Caffeine (One-shot)
Title: Caffeine
Pairing: Myungsoo/Sungyeol, Woohyun/Sungyeol.
Rating: R
Warning: Nothing much unless I really decide to change my ending in last minute.
Genre: Romance, Angst.
WC: 9,928
“Cause Ur like caffeine, 난 밤새 잠 못 들고
심장은 계속 뛰고 그러다가 또 니가 너무 밉고
Like caffeine 멀리하려고 해도
잊어보려고 해도 그럴 수가 어쩔 수가 없잖아”
Cause you’re like caffeine, I can’t fall asleep all night
My heart keeps racing and again, I hate you
Like caffeine, I try to stay away
I try to forget about you but I can’t do it, I can’t help it
Caffeine:
“You’re leaving?”
For a mere second, Sungyeol stopped buttoning up his shirt and stared at the reflection of a boy burying deeply under layers of blanket and cover behind his back. There was only a small handful of jet black hair appeared and usually the older would find the sight so endearing, so cute and he would not hesitate at all to come closer and pet the younger, maybe even coo sweet nothings to the younger and watch in fascination as the tips of his ears turned red. And then that certain boy would whine at him and Sungyeol would snort at the sight, finding it incomprehensible that such boy was the one who had just fucked him senselessly and now he was the one acting so cutely that it actually hurt.
But maybe now wasn’t an appropriate time for that scenario. Sungyeol sighed as he limped back to the boy; the bed gave out a small creak at the additional weight as the brunette crawled onto it, sitting face-to-blanket.
“Soo ah.”
“Shhh, I’m trying to sleep here.”
“Oh really?”
Sungyeol only rolled eyes in response. With only one flip he removed the blanket Myungsoo was hiding behind. The dark-haired boy looked like a deer caught in headlight, but quickly pulled back his blanket and grunted out a “don’t” in annoyance.
“I thought we have done discussing this already?”
“And I thought I have told you I was trying to sleep?”
“Don’t act like a brat Kim Myungsoo.”
“You should probably go home now hyung, he is waiting for you.”
Sungyeol couldn’t help but wince at Myungsoo’s voice, because it not only was dripping with poison but also reminded him of something, or actually someone he almost forgot. Next to the brunette, the younger had turned his back and curled up into a small ball, hands clutching tightly at his blanket. It was as clear as daylight that Myungsoo refused to continue the so-called fight they had just started.
“Fine.”
Sungyeol stood up abruptly, ignoring the pain on his lower back as he did so. Pulling back his winter coat and slipping on his shoes, the brunette left the younger’s apartment, not forgetting to slam the door hard behind him. Without noticing, a scowl made its way on his face and only after passing by a shop did he realized it through his reflection on the glassy window. The brunette tried to soften his facial muscles, not wanting to deal with another possible tantrum when he came home with that sulking face.
He just didn’t have time for those timid stuffs.
A couple passed by, holding hands happily and for a mere second the brunette thought about Myungsoo, about his calloused but warm palms, and about his disgruntled face when Sungyeol said he had to leave.
And for a mere second, something clawed hard at his heart and Sungyeol just wanted to laugh humorlessly.
Seriously, what would his boyfriend think if he knew?
The way to his apartment seemed heavier, harder than usual. Sungyeol wondered as he stood inside the elevator leading to the fifteenth floor, alone. The tingling sensation from his last intercourse with Myungsoo had faded away, thanks to the fight, and maybe even the cold weather out there. Sungyeol couldn’t help but feel a bit lost at the realization.
Though, he didn’t have much time to drowning himself with the feel, because in the next minute, he was standing right in front of his shared apartment already. Taking a deep breath and preparing for a calm face, Sungyeol punched his code numbers in and twisted open the doorknob. He needed to remember that there was someone out there who happened to be his boyfriend.
Who happened to be not Kim Myungsoo
“Hi babe.”
Woohyun appeared at the doorstep almost immediately, wearing a silly grin on his handsome face and Sungyeol only smiled lightly at him in response.
“How’s work today? And how’s the party? It’s nice that you don’t smell like alcohol.”
Woohyun asked, helping him remove his coat. For some reasons Sungyeol wondered whether the older could smell Myungsoo’s faint cologne on it, wondered about his reactions if he ever did notice.
Would he be mad?
Like, really really really mad to blow something?
“As shitty as usual. What would you expect more from Howon?” Eventually the brunette settled down for a safe answer “What’s for dinner? Did you save anything for me?”
His boyfriend turned back to answer him, something about tuna and salad and pumpkin soup, but all faded into the background as Sungyeol felt his phone in pant pocket vibrated, indicating for a new message.
“I’m sorry, okay? Forgive me hyung.”
The number was nameless, but needless to say, it’s Myungsoo. Sungyeol just never saved his number. It was an unspoken rule in that kind of game already; you don’t save your secret affair’s number under any circumstance.
He read that message later at night, when Woohyun was sleeping soundly next to him and he was lying on their shared bed, supposedly cuddling up with said boyfriend.
Sungyeol didn’t reply, as a punishment for Myungsoo and also for himself.
***
Lee Sungyeol, 25 years old, secretary in an insurance company, having a somewhat famous photographer as a boyfriend.
That’s how his life supposed to be.
***
A few days later, after seeing his boyfriend off at the airport, Sungyeol came back to his empty apartment. On the way home, the brunette called Myungsoo. They still hadn’t talked to each other since their last encounter, mainly because Sungyeol was afraid to stir Woohyun’s suspicion. Or maybe he just needed time to reconsider something.
Woohyun didn’t show any sign of recognition. He still smiled at the brunette his usual eye smiles, he still cooked him his dinner, sometimes even his lunch when the older wasn’t too busy in his dark room.
He still made love to Sungyeol without knowing that there’s someone else’s trace imprinted on his skin.
When was the last time they had that kind of fight a couple usually would have?
Sometimes Sungyeol couldn’t help but wonder whether Woohyun was really that dumb. Sometimes Sungyeol couldn’t help but wonder he was really his boyfriend.
“Are you home?”
Sungyeol heard the sound of rustling, probably Myungsoo was still sleeping. It was only 8 in a Sunday morning and the younger didn’t have any shift today.
“You plan to drop by, hyung?”
“No, I’m wondering if you want to come over my place.”
There was a silence of hesitation lingering around the air before Myungsoo breathed out a light “yes” and hanged up. Sungyeol sent him a text of his address, and then switched off his phone as well. Myungsoo had never been to his apartment before. It was easier to meet at the dark-haired boy’s since he lived alone. But with the absence for about a week of Woohyun, Sungyeol thought “why not?” Myungsoo didn’t point out loud but the older knew he was dead curious to see his place. He might or might not slip out sometimes, that he wanted to know Sungyeol’s state of living, his house interior, his bedroom. Myungsoo wanted to know everything about where he was living under and the brunette just found it so cute that he made a mental note to invite the younger over when the right time came. He could clean up later to hide any trace, it was not like he didn’t have time. Woohyun wasn’t at home now.
Guilt stirred at the pit of his stomach as he thought of his own boyfriend, who was travelling to another country to attend another exhibition. But it subsided quickly like how it appeared, as Sungyeol mentally drew Myungsoo’s features in his mind.
It took the younger about one hour before he appeared at Sungyeol’s door step, clothes neat and casual. The dark hair boy fidgeted a bit uncomfortably standing at his living room, looking around in curiosity and taking note of any single furniture, before dropping his gaze to a picture on the mantelpiece.
“It’s him, right?”
Myungsoo asked while reaching his hand out to take the photo. The boy stared at it intently and Sungyeol really wanted to know if he was looking the younger version of Sungyeol two years ago, or he was watching a younger version of Woohyun and evaluating him. And there was even a possibility that the younger boy was looking at the couple and evaluating them. It’s hard to know since he was sitting at the couch preparing their coffee, and Myungsoo was turning his back toward him.
“It was taken when we were undergraduates in college.”
“You looked young here.”
“And I’m old now?”
The other only chuckled in response as he placed the photo back to its old place. He turned around to look at Sungyeol and somehow the older thought he looked so lost, so out of place. Maybe it was because Myungsoo who happened to be the third, yet invisible person in their relationship was standing there, in this apartment which was designed for Sungyeol and Woohyun to live.
His fingers were playing with the hem of his faded sweater and Sungyeol made a mental note to buy a new one for him later.
“Hey, come here.”
He called and Myungsoo obediently came closer, eventually sat down next to him on the couch. Shyly, the boy moved to hold Sungyeol’s hand in his, their fingers interlaced and the older started leaning onto his touch. He felt Myungsoo sniffed lightly at his hair, probably to inhale the scent of his shampoo. Another endearing the younger boy had around him and the brunette couldn’t help but admit that he loved it. His fingers traced random patents on his skin and actually gave him goose bumps.
“When will he come back?”
“Next Sunday, he told me so.”
“So I guess we shouldn’t consume our time anymore, hm?”
“We have one week ahead, no need to rush.”
“Since I met you, there’s no place for hesitation hyung.”
Myungsoo muttered as he leaned down to capture Sungyeol’s lips in a languid kiss. The angle was a bit weird as the older had to crane his neck, but Sungyeol couldn’t care less as he started kissing back, feeling adrenaline rushed to every corner of his body, from his head to the tip of his toes. Myungsoo’s kisses always had that kind of effect toward his body, and the brunette felt like he was addicted to them already. He was addicted to the feel of chap lips against his own soft ones (Woohyun hated it when he didn’t apply lip balm), the way they moved smoothly together and especially the taste of Myungsoo mouth. A bit bitter and a bit sweet, here and there, just like coffee.
Another Sungyeol’s addiction about Myungsoo was his touches, too. The older gave out a silent moan as Myungsoo’s hand traveled under his polo shirt, exploring every bit of white skin. His finger tips grazed lightly at some small scars on his abdomen and for a mere second, among the flows of lust and desire Sungyeol remembered back to their first time when Myungsoo had kissed each of them and muttered out how perfect Sungyeol looked.
“Bedroom please.”
Sungyeol mewled as they parted and the younger looked down at him with those dark eyes. There was no trace of shy, innocent, blushing Myungsoo but only the existence of this dominant Myungsoo, who was looking like he was about to devour every pieces of him. The older couldn’t help but shiver, wondering how someone could change that much within a few minutes.
He didn’t have time to think more though, as Myungsoo scooped him up in his arms and left for the bedroom.
***
Sometimes when Woohyun wasn’t around and Myungsoo was asleep and there was no work, no rush, only silence, Sungyeol paid a small visit to the old days, to the first time when he met the younger boy. There was that branch of Starbucks at the corner of the street where his office resided, and when Myungsoo started working there half year ago, Sungyeol had already been a frequent customer for a while. At first he thought the 21-year-old was only there for a part time job, but as time passed, along with the growing times of Myungsoo serving him, their conversations bloomed and Sungyeol learnt that the other was a college dropout. Before that he was an engineering sophomore. Everyone had different patches in life and there was no way Sungyeol would press on more, nor did he judge the younger for abandoning his study.
Once in a while, being boyfriend of a photographer was a bit lonely, especially when you had a formal job with tight schedule. Sungyeol had come to adapt to that since he dated Woohyun and then graduated from college. Woohyun had a flexible timetable, which allowed him to stay home whenever he wanted, but Sungyeol’s days were mostly at the office so they only met in evening. Not to mention the older always travelled around to take new photos, to find his inspiration and sometimes simply to attend an event he was invited over. Which meant it left only Sungyeol in their shared apartment and sometimes the loneliness just hit him too hard to handle.
Look, it wasn’t like he was trying to defend for the fact that he was cheating behind Woohyun’s back. He just wanted to make it clear that he had always been a loyal boyfriend before he met Myungsoo, even when his boyfriend had to go to London or Paris or NY for a whole month and they could only talk through Skype. The point was that, he still felt lonely even when his boyfriend was around and they were staying under the same roof. And Myungsoo looked lonely, too, staying by himself in a small apartment of his. Somehow they fitted together and things happened just because. Myungsoo needed someone to share in life while Sungyeol needed someone to fulfill the emptiness deep inside his heart without breaking up with his boyfriend. Woohyun loved him dearly and he also still loved him, whether it was only a habit or not.
“I have a boyfriend already.”
Sungyeol told him when both pulled apart after a long kiss on that fateful night three months ago. They were standing outside Myungsoo’s apartment block and the older tried to look away by keeping his head down, fearing of seeing any negative emotion in the younger’s eyes. Myungsoo probably thought he was an unworthy cheater now, and the brunette couldn’t blame him if he really did so. A part of Sungyeol’s heart felt regretted for having confessed the truth, but he wasn’t feeling a bit regretted at all for having kissed that certain boy. It was like a fantasy finally could be fulfilled.
He felt guilty though, thinking back about his boyfriend who was in Beijing at that time. It was almost ironic because he was the one having initiated this, anything between them, and then at that very moment he suddenly remembered about the existence of Woohyun in his life.
Warm fingers pressed gently against his skin to lift his chin up, and Sungyeol was pulled to face to face level with Myungsoo.
“It’s okay. I knew.”
He knew.
The guilt only bubbled more and Sungyeol swallowed down hard the lump constricting his throat. Maybe turning back was a right choice before it was too late, he couldn’t help but wonder.
But it had been too late already even before he knew it.
***
Woohyun came home a bit sooner than Sungyeol had expected, around Friday night and the brunette felt relieved that he had changed their bed sheet, done the laundry and washed the dishes. He secretly texted Myungsoo to stop coming by with his cell phone under blanket while Woohyun was changing his clothes, pacing back and forth around their shared bedroom gushing about the exhibitions. The brunette dropped some random comments here and there to make sure he sounded like he really cared, before standing up to head for the kitchen and heat up dinner for his boyfriend.
“I miss you a lot.”
Woohyun muttered as he caught Sungyeol in a tight hug when the younger passed by.
“I had tried to finish everything earlier so I could come home sooner. It’s hard not to be able to see you everyday.”
His lips moved to place butterfly kisses on his nape and usually Sungyeol would giggle at the tickling sensation. But now the sound died at the tip of his tongue, because all he thought of was Myungsoo and how he had touched him just a few hours ago.
“So do I, hyung. I miss you.”
He managed to croak out eventually, still standing there and letting Woohyun hold him.
They made love that night, but that time Sungyeol no longer felt the spark he usually felt whenever being intimate with Woohyun. He was quiet for most of the time, and thinking back again, the brunette had never been vocal at all, which Sungyeol felt so thankful for since he didn’t have to explain anything. Woohyun tried to keep eye contact with him constantly, and at one point Sungyeol had a feeling that he had just seen a flash of hurt deep inside the older’s brown orbs. But it quickly vanished into the thin air as Woohyun held him tight in his arms with every thrust, murmuring his name and a string of “I love you”s into Sungyeol’s ear. It was like a mantra and the brunette’s chest burst out with a mixed type of emotions, so intense and overwhelming that tears started to stream down his cheeks. Sungyeol wanted to wipe them away, but he felt so weak, so helpless that he let them fall freely. The younger would like Woohyun to think that it was because of their intercourse that he cried.
And it would be better that way.
Woohyun had a habit of cuddling up with Sungyeol as they were done and Sungyeol couldn’t help but feel a bit lost, since Myungsoo had a different habit of cleaning Sungyeol first before going to bed with him. The youngest knew he was uncomfortable sleeping with skin still covered with sweat and come, so despite his own drowsy state, Myungsoo still got up and cleaned him with a prepared towel. Then before they fell asleep together, which was a rare occasion since Sungyeol usually left immediately, Myungsoo would reach for his hands and hold them tightly in an act of warming them up. Unlike Woohyun and Myungsoo who had warm hands, Sungyeol had a pair of very cold hands regardless of the weather and when he was young, the brunette had a habit of sticking his icy hands to his mother’s neck to tease her.
“I once read from a book that a person who had cold hands is also a very kind-hearted man.”
Myungsoo grinned sleepily at him as he sad so, his fingers intertwined with Sungyeol’s. The older had never had a sudden urge to kiss him breathlessly like at that moment.
***
If there was any mutuality between Myungsoo and Woohyun, it might be their love for photography. But while the older was a professional in the field, Myungsoo only took photos because he liked it, or actually because he couldn’t manage to become a major. There were many fishes out there while Myungsoo still needed to earn his living.
“It’s like writing a diary, you know. But instead of using pen and paper, I’m using my lens to capture things in my life, to never forget them.”
And those “things” also included of Sungyeol.
Again, there were still differences even in their mutual love of taking photos. It wasn’t like Woohyun had never taken pictures of Sungyeol, in fact he had been model for many of his shoots. But every time like that, he had to make up carefully and posed for any theme Woohyun preferred. The older was a perfection seeker and he would never create imperfection.
On the other hand, Myungsoo took pictures of Sungyeol everywhere, every time he liked. He took thousands photos of sleeping Sungyeol, eating Sungyeol, sulking Sungyeol, and even recorded their morning after when the brunette managed successfully for a sleepover.
“Say hi~”
The younger grinned as he aimed the lens down at Sungyeol’s sleepy face. The brunette tried to swat the camera away as he ducked to hide under the blanket they were sharing, squeaking a little as he did so.
“Stop filming Soo!”
“Why?”
He retorted playfully and Sungyeol didn’t need to see to know that the other was still directing his camera at him.
“I haven’t washed my face.”
He haven’t washed his face or brushed his teeth, there were pimples on his forehead and his hair looked like a bird nest. What’s interesting for Myungsoo to film him anyway? He looked messy.
“But you look cute.”
Myungsoo sounded sincere and Sungyeol’s heart melted slowly at the words. He let his shield fall as Myungsoo pulled the blanket away from his face. And there that certain young boy sat in front of him, holding a camera while smiling brightly at Sungyeol’s. He moved closer to the brunette and pressed a chaste kiss on his cheek, not forgetting to film that part as well.
“Good morning sunshine.”
He whispered.
“What are you thinking dear?”
Sungyeol was snapped out from his train of thought and the boy blinked twice, thrice, before turning his head to stare at Woohyun. He was still holding his boyfriend’s latest works, a series of photos taken for a next month’s exhibition held in Busan.
“Look, aren’t you pretty?”
He asked, staring almost proudly at the first photo and Sungyeol shifted eyes to stare at himself in the paper. A Sungyeol wearing thick eyeliner, lips stained with red and skin heavy with powder. He was wearing a black leather jacket, something he really hated and not his style at all.
“This photo is so gorgeous dear.”
Woohyun kissed his cheek and Sungyeol felt something inside him just died.
***
From: xxx-xxxxxxx
“Hey can u drop by later? I have pop corn n good movie.”
To: xxx-xxxxxxx
“You do know that my boyfriend is back, right?”
From: xxx-xxxxxxx
“So what?”
Sungyeol chuckled slightly at the bratty text. He swore he even saw Myungsoo’s pout and his poor attempt to be stubborn, which is kind of cute since Myungsoo hardly acted cutely. He was only being a brat when he wanted something or felt frustrated about. Sungyeol tapped his chin while trying to figure out what the main deal was. It was not like they had not met each other recently. In fact during those days Sungyeol had lied to Woohyun and ditched dinners for some “extra working hours”. He was acting like a bastard, Sungyeol was fully aware of it, but he just couldn’t keep calm with the fact that there was something bothering his feel when it came to their relationship, and he needed someone to console him, to keep him sane. Myungsoo seemed to be a perfect choice, though he was the one who had affected Sungyeol’s peaceful love life. So those time were all spent with Myungsoo, but confined in his apartment since Sungyeol had a fear of getting caught (he still had a mind to keep his affair a secret, thank you). The brunette even asked his friend, and also colleague, Howon to cover his ass. The latter had shot him dirty looks like he actually knew and the taller had to keep his face calm from heating up in embarrassment.
Nevertheless, Howon still lied for Sungyeol. He just felt so thankful for that.
Something certainly had pissed Myungsoo off at work. Sungyeol had an urge to pet the younger and ask him what was wrong, and so he wasn’t hesitant at all to wipe out his phone and send Woohyun another apologetic text.
From: Sungyeol
“I have a meeting and a buffet supper to attend today, don’t wait for me okay?”
To: Sungyeol
“That’s too bad. Okay dear, don’t overwork yourself ‘kay? I love you.”
Sungyeol bit his lips as his phone screen brightened up with Woohyun’s text, but quickly push it away as he stood up and collected his belongings. In the next booth, Howon craned his neck to look at the taller man; he was also about to go home at that point. The brunette turned to glance at his friend and mouthed the words “cover for me if he calls”, which earned him an eye-roll in response. The brunette only shrugged it off and took his bag along, when Howon called his name again.
“Huh?”
The brunette widened his eyes in question. The shorter man seemed to contemplate for a bit, before dismissing him with a wave and a snicker. Sungyeol didn’t care much, taking it as his friend’s unique way of saying goodbye. Howon was always like that.
By the time Sungyeol came home, it was almost midnight. The lights were all off, except for a thin sheen coming through a gape from their bedroom door. Woohyun was probably asleep then, which was kind of strange since he was being nocturnal, claiming to have a new set of work to be done. Sungyeol put his shoes down as quietly as possible, leaving behind his bag on the couch before making a beeline toward their bedroom.
Woohyun was sleeping soundly on their bed. Sungyeol stopped to watch the light from the nightstand illuminated his profile for a bit, then quickly changing into his pajamas. He was half way putting his left arm in when the sight of a bottle caught his attention, and Sungyeol conveniently took it with his free right hand. Squinting hard, the brunette tried to read the label in the poorly lit room.
That was a bottle of sedative.
A shudder ran through his body and he almost snapped his neck to look at Woohyun. The other was still sleeping peacefully, breath calmed and Sungyeol let out a sigh he didn’t know himself was holding.
The next morning, Sungyeol watched as Woohyun was making their breakfast. Only then did the taller take a thorough observation at his boyfriend and noticed that there were dark circles under his usually bright eyes. To be honest, the shorter looked a bit lifeless even from his behind. Guilt surged through Sungyeol and the brunette sighed, feeling his throat strained all of a sudden.
“Hyung ah.”
He called out softly. His boyfriend hummed in acknowledgment, turning back to give him a smile. It didn’t reach his eyes as it usually did, and Sungyeol felt like crying.
“Wait for me a bit ‘kay? I’m almost done.”
Biting his lips hard, Sungyeol moved to stand behind Woohyun and circled his lanky arms around the other man in an attempt for a back hug.
“You’re really tired right? I’m sorry, I will try to come home sooner.”
“It’s okay Yeol ah. I’m an understanding husband ‘kay? A husband needs to support his own wife~”
Woohyun chuckled at his lame joke and usually Sungyeol would hit him for calling him his wife, but at that very moment the younger just didn’t have a heart to do so. The older man paused briefly, his hand find Sungyeol’s and gave it a tight squeeze.
“I love you a lot, do you know?”
The brunette bit his lip harder till it almost bled.
This was his life, how could he forget it that easily? This was his boyfriend who loved him dearly, how could he think of hiding away from him?
The brunette’s mind drifted back to that one occasion when he told Myungsoo that sometimes he felt so hurt because he didn’t intend to hurt Woohyun. No one wanted to get cheated by the person they loved, Sungyeol was Woohyun’s everything since they graduated and he didn’t have a right to do such things to the older. What would he do if he ever found out?
“No one wants to be cheated, surely. But do ever you think that nobody wants to be the second option? Whatever we are, we still get hurt hyung.”
Gosh, just what had he done?
***
Myungsoo sighed for the nth time of the day as he was done checking his phone. No new message, no phone call and the worst was no reply at all. Sungyeol suddenly vanished into the thin air by ignoring all his attempts of contacting, and at some points the younger even wondered whether the older had blocked his number. This was so irritating. Myungsoo just wanted to check the other, whether he was fine, whether he was eating properly, whether he remembered to wear warm clothes. The weather was becoming more and more chilly, the Christmas Eve was about to come in a few weeks. His lips curved up slightly at the thought about the holiday, but it didn’t radiate with any happiness and instead pure sorrow.
The bell at the front door jingled and Myungsoo straightened himself up for a greeting to his customer.
“Welcome to Starbucks! What can I get for you sir?”
His smile died down quickly though, because standing in the flesh before the young boy now was Nam Woohyun.
As in Nam Woohyun, Sungyeol’s boyfriend.
“I would like a Cake Batter Frappuccino, and change the almond syrup with hazelnut syrup please.”
“H-here or ca-carry-out?”
“Here. I’m waiting for someone actually.”
Woohyun smiled almost fondly at the end of his sentence. Myungsoo only nodded his head automatically; ducking his head to the side to avoid the older’s gaze. He reached for a cup and pulled out his pen:
“What is your name s-sir?”
“It’s Woohyun.”
The photographer stressed. Myungsoo almost cursed himself out loud as his hand was so shaking that he was afraid he couldn’t write legibly. Nevertheless, he still took a deep breath to calm his mind as he offered a strained smile at the other. It surprised himself that he wasn’t stuttering anymore, but his voice sounded like someone had just strangled him:
“It’s two bucks sir, and please wait at the table. We will bring you your drink when it’s done.”
“Okay, thank you.”
Woohyun paid for his drink before turning back to find a vacant seat. Another girl appeared on queue but the dark-haired boy’s mind was so like in a roller coaster that he couldn’t care less about her. Throwing a boney boy going by the name Sungjong to serve the customers, he himself tried to calm down a little as he was making Woohyun’s drink.
He needed to figure something, now.
It wasn’t like he had never prepared for something like that. He even had made many scenarios in which Woohyun would come to find him. And then they would involve in a bloody fight and Myungsoo knew for sure that he wasn’t a coward to let Woohyun win. He had to save his dignity and to gain Sungyeol back from the older boy; that was a point he had set clear in mind from the very first start. People could throw insults at him if things got unveiled, but Myungsoo couldn’t care less. If he really cared then he would never start anything of this.
Anyway, it was always easier being said than done. It gave Myungsoo a shock that Woohyun had come to find him all of a sudden, and the shocker was that instead of grabbing his collar to teach him a lesson, the older still had a mind to order something to drink. He even kept that calm facet, always smiley and friendly. It gave Myungsoo chill and the younger boy started wondering whether he was just imagining things. He was so nervous at that point, not because he was afraid that he could be fired at any moment for his stigma. He was more afraid for the question of whether Sungyeol was okay, whether they were okay after this.
Did Woohyun’s appearance today have anything to do with the fact that Sungyeol was avoiding him?
“Here’s your drink sir.”
Myungsoo announced politely while placing the Frappuccino cup neatly on Woohyun’s desk. The older gave him a smile in return, fingers played languidly with the straw and somehow Myungsoo felt like he was bored right into his face with the other’s stare. Up close, Woohyun looked more mature than in the photo Myungsoo had seen in his apartment, more subtle but there was this worn-out feel hanging around him. For a mere second Myungsoo wanted to ask whether Woohyun was okay, because he seemed to be not despite his calm acts.
“So you said you’re waiting for someone?”
He tried to initiate in a friendly tone. Myungsoo’s heartbeat increased at the possible answer, because wasn’t it too obvious? Who else Woohyun could wait for around here? The older tilted his head a bit and answered, voice still calmed and a bit bored:
“Yeah, I’m waiting for my boyfriend.”
Opposite him, the dark-haired boy tried to keep himself collected at the mention of a certain person. Reality was always hard like that, he understood. Sungyeol was Woohyun’s boyfriend and who was Myungsoo to complain? His breath hitched a little at the thought and the boy tried to mask his sudden mood change by turning somewhere else to dust off imaginary dirt. Myungsoo wanted to curl up somewhere, maybe in the storage room since hardly someone came there, and slept a bit. Then there was a possibility that he would forget about Woohyun, about his overfriendly smiles and his trip here. It just so hurt his heart, and not to mention his dignity.
“You look so pale, what’s wrong?”
Woohyun’s voice snapped him from his train of thought and Myungsoo blinked his eyes a few time to ease the sting.
“Thanks for your concern sir, but I’m fine.”
“You can sit here you know.” Woohyun patted the empty seat next to him, the one which wasn’t occupied with camera and envelope clutch bag. “I think your colleague will not mind.”
Sungjong was actually glaring daggers at Myungsoo at that moment, having had to serve all customers and he knew he should return to work soon, but then Woohyun gave him that look, the kind of look that made the word “no” seem so impossible. Thus the younger took his seat cautiously, hands clasped tight together as he sat at the same table with Woohyun.
“How old are you then? You look very young.”
“I’m 21 already.”
“So you’re four years younger than me and boyfriend. We are in the same age, meeting in college and all. Having been together for three years already.”
“Wow, that’s long.”
Myungsoo croaked out a reply in an attempt to sound impressed. But his stomach was churning with so much upset and hurt and annoyance, and he just wanted to throw up. Next to him Woohyun was still blabbering and the younger found it too hard to block out the sound of his obnoxious voice.
“He’s very tall and has nice body. He’s working for that insurance company across the street, but I think it would suit him more if he worked as my model. He’s appeared many times in my works.”
Oh please, he’s not your model. Myungsoo’s nails dug deeper onto his palm with the hope that the pain would help him to calm his state down.
“He likes coffee a lot too, but only the original type. I used to hate coffee a lot but now because of him I also drink them.”
“You know, it’s even a surprise to me how important he is in my life. He’s like caffeine, I get so addicted that I have no choice but submitting. I would forgive him for everything, even cheating, because in the end I believe I’m the only one he will choose to go home with.” Woohyun paused briefly. “I think I’ll propose to him soon, probably this Christmas Eve. One of my exhibitions is going to be held in Paris, and what can be romantic more than getting proposed at the most romantic city?”
Myungsoo's insides lurch as he tries to swallow the sudden thickness in his throat, thickness that signals the onset of tears. The wish to throw up and then curl up to somewhere no one could find him had never been that desirable, but somehow Myungsoo still found himself sitting there passively, boring hole to the table surface. Woohyun’s voice faintly reached his ears and it was almost impossible for the younger to comprehend what the other was saying, in that overwhelming state. Luckily he still managed to catch the last part.
“…Do you have any boyfriend?”
“I…” Myungsoo’s mind was so blank that he didn’t even know what he had said to answer Woohyun anymore. “I don’t know.”
“That’s a strange answer dude.”
Woohyun chuckled in that overfriendly way again, but that time Myungsoo couldn’t care less that time. He heard someone’s phone turned off, surely not his, and there was sound of talking. There were some rustling sounds after too, and the boy was snapped back to reality again when Woohyun’s hand poke his shoulder. Still in that dazed mind, he looked up to find the older about to go.
“I have to go now; my boyfriend is waiting for me outside his office. Thanks a lot for accompanying me dude. Have a nice day.”
“Hey wait.”
Myungsoo called just when Woohyun reached for the doorknob and was about to twist it. The older turned back to raise an eyebrow questioningly at him.
It took Myungsoo some seconds to finally mutter out, the words were timid and almost stuck up but definitely could be heard.
“Why?”
“I just want to share, friend.”
Woohyun stressed. There was that strange glint Myungsoo hadn’t noticed since the beginning flashed deep inside his eyes, and then Woohyun disappeared behind the closed door. Everything came back to its usual circle, some more customers came in and Sungjong was still serving them like nothing happened, and only Myungsoo stood there looking like a dumb. It was a surprise to even himself that he hadn’t emptied his stomach yet and managed to keep calm till the last minute.
He did end up running to the storage room and curl up himself there, though.
It had been a silent agreement between them that they didn’t talk about Sungyeol’s boyfriend while being together, and Myungsoo had never had a mind to wander off to think about who Woohyun actually was, except for being a famous photographer.
But at that very moment he was sitting in his apartment staring blankly at his laptop screen in which Woohyun’s face was smiling brightly. It was the latest interview he attended before starting his chain of exhibitions ranging from Korea to Canada, France and some states in USA. He sat passively, hardly comprehending what the emcee and Woohyun were talking about and instead taking notice in the way the other man shone with elegance, wealth and success. Then the boy looked back to his cheap apartment, to the plaid shirt he was wearing, to the too old sneakers at the room corner. Initially, everything hurt and Myungsoo buried himself deeper into the couch.
Why in the world some people had everything and some people had it hard to merely get by?
Myungsoo didn’t blame this fact on anyone, eventuall. It was his life and his responsibility.
***
Christmas came and while works seemed to get busier and busier, despite all the rush and merriness Myungsoo remained quiet all the time. He hardly talked to anyone, even sparing a glance to tease his co-worker Sungjong and usually the younger would feel grateful about that. But the reality only brought a permanent scowl to the teenager’s pretty face, and at one point he had to actually kick Myungsoo at his shin, just because.
“Stop sulking like that, you’re ruining the mood.”
“You two are ruining the mood together, just saying. And Sungjong, it’s “Myungsoo hyung” to you ‘kay?”
An older barista called Sunggyu muttered while passing by and Myungsoo could only sigh at the remark. Beside him Sungjong was hanging his head down like a kicked little puppy, but the sight quickly changed as he looked at the dark-haired boy again.
“Can you stop these depressing stuffs you’re having for a few days? This is holiday, stay merry.”
“You don’t understand Sungjong. But well, thanks for caring anyway.”
“It’s because we always stand together and your ugly sad face is distracting.”
For once Myungsoo actually reached out to pet his dongsaeng’s head like a real hyung he was, since their relationship always consisted of biting remarks and playful kicks or punches. Sungjong whined childishly about something like “ruining his hair style”, but Myungsoo’s mind didn’t concentrate on him anymore. His thoughts drifted off to that person again, and that time he wondered whether things could have changed if he had been stubborn enough to run after him. What would have happened if he confessed for once? Would Sungyeol reconsider and choose him instead of Woohyun?
However, what was their relationship actually? Wasn’t it obvious that Sungyeol had stated from the very beginning that he had a boyfriend, and that they were only there for each other whenever feeling so so so lonely that they needed someone to hold on them? Woohyun had everything Myungsoo couldn’t manage, he had known Sungyeol longer and he seemed sincere despite all the things happening back in the café two weeks ago. Woohyun had braced himself for any pain just to be with Sungyeol, and who Myungsoo was to compare?
But he still couldn’t feel less, if not more, hurt.
Myungsoo came back to his empty apartment that night, no Christmas tree, no big meal, no whatsoever to celebrate. It had been always like that for the past few years since the death of his family and Myungsoo had once thought he got used to it already, until a betrayal tear rolled down his cheek as he caught sight of Sungyeol’s photos the boy had pinned on the wall.
His addiction to the older had come to a point that he didn’t think he could control it anymore.
The boy frantically ran to the wall and pulled all the photos down. Some were ripped apart along the way, but his eyes were already so clouded that Myungsoo couldn’t see clear anymore. Fingers numbly removed them and at one point they were supposed to get hurt, since blunt fingernails were clawing at the material and there was tiny trail of blood on the flat surface. In his unclear state of mind, Myungsoo couldn’t make out whether or not he really did hit the wall with his hands. He only stopped after coming up to face a Sungyeol’s photo, his favorite one to be more exact. Myungsoo stared at the other’s bright smile in the picture, hand clasped tightly in his and before he knew it, he had already collapsed to the ground sobbing pathetically.
Please. Get out of my life please.
Myungsoo woke up few hours later, assuming that it was past mid-night already. It was Christmas, Woohyun had probably proposed to Sungyeol and the brunette would surely say “yes”. His mind ran around those thoughts while his legs tried to carry himself up. He walked to the bathroom to wash his bloody hands, Myungsoo didn’t even care to apply any ointment or bandage them up. He was supposed to get hungry because he hadn’t had anything since lunch, but the boy didn’t bother to eat anymore. He limped back to the tiny couch in his living room and laid down there, turning on the TV in the process. The screen flickered for a second before coming to life, showing Christmas celebration around the world. Everything came to a deaf silence to Myungsoo’s ears as he stared blankly at the device.
He just needed something to make noise there. It was so empty, so dead quiet that he was scared he would do something stupid again, just like some years ago. The faint scar at his wrist throbbed slightly at its mention; he tried hard to not look down at it.
Myungsoo woke up with the sound of fists thundering at his door. He wanted to ignore the irritating sound but then heard faint yells of his name outside, and his stomach lurched again because it sounded endearingly familiar. Still, it didn’t help the way his heart almost jumped at the sight of his unexpected guess as he opened the door.
Sungyeol stomped into his apartment like a tornado, carrying along chilly wind and somehow the feel of being scared. The brunette turned to look at Myungsoo with the usually glassy eyes he always wore whenever feeling frustrated and as much as the younger wanted to hug him and smooth down the crinkles between his brows, he still had his ego to maintain.
“What a pleasure to have you visit me this Christmas, sir.”
“Drop that sarcastic attitude somewhere Soo, I’m not in the mood for it now.”
“So you think someone you had thrown away would have a mood to serve you?”
Silence filled the whole room again, that time thicker than ever and Myungsoo felt like all of what called oxygen had been sucked dry from his lung. It’s so hard to breathe there, so suffocating and for a mere second he felt regretted for spilling those spiteful words at Sungyeol’s face. His face looked paler, thinner than last time they met, he seemed miserable and tired just like the first time Myungsoo saw him and the younger knew no matter how much the older hurt him he would never want to say those stuffs at that pretty face he had grown to love. Sungyeol’s fists clenched tight by his sides, Myungsoo knew very well that the man was only trying to look strong there, because his eyes were getting watered, breath quickened and Myungsoo knew he needed to be embraced soon to not break down.
“I’m sorry okay? I’m really sorry.”
Myungsoo came closer to give Sungyeol a hug and the brunette slumped down against him, trembling hands clutching tight at his sweater. His sobs muffled into the woolen material as he cried his eyes out.
“I-I ran away from him. H-he proposed to me in front of guesses coming to his exhibition and I just- I just fleeted away.”
It took a while to calm down a hysterical Sungyeol, but eventually Myungsoo was successful at least. The older was bundled up in piles of blankets, there were only a few sniffs occasionally slipping out and though the younger had told him to sleep a bit, the older still refused to do so.
***
Their relationship wasn’t all about sex, Sungyeol was so well aware about that. He was so well aware that it actually hurt, because if it was only sex then things would be so much easier. He wouldn’t feel that heavy when Myungsoo whispered something so sweet, so nice to him. He wouldn’t feel that hurt when Myungsoo pulled out that disgruntled expression when Sungyeol said he had to leave, though they both understood their situation. And maybe he would feel less like a betrayer when he thought about Woohyun, about their cold apartment and their loose relationship, and about the proposal.
Was it his fault that everything turned out that way?
Wasn’t it better if they broke up sooner?
But again, Sungyeol just didn’t have a gut to say that out loud. He was the one who cheated first. And Woohyun… Sungyeol just couldn’t leave. Woohyun’s parents had disowned him years ago, when he came out and chose Sungyeol over his own family. He might have friends, colleagues to be more precise, but their bonds only extended to the border of his profession, nothing more nothing less. They might be polite but Sungyeol knew better than that. None would care whether Woohyun was feeling fine or not.
The brunette pondered about that fact and his brain told him to break anything between him and Myungsoo. He couldn’t hurt Woohyun more, and either he wanted to hurt Myungsoo. Additionally, he didn’t want to hurt himself. Myungsoo might have had a steady relationship if he hadn’t started anything with the boy. Woohyun would still have him as a loyal lover, though their relationship might be distant from time to time due to work trips. It turned out to be an impossible act, though, because in the end no matter what happened, he still found one way or another to come back to Myungsoo. From a boy he took advantage of to feel less lonely, Myungsoo managed to steal a piece and left behind a big empty hole in his heart.
Sungyeol had assumed everything would return to its normal cycle if he tried hard enough to stop seeing Myungsoo, and if Woohyun ever proposed to him. He had waited for that day since their first anniversary together, knowing that it was only a matter of time because there was no way Woohyun would marry someone else. But the real deal was always harder than how he had imagined it to be, and all hell broke loose the moment Woohyun got on his knee showing him the velvet box.
In a split second before running away, Sungyeol realized that he couldn’t lie anymore.
Or so he thought.
***
Days in Myungsoo’s apartment were pretty peaceful and at one point Sungyeol felt so contained to have them. They ate together, watched TV together, slept together. Their hands clasped tight in each other and it was Myungsoo who embraced Sungyeol first in his sleep. He always nuzzled his head into the brunette’s neck, sometimes it felt very tickling but at the same time so nice, and for once Sungyeol was able to giggle happily like he used to in the past. Sungyeol didn’t know how to cook so Myungsoo cooked for them, his skills weren’t that great at all but the brunette still savored the foods with all his heart. He still teased the other though, and Myungsoo would always pretend like he was really offended at the remarks.
But life wasn’t always going smoothly like that, because one second you thought you were fine, and then in the next moment you wouldn’t be anymore.
“Excuse me?”
Sungyeol asked incredulously as he answered his phone, and though standing from behind Myungsoo could still notice that his shoulders were tensing up, before starting to shake uncontrollably. Quickly running to the man’s side, he circled him in his arms and tried to comfort the other by rubbing his back. Sungyeol didn’t seem to relax though, only shaking more and eventually he dropped his phone to the ground. If it wasn’t for Myungsoo’s support then it was no doubt that the brunette couldn’t be able to stand on his own feet.
“What’s wrong hyung?”
The other tilted his head to look at the younger, lips trembled violently as the words stumbled out:
“Woo-Woohyun had an ac-acident. He tried to-to find me and met a truck an-and…”
He couldn’t continue anymore and Myungsoo thought his face was mirroring Sungyeol’s now because it felt like all blood had been drained out from it.
“I will take you to the hospital now.”
The younger stood up even without himself aware, since the legs didn’t feel like they belonged to him anymore. Sungyeol still sat on the floor, leaking with silent tears and a mantra of “it’s my fault my fault” tumbled out from his mouth.
“He’s fine now, having suffered successfully from the operation. But there’s one problem though.” The doctor trailed off while eying them worriedly. Sungyeol still hadn’t looked up since the moment they arrived at the hospital, insisting of staring at his hands whose knuckles were turning white from clenching too tight.
“His arms are paralyzed now.”
“Both… of his arms…?”
Myungsoo asked back, feeling his throat turn dry at the shocking news. The old doctor only nodded his head in response, face showed emotion of sorry to announce the fact to them.
“The accident damaged his spinal cord and the injuries are pretty severe, it leads to permanent paralysis. Since there is no way to treat the dead tissue of the spinal cord, there is no way to heal.”
The younger boy collapsed onto the chair behind him as they were left alone again, his energy was all drained out now and he wished he was only in a nightmare.
But this was too painful to be one.
Woohyun was a photographer, his dream was to hold the camera and travel around the world and take pictures.
How could he live if he knew he would never be able to use his arms again?
Sungyeol still kept silent while staring at Woohyun’s unconscious body through the glass window. His eyes were hollow and unmoving and he stared at his boyfriend unblinkingly, as if to drink every detail into his mind. The dark-hared boy wished he could reach out to cover his eyes, or at least hold him. But they weren’t the same anymore. Dead silence enveloped them in a suffocated hug, only their heavy breathing could be heard and Myungsoo’s sense told him that something was coming, only sooner or later.
“Myungsoo ah-”
The older croaked out eventually, his eyes creamed lifelessness and the younger’s instinct kicked in, telling him to cover his ears or do something to drain out the up-coming cruel words the other was about to tell him. Happiness was tiny, you had a taste of it and some others tasted none. It was a matter of fact that when someone could feel happy, someone out there would feel miserable, there was no such thing called perfection or equality to everybody. To have this, you need to fight, or else you would lose. Myungsoo didn’t want to let go, he had just had a mere taste and it wasn’t fair at all. But life was always not fair and between the desire to save his world and the sake of his Sungyeol, he knew he had to let go.
He just never thought it would come this soon.
“Let me take you home hyung.”
“…”
“I know hyung. I know. Only this time, please.”
“Sungyeol ah.”
“Hm?”
He hummed in reply, head still laid helplessly on Myungsoo’s shoulder. It should have caused pain but Myungsoo couldn’t care less. They walked slowly down the street and snow was falling sparsely, getting caught in their coats and hairs. Myungsoo wondered whether the cold substance managed to cover their hairs to turn them into white, and he wished he had his camera there, because he would picture this moment and pretend like that was how things would turn out when they got old, hairs like snow. Ten years or thirty years or even longer than that, Myungsoo believed that he would still want to carry the brunette and only him on his back, coming back to their shared home.
Myungsoo now was carrying him but they didn’t go to their shared home. They were going back to Sungyeol’s apartment. The fact was like a claw, tucking hard at his heartstrings and he swallowed hard the thickness in his throat.
Don’t cry.
It hurt but he had to end his addiction here, because caffeine in the end wasn’t his at all. It had never been his.
“Sungyeol ah, few days ago I have this dream. In that dream we went to high school together, I myself with the dream of being an author while you tried to apply for a law school.”
His voice got strained again and the lump was too hard to ignore now. His eyes stung so badly, he just wished he could wipe them clean so they would hurt less.
“I had thought it was the signal that we would be together in this reality. And I was really happy you know. But now I know I was wrong.”
“And this sounds silly, but I hope that it is another life we would be having. Because I would never let you go if we met again, only not in this world. I know I sound like a coward, but you would still leave me sooner or later. You would never leave Woohyun even when there was me here ready to die for you.”
A pair of cold hands covered his eyes and his tears dropped on them as the result, and Myungsoo stopped walking as he cried his heart out. Behind him, Sungyeol leaned on his ear and whispered:
“Let me climb down.”
The hands holding Sungyeol’s legs were removed and the said boy slowly climbed down from his back. Still managing to cover Myungsoo’s eyes with one hand, he used the other to hold Myungsoo’s. His cold skin burnt with the other’s warmth and Sungyeol knew he would miss it a lot.
“Come back to college Myungsoo. I know it’s hard to get by but you just have to, for your future.”
One step forward.
“Sungjong might be too sassy to handle but he cares for you a lot, so treat him nicely as a big hyung ‘kay?”
One more step.
“I can not tell you to pursuit your dream as a photographer, but don’t give up on it please.”
“The scar on your wrist, please let it fade away ‘kay? Don’t ever look back at it anymore.”
“Remember, when you met someone, fling immediately if that person has a boyfriend.”
“And remember, I have never ever wanted you to be the second choice in my life.”
And with that the hand covered Myungsoo’s eyes was removed, the cold enveloping his hand disappeared. The boy watched as the brunette ran into the building before him.
That was the last time they ever met.
***
“Sungyeol ah.”
The brunette startled as he turned to look at Woohyun, who was sitting on a wheelchair, hands folding neatly on his lap. The sun of spring shone brightly on them, and Sungyeol carefully placed a cap on the older’s head to cover him.
It had been two years already.
“Do you want to continue strolling?”
Sungyeol asked, already standing up to reach for the push handle. Woohyun shook his head lightly as he gestured for his hands instead, and the younger immediately dropped his to wrap them.
“Thanks a lot for not leaving me Yeol. I love you.”
“So do I.”
At that moment, both men were sitting together but each was carried away with his own thought. And sometimes, things should be kept as a secret, buried deep down the ground and never revealed, like the piles of photos Woohyun had taken of Sungyeol with that certain boy whenever they were together.
Because curiosity killed the cat and everyone was tired of getting hurt.
To Sungyeol, his life was full of lies, every new day was a new lie and at one point the brunette only knew he was Woohyun’s husband, nothing more nothing less.
Only sometimes, his mind would drift back to the faint image of someone else whom he would never had a chance to say that he loved him.
To Woohyun, if sacrificing his dream was meant to have his world back then it's okay. A not so accidental accident and a pair of paralyzed arms, everything didn’t matter if Sungyeol came back to him.
Because he was an addict and Sungyeol was his caffeine.
END.
Pairing: Myungsoo/Sungyeol, Woohyun/Sungyeol.
Rating: R
Warning: Nothing much unless I really decide to change my ending in last minute.
Genre: Romance, Angst.
WC: 9,928
“Cause Ur like caffeine, 난 밤새 잠 못 들고
심장은 계속 뛰고 그러다가 또 니가 너무 밉고
Like caffeine 멀리하려고 해도
잊어보려고 해도 그럴 수가 어쩔 수가 없잖아”
Cause you’re like caffeine, I can’t fall asleep all night
My heart keeps racing and again, I hate you
Like caffeine, I try to stay away
I try to forget about you but I can’t do it, I can’t help it
Caffeine:
“You’re leaving?”
For a mere second, Sungyeol stopped buttoning up his shirt and stared at the reflection of a boy burying deeply under layers of blanket and cover behind his back. There was only a small handful of jet black hair appeared and usually the older would find the sight so endearing, so cute and he would not hesitate at all to come closer and pet the younger, maybe even coo sweet nothings to the younger and watch in fascination as the tips of his ears turned red. And then that certain boy would whine at him and Sungyeol would snort at the sight, finding it incomprehensible that such boy was the one who had just fucked him senselessly and now he was the one acting so cutely that it actually hurt.
But maybe now wasn’t an appropriate time for that scenario. Sungyeol sighed as he limped back to the boy; the bed gave out a small creak at the additional weight as the brunette crawled onto it, sitting face-to-blanket.
“Soo ah.”
“Shhh, I’m trying to sleep here.”
“Oh really?”
Sungyeol only rolled eyes in response. With only one flip he removed the blanket Myungsoo was hiding behind. The dark-haired boy looked like a deer caught in headlight, but quickly pulled back his blanket and grunted out a “don’t” in annoyance.
“I thought we have done discussing this already?”
“And I thought I have told you I was trying to sleep?”
“Don’t act like a brat Kim Myungsoo.”
“You should probably go home now hyung, he is waiting for you.”
Sungyeol couldn’t help but wince at Myungsoo’s voice, because it not only was dripping with poison but also reminded him of something, or actually someone he almost forgot. Next to the brunette, the younger had turned his back and curled up into a small ball, hands clutching tightly at his blanket. It was as clear as daylight that Myungsoo refused to continue the so-called fight they had just started.
“Fine.”
Sungyeol stood up abruptly, ignoring the pain on his lower back as he did so. Pulling back his winter coat and slipping on his shoes, the brunette left the younger’s apartment, not forgetting to slam the door hard behind him. Without noticing, a scowl made its way on his face and only after passing by a shop did he realized it through his reflection on the glassy window. The brunette tried to soften his facial muscles, not wanting to deal with another possible tantrum when he came home with that sulking face.
He just didn’t have time for those timid stuffs.
A couple passed by, holding hands happily and for a mere second the brunette thought about Myungsoo, about his calloused but warm palms, and about his disgruntled face when Sungyeol said he had to leave.
And for a mere second, something clawed hard at his heart and Sungyeol just wanted to laugh humorlessly.
Seriously, what would his boyfriend think if he knew?
The way to his apartment seemed heavier, harder than usual. Sungyeol wondered as he stood inside the elevator leading to the fifteenth floor, alone. The tingling sensation from his last intercourse with Myungsoo had faded away, thanks to the fight, and maybe even the cold weather out there. Sungyeol couldn’t help but feel a bit lost at the realization.
Though, he didn’t have much time to drowning himself with the feel, because in the next minute, he was standing right in front of his shared apartment already. Taking a deep breath and preparing for a calm face, Sungyeol punched his code numbers in and twisted open the doorknob. He needed to remember that there was someone out there who happened to be his boyfriend.
Who happened to be not Kim Myungsoo
“Hi babe.”
Woohyun appeared at the doorstep almost immediately, wearing a silly grin on his handsome face and Sungyeol only smiled lightly at him in response.
“How’s work today? And how’s the party? It’s nice that you don’t smell like alcohol.”
Woohyun asked, helping him remove his coat. For some reasons Sungyeol wondered whether the older could smell Myungsoo’s faint cologne on it, wondered about his reactions if he ever did notice.
Would he be mad?
Like, really really really mad to blow something?
“As shitty as usual. What would you expect more from Howon?” Eventually the brunette settled down for a safe answer “What’s for dinner? Did you save anything for me?”
His boyfriend turned back to answer him, something about tuna and salad and pumpkin soup, but all faded into the background as Sungyeol felt his phone in pant pocket vibrated, indicating for a new message.
“I’m sorry, okay? Forgive me hyung.”
The number was nameless, but needless to say, it’s Myungsoo. Sungyeol just never saved his number. It was an unspoken rule in that kind of game already; you don’t save your secret affair’s number under any circumstance.
He read that message later at night, when Woohyun was sleeping soundly next to him and he was lying on their shared bed, supposedly cuddling up with said boyfriend.
Sungyeol didn’t reply, as a punishment for Myungsoo and also for himself.
***
Lee Sungyeol, 25 years old, secretary in an insurance company, having a somewhat famous photographer as a boyfriend.
That’s how his life supposed to be.
***
A few days later, after seeing his boyfriend off at the airport, Sungyeol came back to his empty apartment. On the way home, the brunette called Myungsoo. They still hadn’t talked to each other since their last encounter, mainly because Sungyeol was afraid to stir Woohyun’s suspicion. Or maybe he just needed time to reconsider something.
Woohyun didn’t show any sign of recognition. He still smiled at the brunette his usual eye smiles, he still cooked him his dinner, sometimes even his lunch when the older wasn’t too busy in his dark room.
He still made love to Sungyeol without knowing that there’s someone else’s trace imprinted on his skin.
When was the last time they had that kind of fight a couple usually would have?
Sometimes Sungyeol couldn’t help but wonder whether Woohyun was really that dumb. Sometimes Sungyeol couldn’t help but wonder he was really his boyfriend.
“Are you home?”
Sungyeol heard the sound of rustling, probably Myungsoo was still sleeping. It was only 8 in a Sunday morning and the younger didn’t have any shift today.
“You plan to drop by, hyung?”
“No, I’m wondering if you want to come over my place.”
There was a silence of hesitation lingering around the air before Myungsoo breathed out a light “yes” and hanged up. Sungyeol sent him a text of his address, and then switched off his phone as well. Myungsoo had never been to his apartment before. It was easier to meet at the dark-haired boy’s since he lived alone. But with the absence for about a week of Woohyun, Sungyeol thought “why not?” Myungsoo didn’t point out loud but the older knew he was dead curious to see his place. He might or might not slip out sometimes, that he wanted to know Sungyeol’s state of living, his house interior, his bedroom. Myungsoo wanted to know everything about where he was living under and the brunette just found it so cute that he made a mental note to invite the younger over when the right time came. He could clean up later to hide any trace, it was not like he didn’t have time. Woohyun wasn’t at home now.
Guilt stirred at the pit of his stomach as he thought of his own boyfriend, who was travelling to another country to attend another exhibition. But it subsided quickly like how it appeared, as Sungyeol mentally drew Myungsoo’s features in his mind.
It took the younger about one hour before he appeared at Sungyeol’s door step, clothes neat and casual. The dark hair boy fidgeted a bit uncomfortably standing at his living room, looking around in curiosity and taking note of any single furniture, before dropping his gaze to a picture on the mantelpiece.
“It’s him, right?”
Myungsoo asked while reaching his hand out to take the photo. The boy stared at it intently and Sungyeol really wanted to know if he was looking the younger version of Sungyeol two years ago, or he was watching a younger version of Woohyun and evaluating him. And there was even a possibility that the younger boy was looking at the couple and evaluating them. It’s hard to know since he was sitting at the couch preparing their coffee, and Myungsoo was turning his back toward him.
“It was taken when we were undergraduates in college.”
“You looked young here.”
“And I’m old now?”
The other only chuckled in response as he placed the photo back to its old place. He turned around to look at Sungyeol and somehow the older thought he looked so lost, so out of place. Maybe it was because Myungsoo who happened to be the third, yet invisible person in their relationship was standing there, in this apartment which was designed for Sungyeol and Woohyun to live.
His fingers were playing with the hem of his faded sweater and Sungyeol made a mental note to buy a new one for him later.
“Hey, come here.”
He called and Myungsoo obediently came closer, eventually sat down next to him on the couch. Shyly, the boy moved to hold Sungyeol’s hand in his, their fingers interlaced and the older started leaning onto his touch. He felt Myungsoo sniffed lightly at his hair, probably to inhale the scent of his shampoo. Another endearing the younger boy had around him and the brunette couldn’t help but admit that he loved it. His fingers traced random patents on his skin and actually gave him goose bumps.
“When will he come back?”
“Next Sunday, he told me so.”
“So I guess we shouldn’t consume our time anymore, hm?”
“We have one week ahead, no need to rush.”
“Since I met you, there’s no place for hesitation hyung.”
Myungsoo muttered as he leaned down to capture Sungyeol’s lips in a languid kiss. The angle was a bit weird as the older had to crane his neck, but Sungyeol couldn’t care less as he started kissing back, feeling adrenaline rushed to every corner of his body, from his head to the tip of his toes. Myungsoo’s kisses always had that kind of effect toward his body, and the brunette felt like he was addicted to them already. He was addicted to the feel of chap lips against his own soft ones (Woohyun hated it when he didn’t apply lip balm), the way they moved smoothly together and especially the taste of Myungsoo mouth. A bit bitter and a bit sweet, here and there, just like coffee.
Another Sungyeol’s addiction about Myungsoo was his touches, too. The older gave out a silent moan as Myungsoo’s hand traveled under his polo shirt, exploring every bit of white skin. His finger tips grazed lightly at some small scars on his abdomen and for a mere second, among the flows of lust and desire Sungyeol remembered back to their first time when Myungsoo had kissed each of them and muttered out how perfect Sungyeol looked.
“Bedroom please.”
Sungyeol mewled as they parted and the younger looked down at him with those dark eyes. There was no trace of shy, innocent, blushing Myungsoo but only the existence of this dominant Myungsoo, who was looking like he was about to devour every pieces of him. The older couldn’t help but shiver, wondering how someone could change that much within a few minutes.
He didn’t have time to think more though, as Myungsoo scooped him up in his arms and left for the bedroom.
***
Sometimes when Woohyun wasn’t around and Myungsoo was asleep and there was no work, no rush, only silence, Sungyeol paid a small visit to the old days, to the first time when he met the younger boy. There was that branch of Starbucks at the corner of the street where his office resided, and when Myungsoo started working there half year ago, Sungyeol had already been a frequent customer for a while. At first he thought the 21-year-old was only there for a part time job, but as time passed, along with the growing times of Myungsoo serving him, their conversations bloomed and Sungyeol learnt that the other was a college dropout. Before that he was an engineering sophomore. Everyone had different patches in life and there was no way Sungyeol would press on more, nor did he judge the younger for abandoning his study.
Once in a while, being boyfriend of a photographer was a bit lonely, especially when you had a formal job with tight schedule. Sungyeol had come to adapt to that since he dated Woohyun and then graduated from college. Woohyun had a flexible timetable, which allowed him to stay home whenever he wanted, but Sungyeol’s days were mostly at the office so they only met in evening. Not to mention the older always travelled around to take new photos, to find his inspiration and sometimes simply to attend an event he was invited over. Which meant it left only Sungyeol in their shared apartment and sometimes the loneliness just hit him too hard to handle.
Look, it wasn’t like he was trying to defend for the fact that he was cheating behind Woohyun’s back. He just wanted to make it clear that he had always been a loyal boyfriend before he met Myungsoo, even when his boyfriend had to go to London or Paris or NY for a whole month and they could only talk through Skype. The point was that, he still felt lonely even when his boyfriend was around and they were staying under the same roof. And Myungsoo looked lonely, too, staying by himself in a small apartment of his. Somehow they fitted together and things happened just because. Myungsoo needed someone to share in life while Sungyeol needed someone to fulfill the emptiness deep inside his heart without breaking up with his boyfriend. Woohyun loved him dearly and he also still loved him, whether it was only a habit or not.
“I have a boyfriend already.”
Sungyeol told him when both pulled apart after a long kiss on that fateful night three months ago. They were standing outside Myungsoo’s apartment block and the older tried to look away by keeping his head down, fearing of seeing any negative emotion in the younger’s eyes. Myungsoo probably thought he was an unworthy cheater now, and the brunette couldn’t blame him if he really did so. A part of Sungyeol’s heart felt regretted for having confessed the truth, but he wasn’t feeling a bit regretted at all for having kissed that certain boy. It was like a fantasy finally could be fulfilled.
He felt guilty though, thinking back about his boyfriend who was in Beijing at that time. It was almost ironic because he was the one having initiated this, anything between them, and then at that very moment he suddenly remembered about the existence of Woohyun in his life.
Warm fingers pressed gently against his skin to lift his chin up, and Sungyeol was pulled to face to face level with Myungsoo.
“It’s okay. I knew.”
He knew.
The guilt only bubbled more and Sungyeol swallowed down hard the lump constricting his throat. Maybe turning back was a right choice before it was too late, he couldn’t help but wonder.
But it had been too late already even before he knew it.
***
Woohyun came home a bit sooner than Sungyeol had expected, around Friday night and the brunette felt relieved that he had changed their bed sheet, done the laundry and washed the dishes. He secretly texted Myungsoo to stop coming by with his cell phone under blanket while Woohyun was changing his clothes, pacing back and forth around their shared bedroom gushing about the exhibitions. The brunette dropped some random comments here and there to make sure he sounded like he really cared, before standing up to head for the kitchen and heat up dinner for his boyfriend.
“I miss you a lot.”
Woohyun muttered as he caught Sungyeol in a tight hug when the younger passed by.
“I had tried to finish everything earlier so I could come home sooner. It’s hard not to be able to see you everyday.”
His lips moved to place butterfly kisses on his nape and usually Sungyeol would giggle at the tickling sensation. But now the sound died at the tip of his tongue, because all he thought of was Myungsoo and how he had touched him just a few hours ago.
“So do I, hyung. I miss you.”
He managed to croak out eventually, still standing there and letting Woohyun hold him.
They made love that night, but that time Sungyeol no longer felt the spark he usually felt whenever being intimate with Woohyun. He was quiet for most of the time, and thinking back again, the brunette had never been vocal at all, which Sungyeol felt so thankful for since he didn’t have to explain anything. Woohyun tried to keep eye contact with him constantly, and at one point Sungyeol had a feeling that he had just seen a flash of hurt deep inside the older’s brown orbs. But it quickly vanished into the thin air as Woohyun held him tight in his arms with every thrust, murmuring his name and a string of “I love you”s into Sungyeol’s ear. It was like a mantra and the brunette’s chest burst out with a mixed type of emotions, so intense and overwhelming that tears started to stream down his cheeks. Sungyeol wanted to wipe them away, but he felt so weak, so helpless that he let them fall freely. The younger would like Woohyun to think that it was because of their intercourse that he cried.
And it would be better that way.
Woohyun had a habit of cuddling up with Sungyeol as they were done and Sungyeol couldn’t help but feel a bit lost, since Myungsoo had a different habit of cleaning Sungyeol first before going to bed with him. The youngest knew he was uncomfortable sleeping with skin still covered with sweat and come, so despite his own drowsy state, Myungsoo still got up and cleaned him with a prepared towel. Then before they fell asleep together, which was a rare occasion since Sungyeol usually left immediately, Myungsoo would reach for his hands and hold them tightly in an act of warming them up. Unlike Woohyun and Myungsoo who had warm hands, Sungyeol had a pair of very cold hands regardless of the weather and when he was young, the brunette had a habit of sticking his icy hands to his mother’s neck to tease her.
“I once read from a book that a person who had cold hands is also a very kind-hearted man.”
Myungsoo grinned sleepily at him as he sad so, his fingers intertwined with Sungyeol’s. The older had never had a sudden urge to kiss him breathlessly like at that moment.
***
If there was any mutuality between Myungsoo and Woohyun, it might be their love for photography. But while the older was a professional in the field, Myungsoo only took photos because he liked it, or actually because he couldn’t manage to become a major. There were many fishes out there while Myungsoo still needed to earn his living.
“It’s like writing a diary, you know. But instead of using pen and paper, I’m using my lens to capture things in my life, to never forget them.”
And those “things” also included of Sungyeol.
Again, there were still differences even in their mutual love of taking photos. It wasn’t like Woohyun had never taken pictures of Sungyeol, in fact he had been model for many of his shoots. But every time like that, he had to make up carefully and posed for any theme Woohyun preferred. The older was a perfection seeker and he would never create imperfection.
On the other hand, Myungsoo took pictures of Sungyeol everywhere, every time he liked. He took thousands photos of sleeping Sungyeol, eating Sungyeol, sulking Sungyeol, and even recorded their morning after when the brunette managed successfully for a sleepover.
“Say hi~”
The younger grinned as he aimed the lens down at Sungyeol’s sleepy face. The brunette tried to swat the camera away as he ducked to hide under the blanket they were sharing, squeaking a little as he did so.
“Stop filming Soo!”
“Why?”
He retorted playfully and Sungyeol didn’t need to see to know that the other was still directing his camera at him.
“I haven’t washed my face.”
He haven’t washed his face or brushed his teeth, there were pimples on his forehead and his hair looked like a bird nest. What’s interesting for Myungsoo to film him anyway? He looked messy.
“But you look cute.”
Myungsoo sounded sincere and Sungyeol’s heart melted slowly at the words. He let his shield fall as Myungsoo pulled the blanket away from his face. And there that certain young boy sat in front of him, holding a camera while smiling brightly at Sungyeol’s. He moved closer to the brunette and pressed a chaste kiss on his cheek, not forgetting to film that part as well.
“Good morning sunshine.”
He whispered.
“What are you thinking dear?”
Sungyeol was snapped out from his train of thought and the boy blinked twice, thrice, before turning his head to stare at Woohyun. He was still holding his boyfriend’s latest works, a series of photos taken for a next month’s exhibition held in Busan.
“Look, aren’t you pretty?”
He asked, staring almost proudly at the first photo and Sungyeol shifted eyes to stare at himself in the paper. A Sungyeol wearing thick eyeliner, lips stained with red and skin heavy with powder. He was wearing a black leather jacket, something he really hated and not his style at all.
“This photo is so gorgeous dear.”
Woohyun kissed his cheek and Sungyeol felt something inside him just died.
***
From: xxx-xxxxxxx
“Hey can u drop by later? I have pop corn n good movie.”
To: xxx-xxxxxxx
“You do know that my boyfriend is back, right?”
From: xxx-xxxxxxx
“So what?”
Sungyeol chuckled slightly at the bratty text. He swore he even saw Myungsoo’s pout and his poor attempt to be stubborn, which is kind of cute since Myungsoo hardly acted cutely. He was only being a brat when he wanted something or felt frustrated about. Sungyeol tapped his chin while trying to figure out what the main deal was. It was not like they had not met each other recently. In fact during those days Sungyeol had lied to Woohyun and ditched dinners for some “extra working hours”. He was acting like a bastard, Sungyeol was fully aware of it, but he just couldn’t keep calm with the fact that there was something bothering his feel when it came to their relationship, and he needed someone to console him, to keep him sane. Myungsoo seemed to be a perfect choice, though he was the one who had affected Sungyeol’s peaceful love life. So those time were all spent with Myungsoo, but confined in his apartment since Sungyeol had a fear of getting caught (he still had a mind to keep his affair a secret, thank you). The brunette even asked his friend, and also colleague, Howon to cover his ass. The latter had shot him dirty looks like he actually knew and the taller had to keep his face calm from heating up in embarrassment.
Nevertheless, Howon still lied for Sungyeol. He just felt so thankful for that.
Something certainly had pissed Myungsoo off at work. Sungyeol had an urge to pet the younger and ask him what was wrong, and so he wasn’t hesitant at all to wipe out his phone and send Woohyun another apologetic text.
From: Sungyeol
“I have a meeting and a buffet supper to attend today, don’t wait for me okay?”
To: Sungyeol
“That’s too bad. Okay dear, don’t overwork yourself ‘kay? I love you.”
Sungyeol bit his lips as his phone screen brightened up with Woohyun’s text, but quickly push it away as he stood up and collected his belongings. In the next booth, Howon craned his neck to look at the taller man; he was also about to go home at that point. The brunette turned to glance at his friend and mouthed the words “cover for me if he calls”, which earned him an eye-roll in response. The brunette only shrugged it off and took his bag along, when Howon called his name again.
“Huh?”
The brunette widened his eyes in question. The shorter man seemed to contemplate for a bit, before dismissing him with a wave and a snicker. Sungyeol didn’t care much, taking it as his friend’s unique way of saying goodbye. Howon was always like that.
By the time Sungyeol came home, it was almost midnight. The lights were all off, except for a thin sheen coming through a gape from their bedroom door. Woohyun was probably asleep then, which was kind of strange since he was being nocturnal, claiming to have a new set of work to be done. Sungyeol put his shoes down as quietly as possible, leaving behind his bag on the couch before making a beeline toward their bedroom.
Woohyun was sleeping soundly on their bed. Sungyeol stopped to watch the light from the nightstand illuminated his profile for a bit, then quickly changing into his pajamas. He was half way putting his left arm in when the sight of a bottle caught his attention, and Sungyeol conveniently took it with his free right hand. Squinting hard, the brunette tried to read the label in the poorly lit room.
That was a bottle of sedative.
A shudder ran through his body and he almost snapped his neck to look at Woohyun. The other was still sleeping peacefully, breath calmed and Sungyeol let out a sigh he didn’t know himself was holding.
The next morning, Sungyeol watched as Woohyun was making their breakfast. Only then did the taller take a thorough observation at his boyfriend and noticed that there were dark circles under his usually bright eyes. To be honest, the shorter looked a bit lifeless even from his behind. Guilt surged through Sungyeol and the brunette sighed, feeling his throat strained all of a sudden.
“Hyung ah.”
He called out softly. His boyfriend hummed in acknowledgment, turning back to give him a smile. It didn’t reach his eyes as it usually did, and Sungyeol felt like crying.
“Wait for me a bit ‘kay? I’m almost done.”
Biting his lips hard, Sungyeol moved to stand behind Woohyun and circled his lanky arms around the other man in an attempt for a back hug.
“You’re really tired right? I’m sorry, I will try to come home sooner.”
“It’s okay Yeol ah. I’m an understanding husband ‘kay? A husband needs to support his own wife~”
Woohyun chuckled at his lame joke and usually Sungyeol would hit him for calling him his wife, but at that very moment the younger just didn’t have a heart to do so. The older man paused briefly, his hand find Sungyeol’s and gave it a tight squeeze.
“I love you a lot, do you know?”
The brunette bit his lip harder till it almost bled.
This was his life, how could he forget it that easily? This was his boyfriend who loved him dearly, how could he think of hiding away from him?
The brunette’s mind drifted back to that one occasion when he told Myungsoo that sometimes he felt so hurt because he didn’t intend to hurt Woohyun. No one wanted to get cheated by the person they loved, Sungyeol was Woohyun’s everything since they graduated and he didn’t have a right to do such things to the older. What would he do if he ever found out?
“No one wants to be cheated, surely. But do ever you think that nobody wants to be the second option? Whatever we are, we still get hurt hyung.”
Gosh, just what had he done?
***
Myungsoo sighed for the nth time of the day as he was done checking his phone. No new message, no phone call and the worst was no reply at all. Sungyeol suddenly vanished into the thin air by ignoring all his attempts of contacting, and at some points the younger even wondered whether the older had blocked his number. This was so irritating. Myungsoo just wanted to check the other, whether he was fine, whether he was eating properly, whether he remembered to wear warm clothes. The weather was becoming more and more chilly, the Christmas Eve was about to come in a few weeks. His lips curved up slightly at the thought about the holiday, but it didn’t radiate with any happiness and instead pure sorrow.
The bell at the front door jingled and Myungsoo straightened himself up for a greeting to his customer.
“Welcome to Starbucks! What can I get for you sir?”
His smile died down quickly though, because standing in the flesh before the young boy now was Nam Woohyun.
As in Nam Woohyun, Sungyeol’s boyfriend.
“I would like a Cake Batter Frappuccino, and change the almond syrup with hazelnut syrup please.”
“H-here or ca-carry-out?”
“Here. I’m waiting for someone actually.”
Woohyun smiled almost fondly at the end of his sentence. Myungsoo only nodded his head automatically; ducking his head to the side to avoid the older’s gaze. He reached for a cup and pulled out his pen:
“What is your name s-sir?”
“It’s Woohyun.”
The photographer stressed. Myungsoo almost cursed himself out loud as his hand was so shaking that he was afraid he couldn’t write legibly. Nevertheless, he still took a deep breath to calm his mind as he offered a strained smile at the other. It surprised himself that he wasn’t stuttering anymore, but his voice sounded like someone had just strangled him:
“It’s two bucks sir, and please wait at the table. We will bring you your drink when it’s done.”
“Okay, thank you.”
Woohyun paid for his drink before turning back to find a vacant seat. Another girl appeared on queue but the dark-haired boy’s mind was so like in a roller coaster that he couldn’t care less about her. Throwing a boney boy going by the name Sungjong to serve the customers, he himself tried to calm down a little as he was making Woohyun’s drink.
He needed to figure something, now.
It wasn’t like he had never prepared for something like that. He even had made many scenarios in which Woohyun would come to find him. And then they would involve in a bloody fight and Myungsoo knew for sure that he wasn’t a coward to let Woohyun win. He had to save his dignity and to gain Sungyeol back from the older boy; that was a point he had set clear in mind from the very first start. People could throw insults at him if things got unveiled, but Myungsoo couldn’t care less. If he really cared then he would never start anything of this.
Anyway, it was always easier being said than done. It gave Myungsoo a shock that Woohyun had come to find him all of a sudden, and the shocker was that instead of grabbing his collar to teach him a lesson, the older still had a mind to order something to drink. He even kept that calm facet, always smiley and friendly. It gave Myungsoo chill and the younger boy started wondering whether he was just imagining things. He was so nervous at that point, not because he was afraid that he could be fired at any moment for his stigma. He was more afraid for the question of whether Sungyeol was okay, whether they were okay after this.
Did Woohyun’s appearance today have anything to do with the fact that Sungyeol was avoiding him?
“Here’s your drink sir.”
Myungsoo announced politely while placing the Frappuccino cup neatly on Woohyun’s desk. The older gave him a smile in return, fingers played languidly with the straw and somehow Myungsoo felt like he was bored right into his face with the other’s stare. Up close, Woohyun looked more mature than in the photo Myungsoo had seen in his apartment, more subtle but there was this worn-out feel hanging around him. For a mere second Myungsoo wanted to ask whether Woohyun was okay, because he seemed to be not despite his calm acts.
“So you said you’re waiting for someone?”
He tried to initiate in a friendly tone. Myungsoo’s heartbeat increased at the possible answer, because wasn’t it too obvious? Who else Woohyun could wait for around here? The older tilted his head a bit and answered, voice still calmed and a bit bored:
“Yeah, I’m waiting for my boyfriend.”
Opposite him, the dark-haired boy tried to keep himself collected at the mention of a certain person. Reality was always hard like that, he understood. Sungyeol was Woohyun’s boyfriend and who was Myungsoo to complain? His breath hitched a little at the thought and the boy tried to mask his sudden mood change by turning somewhere else to dust off imaginary dirt. Myungsoo wanted to curl up somewhere, maybe in the storage room since hardly someone came there, and slept a bit. Then there was a possibility that he would forget about Woohyun, about his overfriendly smiles and his trip here. It just so hurt his heart, and not to mention his dignity.
“You look so pale, what’s wrong?”
Woohyun’s voice snapped him from his train of thought and Myungsoo blinked his eyes a few time to ease the sting.
“Thanks for your concern sir, but I’m fine.”
“You can sit here you know.” Woohyun patted the empty seat next to him, the one which wasn’t occupied with camera and envelope clutch bag. “I think your colleague will not mind.”
Sungjong was actually glaring daggers at Myungsoo at that moment, having had to serve all customers and he knew he should return to work soon, but then Woohyun gave him that look, the kind of look that made the word “no” seem so impossible. Thus the younger took his seat cautiously, hands clasped tight together as he sat at the same table with Woohyun.
“How old are you then? You look very young.”
“I’m 21 already.”
“So you’re four years younger than me and boyfriend. We are in the same age, meeting in college and all. Having been together for three years already.”
“Wow, that’s long.”
Myungsoo croaked out a reply in an attempt to sound impressed. But his stomach was churning with so much upset and hurt and annoyance, and he just wanted to throw up. Next to him Woohyun was still blabbering and the younger found it too hard to block out the sound of his obnoxious voice.
“He’s very tall and has nice body. He’s working for that insurance company across the street, but I think it would suit him more if he worked as my model. He’s appeared many times in my works.”
Oh please, he’s not your model. Myungsoo’s nails dug deeper onto his palm with the hope that the pain would help him to calm his state down.
“He likes coffee a lot too, but only the original type. I used to hate coffee a lot but now because of him I also drink them.”
“You know, it’s even a surprise to me how important he is in my life. He’s like caffeine, I get so addicted that I have no choice but submitting. I would forgive him for everything, even cheating, because in the end I believe I’m the only one he will choose to go home with.” Woohyun paused briefly. “I think I’ll propose to him soon, probably this Christmas Eve. One of my exhibitions is going to be held in Paris, and what can be romantic more than getting proposed at the most romantic city?”
Myungsoo's insides lurch as he tries to swallow the sudden thickness in his throat, thickness that signals the onset of tears. The wish to throw up and then curl up to somewhere no one could find him had never been that desirable, but somehow Myungsoo still found himself sitting there passively, boring hole to the table surface. Woohyun’s voice faintly reached his ears and it was almost impossible for the younger to comprehend what the other was saying, in that overwhelming state. Luckily he still managed to catch the last part.
“…Do you have any boyfriend?”
“I…” Myungsoo’s mind was so blank that he didn’t even know what he had said to answer Woohyun anymore. “I don’t know.”
“That’s a strange answer dude.”
Woohyun chuckled in that overfriendly way again, but that time Myungsoo couldn’t care less that time. He heard someone’s phone turned off, surely not his, and there was sound of talking. There were some rustling sounds after too, and the boy was snapped back to reality again when Woohyun’s hand poke his shoulder. Still in that dazed mind, he looked up to find the older about to go.
“I have to go now; my boyfriend is waiting for me outside his office. Thanks a lot for accompanying me dude. Have a nice day.”
“Hey wait.”
Myungsoo called just when Woohyun reached for the doorknob and was about to twist it. The older turned back to raise an eyebrow questioningly at him.
It took Myungsoo some seconds to finally mutter out, the words were timid and almost stuck up but definitely could be heard.
“Why?”
“I just want to share, friend.”
Woohyun stressed. There was that strange glint Myungsoo hadn’t noticed since the beginning flashed deep inside his eyes, and then Woohyun disappeared behind the closed door. Everything came back to its usual circle, some more customers came in and Sungjong was still serving them like nothing happened, and only Myungsoo stood there looking like a dumb. It was a surprise to even himself that he hadn’t emptied his stomach yet and managed to keep calm till the last minute.
He did end up running to the storage room and curl up himself there, though.
It had been a silent agreement between them that they didn’t talk about Sungyeol’s boyfriend while being together, and Myungsoo had never had a mind to wander off to think about who Woohyun actually was, except for being a famous photographer.
But at that very moment he was sitting in his apartment staring blankly at his laptop screen in which Woohyun’s face was smiling brightly. It was the latest interview he attended before starting his chain of exhibitions ranging from Korea to Canada, France and some states in USA. He sat passively, hardly comprehending what the emcee and Woohyun were talking about and instead taking notice in the way the other man shone with elegance, wealth and success. Then the boy looked back to his cheap apartment, to the plaid shirt he was wearing, to the too old sneakers at the room corner. Initially, everything hurt and Myungsoo buried himself deeper into the couch.
Why in the world some people had everything and some people had it hard to merely get by?
Myungsoo didn’t blame this fact on anyone, eventuall. It was his life and his responsibility.
***
Christmas came and while works seemed to get busier and busier, despite all the rush and merriness Myungsoo remained quiet all the time. He hardly talked to anyone, even sparing a glance to tease his co-worker Sungjong and usually the younger would feel grateful about that. But the reality only brought a permanent scowl to the teenager’s pretty face, and at one point he had to actually kick Myungsoo at his shin, just because.
“Stop sulking like that, you’re ruining the mood.”
“You two are ruining the mood together, just saying. And Sungjong, it’s “Myungsoo hyung” to you ‘kay?”
An older barista called Sunggyu muttered while passing by and Myungsoo could only sigh at the remark. Beside him Sungjong was hanging his head down like a kicked little puppy, but the sight quickly changed as he looked at the dark-haired boy again.
“Can you stop these depressing stuffs you’re having for a few days? This is holiday, stay merry.”
“You don’t understand Sungjong. But well, thanks for caring anyway.”
“It’s because we always stand together and your ugly sad face is distracting.”
For once Myungsoo actually reached out to pet his dongsaeng’s head like a real hyung he was, since their relationship always consisted of biting remarks and playful kicks or punches. Sungjong whined childishly about something like “ruining his hair style”, but Myungsoo’s mind didn’t concentrate on him anymore. His thoughts drifted off to that person again, and that time he wondered whether things could have changed if he had been stubborn enough to run after him. What would have happened if he confessed for once? Would Sungyeol reconsider and choose him instead of Woohyun?
However, what was their relationship actually? Wasn’t it obvious that Sungyeol had stated from the very beginning that he had a boyfriend, and that they were only there for each other whenever feeling so so so lonely that they needed someone to hold on them? Woohyun had everything Myungsoo couldn’t manage, he had known Sungyeol longer and he seemed sincere despite all the things happening back in the café two weeks ago. Woohyun had braced himself for any pain just to be with Sungyeol, and who Myungsoo was to compare?
But he still couldn’t feel less, if not more, hurt.
Myungsoo came back to his empty apartment that night, no Christmas tree, no big meal, no whatsoever to celebrate. It had been always like that for the past few years since the death of his family and Myungsoo had once thought he got used to it already, until a betrayal tear rolled down his cheek as he caught sight of Sungyeol’s photos the boy had pinned on the wall.
His addiction to the older had come to a point that he didn’t think he could control it anymore.
The boy frantically ran to the wall and pulled all the photos down. Some were ripped apart along the way, but his eyes were already so clouded that Myungsoo couldn’t see clear anymore. Fingers numbly removed them and at one point they were supposed to get hurt, since blunt fingernails were clawing at the material and there was tiny trail of blood on the flat surface. In his unclear state of mind, Myungsoo couldn’t make out whether or not he really did hit the wall with his hands. He only stopped after coming up to face a Sungyeol’s photo, his favorite one to be more exact. Myungsoo stared at the other’s bright smile in the picture, hand clasped tightly in his and before he knew it, he had already collapsed to the ground sobbing pathetically.
Please. Get out of my life please.
Myungsoo woke up few hours later, assuming that it was past mid-night already. It was Christmas, Woohyun had probably proposed to Sungyeol and the brunette would surely say “yes”. His mind ran around those thoughts while his legs tried to carry himself up. He walked to the bathroom to wash his bloody hands, Myungsoo didn’t even care to apply any ointment or bandage them up. He was supposed to get hungry because he hadn’t had anything since lunch, but the boy didn’t bother to eat anymore. He limped back to the tiny couch in his living room and laid down there, turning on the TV in the process. The screen flickered for a second before coming to life, showing Christmas celebration around the world. Everything came to a deaf silence to Myungsoo’s ears as he stared blankly at the device.
He just needed something to make noise there. It was so empty, so dead quiet that he was scared he would do something stupid again, just like some years ago. The faint scar at his wrist throbbed slightly at its mention; he tried hard to not look down at it.
Myungsoo woke up with the sound of fists thundering at his door. He wanted to ignore the irritating sound but then heard faint yells of his name outside, and his stomach lurched again because it sounded endearingly familiar. Still, it didn’t help the way his heart almost jumped at the sight of his unexpected guess as he opened the door.
Sungyeol stomped into his apartment like a tornado, carrying along chilly wind and somehow the feel of being scared. The brunette turned to look at Myungsoo with the usually glassy eyes he always wore whenever feeling frustrated and as much as the younger wanted to hug him and smooth down the crinkles between his brows, he still had his ego to maintain.
“What a pleasure to have you visit me this Christmas, sir.”
“Drop that sarcastic attitude somewhere Soo, I’m not in the mood for it now.”
“So you think someone you had thrown away would have a mood to serve you?”
Silence filled the whole room again, that time thicker than ever and Myungsoo felt like all of what called oxygen had been sucked dry from his lung. It’s so hard to breathe there, so suffocating and for a mere second he felt regretted for spilling those spiteful words at Sungyeol’s face. His face looked paler, thinner than last time they met, he seemed miserable and tired just like the first time Myungsoo saw him and the younger knew no matter how much the older hurt him he would never want to say those stuffs at that pretty face he had grown to love. Sungyeol’s fists clenched tight by his sides, Myungsoo knew very well that the man was only trying to look strong there, because his eyes were getting watered, breath quickened and Myungsoo knew he needed to be embraced soon to not break down.
“I’m sorry okay? I’m really sorry.”
Myungsoo came closer to give Sungyeol a hug and the brunette slumped down against him, trembling hands clutching tight at his sweater. His sobs muffled into the woolen material as he cried his eyes out.
“I-I ran away from him. H-he proposed to me in front of guesses coming to his exhibition and I just- I just fleeted away.”
It took a while to calm down a hysterical Sungyeol, but eventually Myungsoo was successful at least. The older was bundled up in piles of blankets, there were only a few sniffs occasionally slipping out and though the younger had told him to sleep a bit, the older still refused to do so.
***
Their relationship wasn’t all about sex, Sungyeol was so well aware about that. He was so well aware that it actually hurt, because if it was only sex then things would be so much easier. He wouldn’t feel that heavy when Myungsoo whispered something so sweet, so nice to him. He wouldn’t feel that hurt when Myungsoo pulled out that disgruntled expression when Sungyeol said he had to leave, though they both understood their situation. And maybe he would feel less like a betrayer when he thought about Woohyun, about their cold apartment and their loose relationship, and about the proposal.
Was it his fault that everything turned out that way?
Wasn’t it better if they broke up sooner?
But again, Sungyeol just didn’t have a gut to say that out loud. He was the one who cheated first. And Woohyun… Sungyeol just couldn’t leave. Woohyun’s parents had disowned him years ago, when he came out and chose Sungyeol over his own family. He might have friends, colleagues to be more precise, but their bonds only extended to the border of his profession, nothing more nothing less. They might be polite but Sungyeol knew better than that. None would care whether Woohyun was feeling fine or not.
The brunette pondered about that fact and his brain told him to break anything between him and Myungsoo. He couldn’t hurt Woohyun more, and either he wanted to hurt Myungsoo. Additionally, he didn’t want to hurt himself. Myungsoo might have had a steady relationship if he hadn’t started anything with the boy. Woohyun would still have him as a loyal lover, though their relationship might be distant from time to time due to work trips. It turned out to be an impossible act, though, because in the end no matter what happened, he still found one way or another to come back to Myungsoo. From a boy he took advantage of to feel less lonely, Myungsoo managed to steal a piece and left behind a big empty hole in his heart.
Sungyeol had assumed everything would return to its normal cycle if he tried hard enough to stop seeing Myungsoo, and if Woohyun ever proposed to him. He had waited for that day since their first anniversary together, knowing that it was only a matter of time because there was no way Woohyun would marry someone else. But the real deal was always harder than how he had imagined it to be, and all hell broke loose the moment Woohyun got on his knee showing him the velvet box.
In a split second before running away, Sungyeol realized that he couldn’t lie anymore.
Or so he thought.
***
Days in Myungsoo’s apartment were pretty peaceful and at one point Sungyeol felt so contained to have them. They ate together, watched TV together, slept together. Their hands clasped tight in each other and it was Myungsoo who embraced Sungyeol first in his sleep. He always nuzzled his head into the brunette’s neck, sometimes it felt very tickling but at the same time so nice, and for once Sungyeol was able to giggle happily like he used to in the past. Sungyeol didn’t know how to cook so Myungsoo cooked for them, his skills weren’t that great at all but the brunette still savored the foods with all his heart. He still teased the other though, and Myungsoo would always pretend like he was really offended at the remarks.
But life wasn’t always going smoothly like that, because one second you thought you were fine, and then in the next moment you wouldn’t be anymore.
“Excuse me?”
Sungyeol asked incredulously as he answered his phone, and though standing from behind Myungsoo could still notice that his shoulders were tensing up, before starting to shake uncontrollably. Quickly running to the man’s side, he circled him in his arms and tried to comfort the other by rubbing his back. Sungyeol didn’t seem to relax though, only shaking more and eventually he dropped his phone to the ground. If it wasn’t for Myungsoo’s support then it was no doubt that the brunette couldn’t be able to stand on his own feet.
“What’s wrong hyung?”
The other tilted his head to look at the younger, lips trembled violently as the words stumbled out:
“Woo-Woohyun had an ac-acident. He tried to-to find me and met a truck an-and…”
He couldn’t continue anymore and Myungsoo thought his face was mirroring Sungyeol’s now because it felt like all blood had been drained out from it.
“I will take you to the hospital now.”
The younger stood up even without himself aware, since the legs didn’t feel like they belonged to him anymore. Sungyeol still sat on the floor, leaking with silent tears and a mantra of “it’s my fault my fault” tumbled out from his mouth.
“He’s fine now, having suffered successfully from the operation. But there’s one problem though.” The doctor trailed off while eying them worriedly. Sungyeol still hadn’t looked up since the moment they arrived at the hospital, insisting of staring at his hands whose knuckles were turning white from clenching too tight.
“His arms are paralyzed now.”
“Both… of his arms…?”
Myungsoo asked back, feeling his throat turn dry at the shocking news. The old doctor only nodded his head in response, face showed emotion of sorry to announce the fact to them.
“The accident damaged his spinal cord and the injuries are pretty severe, it leads to permanent paralysis. Since there is no way to treat the dead tissue of the spinal cord, there is no way to heal.”
The younger boy collapsed onto the chair behind him as they were left alone again, his energy was all drained out now and he wished he was only in a nightmare.
But this was too painful to be one.
Woohyun was a photographer, his dream was to hold the camera and travel around the world and take pictures.
How could he live if he knew he would never be able to use his arms again?
Sungyeol still kept silent while staring at Woohyun’s unconscious body through the glass window. His eyes were hollow and unmoving and he stared at his boyfriend unblinkingly, as if to drink every detail into his mind. The dark-hared boy wished he could reach out to cover his eyes, or at least hold him. But they weren’t the same anymore. Dead silence enveloped them in a suffocated hug, only their heavy breathing could be heard and Myungsoo’s sense told him that something was coming, only sooner or later.
“Myungsoo ah-”
The older croaked out eventually, his eyes creamed lifelessness and the younger’s instinct kicked in, telling him to cover his ears or do something to drain out the up-coming cruel words the other was about to tell him. Happiness was tiny, you had a taste of it and some others tasted none. It was a matter of fact that when someone could feel happy, someone out there would feel miserable, there was no such thing called perfection or equality to everybody. To have this, you need to fight, or else you would lose. Myungsoo didn’t want to let go, he had just had a mere taste and it wasn’t fair at all. But life was always not fair and between the desire to save his world and the sake of his Sungyeol, he knew he had to let go.
He just never thought it would come this soon.
“Let me take you home hyung.”
“…”
“I know hyung. I know. Only this time, please.”
“Sungyeol ah.”
“Hm?”
He hummed in reply, head still laid helplessly on Myungsoo’s shoulder. It should have caused pain but Myungsoo couldn’t care less. They walked slowly down the street and snow was falling sparsely, getting caught in their coats and hairs. Myungsoo wondered whether the cold substance managed to cover their hairs to turn them into white, and he wished he had his camera there, because he would picture this moment and pretend like that was how things would turn out when they got old, hairs like snow. Ten years or thirty years or even longer than that, Myungsoo believed that he would still want to carry the brunette and only him on his back, coming back to their shared home.
Myungsoo now was carrying him but they didn’t go to their shared home. They were going back to Sungyeol’s apartment. The fact was like a claw, tucking hard at his heartstrings and he swallowed hard the thickness in his throat.
Don’t cry.
It hurt but he had to end his addiction here, because caffeine in the end wasn’t his at all. It had never been his.
“Sungyeol ah, few days ago I have this dream. In that dream we went to high school together, I myself with the dream of being an author while you tried to apply for a law school.”
His voice got strained again and the lump was too hard to ignore now. His eyes stung so badly, he just wished he could wipe them clean so they would hurt less.
“I had thought it was the signal that we would be together in this reality. And I was really happy you know. But now I know I was wrong.”
“And this sounds silly, but I hope that it is another life we would be having. Because I would never let you go if we met again, only not in this world. I know I sound like a coward, but you would still leave me sooner or later. You would never leave Woohyun even when there was me here ready to die for you.”
A pair of cold hands covered his eyes and his tears dropped on them as the result, and Myungsoo stopped walking as he cried his heart out. Behind him, Sungyeol leaned on his ear and whispered:
“Let me climb down.”
The hands holding Sungyeol’s legs were removed and the said boy slowly climbed down from his back. Still managing to cover Myungsoo’s eyes with one hand, he used the other to hold Myungsoo’s. His cold skin burnt with the other’s warmth and Sungyeol knew he would miss it a lot.
“Come back to college Myungsoo. I know it’s hard to get by but you just have to, for your future.”
One step forward.
“Sungjong might be too sassy to handle but he cares for you a lot, so treat him nicely as a big hyung ‘kay?”
One more step.
“I can not tell you to pursuit your dream as a photographer, but don’t give up on it please.”
“The scar on your wrist, please let it fade away ‘kay? Don’t ever look back at it anymore.”
“Remember, when you met someone, fling immediately if that person has a boyfriend.”
“And remember, I have never ever wanted you to be the second choice in my life.”
And with that the hand covered Myungsoo’s eyes was removed, the cold enveloping his hand disappeared. The boy watched as the brunette ran into the building before him.
That was the last time they ever met.
***
“Sungyeol ah.”
The brunette startled as he turned to look at Woohyun, who was sitting on a wheelchair, hands folding neatly on his lap. The sun of spring shone brightly on them, and Sungyeol carefully placed a cap on the older’s head to cover him.
It had been two years already.
“Do you want to continue strolling?”
Sungyeol asked, already standing up to reach for the push handle. Woohyun shook his head lightly as he gestured for his hands instead, and the younger immediately dropped his to wrap them.
“Thanks a lot for not leaving me Yeol. I love you.”
“So do I.”
At that moment, both men were sitting together but each was carried away with his own thought. And sometimes, things should be kept as a secret, buried deep down the ground and never revealed, like the piles of photos Woohyun had taken of Sungyeol with that certain boy whenever they were together.
Because curiosity killed the cat and everyone was tired of getting hurt.
To Sungyeol, his life was full of lies, every new day was a new lie and at one point the brunette only knew he was Woohyun’s husband, nothing more nothing less.
Only sometimes, his mind would drift back to the faint image of someone else whom he would never had a chance to say that he loved him.
To Woohyun, if sacrificing his dream was meant to have his world back then it's okay. A not so accidental accident and a pair of paralyzed arms, everything didn’t matter if Sungyeol came back to him.
Because he was an addict and Sungyeol was his caffeine.
END.