restraining Naked Man with all his energy, shouting, Luhan, no! Don't kill him! It isn't what you think! It isn't a permanent thing! We were both just drunk and it got out of contr-
Naked Man looked nonplussed. He slumped down, like someone sucked the life out of him. Barbie stalks out, with Green Noob in tow. Good-looking Tall Guy crouched down in front of Naked Man, who was now crying.
*
Sehun was having the weirdest day of his life so far. Coming from a person who owns a pineapple research lab and a llama training institute, that was a lot. He tried to borrow a pineapple, ended up being caught and dragged to the village head's house, witnessed an almost-massacre, and was now sitting in front of his pineapple freeze-storage facility, comforting a stranger whom he now knows as Luhan, with awkward pats on the back, and a bowl of his All-new pineapple pop-nuts, a health-snack developed by his R&D team, which was set to hit stores this May 2nd, on his funding partner's birthday. There was going to be a launch party too. Zitao's extravagance really knew no bounds.
"So, um- How do you feel now?" Sehun started, awkwardly. Years of staying closed-off , or within the bounds of his scientific fraternity led him to be as inexperienced as a coffinnail in dating.
"I'm fi-" Luhan faltered. "I'm not so fine, really. But thanks for the...uh...pineapple chips?"
Sehun chuckled a bit, "You mean my All-new pineapple pop-nuts, you won't get them in anywhere else. For now."
"For now?" Luhan raised an eyebrow.
"I mean, this product has not yet been released to the public. Yet. We have all the licences. It's just the matter of a few more formalities."
"Oh. Nothing beats my farm's fresh pineapples though." Luhan mused.
"Yes, that is true. But not everyone is lucky enough to own a farm, and this is the closest they can-
"So you have tasted my pineapples. Which means you have stolen them."
"What? No-" Sehun rebutted, futilely.
"Just 'fess up already. I forgive you." Luhan laughed. Sehun felt like the day when his dad agreed to let him be a pineapple scientist, or like that time when a baby llama was born to one of his trainee llamas. He saw stars.
*
Luhan looked fondl-, erm, sorry, with interest, at the cut-, erm, sorry again, intriguing boy in front of him. The kid was now just staring back at Luhan like he was a fresh pineapple, mouth watering just slightly.
"Hey", Luhan waved his hand in front of the other's eyes. "You okay?"
"Never been better."
"Um, okay..." Luhan stood up to leave. He felt good, but still, a bit awkward at being stared at so gormlessly, "I think I need to get going. Bye."
"Okay."
*
As he left the high-tech pineapple freeze-storage facility, Luhan felt weird. Light. Like today was actually not a bad day. Even though today was the day he confronted a thief, got cheated on, and shot a man. Well, the last one made him laugh. He did try to shoot the brainless village head, but the gun had no rounds in it. Hah. To think that the whole village had been afraid of a stupid man because of a blank gun. Luhan felt stupid. But mostly, he just felt light, and cozy. And it wouldn't be wrong to say that it's because of a green-headed noodlebod.
"Nobody asked you!" Luhan snapped. At the air in general. Because he doesn't know who it is.
Ah, young love.
*
"So...the launch party is going to be held at your place?" Sehun spoke into his phone.
"Yeah. On May the 2nd. You know it all. Bring a date, or a pet." Said a feline voice.
"What?" Sehun was a bit taken aback. Was Zitao mocking him?
"Yes, I'm serious. I know y'all in the scientific fraternity don't really have the time", Zitao continued, "or the talent, to get yourself a date."
What the actual flowering fuck? If Zitao wasn't his funding partner, Sehun would have locked him up in the pineapple freeze-storage, and would have cut him up and added him to a Microwaveable Ready-to-eat Hawaiian BBQ Chicken Pizza, and would have sold him to Chanyeol. And he would let Chanyeol choke on it. Two birds with one stone. Luhan would be appreciative of it, he was sure. But would he be appreciative if you asked him out to the party?
"Oh, shut up! Noone asked you."
But Zitao was right. Being all wrapped up in his research, Sehun neither had the time, nor did he have the talent to get himself a date. He sometimes liked to think that he had the looks to get a date, but that was sometimes questionable too, especially when he went into the village streets looking like Albert Einstein's not-so-popular cousin.
Sehun used bet his life saying that there was nothing in the world as interesting as pineapples and llamas, but he wasn't so sure anymore. And he definitely did not want the entire world to know that his date was his cute pet snake Abracadacobra.
*
Yet again, it was just another early day at Ananas farm, and Luhan, having gotten ready like a true farmer, bounded towards the south-facing side of the low hill, towards his farm. What was that suspiciously green round thing bobbing around in his bushes?
The suspicious green bob turned around. Thank God, it was just the cute kid, Sehunnie
Luhan, did you just say 'cute kid'? And 'Sehunnie'? Huh? Huh? HUH? OKAY IMMA TELL HIM RIGHT AWAY K BYEEE-
"Would you just stay where you are for a moment and let our story go on as planned, without you trying to speed things up? Look, maybe this is all very entertaining to Your Highness, but it is not to me. You make me feel like a pawn in your games and you better just shut up."
Bu- But I'm the narrator, you see. I'm allowed to be a douche. And how did you know that I'm a king?
"A king? Well, unfortunately, I'm not from your kingdom, and maybe it's just my wonderful luck that I happen to be governed by my cheating ex's new boyfriend."
Luhan walked over to his Sehunnie.
*
Sehun had been waiting for almost an hour, and he was about to give up.
But, hey. You went in at like 5:30 AM. Who in their right mind would be awake at such an ungodly hour? Who?
"Oh. Is it?"
Sehun heard someone creeping towards him. He was a bit scared. The sun hadn't really come out completely. It was the witching hour of dawn, when everything in nature seemed more dramatic than it usually is. For example, even Sehun's non-existent love-life seemed more of a distant possibility than a written off idea.
He turned around. He saw Luhan give off a small smile, only to immediately shoot off into an angry incoherent soliloquy. Sehun felt a bit like a creep for having creeped around in someone else's farm at this time. Though he does not personally like to address Luhan as just another "someone else".
"Hey", he started, somewhat breaking Luhan's speech.
"Hey", he responded, with the small smile Sehun was growing to love, and he rathered liked to think that the reason for that smile was him.
The reason for his smile is you, you idiot. Don't be so doubtful about it.
Sehun was nonplussed, and Luhan's cheeks started looking like naughty flamingoes.
"Just, uh, don't mind him. Heheh." Luhan said, quite abashed.
Don't mind me? DON'T MIND ME? Do you have any idea what an atrocious sentence you have uttered? DO YOU?
"Huh? Okay", Sehun said, quite not getting the situation, as he was a little slow on the uptake sometimes. "Anyways, I was wondering if you'd like to attend the launch party of my All-new pineapple pop-nuts?"
"Pardon?"
"You see, my company is launching a new health snack, and we're having a party and-
"You. Are having a launch party. For a pack of pineapple chips. Wow. I can't imagine the scale of your wedding, then, if you hold parties to share chips." Luhan deadpanned.
Oh. My. God. Luhan was talking about his wedding. Did he have any idea that Sehun sometimes fancied Luhan next to him on that fateful day? Did he? It's okay, Sehun. Don't let your heart go into overdrive AND JUST ASK HIM OUT ALREADY, Sehun said to himself.
"Look", Sehun started again, a bit breathless this time around. "It's also my friend's[Funding partner, Sehun, funding partner. That bastard lost his status as a friend when he mocked you like that] birthday, and I'd like you to attend."
"Why should I attend your friend's birthday party? Where you just so happen to be sharing, oh, I'm sorry, releasing, your chips?"
"LOOK. I'M TRYING TO ASK YOU OUT!"
"Oh. Oh."
*
It was around 9 PM on May the 2nd. Everyone was fashionably arriving late, and Jackson sat at the entryway of the grand white mansion, smiling at everyone. Wow. So many new people. Will Baekhyun come too?
There was a huge wide red carpet spread out all the way from the entrance of the white mansion, from the entryway where Jackson sat, through the stone walkway through the verdant lawns, up the marble steps, into the large hall, through its centre, all the way up to the stage, where there was a long table with mics on it. And there were many chairs in the front, beside the carpet, upon which were seated noisy and nosy people with clipboards and long cameras, shooting questions and taking notes. The important-looking people seated at the table on the stage were answering the repetitive questions as calmly as they could. A press conference?
Jackson kept smiling at the people. He suddenly saw a man in a waiter's uniform trudge towards him. You wanna chat?
The waiter showed no change of expression at his friendly invitation for a conversation and unceremoniously picked him up. Oh no. Put me down, you nasty man. Do you know you're showing my muddy ass to all the guests who are entering? PUT ME DOWN! This is so disgraceful, ugh.
The waiter again showed no visible response to his pleadings and he just heaved again, because, Jackson the steel leopard was hella heavy.
Suffer, you deplorable human. May carrying my weight be your punishment.
Jackson was so entrenched in his sufferings and his disgraceful exit from his comfortable entryway position, that he did not realize he was now next to his master, Zitao, in the front of the stage. Oh, now the bastard who separated me from Baekhyun is petting me. Pretentious asshole.
But now, at least he had a view of the entire scene at the party. There was an important looking tall man with an equally tall but more smiley, friendly, and clumsy man in tow. It looked like the man just heard something extremely disgraceful from a short man in a white suit. He cocked his ears. Jackson was a sucker for gossip.
"What? No- How did you get to know?" the tall man squawked out.
"Well, don't feel offended or anything, but I did pull the trigger on you, and I was quite disappointed when there were no rounds inside the gun. Ha! But, I think, looking back upon it, it is eternal ammo against you. Sad for you, Chrissy. Just make sure you don't displease me, otherwise your post as "village head" will be down the drain in no time."
A green-headed tall noodle-like man walked over to the trio. "Lu. Come on. This is a party. Stop threatening everyone you meet!"
"Only if you ask me out to dance." Ooh, do I smell a coquette?
"Uh...I don't think I want to dance in front of everyone...."
"You just turned me down. If you weren't so good-looking, I'd stomp out NOW, Oh Sehun. I'll lead you. Come on." They trudged over to the dancefloor, immediately grooving suggestively to the beat, leaving a despondent-looking tall man, and the clumsy man was giving awkward pats on his shoulder. "It's okay, babe. Luhan won't really do anything. Trust me. Or he might. I don't really know. It's okay."
"This is ALL your fault, Chanyeol!"
Clumsy just looked down sheepishly, but he looked up again. "Babe, come on. This is a party! And I think the little birthday gift you gave should please Zitao. Which should please his best friend Sehun too. And Sehun can calm Luhan down! Be optimistic!"
"Okay", Tall man said, still unconvinced. They walked off.
Zitao was walking towards Jackson with a waiter. The waiter was holding a large box. With something heavy, Jackson thought. Look at the peasant heave.
They placed the box down next to Jackson. He felt familiar to the box as soon as it settled down, like he knew the box. But he couldn't put his finger on it.
"I'll have you place my leopard at the fountain in front of the mansion. And you should install the stone thing at the head of the fountain."
"Shall I bring the masons tomorrow, sir?"
"Have I ever given you any time frame for my orders to be completed?"
"No, sir."
"Which means...?" Zitao asked, quite threateningly. The waiter looked like he peed his pants.
".....which means you want them complet-
"Now! DO IT NOW! Bring your masons or farmers or accountants or whatever, I want it completed Now."
The poor waiter scampered off. Jackson still wondered what might be in the box, but he kept quiet.
A couple of uniformed men came around three minutes later and lifted Jackson and the box off the floor. Jackson was curious.
They put him down near the fountain and opened the box. Something grey, I see. Is that granite?
The workers slowly turned it and placed it on the ground. A sleepy granite gargoyle was next to him. Hmmpf?
Jackson could not believe his glass eyes. BAEKHYUN!!!!!!
The gargoyle immediately rose from his hypothetical stupor. Hm?
BAEKHYUNNIEEEEE!!!!!! Jackson was jumping with excitement, if steel leopards could do that.
MY BOY JACKSON-AHHHHHHH!!!!!! Baekhyun literally screamed, like a gargoyle screams.
How've you been the past three years, my boiiii~~~
Never felt better than today in all my life, Jackson-ah!!! By the way, Baekhyun's stone eyes gleamed conspiratorially, How are the stewardesses around here?
Good enough, I guess. Sunny has really nice legs, you know.
Ah, you lucky soul, placed on the ground, you can look straight into their skirts if you wanted to. YOU LUCKY ASS!!!! Baekhyun gave him a hypothetical fist bump.
And they chattered happily into the night, beyond midnight, when, if one would look closely into the corner of the dancefloor where the light of the discoball doesn't reach, one can see a short barbie-man pinning a green-headed hottie onto the wall and eliciting unheard sounds into the neon-filled night.
Fin.
read part two.