Parallel lines (aka "A boy without a heart") (JunSeung version) - Oneshot
Parallel lines | JunSeung | PG-13 (contains sexual reference) | romance, angst | 7,968 words.
A/n: the story is written based on Hyunseung’s disordered memories, from both the past and the present, so bear with me if the story’s messy and ugly. If there’s anything you feel confused about, just comment and ask me directly :3 Thank you
Parallel lines:
Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever really loved?
사랑, 남들은 너무 쉬워
하지만 내겐 지워지지 않는 문신 같아
<
But for me, it’s like an unerasable tattoo.>>
Whenever after having done it, Junhyung will always be the one to stand up and wear his clothes first. While Hyunseung will still just lie on the bed and pretend to keep his eyes shut.
And every time like that, Hyunseung can’t help but feel irritated.
It isn’t like the boy is the type of a cuddle person, nor he does want any kind of affections from Junhyung after the thing they have just done. He’s even far from it. Hyunseung knows clearly what he wants and what he thinks, in the most honest way. He’s clear and genuine and knows how to control his self.
However, it’s still hard for Hyunseung to make sense the feeling he has whenever seeing Junhyung turns his back toward him while trying to find his boxers in the dim room. He can’t understand the slightest, even when Junhyung has done with wearing all his clothes, and Hyunseung will still lies on the bed thinking over and over again. He can’t understand, even when Junhyung has already done his shoelaces and is standing in front of the entrance, twisting the doorknob.
He never and ever understands even when Junhyung has closed the door behind his back and leaves.
They are far from the words “lovers” after all, so Hyunseung finally concludes the fact that he doesn’t need to find his answer anymore. The brunette thinks before standing up immediately to have a shower and clean his room. It always smells like sex and so does he, and Hyunseung doesn’t like the idea a little bit. Even when just couple of hours before he’s the one moaning and being writhing mess under the other, begging for more.
But besides that disgusted feeling he needs to get rid of, the boy still find another scent of another person lingering on his skin. And that’s why he needs to take a shower as soon as possible.
***
Colorful canvases were spread to prevent the heat from the sun above and all of a sudden the dull face of the school’s yard was replaced by a refreshing one, you could tell the change if watching from the 4th floor of a building nearby. Students were busy building, decorating their tents or just simply finishing their hand-made wares, before the fair really started, creating crowds here and there. Myeongdong turned 50 that year and the fair was just one of the occasions to celebrate the birth of the gifted high school.
People were talking to each other joyfully, students from one booth came to another to introduce the goods they sold, the sensation of too many people gathering in a small place,… everything surely made a disaster to Hyunseung. The brunette couldn’t help but thought while vaguely playing with a bamboo stick picked up from somewhere. It wasn’t like he didn’t enjoy the fair, in fact to someone like Hyunseung, the fair was a great chance to skip class and have fun. It had been too long since the last time they had a proper break, after many examinations and projects. The problem here was just, well, there were also students from other schools nearby came to visit while his school was too small and the occasion gradually seemed to be messy and too annoyed, much to Hyunseung’s taste. So after all, from the person participating enthusiastically in the whole idea, the brunette decided to back off and just leave things for his classmates.
Hyunseung didn’t have anything for breakfast yet, and after having stood outside after, like 4 hours, without sitting did urge his stomach to yearn for some care. His tent, or actually his class’s tent, held theme about Korea’s traditions, so it wasn’t surprised much when they sold traditional foods. The boy would just need to sneak in and have some, but after debating for a while, Hyunseung decided to leave and go to another booth. Besides, he had already promised with Seunghyun to drop by and buy something for his class.
Hyunseung had never felt finding foods was hard like that day, after having some experiences from students of a class tried to pull him into their tent and have prophecy, while others nearly ripped his pants by keeping his leg to get his attention for their small bookshop. Not to mention the irritated look Seunghyun threw at him after knowing the price his class sold a hotdog for Hyunseung (“How much does it cost?” he asked. “3 dollars.” “What the fuck??? They forced me to buy it with 6 dollars!!!” Seunghyun cried and Hyunseung gave him a pathetic look). Anyway, after going around to feed his little stomach, Hyunseung stopped by a booth to buy some drink. While waiting for his mocha, he looked around and noticed that the booth wasn’t belonged to any class, indeed its owner was the photography club. He had never come to the club, let alone knowing anybody in it, so the brunette curiously took some steps forward to have a better view of some photos pinned on the wall. His eyes travelled down to the table nearby and it immediately laid on a thick book with the sight of Paris printed on the cover. Hyunseung carefully took the books and opened it with his slender fingers, feeling slightly disappointed as it was written in French while others were still continuously bumping against him to buy the models of Eiffel tower also placed on the table.
Hyunseung was at the page showing the inside of Louvre when he felt the existence of another person beside him. Maybe it was just someone passing by to have a look, he thought and turned to the next page.
“If you need any help, just ask me.”
Hyunseung looked up to find a boy around his age smirking lightly at him, a glint of interest flashed in a pair of dark eyes. Later that day he learnt that the other’s name was Junhyung, he was a member of the photography club and major in French.
Good, because Hyunseung was major in English.
***
“So, Junhyung?”
“Junhyung what?”
Hyunseung grunts while continuing with his concentration to the textbook, ignoring the grin’s plastered Doojoon’s face. The other doesn’t seem to be faltered with his seatmate’s attitude much, as he still keeps his stupid grin while shifting in his seat to have a better view of Hyunseung’s face:
“I just want to know, how are you guys doing?”
“None of your business.”
“Oh...”
Without tearing his gaze from the book, Hyunseung still knows that Doojoon has turned back to his usual position with a dismayed pout. The boy tends to say something to cover for his bitchy attitudes, but finally just mumbling something under his breath:
“Sometimes going out to have drinks, sometimes chattering a bit. That’s all. We’re good friends.”
Hyunseung says and all of a sudden wonders whether good friends have sex with each other for over a year.
Besides him the other boy hums lightly at the answer and he can’t help but give a small sigh. After all Doojoon is just his seatmate, there’s no need for Hyunseung to pour out all his heart about his own affairs to him.
He turns his head a bit and stares intensely at the table of the next row. Yoseob and Dongwoon are laughing their heads off, probably about some lame jokes Kikwang has just made.
“Recently I haven’t seen you go with Yoseob and Dongwoon.”
The sound of Doojoon’s voice faintly reaches Hyunseung’s ears and the brunette tears his gaze from the sight back to his neglected textbook.
“I still go home with them.”
He mutters and Doojoon asks nothing more.
***
The first time they did it, Hyunseung couldn’t tell if both of them were really drunk. He wasn’t, maybe. The boy actually hadn’t drunk much except for two glasses of soju, while Junhyung had already had some shots as their friends forced him. They were on their way celebrating the ending of the first year as university students until mid-night when all of their friends had come home and there were only two of them left behind (“Take him home for us.” Sunggyu said before going, leaving behind a dumbfounded Hyunseung and a half-drunk Junhyung).
Hyunseung didn’t remember clearly how it happened. How they left the club after paying the bill, how Junhyung pushed him back against the wall in a dark alley and kissed him with force, how they grinded their bodies together, how things were out of their handle, how they ended up in a cheap hotel stripping each other,… He couldn’t remember anything, but there were something for sure that a cheap hotel wasn’t in his list of appreciate places for having sex. And he wasn’t supposed to do those unappreciated things to one of his friends.
Hyunseung’s mind was clouded, but not because of the effect of alcohol. Maybe he felt his head spinning because of the sensation Junhyung gave him. He supposed that the other was too drunk to control his acts, but somehow between all the kisses and touches and thrusts, he couldn’t help but feel that Junhyung was sober.
Even more sober than him.
***
That afternoon, Hyunseung goes downtown to reach the National Library. As the boy passes by a small café, his eyes caught sight of a familiar frame through the glass windows of the shop. However, the other seems to be oblivious to his look, because he still smiles his charming smile with the other people sitting around his table.
Well, double date? Hyunseung thinks vaguely before tearing his eyes from the sight. Somehow his intention of going to the library and borrows some books about European cultures for Junhyung had vanished into the thin air.
(“She looks nice.”
Later Hyunseung says while they’re lying on bed, only a thin sheet covers their bodies. Junhyung turns his head a bit to look at Hyunseung, humming lightly:
“So?”
“You two should hook up and do something like this.”
“I will not do anything like this with her.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s not you.”
Junhyung answers and all of a sudden Hyunseung disgusts with himself.)
Seunghyun texts Hyunseung out of the blue on a rainy day. They haven’t met each other for nearly two years after graduating from high school and Hyunseung has never had the idea of talking with the other again. He even doubts whether Seunghyun still kept his phone number.
However, he actually did. And Hyunseung didn’t know if he should be grateful for that.
They beat about the bush for a while until Seunghyun texts:
“Today I saw you go to school.”
“I didn’t see you.”
“Of course, you were going with Junhyung.”
Hyunseung doesn’t even understand the slightest why people always say that he doesn’t see anything whenever Junhyung’s around. No, thanks but he isn’t like that. He does see, he just doesn’t say.
But this time he really doesn’t see.
“Are you jealous?”
“Nope. It’s certain that to you I can’t be as attractive as him >:))”
“Shut.Up _”__”
“Buy me the collection of Eminem :(( I gave mine to one of my friends.”
“If I loved you okay?”
“So you love me =))”
“Sorry but I love another person.”
“Who’s your victim? Not Junhyung, right? >:))”
Hyunseung’s taken aback slightly at the sudden question, but still decides to play along. After all it doesn’t hurt. At least now.
“What if it were him?”
“Nothing. I just think it will be one-sided. Because he’s for sure doesn’t like you.”
“So?”
“He likes another girl. Do you know?”
“I guess.”
“He studies in the same university with you and you know nothing?”
“It’s not like I don’t know. You’re the one saying crap here.”
“I’m more intelligent than you. Anyway, if I were you, I would never like Yong Junhyung.”
“Whatever. It’s not like we’re having affair.”
“I just say. Be careful.”
The last message surely does give Hyunseung a long sleepless night, even when he has already prepared for anything could happen.
***
“What the fuck is wrong with you???”
Hyunseung hissed as Yoseob shoved him back against the wall and the taller boy needed to bite back a cry of pain, both physically and mentally. Dongwoon standing motionlessly beside Yoseob was no help, even when he was the one Hyunseung always trusted and was believed to never leave him. But now the tallest boy just stood there and gave him a judging look, along with his already wet eyes.
“We should be the one asking you that question. What.Is.Wrong.With.You???”
What’s wrong with me? Hyunseung’s head was spinning at the question and all of a sudden he just wanted to throw up with all the disgusted feeling gathered from his guts about himself. His hand stretched out to reach for the wall behind his back as he tried to support his body for a proper standing position.
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry because I have always hanged out with Doojoon recently and neglected you.” And I’m sorry because I can’t keep you guys by my side, instead letting Kikwang replace my position in your hearts, and I’m sorry because I can’t make you understand me, because we’re best friends while we even can’t understand each other the slightest. Hyunseung wanted to shout all those thoughts at his friends, but his ego was too big for his own good and there’s no way Hyunseung admitted that he’s jealous and he was defeated. Kikwang was nothing to Hyunseung. How could he ever think of stealing his friends away from him? He would soon win Yoseob and Dongwoon back, because they were brothers and nothing could break that fact.
Nothing, unless it came from one of them.
“Shut up Jang Hyunseung! You know nothing.”
“Sorry but yes I know.”
He bit back and Dongwoon trailed off quietly behind Yoseob:
“You’re no longer the Jang Hyunseung we used to know.”
And you’re no longer the brothers I used to know.
“We know things can change easily and nothing’s forever, but Hyunseung, how can you become like this?”
“I’m still myself.”
“No you are not. You’re different now. I can’t tell exactly, but it’s the fact.”
Yoseob said, his voice was softened a bit as Dongwoon had placed a hand on his shoulder as an act of soothing.
“We’ve already told you to stay away from him.”
And I’ve told you already that I can’t leave him.
“Doojoon? Why? I think there’s nothing wrong with me hanging out with him.”
“You know clearly that we aren’t talking about Doojoon.”
Yes I know, and can you just shut up?
“He’s my friend.”
Hyunseung muttered under his breath. He heard a long sigh coming from Dongwoon.
“So you chose him instead of us.”
“There’s nothing to choose here Yoseob. You’re my friends and he’s also my friend, both are important to me equally. How can I say that I will leave one of you because of the other?”
The boy said, his voice cracked and a trail of tears unexpectedly fell down his cheeks. It’s so wrong. He wasn’t supposed to cry here, in front of his friends.
But somehow, between the disappointed feelings he had about himself and the reality, Hyunseung still expected that Dongwoon would walk to him and gave a warm hug, while Yoseob would coax him with all the soothing words, saying that everything would be alright soon and they would be the same like nothing had happened.
But his shoulders were cold and his friends were still standing opposite him, watching with stoic.
Even when it just took three steps to stand beside them, Hyunseung felt as if they were too far away for him to reach.
“He’s more important than us to you. You always talk about him and only him while we’re around. I know he’s attractive and intelligent and he’s known you longer than us. But can you just shut up? We’re really tired. It’s like even how hard we tried we still could never be as good as him.”
“No you’re wrong.”
“He’s a bastard and you still love him. It’s unfair to us.”
There’s no fair in this world.
“I don’t love him Yoseob. I really don’t.”
It was the truth. Hyunseung didn’t love him.
“He calls you and you immediately run to him. While there’s no such a thing like that when it comes to us.”
So what about all the Kikwang-thingy of you? He’s good, right? He follows you everywhere and you now even replace me by him. You never waited for me, but instead now waiting for him. You laugh with him instead of me… Is it called as betrayal?
“Can we just act as if nothing happened?”
Hyunseung said after a while of utter silence. His shoulders were shaking and tears still kept falling even when he had tried to hold back his sobs
“Nothing can be the same Hyunseung. Nothing.”
Somehow Hyunseung just wished Junhyung was here, even when he was the main cause of all those things.
However, Junhyung had never been there whenever Hyunseung needed him.
(Later that night Dongwoon called him, for the first time after 2 months. He said Yoseob had reconsidered and they would try again, if it could help their friendship. The next day Hyunseung came to sit in the same table with them at lunch time, but things were too awkward for his own good and Kikwang was annoyingly clingy to Yoseob. After 15 minutes Hyunseung decided to leave and nobody chased after him. Because nobody really cared.)
***
“You don’t need to cry because of them.”
Another long night filled with kisses and touches, and now Hyunseung’s lying next to Junhyung as if it were the most natural thing in this world. They met half-way home on a late autumn evening, and the frustrated look Hyunseung wore on his face was really something to care about. Or rather, Hyunseung doubts whether Junhyung really noticed and considered it as something serious. Maybe he just wanted to get rid of his own sexual frustration, and there couldn’t be any better occasion than this.
(“I will make you feel better.”
He whispered hotly against Hyunseung’s skin while trailing sloppy kisses down his torso and the brunette bit is lips till it bled. He should have shoved Junhyung off of his body, but he didn’t and couldn’t.)
“They’re my friends, I can’t. Besides, it’s my fault. They’re really good buddies.”
Hyunseung protected his 5-year friend from Yoseob and Dongwoon. And now he’s protecting them from Junhyung.
“They don’t seem to be fond of me much.”
They hate you.
“Every people have their own impression of others. Maybe they don’t have a good one of you.”
“Why?”
“How can I know.”
Hyunseung laughs, thick and low. He knows, he just can’t say.
“Anyway, I don’t have any idea how you can be that hyper sensitive. And what’s actually the problem here?”
You, Hyunseung thinks briefly. It’s you.
But at the same time he knows he would never bring himself to say something like this, because Junhyung is clueless. He isn’t innocent in this story but he’s clueless, and that’s enough for Hyunseung not to throw his friend into the argument.
“It’s complicated, I can’t tell.”
He rolls over, his back is now facing Junhyung. And once in a while, he thinks of Doojoon and Seunghyun.
“If you think you can, be friends again. If you think you can’t effort anymore, back off. There’re still many friends out here to choose and start a new relationship.”
Junhyung words are genuine and clear, like ice and Hyunseung wanders aimlessly whether the other has ever thought about dumping him to get another friend. The other boy says it easily as if he could do it without thinking.
What if I dumped you and got a new friend?
“You know, it’s not like I can’t find someone to have fun with. It’s even the easiest thing in this world. Just need to smile and feign innocent, and there’s many people around here to talk to and laugh along with. But it’s hard to find a real friend, because friends need to understand each other. Lovers may not understand each other, but friends need to. I used to think that I understand them and vice versa, but I’m wrong.”
And I always hope that you could be the one understanding me. But it seems that you can’t.
“I always treat you right.”
Junhyung states out of the blue and Hyunseung’s words slip off his tongue without him thinking:
“No, you don’t.”
“Don’t lie.”
The other boy mumbles in a joking tone as he turns Hyunseung to face him again. Junhyung uses his thumb to trace the feature of Hyunseung’s face lovingly and it gives the other light goose bumps:
“Don’t cry anymore, ‘kay?”
You’re one of the reasons why I cry.
“Maybe.”
***
The fact that Hyunseung cried actually wasn’t known by only himself, Yoseob and Dongwoon. Doojoon knew, or rather, he saw.
“Why did you cry?”
He asked days later after seeing Hyunseung suffering lunch time with his old friends and Kikwang. The brunette would just feign innocent as he usually did and act as if he heard nothing, but the next sentence Doojoon said did gnaw at his heart:
“Is it because of me? If you need, you can change your seat to their row.”
“Don’t misunderstand Doojoon. There’s nothing with you.”
“So?”
Hyunseung bit his lower lip while looking at Doojoon. They had already known each other for 3 years and been seatmates for more than six months. Doojoon could be a jerk and sometimes too greasy, much to Hyunseung’s taste. But he was a good buddy and Hyunseung was frustrated with the fact that he couldn’t tell anybody about what he had to suffer. He couldn’t tell Yoseob or Dongwoon, because they didn’t understand and they were still on half-way healing their broken friendship, let alone Junhyung. Hyunseung was trapped in his world and nobody could listen to him.
But, could Doojoon?
Hyunseung didn’t want to be judged anymore, and he also didn’t want the other have wrong impressions about his friends. They were all good, and if anybody needed to die here, it was him.
Anyway, he told, and the other listened.
“Your ego and their ego are too big. You just can’t admit that you need them, and neither do they.”
“I know.”
He muttered while looking at anywhere but Doojoon’s face. He couldn’t dare, because what if Doojoon was looking at him with the same look Yoseob threw at him days before?
“You should stop your relationship with Yong Junhyung.”
“Doojoon…”
“I know what you want to say. You guys are friends, but Junhyung is kind of… He’s heedless and you’ve given him too much attention. One day it will kill you.”
It actually did kill me.
“I’m trying Doojoon.”
He actually did. Hyunseung hadn’t met Junhyung for almost two weeks and he had tried to avoid any way he could bump into the other.
“I have the feeling that he’s a sex obsessive.”
Hyunseung’s shoulders tensed up at the statement and he tried to give a dry laugh:
“Really? I don’t think so…”
“You haven’t gone that far, have you?”
If sleeping with one of your good friends over a year didn’t count as “have gone too far” thingy, the shorter boy thought but still nodded his head lightly.
***
It’s the beginning of the second semester when Hyunseung’s university decides to hold a small military training class for third year students. It’s definitely the last thing their students had ever expected, so all of them keep on lamenting for their unfortunate. With all these boys and girls who’re just barely 21, they’d prefer stay in door with air-conditioner, playing or learning to going outside, sitting on the school yard and letting the heat of the summer tortures their bodies. Anyway, even when bitching about the course, the students still need to fulfill their task. And Hyunseung is no exception here.
The brunette’s watching other students do the exercises their instructor forces them when suddenly someone pulls his hand from behind. He turns around and notices that it’s Junyoung. The other boy’s holding a can of coke.
“It’s yours.”
He says with a poker face and Hyunseung needs to blink twice before adjusting fully the words, because he hardly knows Junyoung and there’s no way the other bought him drink, unless…
“Junhyung told me to give it to you.”
As if seeing through the meaning of questioning look Hyunseung’s wearing on his face, Junyoung quickly says. Hyunseung carefully receives the can in Junyoung’s hand and bows lightly at the other as an act of thanks before taking a small glance at the person standing not far from his spot much. Junhyung’s talking to a student in his photography club, black hair glinted under the sunshine and identical smirk has never left his face.
Hyunseung turns the Coke upside down just to find a small note stuck at its bottom:
“Happy birthday Hyunseung ^_^”
And he can’t help but smile. These little things surely have never failed in bringing smile back to his face.
***
“I can’t believe that you actually give me the coke.”
Hyunseung said, a glint of happiness flashed in his eyes and Junhyung laughed lightly:
“I know my friend’s thirsty.”
“Thanks.”
They were sitting in a quiet bar after the military training class. It’s already mid-night but both of the boys were still deep in celebrating Hyunseung’s birthday. Actually from the back of his head, Hyunseung had already told himself to invite Yoseob and Dongwoon, but then he remembered that they both hated Junhyung. Doojoon wasn’t a bad choice, however, he barely knew Junhyung and Hyunseung doubted whether he wanted to spend hours drinking with the said boy.
Besides, it had been a long time they met each other not because of it, but because of something meaningful. At least to Hyunseung.
“Have you hooked up with anybody recently?”
Hyunseung asked and his heart didn’t ache even once. It’s a good sight, right?
“No, I’m busy Seung.”
“What about the girl days before?”
“There’s nothing. She’s a freshman. And I don’t think that I will date anybody now.”
“We’re young Junhyung, there’s nothing for sure right now.”
Yeah, nothing. What if one day I wake up and find myself in love with you?
“No, seriously, I think it’s too stupid to date somebody for years and then dump them easily. If I date a person, that person will be the one I will get married.”
Ah, that’s the point here.
“Don’t force yourself like that. You should… like, open your heart (Hyunseung immediately cursed himself for having hanging around too much with Doojoon. Now he even talked like Doojoon) and try to accept others’ feeling. I think having somebody to share your feelings is way better.”
You can just tell me your problems and we can share. But surely you don’t want to.
“What about you?”
“About what?”
“Marriage and love?”
“I don’t want to get married.”
Hyunseung said matter-of-factly and Junhyung needed to keep a straight face while mimicking the other’s words:
“We’re young Hyunseung, there’s nothing for sure right now.”
The pretty boy laughed lightly and slapped his friend at arm. Junhyung faked a small cry of pain, but the genuine smile had never left his face as he stared at Hyunseung.
“I don’t want to Junhyung, seriously. Marriage sucks.”
“Want to have a bet? What if you get married?”
“I will not Jun, really. I can love, but don’t force me to get married.”
“You’re weird.”
“And so are you.”
“That’s why we’re friends, right?”
“Maybe.”
***
It’s the rehearsal of Hyunseung’s musical and Junhyung promises to watch.
That day the brunette has forgotten his line two times, tripping over things and falling off stage several times. Nobody knows exactly what happened to Jang Hyunseung, the lead actor who’s always perfect and has learnt the script by all his heart. The boy himself is also unable to explain his behaviors. “Maybe I’m a bit tired, yesterday I couldn’t sleep.” He tells the director and he nods his head understandingly, but his look is judging and the boy has to turn away, because he knows clearly it’s his fault. There’s no such a thing like “staying up late last night”, but there’s the fact that Junhyung’s seat is empty. He did come, and he left even before it came to Hyunseung’s part.
It’s okay, he tells himself. It doesn’t matter if Junhyung doesn’t watch. It’s just the rehearsal and not a big deal.
Anyway, he keeps on tripping and making mistakes.
Days later and the main performance comes, Junhyung doesn’t leave. He has stayed till the curtain comes down, but Hyunseung doesn’t know whether he should feel happy or annoyed, because sitting beside his friend is one of the girl he actually liked when they were in high school. Hyunseung hears nothing, he can only saw, and luckily that he’s steady that day. Because if not then he would just collapse right there, because Junhyung keeps smiling at her all the time and they look like a real couple.
(“You look hot today.”
Junhyung mumbles against his skin as he pins his friend down on the mattress and Hyunseung needs to bite back a trail of bitter laughter. You really watched me? And excuse me, but Victorian costumes aren’t something to be called as “hot”. He wants to scoff back, but deep down his guts, Hyunseung knows that he can’t bring himself to say.
He just couldn’t dare.
“You’re a liar Junhyung.”
And Junhyung says nothing.)
***
“Dongwoon’s leaving, like, the next weekend.”
Jinki talked to Doojoon one day before class started and it was unluckily lucky that Hyunseung was also sitting there. The statement took him aback and the boy was too shocked to say a single word. It wasn’t that he didn’t know Dongwoon was about to study abroad, but they talked about it three months ago and Dongwoon said he would leave the next year. Not the end of that month, that October.
Under the table he could feel Doojoon’s hand squeeze his own one lightly. Hyunseung looked up from his book and spare a questioning glance at his seatmate, but Doojoon didn’t look at him, instead at Jinki as the other was still talking.
“Hyunseung ah, have you bought any present for him?”
The mention of his name pulled Hyunseung back to the reality and he gave Jinki a confused look before mumbling as if he had known for a while. Indeed he knew nothing:
“I’m still thinking, it’s hard.”
He needed to act as if he had already known. It’s the least he could do to protect his remain ego and dignity. He couldn’t let anybody know that he had been completely pushed out of his friends’ life.
“I saw Yoseob buy a couple shirts for Dongwoon. They wore them and even took selca.”
So that’s the answer for Dongwoon’s Twitter userpic recently.
“And Kikwang made a cup having their photos printed on, along with a puzzle made from one of their photos.”
It’s enough. Enough.
Later that day when the lecture was over, Hyunseung stood up from his seat as fast as he could, stuffing all his books and tests and papers in the schoolbag. He always went home with Yoseob and Dongwoon, even how much the boy felt betrayed and hurt, he still tried to cover them with silly smiles and laughter. But today he couldn’t.
He couldn’t stand anymore.
“Kids, I have something at home today, need to go first.”
Hyunseung mumbled under his breath and Dongwoon stopped laughing with Kikwang to look up at him. He eyed his friend with concern, and even though how much Hyunseung used to love that look, all he wanted to do now was tearing the other’s face and burning it with fire, until there’s no trace of it in this world.
Liar.
“Are you okay hyung? You don’t look fine much.”
Shut up, can you??? You’re disgusting me.
“I’m fine. Just…tired.”
After all Hyunseung was just a coward.
The boy said and immediately ran out from the lecture hall without looking back to meet the confused gaze Yoseob and Dongwoon gave each other. He ran and ran, until there’s somebody behind holding his wrist back. That hand’s warm and even when Hyunseung tried to struggle, he still barely, just barely, hoped that that person would never let him go.
And he hoped that that person was Junhyung.
“Thought you guys were supposed to be best friends forever.”
The other voiced and Hyunseung’s muscle tensed up, just a little bit.
How could he bring himself too much hope like that?
“Doojoon ah, let me go.”
He whispered and Doojoon still stayed the same.
“You guys were supposed to be best friends.”
“Please, Doojoon. Just, please.”
Hyunseung turned back to give the other a desperate look, his eyes were stung now and he thought he couldn’t hold back anymore. Every word the other said was like nothing but daggers stabbing in his heart.
Doojoon was taken aback after seeing his face and slowly he released the firm grip on Hyunseung’s wrist. Without saying anything, Hyunseung started running again.
Hyunseung’s glad that at the moment he came back his dorm, his roommate was still in his shift of a part-time job. Because after skipping upstairs and locking himself in his room, Hyunseung started crying. He cried loudly, rather howling. When the boy was still a child, one of his cousins used to tell him that if the hurt was too much to handle, crying out loud was the best way to relieve the stress. So he tried, for the first time in his life. He cried until his voice was hoarse and the brunette couldn’t open his eyes again properly.
But the pain still weighed heavily upon his shoulders and Hyunseung knew there’s no way he could get rid of it.
Maybe the death could help.
Where’s Junhyung?
Hyunseung reached for his cellphone and started dialing the number of Junhyung’s dorm. It was already 6PM and the other was properly at home now.
But nobody answered his call and Hyunseung threw his phone at the wall. It broke into pieces but the boy didn’t care anymore.
***
On the day when the departure of Dongwoon happens, he comes to the university to bid farewell with friends for the last time.
“Don’t cry.”
Doojoon told Hyunseung before Dongwoon came and the shorter boy smiled slightly at him. His tears had been already dried up and he didn’t think he could cry anymore.
“I will.”
However, moments later, Hyunseung doesn’t know why and how, but tears start welling in his eyes without him knowing. He’s thrown in Dongwoon’s arms and luckily the realization dawns on him on time to remind the boy the fact that one of the persons he loved most in this world’s about to leave him, and they can barely meet again, unless Hyunseung finishes his study soon and is able to find a scholarship to England.
Before he can control his feeling, Hyunseung has leaned on Dongwoon and cried as if he were his mother.
“I’m sorry Dongwoon. I really am.”
“It’s okay now hyung. It’s okay.”
Dongwoon coaxes him, his hand pets Hyunseung’s head in a loving manner. But somehow between the sweet words and warm embrace, Hyunseung knows that there’s nothing okay again. The younger boy leaves even before they could make up and be the same. Or actually, they can never be the same again. They did try and have always tried, but past is the past and there’s no treatment for the deep wounds they have left in each other’s soul. People used to say that there’re two things human can’t redo. One is gathering back the water having been spilled, and two is taking back all the words they have said.
Hyunseung looks up just to find Yoseob standing awkwardly near them. His eyes are still narrow and Hyunseung wonders briefly whether they suddenly become that small or the other is just staring dagger at him again.
Kikwang’s also standing nearby and it’s really the first time Hyunseung feels nothing against him, after months of hatred. The boy is holding a puzzle having been framed already and as it’s passed by Hyunseung to be given to Dongwoon, the brunette needs to blink twice, because he can’t believe in his eyes anymore and all of a sudden everything seems to be blurred again.
“It’s for you Dongwoon.”
“Thank you Kikwang.”
The taller boy says, his eyes never leaves the puzzle. It’s made from the picture of them, Yoseob, Dongwoon, Kikwang.
And Hyunseung.
(Later that night he receives a message from Yoseob:
“That morning when I saw you hug Dongwoon, I’ve wished that it were the hug three of us used to share together years before. I really miss the old days with you. Maybe I have been a jerk and making you cry, I just can’t adjust to the new situation immediately. It’s hard to be back with someone who you have given up long time ago. I know I’ve given you cold shoulders despite all your efforts to heal things up again, really. From now on we’ll try again, okay? Just take things slow.”)
***
“He looks so cute!”
Hyunseung exclaimed out of the blue while walking down the street with Junhyung. The Joker raised an eyebrow questioningly at him, before turning his gaze to where his friend was looking at. His eyes stopped at a small baby of a young couple passing by them.
“You want to have baby?”
“Yeah! They’re really cute!”
The boy said excitedly as if he were a five-year-old child and Junhyung chuckled lightly at the sight, because seriously, how could a child take care of another child?
“Thought you don’t want to get married?”
He asked in a playful manner. Hyunseung stared at his friend seriously while answering:
“There’s nothing related between me wanting to have a baby and me lacking interest of getting married.”
“Oh…”
Junhyung trailed off but Hyunseung had no longer paid attention to him, instead his eyes still followed the movement of the couple with the cute baby, until they disappeared completely into the sea of people. The two boys continued their journey without a word until the moment Junhyung suddenly said:
“It’s lucky that you’re not a girl.”
“Why?”
The other asked back confusedly but Junhyung didn’t answer him.
***
“What do you mean with it is lucky that I’m not a girl?”
Hyunseung asks while Junhyung’s buttoning up his shirt. The other doesn’t look at him, but instead at the mirror behind his back. He shrugs his shoulders lightly, voice flat and monotonous:
“Because you can’t get pregnant.”
Maybe Junhyung doesn’t know, but anyway, Hyunseung also doesn’t cry, because men just cry for things they need to, and surely what Junhyung has said isn’t in the list of appreciate things to cry for.
But why his eyes and his heart are both hurt?
***
Hyunseung’s harassed, out of everybody.
He didn’t understand even the slightest, because everything happened too quickly and he was still in a daze after having struggled to free himself. That person appeared from nowhere on his way back home on a late April night. Hyunseung didn’t notice whether he had been stalked, but that man surely knew by heart his routine, because just when the boy turned at the corner of Nanyang street, somebody had grabbed his wrist and pulled him back into a dark alley nearby.
He kissed Hyunseung forcefully while hands were travelling up and down his body. His hands are dirty, Hyunseung knew that, and he couldn’t let that man touch him.
Because there’s only one person in this world could touch like that.
He struggled against the deadly grip, pushing the other man with all his remained strength. He was tired after all day long learning and cleaning the lecture hall, but the thought of letting a stranger, not him, do some unappreciated things to his body disgusted the boy. There’s nobody around here to help him, and calling for help now is maybe a bit too late.
He heard the man on the ground groan in pain and something about paying back, and all he could do was running for his life.
***
“Junhyung ah, where are you?”
“What’s wrong Seung? Your voice sounds weird.”
“I’ve just…”
“I can’t hear anything Hyunseung. I’m busy now. We will talk later okay?”
And with that Junhyung hangs up. Hyunseung stares blankly at his cellphone for a while before shoving it back to his pocket. The boy slowly walks down the crowded street, thinking of what time he should call Junhyung. It’s 7.30PM now, maybe he should wait till 10PM. He should…
Junhyung’s going with another girl. On the other patch of this street.
There’s no need for a phone call anymore.
Hyunseung looks down at his slovenly clothes before turning to the skirt that girl’s wearing.
“He’s for sure doesn’t like you.”
Why does Seunghyun need to pop up in his mind right here, right now?
***
“Actually Hyunseung ah, I think you look like a puppy.”
Kikwang stated out of the blue and Yoseob nearly choked on a slice of bread, while Hyunseung couldn’t help but slap on the said boy’s arm, face flushed in embarrassment. Doojoon was no help here as he just rolled over his seat while laughing his head off, before adding more fuel to the fire:
“He looks like a chick.”
“Or rather a duckling.”
“You’re dead meat now Yoon Doojoon.”
The brunette warned half-heartedly and the oldest just pretended to cover his face with a book nearby, as if his friend-- were about to jab him to death with all the glares.
“They’re all right Seung ah.”
Junhyung laughed while Hyunseung just huffed annoyingly at the memory of the conversation. He was no longer Jang Hyunseung now, but rather Jang Puppy-seung, Jang Chick-seung and even Jang Duckling-seung.
“No need to make a fuss.”
“Do you know about ‘the ugly duckling’?”
Hyunseung asked and Junhyung stopped barely to finally realize what the other was aiming to. He shook his head lightly and pulled Hyunseung to lie closer to him, so close that the brunette could hear his heartbeat beating steadily against his ears.
“But one day the ugly duckling will turn into a swan, right?”
“Maybe.”
“You will, Seung ah. One day.”
And if I became a swan, would you look at me and like, like me?
***
But Hyunseung’s just a normal person with a pair of awkward legs and nerdy glasses, along with weird personality. He either isn’t a girl, and can never be a girl.
Not to mention Junhyung has never trusted him.
Has he ever told anything to Hyunseung about him?
Never.
People say they are close, but they’re wrong. People say Junhyung looks happy while being around him, but it’s just the tip of an iceberg. People say Hyunseung understands Junhyung the best.
But little do they know that he knows nothing about his friend. His 5-year good friend.
***
The sun raised maybe a little too early today. Hyunseung thought barely at the back of his head before going back to stare down at the creature lying peacefully beside him. Junhyung looked so innocent and like a small child while sleeping. His skin was pale, but in a nice way, and Hyunseung could see clearly the red marks he left last night on his throat and collarbone. His hair’s a bit damp and messy, but Hyunseung loved it and he knew he could run his fingers through it again and again, like he had always done for many times as Junhyung did magic to his body.
Hyunseung had never been the type of cuddle person, but that day, he’d prefer try at least one time. The boy inched closer to his friend, arms wrapped carefully around his torso. He just dared to drape his arms lightly without any force, because who knew, what if he squeezed his arms and Junhyung would disappear forever?
Please, just stay like this for a while. Not forever, but in a while. Please.
“You’re up early.”
Junhyung’s voice muffled in his pillow and Hyunseung smiled lightly at the other’s words.
He surely would miss his voice very much.
“I have something to do. Need to get back to the dorm early.”
“Oh…”
Junhyung trailed off before dripping off to the dreamland again. Hyunseung observed the other’s boy feature for a while, maybe 5 minutes, or 10, or maybe 20? He couldn’t tell clearly, because his heart suddenly ached too much.
His thin arms slowly moved away from Junhyung’s body. Hyunseung laid on the bed and stared at the other’s back, before actually rolling over and sitting up. The brunette looked around the room, Junhyung’s bedroom. He had been there for many times during those two years, and surely even when it’s just a place for them to have sex, it was still special to Hyunseung, by some means.
He thought briefly while gathering his clothes on the floor.
“Goodbye Junhyung.”
Hyunseung said faintly before locking the door behind his back.
***
“Hyunseung?”
The boy nearly jumps out of his skin and he needs to take some deep breath before turning around to look at the person who has just called him. Even after months of separation, that voice’s still kept at the back of his mind and he’s always remembered it. Because like Doojoon has said, if a story’s only full of sweet cotton candy, it’s too shallow to remember.
And surely Hyunseung’s story isn’t some kind of sweet candy.
“Hi.”
He waves back and sees a glint of hesitation in the other’s eyes before he actually continues:
“I’ve come to your dorm but your roommate told me that you had moved out.”
“I moved back to live with my parents. They want to take care of me more and I have nothing against the idea.”
“Oh…”
Again, they stand in awkward silence. Hyunseung’s mind tells him to give an excuse and leave immediately, but another part of his body, or exactly his heart, tells him to stay and wait.
But wait for what, when everything’s been over?
“I can’t call you.”
“I’ve changed my number.”
Hyunseung answered calmly. The other boy fumbles with his shirt for a while, seeming to debate whether or not he should say. But anyway, after all he still slips off the words:
“Do you still keep mine? You can call me to inform the new phone number and we can…”
“I’ve deleted your number Junhyung.” He pauses briefly, before adding more: “I need to go now. I have an important meeting downtown.”
“Oh, okay. So, see you later?”
“I don’t think so. Anyway, nice to meet you again. And goodbye.”
“Goodbye?”
“Goodbye.”
Junhyung eyes Hyunseung’s left hand stretched out to shake his one for a while, but he didn’t shake hands with the other and his used-to-be friend doesn’t seem to mind much. Because he’s quickly gone and never turned back to look at the other again.
Their lives, after all, are two parallel lines. They may run till the end of this world, but they can never meet each other and be one.
He’s a boy without a heart now, like Junhyung’s always been during these years.
END.
A/n: the story is written based on Hyunseung’s disordered memories, from both the past and the present, so bear with me if the story’s messy and ugly. If there’s anything you feel confused about, just comment and ask me directly :3 Thank you
Parallel lines:
Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever really loved?
사랑, 남들은 너무 쉬워
하지만 내겐 지워지지 않는 문신 같아
<
But for me, it’s like an unerasable tattoo.>>
Whenever after having done it, Junhyung will always be the one to stand up and wear his clothes first. While Hyunseung will still just lie on the bed and pretend to keep his eyes shut.
And every time like that, Hyunseung can’t help but feel irritated.
It isn’t like the boy is the type of a cuddle person, nor he does want any kind of affections from Junhyung after the thing they have just done. He’s even far from it. Hyunseung knows clearly what he wants and what he thinks, in the most honest way. He’s clear and genuine and knows how to control his self.
However, it’s still hard for Hyunseung to make sense the feeling he has whenever seeing Junhyung turns his back toward him while trying to find his boxers in the dim room. He can’t understand the slightest, even when Junhyung has done with wearing all his clothes, and Hyunseung will still lies on the bed thinking over and over again. He can’t understand, even when Junhyung has already done his shoelaces and is standing in front of the entrance, twisting the doorknob.
He never and ever understands even when Junhyung has closed the door behind his back and leaves.
They are far from the words “lovers” after all, so Hyunseung finally concludes the fact that he doesn’t need to find his answer anymore. The brunette thinks before standing up immediately to have a shower and clean his room. It always smells like sex and so does he, and Hyunseung doesn’t like the idea a little bit. Even when just couple of hours before he’s the one moaning and being writhing mess under the other, begging for more.
But besides that disgusted feeling he needs to get rid of, the boy still find another scent of another person lingering on his skin. And that’s why he needs to take a shower as soon as possible.
***
Colorful canvases were spread to prevent the heat from the sun above and all of a sudden the dull face of the school’s yard was replaced by a refreshing one, you could tell the change if watching from the 4th floor of a building nearby. Students were busy building, decorating their tents or just simply finishing their hand-made wares, before the fair really started, creating crowds here and there. Myeongdong turned 50 that year and the fair was just one of the occasions to celebrate the birth of the gifted high school.
People were talking to each other joyfully, students from one booth came to another to introduce the goods they sold, the sensation of too many people gathering in a small place,… everything surely made a disaster to Hyunseung. The brunette couldn’t help but thought while vaguely playing with a bamboo stick picked up from somewhere. It wasn’t like he didn’t enjoy the fair, in fact to someone like Hyunseung, the fair was a great chance to skip class and have fun. It had been too long since the last time they had a proper break, after many examinations and projects. The problem here was just, well, there were also students from other schools nearby came to visit while his school was too small and the occasion gradually seemed to be messy and too annoyed, much to Hyunseung’s taste. So after all, from the person participating enthusiastically in the whole idea, the brunette decided to back off and just leave things for his classmates.
Hyunseung didn’t have anything for breakfast yet, and after having stood outside after, like 4 hours, without sitting did urge his stomach to yearn for some care. His tent, or actually his class’s tent, held theme about Korea’s traditions, so it wasn’t surprised much when they sold traditional foods. The boy would just need to sneak in and have some, but after debating for a while, Hyunseung decided to leave and go to another booth. Besides, he had already promised with Seunghyun to drop by and buy something for his class.
Hyunseung had never felt finding foods was hard like that day, after having some experiences from students of a class tried to pull him into their tent and have prophecy, while others nearly ripped his pants by keeping his leg to get his attention for their small bookshop. Not to mention the irritated look Seunghyun threw at him after knowing the price his class sold a hotdog for Hyunseung (“How much does it cost?” he asked. “3 dollars.” “What the fuck??? They forced me to buy it with 6 dollars!!!” Seunghyun cried and Hyunseung gave him a pathetic look). Anyway, after going around to feed his little stomach, Hyunseung stopped by a booth to buy some drink. While waiting for his mocha, he looked around and noticed that the booth wasn’t belonged to any class, indeed its owner was the photography club. He had never come to the club, let alone knowing anybody in it, so the brunette curiously took some steps forward to have a better view of some photos pinned on the wall. His eyes travelled down to the table nearby and it immediately laid on a thick book with the sight of Paris printed on the cover. Hyunseung carefully took the books and opened it with his slender fingers, feeling slightly disappointed as it was written in French while others were still continuously bumping against him to buy the models of Eiffel tower also placed on the table.
Hyunseung was at the page showing the inside of Louvre when he felt the existence of another person beside him. Maybe it was just someone passing by to have a look, he thought and turned to the next page.
“If you need any help, just ask me.”
Hyunseung looked up to find a boy around his age smirking lightly at him, a glint of interest flashed in a pair of dark eyes. Later that day he learnt that the other’s name was Junhyung, he was a member of the photography club and major in French.
Good, because Hyunseung was major in English.
***
“So, Junhyung?”
“Junhyung what?”
Hyunseung grunts while continuing with his concentration to the textbook, ignoring the grin’s plastered Doojoon’s face. The other doesn’t seem to be faltered with his seatmate’s attitude much, as he still keeps his stupid grin while shifting in his seat to have a better view of Hyunseung’s face:
“I just want to know, how are you guys doing?”
“None of your business.”
“Oh...”
Without tearing his gaze from the book, Hyunseung still knows that Doojoon has turned back to his usual position with a dismayed pout. The boy tends to say something to cover for his bitchy attitudes, but finally just mumbling something under his breath:
“Sometimes going out to have drinks, sometimes chattering a bit. That’s all. We’re good friends.”
Hyunseung says and all of a sudden wonders whether good friends have sex with each other for over a year.
Besides him the other boy hums lightly at the answer and he can’t help but give a small sigh. After all Doojoon is just his seatmate, there’s no need for Hyunseung to pour out all his heart about his own affairs to him.
He turns his head a bit and stares intensely at the table of the next row. Yoseob and Dongwoon are laughing their heads off, probably about some lame jokes Kikwang has just made.
“Recently I haven’t seen you go with Yoseob and Dongwoon.”
The sound of Doojoon’s voice faintly reaches Hyunseung’s ears and the brunette tears his gaze from the sight back to his neglected textbook.
“I still go home with them.”
He mutters and Doojoon asks nothing more.
***
The first time they did it, Hyunseung couldn’t tell if both of them were really drunk. He wasn’t, maybe. The boy actually hadn’t drunk much except for two glasses of soju, while Junhyung had already had some shots as their friends forced him. They were on their way celebrating the ending of the first year as university students until mid-night when all of their friends had come home and there were only two of them left behind (“Take him home for us.” Sunggyu said before going, leaving behind a dumbfounded Hyunseung and a half-drunk Junhyung).
Hyunseung didn’t remember clearly how it happened. How they left the club after paying the bill, how Junhyung pushed him back against the wall in a dark alley and kissed him with force, how they grinded their bodies together, how things were out of their handle, how they ended up in a cheap hotel stripping each other,… He couldn’t remember anything, but there were something for sure that a cheap hotel wasn’t in his list of appreciate places for having sex. And he wasn’t supposed to do those unappreciated things to one of his friends.
Hyunseung’s mind was clouded, but not because of the effect of alcohol. Maybe he felt his head spinning because of the sensation Junhyung gave him. He supposed that the other was too drunk to control his acts, but somehow between all the kisses and touches and thrusts, he couldn’t help but feel that Junhyung was sober.
Even more sober than him.
***
That afternoon, Hyunseung goes downtown to reach the National Library. As the boy passes by a small café, his eyes caught sight of a familiar frame through the glass windows of the shop. However, the other seems to be oblivious to his look, because he still smiles his charming smile with the other people sitting around his table.
Well, double date? Hyunseung thinks vaguely before tearing his eyes from the sight. Somehow his intention of going to the library and borrows some books about European cultures for Junhyung had vanished into the thin air.
(“She looks nice.”
Later Hyunseung says while they’re lying on bed, only a thin sheet covers their bodies. Junhyung turns his head a bit to look at Hyunseung, humming lightly:
“So?”
“You two should hook up and do something like this.”
“I will not do anything like this with her.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s not you.”
Junhyung answers and all of a sudden Hyunseung disgusts with himself.)
Seunghyun texts Hyunseung out of the blue on a rainy day. They haven’t met each other for nearly two years after graduating from high school and Hyunseung has never had the idea of talking with the other again. He even doubts whether Seunghyun still kept his phone number.
However, he actually did. And Hyunseung didn’t know if he should be grateful for that.
They beat about the bush for a while until Seunghyun texts:
“Today I saw you go to school.”
“I didn’t see you.”
“Of course, you were going with Junhyung.”
Hyunseung doesn’t even understand the slightest why people always say that he doesn’t see anything whenever Junhyung’s around. No, thanks but he isn’t like that. He does see, he just doesn’t say.
But this time he really doesn’t see.
“Are you jealous?”
“Nope. It’s certain that to you I can’t be as attractive as him >:))”
“Shut.Up _”__”
“Buy me the collection of Eminem :(( I gave mine to one of my friends.”
“If I loved you okay?”
“So you love me =))”
“Sorry but I love another person.”
“Who’s your victim? Not Junhyung, right? >:))”
Hyunseung’s taken aback slightly at the sudden question, but still decides to play along. After all it doesn’t hurt. At least now.
“What if it were him?”
“Nothing. I just think it will be one-sided. Because he’s for sure doesn’t like you.”
“So?”
“He likes another girl. Do you know?”
“I guess.”
“He studies in the same university with you and you know nothing?”
“It’s not like I don’t know. You’re the one saying crap here.”
“I’m more intelligent than you. Anyway, if I were you, I would never like Yong Junhyung.”
“Whatever. It’s not like we’re having affair.”
“I just say. Be careful.”
The last message surely does give Hyunseung a long sleepless night, even when he has already prepared for anything could happen.
***
“What the fuck is wrong with you???”
Hyunseung hissed as Yoseob shoved him back against the wall and the taller boy needed to bite back a cry of pain, both physically and mentally. Dongwoon standing motionlessly beside Yoseob was no help, even when he was the one Hyunseung always trusted and was believed to never leave him. But now the tallest boy just stood there and gave him a judging look, along with his already wet eyes.
“We should be the one asking you that question. What.Is.Wrong.With.You???”
What’s wrong with me? Hyunseung’s head was spinning at the question and all of a sudden he just wanted to throw up with all the disgusted feeling gathered from his guts about himself. His hand stretched out to reach for the wall behind his back as he tried to support his body for a proper standing position.
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry because I have always hanged out with Doojoon recently and neglected you.” And I’m sorry because I can’t keep you guys by my side, instead letting Kikwang replace my position in your hearts, and I’m sorry because I can’t make you understand me, because we’re best friends while we even can’t understand each other the slightest. Hyunseung wanted to shout all those thoughts at his friends, but his ego was too big for his own good and there’s no way Hyunseung admitted that he’s jealous and he was defeated. Kikwang was nothing to Hyunseung. How could he ever think of stealing his friends away from him? He would soon win Yoseob and Dongwoon back, because they were brothers and nothing could break that fact.
Nothing, unless it came from one of them.
“Shut up Jang Hyunseung! You know nothing.”
“Sorry but yes I know.”
He bit back and Dongwoon trailed off quietly behind Yoseob:
“You’re no longer the Jang Hyunseung we used to know.”
And you’re no longer the brothers I used to know.
“We know things can change easily and nothing’s forever, but Hyunseung, how can you become like this?”
“I’m still myself.”
“No you are not. You’re different now. I can’t tell exactly, but it’s the fact.”
Yoseob said, his voice was softened a bit as Dongwoon had placed a hand on his shoulder as an act of soothing.
“We’ve already told you to stay away from him.”
And I’ve told you already that I can’t leave him.
“Doojoon? Why? I think there’s nothing wrong with me hanging out with him.”
“You know clearly that we aren’t talking about Doojoon.”
Yes I know, and can you just shut up?
“He’s my friend.”
Hyunseung muttered under his breath. He heard a long sigh coming from Dongwoon.
“So you chose him instead of us.”
“There’s nothing to choose here Yoseob. You’re my friends and he’s also my friend, both are important to me equally. How can I say that I will leave one of you because of the other?”
The boy said, his voice cracked and a trail of tears unexpectedly fell down his cheeks. It’s so wrong. He wasn’t supposed to cry here, in front of his friends.
But somehow, between the disappointed feelings he had about himself and the reality, Hyunseung still expected that Dongwoon would walk to him and gave a warm hug, while Yoseob would coax him with all the soothing words, saying that everything would be alright soon and they would be the same like nothing had happened.
But his shoulders were cold and his friends were still standing opposite him, watching with stoic.
Even when it just took three steps to stand beside them, Hyunseung felt as if they were too far away for him to reach.
“He’s more important than us to you. You always talk about him and only him while we’re around. I know he’s attractive and intelligent and he’s known you longer than us. But can you just shut up? We’re really tired. It’s like even how hard we tried we still could never be as good as him.”
“No you’re wrong.”
“He’s a bastard and you still love him. It’s unfair to us.”
There’s no fair in this world.
“I don’t love him Yoseob. I really don’t.”
It was the truth. Hyunseung didn’t love him.
“He calls you and you immediately run to him. While there’s no such a thing like that when it comes to us.”
So what about all the Kikwang-thingy of you? He’s good, right? He follows you everywhere and you now even replace me by him. You never waited for me, but instead now waiting for him. You laugh with him instead of me… Is it called as betrayal?
“Can we just act as if nothing happened?”
Hyunseung said after a while of utter silence. His shoulders were shaking and tears still kept falling even when he had tried to hold back his sobs
“Nothing can be the same Hyunseung. Nothing.”
Somehow Hyunseung just wished Junhyung was here, even when he was the main cause of all those things.
However, Junhyung had never been there whenever Hyunseung needed him.
(Later that night Dongwoon called him, for the first time after 2 months. He said Yoseob had reconsidered and they would try again, if it could help their friendship. The next day Hyunseung came to sit in the same table with them at lunch time, but things were too awkward for his own good and Kikwang was annoyingly clingy to Yoseob. After 15 minutes Hyunseung decided to leave and nobody chased after him. Because nobody really cared.)
***
“You don’t need to cry because of them.”
Another long night filled with kisses and touches, and now Hyunseung’s lying next to Junhyung as if it were the most natural thing in this world. They met half-way home on a late autumn evening, and the frustrated look Hyunseung wore on his face was really something to care about. Or rather, Hyunseung doubts whether Junhyung really noticed and considered it as something serious. Maybe he just wanted to get rid of his own sexual frustration, and there couldn’t be any better occasion than this.
(“I will make you feel better.”
He whispered hotly against Hyunseung’s skin while trailing sloppy kisses down his torso and the brunette bit is lips till it bled. He should have shoved Junhyung off of his body, but he didn’t and couldn’t.)
“They’re my friends, I can’t. Besides, it’s my fault. They’re really good buddies.”
Hyunseung protected his 5-year friend from Yoseob and Dongwoon. And now he’s protecting them from Junhyung.
“They don’t seem to be fond of me much.”
They hate you.
“Every people have their own impression of others. Maybe they don’t have a good one of you.”
“Why?”
“How can I know.”
Hyunseung laughs, thick and low. He knows, he just can’t say.
“Anyway, I don’t have any idea how you can be that hyper sensitive. And what’s actually the problem here?”
You, Hyunseung thinks briefly. It’s you.
But at the same time he knows he would never bring himself to say something like this, because Junhyung is clueless. He isn’t innocent in this story but he’s clueless, and that’s enough for Hyunseung not to throw his friend into the argument.
“It’s complicated, I can’t tell.”
He rolls over, his back is now facing Junhyung. And once in a while, he thinks of Doojoon and Seunghyun.
“If you think you can, be friends again. If you think you can’t effort anymore, back off. There’re still many friends out here to choose and start a new relationship.”
Junhyung words are genuine and clear, like ice and Hyunseung wanders aimlessly whether the other has ever thought about dumping him to get another friend. The other boy says it easily as if he could do it without thinking.
What if I dumped you and got a new friend?
“You know, it’s not like I can’t find someone to have fun with. It’s even the easiest thing in this world. Just need to smile and feign innocent, and there’s many people around here to talk to and laugh along with. But it’s hard to find a real friend, because friends need to understand each other. Lovers may not understand each other, but friends need to. I used to think that I understand them and vice versa, but I’m wrong.”
And I always hope that you could be the one understanding me. But it seems that you can’t.
“I always treat you right.”
Junhyung states out of the blue and Hyunseung’s words slip off his tongue without him thinking:
“No, you don’t.”
“Don’t lie.”
The other boy mumbles in a joking tone as he turns Hyunseung to face him again. Junhyung uses his thumb to trace the feature of Hyunseung’s face lovingly and it gives the other light goose bumps:
“Don’t cry anymore, ‘kay?”
You’re one of the reasons why I cry.
“Maybe.”
***
The fact that Hyunseung cried actually wasn’t known by only himself, Yoseob and Dongwoon. Doojoon knew, or rather, he saw.
“Why did you cry?”
He asked days later after seeing Hyunseung suffering lunch time with his old friends and Kikwang. The brunette would just feign innocent as he usually did and act as if he heard nothing, but the next sentence Doojoon said did gnaw at his heart:
“Is it because of me? If you need, you can change your seat to their row.”
“Don’t misunderstand Doojoon. There’s nothing with you.”
“So?”
Hyunseung bit his lower lip while looking at Doojoon. They had already known each other for 3 years and been seatmates for more than six months. Doojoon could be a jerk and sometimes too greasy, much to Hyunseung’s taste. But he was a good buddy and Hyunseung was frustrated with the fact that he couldn’t tell anybody about what he had to suffer. He couldn’t tell Yoseob or Dongwoon, because they didn’t understand and they were still on half-way healing their broken friendship, let alone Junhyung. Hyunseung was trapped in his world and nobody could listen to him.
But, could Doojoon?
Hyunseung didn’t want to be judged anymore, and he also didn’t want the other have wrong impressions about his friends. They were all good, and if anybody needed to die here, it was him.
Anyway, he told, and the other listened.
“Your ego and their ego are too big. You just can’t admit that you need them, and neither do they.”
“I know.”
He muttered while looking at anywhere but Doojoon’s face. He couldn’t dare, because what if Doojoon was looking at him with the same look Yoseob threw at him days before?
“You should stop your relationship with Yong Junhyung.”
“Doojoon…”
“I know what you want to say. You guys are friends, but Junhyung is kind of… He’s heedless and you’ve given him too much attention. One day it will kill you.”
It actually did kill me.
“I’m trying Doojoon.”
He actually did. Hyunseung hadn’t met Junhyung for almost two weeks and he had tried to avoid any way he could bump into the other.
“I have the feeling that he’s a sex obsessive.”
Hyunseung’s shoulders tensed up at the statement and he tried to give a dry laugh:
“Really? I don’t think so…”
“You haven’t gone that far, have you?”
If sleeping with one of your good friends over a year didn’t count as “have gone too far” thingy, the shorter boy thought but still nodded his head lightly.
***
It’s the beginning of the second semester when Hyunseung’s university decides to hold a small military training class for third year students. It’s definitely the last thing their students had ever expected, so all of them keep on lamenting for their unfortunate. With all these boys and girls who’re just barely 21, they’d prefer stay in door with air-conditioner, playing or learning to going outside, sitting on the school yard and letting the heat of the summer tortures their bodies. Anyway, even when bitching about the course, the students still need to fulfill their task. And Hyunseung is no exception here.
The brunette’s watching other students do the exercises their instructor forces them when suddenly someone pulls his hand from behind. He turns around and notices that it’s Junyoung. The other boy’s holding a can of coke.
“It’s yours.”
He says with a poker face and Hyunseung needs to blink twice before adjusting fully the words, because he hardly knows Junyoung and there’s no way the other bought him drink, unless…
“Junhyung told me to give it to you.”
As if seeing through the meaning of questioning look Hyunseung’s wearing on his face, Junyoung quickly says. Hyunseung carefully receives the can in Junyoung’s hand and bows lightly at the other as an act of thanks before taking a small glance at the person standing not far from his spot much. Junhyung’s talking to a student in his photography club, black hair glinted under the sunshine and identical smirk has never left his face.
Hyunseung turns the Coke upside down just to find a small note stuck at its bottom:
“Happy birthday Hyunseung ^_^”
And he can’t help but smile. These little things surely have never failed in bringing smile back to his face.
***
“I can’t believe that you actually give me the coke.”
Hyunseung said, a glint of happiness flashed in his eyes and Junhyung laughed lightly:
“I know my friend’s thirsty.”
“Thanks.”
They were sitting in a quiet bar after the military training class. It’s already mid-night but both of the boys were still deep in celebrating Hyunseung’s birthday. Actually from the back of his head, Hyunseung had already told himself to invite Yoseob and Dongwoon, but then he remembered that they both hated Junhyung. Doojoon wasn’t a bad choice, however, he barely knew Junhyung and Hyunseung doubted whether he wanted to spend hours drinking with the said boy.
Besides, it had been a long time they met each other not because of it, but because of something meaningful. At least to Hyunseung.
“Have you hooked up with anybody recently?”
Hyunseung asked and his heart didn’t ache even once. It’s a good sight, right?
“No, I’m busy Seung.”
“What about the girl days before?”
“There’s nothing. She’s a freshman. And I don’t think that I will date anybody now.”
“We’re young Junhyung, there’s nothing for sure right now.”
Yeah, nothing. What if one day I wake up and find myself in love with you?
“No, seriously, I think it’s too stupid to date somebody for years and then dump them easily. If I date a person, that person will be the one I will get married.”
Ah, that’s the point here.
“Don’t force yourself like that. You should… like, open your heart (Hyunseung immediately cursed himself for having hanging around too much with Doojoon. Now he even talked like Doojoon) and try to accept others’ feeling. I think having somebody to share your feelings is way better.”
You can just tell me your problems and we can share. But surely you don’t want to.
“What about you?”
“About what?”
“Marriage and love?”
“I don’t want to get married.”
Hyunseung said matter-of-factly and Junhyung needed to keep a straight face while mimicking the other’s words:
“We’re young Hyunseung, there’s nothing for sure right now.”
The pretty boy laughed lightly and slapped his friend at arm. Junhyung faked a small cry of pain, but the genuine smile had never left his face as he stared at Hyunseung.
“I don’t want to Junhyung, seriously. Marriage sucks.”
“Want to have a bet? What if you get married?”
“I will not Jun, really. I can love, but don’t force me to get married.”
“You’re weird.”
“And so are you.”
“That’s why we’re friends, right?”
“Maybe.”
***
It’s the rehearsal of Hyunseung’s musical and Junhyung promises to watch.
That day the brunette has forgotten his line two times, tripping over things and falling off stage several times. Nobody knows exactly what happened to Jang Hyunseung, the lead actor who’s always perfect and has learnt the script by all his heart. The boy himself is also unable to explain his behaviors. “Maybe I’m a bit tired, yesterday I couldn’t sleep.” He tells the director and he nods his head understandingly, but his look is judging and the boy has to turn away, because he knows clearly it’s his fault. There’s no such a thing like “staying up late last night”, but there’s the fact that Junhyung’s seat is empty. He did come, and he left even before it came to Hyunseung’s part.
It’s okay, he tells himself. It doesn’t matter if Junhyung doesn’t watch. It’s just the rehearsal and not a big deal.
Anyway, he keeps on tripping and making mistakes.
Days later and the main performance comes, Junhyung doesn’t leave. He has stayed till the curtain comes down, but Hyunseung doesn’t know whether he should feel happy or annoyed, because sitting beside his friend is one of the girl he actually liked when they were in high school. Hyunseung hears nothing, he can only saw, and luckily that he’s steady that day. Because if not then he would just collapse right there, because Junhyung keeps smiling at her all the time and they look like a real couple.
(“You look hot today.”
Junhyung mumbles against his skin as he pins his friend down on the mattress and Hyunseung needs to bite back a trail of bitter laughter. You really watched me? And excuse me, but Victorian costumes aren’t something to be called as “hot”. He wants to scoff back, but deep down his guts, Hyunseung knows that he can’t bring himself to say.
He just couldn’t dare.
“You’re a liar Junhyung.”
And Junhyung says nothing.)
***
“Dongwoon’s leaving, like, the next weekend.”
Jinki talked to Doojoon one day before class started and it was unluckily lucky that Hyunseung was also sitting there. The statement took him aback and the boy was too shocked to say a single word. It wasn’t that he didn’t know Dongwoon was about to study abroad, but they talked about it three months ago and Dongwoon said he would leave the next year. Not the end of that month, that October.
Under the table he could feel Doojoon’s hand squeeze his own one lightly. Hyunseung looked up from his book and spare a questioning glance at his seatmate, but Doojoon didn’t look at him, instead at Jinki as the other was still talking.
“Hyunseung ah, have you bought any present for him?”
The mention of his name pulled Hyunseung back to the reality and he gave Jinki a confused look before mumbling as if he had known for a while. Indeed he knew nothing:
“I’m still thinking, it’s hard.”
He needed to act as if he had already known. It’s the least he could do to protect his remain ego and dignity. He couldn’t let anybody know that he had been completely pushed out of his friends’ life.
“I saw Yoseob buy a couple shirts for Dongwoon. They wore them and even took selca.”
So that’s the answer for Dongwoon’s Twitter userpic recently.
“And Kikwang made a cup having their photos printed on, along with a puzzle made from one of their photos.”
It’s enough. Enough.
Later that day when the lecture was over, Hyunseung stood up from his seat as fast as he could, stuffing all his books and tests and papers in the schoolbag. He always went home with Yoseob and Dongwoon, even how much the boy felt betrayed and hurt, he still tried to cover them with silly smiles and laughter. But today he couldn’t.
He couldn’t stand anymore.
“Kids, I have something at home today, need to go first.”
Hyunseung mumbled under his breath and Dongwoon stopped laughing with Kikwang to look up at him. He eyed his friend with concern, and even though how much Hyunseung used to love that look, all he wanted to do now was tearing the other’s face and burning it with fire, until there’s no trace of it in this world.
Liar.
“Are you okay hyung? You don’t look fine much.”
Shut up, can you??? You’re disgusting me.
“I’m fine. Just…tired.”
After all Hyunseung was just a coward.
The boy said and immediately ran out from the lecture hall without looking back to meet the confused gaze Yoseob and Dongwoon gave each other. He ran and ran, until there’s somebody behind holding his wrist back. That hand’s warm and even when Hyunseung tried to struggle, he still barely, just barely, hoped that that person would never let him go.
And he hoped that that person was Junhyung.
“Thought you guys were supposed to be best friends forever.”
The other voiced and Hyunseung’s muscle tensed up, just a little bit.
How could he bring himself too much hope like that?
“Doojoon ah, let me go.”
He whispered and Doojoon still stayed the same.
“You guys were supposed to be best friends.”
“Please, Doojoon. Just, please.”
Hyunseung turned back to give the other a desperate look, his eyes were stung now and he thought he couldn’t hold back anymore. Every word the other said was like nothing but daggers stabbing in his heart.
Doojoon was taken aback after seeing his face and slowly he released the firm grip on Hyunseung’s wrist. Without saying anything, Hyunseung started running again.
Hyunseung’s glad that at the moment he came back his dorm, his roommate was still in his shift of a part-time job. Because after skipping upstairs and locking himself in his room, Hyunseung started crying. He cried loudly, rather howling. When the boy was still a child, one of his cousins used to tell him that if the hurt was too much to handle, crying out loud was the best way to relieve the stress. So he tried, for the first time in his life. He cried until his voice was hoarse and the brunette couldn’t open his eyes again properly.
But the pain still weighed heavily upon his shoulders and Hyunseung knew there’s no way he could get rid of it.
Maybe the death could help.
Where’s Junhyung?
Hyunseung reached for his cellphone and started dialing the number of Junhyung’s dorm. It was already 6PM and the other was properly at home now.
But nobody answered his call and Hyunseung threw his phone at the wall. It broke into pieces but the boy didn’t care anymore.
***
On the day when the departure of Dongwoon happens, he comes to the university to bid farewell with friends for the last time.
“Don’t cry.”
Doojoon told Hyunseung before Dongwoon came and the shorter boy smiled slightly at him. His tears had been already dried up and he didn’t think he could cry anymore.
“I will.”
However, moments later, Hyunseung doesn’t know why and how, but tears start welling in his eyes without him knowing. He’s thrown in Dongwoon’s arms and luckily the realization dawns on him on time to remind the boy the fact that one of the persons he loved most in this world’s about to leave him, and they can barely meet again, unless Hyunseung finishes his study soon and is able to find a scholarship to England.
Before he can control his feeling, Hyunseung has leaned on Dongwoon and cried as if he were his mother.
“I’m sorry Dongwoon. I really am.”
“It’s okay now hyung. It’s okay.”
Dongwoon coaxes him, his hand pets Hyunseung’s head in a loving manner. But somehow between the sweet words and warm embrace, Hyunseung knows that there’s nothing okay again. The younger boy leaves even before they could make up and be the same. Or actually, they can never be the same again. They did try and have always tried, but past is the past and there’s no treatment for the deep wounds they have left in each other’s soul. People used to say that there’re two things human can’t redo. One is gathering back the water having been spilled, and two is taking back all the words they have said.
Hyunseung looks up just to find Yoseob standing awkwardly near them. His eyes are still narrow and Hyunseung wonders briefly whether they suddenly become that small or the other is just staring dagger at him again.
Kikwang’s also standing nearby and it’s really the first time Hyunseung feels nothing against him, after months of hatred. The boy is holding a puzzle having been framed already and as it’s passed by Hyunseung to be given to Dongwoon, the brunette needs to blink twice, because he can’t believe in his eyes anymore and all of a sudden everything seems to be blurred again.
“It’s for you Dongwoon.”
“Thank you Kikwang.”
The taller boy says, his eyes never leaves the puzzle. It’s made from the picture of them, Yoseob, Dongwoon, Kikwang.
And Hyunseung.
(Later that night he receives a message from Yoseob:
“That morning when I saw you hug Dongwoon, I’ve wished that it were the hug three of us used to share together years before. I really miss the old days with you. Maybe I have been a jerk and making you cry, I just can’t adjust to the new situation immediately. It’s hard to be back with someone who you have given up long time ago. I know I’ve given you cold shoulders despite all your efforts to heal things up again, really. From now on we’ll try again, okay? Just take things slow.”)
***
“He looks so cute!”
Hyunseung exclaimed out of the blue while walking down the street with Junhyung. The Joker raised an eyebrow questioningly at him, before turning his gaze to where his friend was looking at. His eyes stopped at a small baby of a young couple passing by them.
“You want to have baby?”
“Yeah! They’re really cute!”
The boy said excitedly as if he were a five-year-old child and Junhyung chuckled lightly at the sight, because seriously, how could a child take care of another child?
“Thought you don’t want to get married?”
He asked in a playful manner. Hyunseung stared at his friend seriously while answering:
“There’s nothing related between me wanting to have a baby and me lacking interest of getting married.”
“Oh…”
Junhyung trailed off but Hyunseung had no longer paid attention to him, instead his eyes still followed the movement of the couple with the cute baby, until they disappeared completely into the sea of people. The two boys continued their journey without a word until the moment Junhyung suddenly said:
“It’s lucky that you’re not a girl.”
“Why?”
The other asked back confusedly but Junhyung didn’t answer him.
***
“What do you mean with it is lucky that I’m not a girl?”
Hyunseung asks while Junhyung’s buttoning up his shirt. The other doesn’t look at him, but instead at the mirror behind his back. He shrugs his shoulders lightly, voice flat and monotonous:
“Because you can’t get pregnant.”
Maybe Junhyung doesn’t know, but anyway, Hyunseung also doesn’t cry, because men just cry for things they need to, and surely what Junhyung has said isn’t in the list of appreciate things to cry for.
But why his eyes and his heart are both hurt?
***
Hyunseung’s harassed, out of everybody.
He didn’t understand even the slightest, because everything happened too quickly and he was still in a daze after having struggled to free himself. That person appeared from nowhere on his way back home on a late April night. Hyunseung didn’t notice whether he had been stalked, but that man surely knew by heart his routine, because just when the boy turned at the corner of Nanyang street, somebody had grabbed his wrist and pulled him back into a dark alley nearby.
He kissed Hyunseung forcefully while hands were travelling up and down his body. His hands are dirty, Hyunseung knew that, and he couldn’t let that man touch him.
Because there’s only one person in this world could touch like that.
He struggled against the deadly grip, pushing the other man with all his remained strength. He was tired after all day long learning and cleaning the lecture hall, but the thought of letting a stranger, not him, do some unappreciated things to his body disgusted the boy. There’s nobody around here to help him, and calling for help now is maybe a bit too late.
He heard the man on the ground groan in pain and something about paying back, and all he could do was running for his life.
***
“Junhyung ah, where are you?”
“What’s wrong Seung? Your voice sounds weird.”
“I’ve just…”
“I can’t hear anything Hyunseung. I’m busy now. We will talk later okay?”
And with that Junhyung hangs up. Hyunseung stares blankly at his cellphone for a while before shoving it back to his pocket. The boy slowly walks down the crowded street, thinking of what time he should call Junhyung. It’s 7.30PM now, maybe he should wait till 10PM. He should…
Junhyung’s going with another girl. On the other patch of this street.
There’s no need for a phone call anymore.
Hyunseung looks down at his slovenly clothes before turning to the skirt that girl’s wearing.
“He’s for sure doesn’t like you.”
Why does Seunghyun need to pop up in his mind right here, right now?
***
“Actually Hyunseung ah, I think you look like a puppy.”
Kikwang stated out of the blue and Yoseob nearly choked on a slice of bread, while Hyunseung couldn’t help but slap on the said boy’s arm, face flushed in embarrassment. Doojoon was no help here as he just rolled over his seat while laughing his head off, before adding more fuel to the fire:
“He looks like a chick.”
“Or rather a duckling.”
“You’re dead meat now Yoon Doojoon.”
The brunette warned half-heartedly and the oldest just pretended to cover his face with a book nearby, as if his friend-- were about to jab him to death with all the glares.
“They’re all right Seung ah.”
Junhyung laughed while Hyunseung just huffed annoyingly at the memory of the conversation. He was no longer Jang Hyunseung now, but rather Jang Puppy-seung, Jang Chick-seung and even Jang Duckling-seung.
“No need to make a fuss.”
“Do you know about ‘the ugly duckling’?”
Hyunseung asked and Junhyung stopped barely to finally realize what the other was aiming to. He shook his head lightly and pulled Hyunseung to lie closer to him, so close that the brunette could hear his heartbeat beating steadily against his ears.
“But one day the ugly duckling will turn into a swan, right?”
“Maybe.”
“You will, Seung ah. One day.”
And if I became a swan, would you look at me and like, like me?
***
But Hyunseung’s just a normal person with a pair of awkward legs and nerdy glasses, along with weird personality. He either isn’t a girl, and can never be a girl.
Not to mention Junhyung has never trusted him.
Has he ever told anything to Hyunseung about him?
Never.
People say they are close, but they’re wrong. People say Junhyung looks happy while being around him, but it’s just the tip of an iceberg. People say Hyunseung understands Junhyung the best.
But little do they know that he knows nothing about his friend. His 5-year good friend.
***
The sun raised maybe a little too early today. Hyunseung thought barely at the back of his head before going back to stare down at the creature lying peacefully beside him. Junhyung looked so innocent and like a small child while sleeping. His skin was pale, but in a nice way, and Hyunseung could see clearly the red marks he left last night on his throat and collarbone. His hair’s a bit damp and messy, but Hyunseung loved it and he knew he could run his fingers through it again and again, like he had always done for many times as Junhyung did magic to his body.
Hyunseung had never been the type of cuddle person, but that day, he’d prefer try at least one time. The boy inched closer to his friend, arms wrapped carefully around his torso. He just dared to drape his arms lightly without any force, because who knew, what if he squeezed his arms and Junhyung would disappear forever?
Please, just stay like this for a while. Not forever, but in a while. Please.
“You’re up early.”
Junhyung’s voice muffled in his pillow and Hyunseung smiled lightly at the other’s words.
He surely would miss his voice very much.
“I have something to do. Need to get back to the dorm early.”
“Oh…”
Junhyung trailed off before dripping off to the dreamland again. Hyunseung observed the other’s boy feature for a while, maybe 5 minutes, or 10, or maybe 20? He couldn’t tell clearly, because his heart suddenly ached too much.
His thin arms slowly moved away from Junhyung’s body. Hyunseung laid on the bed and stared at the other’s back, before actually rolling over and sitting up. The brunette looked around the room, Junhyung’s bedroom. He had been there for many times during those two years, and surely even when it’s just a place for them to have sex, it was still special to Hyunseung, by some means.
He thought briefly while gathering his clothes on the floor.
“Goodbye Junhyung.”
Hyunseung said faintly before locking the door behind his back.
***
“Hyunseung?”
The boy nearly jumps out of his skin and he needs to take some deep breath before turning around to look at the person who has just called him. Even after months of separation, that voice’s still kept at the back of his mind and he’s always remembered it. Because like Doojoon has said, if a story’s only full of sweet cotton candy, it’s too shallow to remember.
And surely Hyunseung’s story isn’t some kind of sweet candy.
“Hi.”
He waves back and sees a glint of hesitation in the other’s eyes before he actually continues:
“I’ve come to your dorm but your roommate told me that you had moved out.”
“I moved back to live with my parents. They want to take care of me more and I have nothing against the idea.”
“Oh…”
Again, they stand in awkward silence. Hyunseung’s mind tells him to give an excuse and leave immediately, but another part of his body, or exactly his heart, tells him to stay and wait.
But wait for what, when everything’s been over?
“I can’t call you.”
“I’ve changed my number.”
Hyunseung answered calmly. The other boy fumbles with his shirt for a while, seeming to debate whether or not he should say. But anyway, after all he still slips off the words:
“Do you still keep mine? You can call me to inform the new phone number and we can…”
“I’ve deleted your number Junhyung.” He pauses briefly, before adding more: “I need to go now. I have an important meeting downtown.”
“Oh, okay. So, see you later?”
“I don’t think so. Anyway, nice to meet you again. And goodbye.”
“Goodbye?”
“Goodbye.”
Junhyung eyes Hyunseung’s left hand stretched out to shake his one for a while, but he didn’t shake hands with the other and his used-to-be friend doesn’t seem to mind much. Because he’s quickly gone and never turned back to look at the other again.
Their lives, after all, are two parallel lines. They may run till the end of this world, but they can never meet each other and be one.
He’s a boy without a heart now, like Junhyung’s always been during these years.
END.