A boy without a heart (KyuWook version) - Oneshot
A boy without a heart | KyuWook | PG-13 (contains sexual reference) | romance, angst | 7,935 words.
A/n: the title’s taken from somewhere, I can’t bring myself to remember. It popped up randomly in my mind and I’m desperate to find a name, so here’s the result. The story’s written based on Ryeowook’s disordered memories, from both the past and the present, so bear with me the story’s messy and ugly. If there’s anything you feel confused, just comment and ask me directly :3
A boy without a heart:
Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever really loved?
사랑, 남들은 너무 쉬워
하지만 내겐 지워지지 않는 문신 같아
<
But for me, it’s like an unerasable tattoo.>>
Whenever after having done it, Kyuhyun will always be the one to stand up and wear his clothes first. While Ryeowook will still just lie on the bed and pretend to keep his eyes shut.
And every time like that, Ryeowook can’t help but feel irritated.
It isn’t like the shorter boy is the type of a cuddle person, nor he does want any kind of affections from Kyuhyun after the thing they have just done. He’s even far from it. Ryeowook knows clearly what he wants and what he thinks, in the most honest way. He’s clear and genuine and knows how to control his self.
However, it’s still hard for Ryeowook to make sense the feeling he has whenever seeing Kyuhyun turns his back toward him while trying to find his boxers in the dim room. He can’t understand the slightest, even when Kyuhyun has done with wearing all his clothes, and Ryeowook will still lies on the bed thinking over and over again. He can’t understand, even when Kyuhyun has already done his shoelaces and is standing in front of the entrance, twisting the doorknob.
He never and ever understands even when Kyuhyun has closed the door behind his back and leaves.
They are far from the words “lovers” after all, so Ryeowook finally concludes the he doesn’t need to find his answer anymore. The brunette thinks before standing up immediately to have a shower and clean his room. It always smells like sex and so does he, and Ryeowook doesn’t like the idea a little bit. Even when just couple of hours before he’s the one moaning and being writhing mess under the other, begging for more.
But besides that disgusted feeling he needs to get rid of, the boy still find another scent of another person lingering on his skin. And that’s why he needs to take a shower as soon as possible.
***
Colorful canvases were spread to prevent the heat from the sun above and all of a sudden the dull face of the school’s yard was replaced by a refreshing one, you could tell the change if watching from the 4th floor of a building nearby. Students were busy building, decorating their tents or just simply finishing their hand-made wares, before the fair really started, creating crowds here and there. MyeongDong turned 50 that year and the fair was just one of the occasions to celebrate the birth of the gifted high school.
People talking to each other joyfully, students from one booth came to another to introduce the goods they sold, the sensation of too many people gathering in a small place,… surely made a disaster to Ryeowook. The petite boy couldn’t help but thought while vaguely playing with a bamboo stick picked from nowhere. It wasn’t like he didn’t enjoy the fair, in fact to someone like Ryeowook, the fair was a great chance to skip class and have fun. It had been too long since the last time they had a proper break, after many examinations and projects. The problem here was just, well, there were also students from other schools nearby came to visit while his school was too small and the occasion gradually seemed to be messy and too annoyed, much to Ryeowook’s taste. So after all, from the person participating enthusiastically in the whole idea, the brunette decided to back off and just leave things for his classmates.
Ryeowook didn’t have anything for breakfast yet, and after having stood outside after, like 4 hours, without sitting did urge his stomach to yearn for some care. His tent, or actually his class’s tent, was about Korea’s traditions, so it wasn’t surprised much when they sold traditional foods. The boy would just need to sneak in and have some, but after debating for a while, Ryeowook decided to leave and go to another booth. Besides, he had already promised with Youngwoon to drop by and buy something for his class.
Ryeowook had never felt finding foods was hard like that day, after having some experiences from students of a class tried to pull him into their tent and have prophecy, while others nearly ripped his pants by keeping his leg to get his attention for their small bookshop. Not to mention the irritated look Youngwoon throwing at him after knowing the price his class sold a hotdog for Ryeowook (“How much does it cost?” he asked. “3 dollars.” “What the fuck??? They forced me to buy it with 6 dollars!!!” Youngwoon cried and Ryeowook gave him a pathetic look). Anyway, after going around to feed his little stomach, Ryeowook stopped by a booth to buy some drink. While waiting for his mocha, he looked around and noticed that the booth wasn’t belonged to any class, indeed its owner was the photography club. He had never come to the club, let alone knowing anybody in it, so the brunette curiously took some steps forward to have a better view of some photos pinned on the wall. His eyes travelled down to the table nearby and it immediately laid on a thick book with the sight of Paris printed on the cover. Ryeowook carefully took the books and opened it with his slender fingers, feeling slightly disappointed as it was written in French while others were still continuously bumping against him to buy the models of Eiffel tower also placed on the table.
Ryeowook was at the page showing the inside of Louvre when he felt the existence of another person beside him. Maybe it was just someone passing by to have a look, he thought and turned to the next page.
“If you need any help, just ask me.”
Ryeowook looked up to find a boy around his age smirking lightly at him, a glint of interest flashed in a pair of dark eyes. Later that day he learnt that the other’s name was Kyuhyun, he was a member of the photography club and major in French.
Good, because Ryeowook was major in English.
***
“So, Kyuhyun?”
“Kyuhyun what?”
Ryeowook grunts while continuing with his concentration to the textbook, ignoring the grin’s plastered Sungmin’s face. The other doesn’t seem to be faltered with his seatmate’s attitude much, as he still keeps his stupid grin while shifting in his seat to have a better view of Ryeowook’s face:
“I just want to know, how are you guys doing?”
“None of your business.”
“Oh...”
Without tearing his gaze from the book, Ryeowook still knows that Sungmin has turned back to his usual position with a dismayed pout. The shorter boy tends to say something to cover for his bitchy attitudes, but finally just mumbling something under his breath:
“Sometimes going out to have drinks, sometimes chattering a bit. That’s all. We’re good friends.”
Ryeowook says and all of a sudden wonders whether good friends have sex with each other for over a year.
Besides him the other boy hums lightly at the answer and he can’t help but give a small sigh. After all Sungmin is just his seatmate, there’s no need for Ryeowook to pour out his heart about his own affairs to him.
He turns his head a bit and stares intensely at the table of the next row. Heechul and Hankyung are laughing their heads off, probably about some lame jokes Siwon has just made.
“Recently I haven’t seen you go with Heechul and Hankyung.”
The sound of Sungmin’s voice faintly reaches Ryeowook’s ears and the brunette tears his gaze from the sight back to his neglected textbook.
“I still go home with them.”
He mutters and Sungmin asks nothing more.
***
The first time they did it, Ryeowook couldn’t tell if both of them were really drunk. He wasn’t, maybe. The boy actually hadn’t drunk much except for two glasses of soju, while Kyuhyun had already had some shots as their friends forced him. They were on their way celebrating the ending of the first year as university students until mid-night when all of their friends had come home and there were only two of them left behind (“Take him home for us.” Donghae said before going, leaving behind a dumbfounded Ryeowook and a half-drunk Kyuhyun).
Ryeowook didn’t remember clearly how it happened. How they left the club after paying the bill, how Kyuhyun pushed him back against the wall in a dark alley and kissed him with force, how they grinded their bodies together, how things were out of their handle, how they ended up in a cheap hotel stripping each other,… He couldn’t remember anything, but there were something for sure that a cheap hotel wasn’t in his list of appreciate places for having sex. And he wasn’t supposed to do those unappreciated things to one of his friends.
Ryeowook’s mind was clouded, but not because of the effect of alcohol. Maybe he felt his head spinning because of the sensation Kyuhyun gave him. He supposed that the other was too drunk to control his acts, but somehow between all the kisses and touches and thrusts, he couldn’t help but feel that Kyuhyun was sober.
Even sober than him.
***
That afternoon, Ryeowook goes downtown to reach the National Library. As the boy passes by a small café, his eyes caught sight of a familiar frame through the glass windows of the shop. However, the other boy seems to be oblivious to his look, because he still smiles his charming smile with the other people sitting around his table.
Well, double date? Ryeowook thinks vaguely before tearing his eyes from the sight. Somehow his intention of going to the library and borrows some books about European cultures for Kyuhyun had vanished into the thin air.
(“She looks nice.”
Later Ryeowook says while they’re lying on bed, only a thin sheet covers their bodies. Kyuhyun turns his head a bit to look at Ryeowook, humming lightly:
“So?”
“You two should hook up and do something like this.”
“I will not do anything like this with her.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s not you.”
Kyuhyun answers and all of a sudden Ryeowook disgusts with himself.)
Youngwoon texts Ryeowook out of the blue on a rainy day. They haven’t met each other for nearly two years after graduating from high school and Ryeowook has never had the idea of talking with the other again. He even doubts whether Youngwoon still kept his phone number.
However, he actually did. And Ryeowook didn’t know if he should be grateful for that.
They beat about the bush for a while until Youngwoon texts:
“Today I saw you go to school.”
“I didn’t see you.”
“Of course, you were going with Kyuhyun.”
Ryeowook doesn’t even understand the slightest why people always say that he doesn’t see anything whenever Kyuhyun’s around. No, thanks but he isn’t like that. He does see, he just doesn’t say.
But this time he really doesn’t see.
“Are you jealous?”
“Nope. It’s certain that to you I can’t be as attractive as him >:))”
“Shut.Up _”__”
“Buy me the collection of the Beatles :(( I gave mine to one of my friends.”
“If I loved you okay?”
“So you love me =))”
“Sorry but I love another person.”
“Who’s your victim? Not Kyuhyun, right? >:))”
Ryeowook’s taken aback slightly at the sudden question, but still decides to play along. After all it doesn’t hurt. At least now.
“What if it were him?”
“Nothing. I just think it will be one-sided. Because he’s for sure doesn’t like you.”
“So?”
“He likes another girl. Do you know?”
“I guess.”
“He studies in the same university with you and you know nothing?”
“It’s not like I don’t know. You’re the one saying crap here.”
“I’m more intelligent than you. Anyway, if I were you, I would never like Jo Kyuhyun.”
“Whatever. It’s not like we’re having affair.”
“I just say. Be careful.”
The last message surely gives Ryeowook a long sleepless night, even when he has already prepared for anything could happen.
***
“What the fuck is wrong with you???”
Ryeowook hissed as Heechul shoved him back against the wall and the shorter boy needed to bite back a cry of pain, both physically and mentally. Hankyung standing motionlessly beside Heechul was no help, even when he was the one Ryeowook always trusted and was believed to never leave him. But now the taller boy just stood there and gave him a judging look, along with his already wet eyes.
“We should be the one asking you that question. What.Is.Wrong.With.You.”
What’s wrong with me? Ryeowook’s head was spinning at the question and all of a sudden he just wanted to throw up with all the disgusted feeling gathered from his guts about himself. His hand stretched out to reach for the wall behind his back as he tried to support his body for a proper standing position.
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry because I have always hanged out with Sungmin recently and neglected you.” And I’m sorry because I can’t keep you guys by my side, instead letting Siwon replace my position in your hearts, and I’m sorry because I can make you understand me, because we’re best friends while we even can’t understand each other the slightest. Ryeowook wanted to shout all those thoughts at his friends, but his ego was too big to his own good and there’s no way Ryeowook admitted that he’s jealous and he was defeated. Siwon was nothing to Ryeowook. How could he ever think of stealing his friends away from him? He would soon win Heechul and Hankyung back, because they were brothers and nothing could break that fact.
Nothing, unless it came from one of them.
“Shut up Kim Ryeowook! You know nothing.”
“Sorry but yes I know.”
He bit back and Hankyung trailed off quietly behind Heechul:
“You’re no longer the Kim Ryeowook we used to know.”
And you’re no longer the brothers I used to know.
“We know things can change easily and nothing’s forever, but Ryeowook, how can you become like this?”
“I’m still myself.”
“No you are not. You’re different now. I can’t tell exactly, but it’s the fact.”
Heechul said, his voice was softened a bit as Hankyung had placed a hand on his shoulder as an act of soothing.
“We’ve already told you to stay away from him.”
And I’ve told you already that I can’t leave him.
“Sungmin? Why? I think there’s nothing wrong with me hanging out with him.”
“You know clearly that we aren’t talking about Sungmin.”
Yes I know, and can you just shut up?
“He’s my friend.”
Ryeowook muttered under his breath. He heard a long sigh coming from Hankyung.
“So you chose him instead of us.”
“There’s nothing to choose here Heechul. You’re my friends and he’s also my friend, both are important to me equally. How can I say that I will leave the other?”
The petite boy said, his voice cracked and a trail of tears unexpectedly fell down his cheeks. It’s so wrong, because he wasn’t supposed to cry here, in front of his friends. Somehow, between the feeling the disappointed feeling he had about himself and the reality, Ryeowook still expected that Hankyung would walk to him and gave him a warm hug, while Heechul would coax him with all the soothing words, saying that everything would be alright soon and they would be the same like nothing had happened.
But his shoulders were cold and his friends were still standing opposite him, watching with stoic.
Even when it just took three steps to stand beside them, Ryeowook felt as if they were too far away for him to reach.
“He’s more important than us to you. You always talk about him and only him while we’re around. I know he’s handsome and intelligent and he’s known you longer than us. But can you just shut up? We’re really tired. It’s like even how hard we tried we still could never be as good as him.”
“No you’re wrong.”
“He’s a bastard and you still love him. It’s unfair to us.”
There’s no fair in this world.
“I don’t love him Heechul. I really don’t.”
It was the truth. Ryeowook didn’t love him.
“He calls you and you immediately run to him. While there’s no such a thing like that when it comes to us.”
So what about all the Siwon-thingy of you? He’s good, right? He follows you everywhere and you now even replace me by him. You never waited for me, but instead now waiting for him. You laugh with him instead of me… Is it called as betrayal?
“Can we just act as if nothing happened?”
Ryeowook said after a while of utter silence. His shoulders were shaking and tears still kept falling even when he had tried to hold back his sobs
“Nothing can be the same Ryeowook. Nothing.”
Somehow Ryeowook just wished Kyuhyun was here, even when he was the main cause of all those things.
However, Kyuhyun had never been there whenever Ryeowook needed him.
(Later that night Hankyung called him, for the first time after 2 months. He said Heechul had reconsidered and they would try again, if it could help their friendship. The next day Ryeowook came to sit in the same table with them at lunch time, but things were too awkward for his own good and Siwon was annoyingly clingy to Heechul. After 15 minutes Ryeowook decided to leave and nobody chased after him. Because nobody really cared.)
***
“You don’t need to cry because of them.”
Another long night filled with kisses and touches, and now Ryeowook’s lying next to Kyuhyun as if it were the most natural thing in this world. They met on half-way home at late autumn evening, and the frustrated look Ryeowook wore on his face was really something to care about. Or rather, Ryeowook doubts whether Kyuhyun really noticed and considered it as something serious. Maybe he just wanted to get rid of his own sexual frustration, and there couldn’t be any better occasion than this.
(“I will make you feel better.”
He whispered hotly against Ryeowook’s skin while trailing sloppy kisses down his torso and the brunette bit is lips till it bled. He should have shoved Kyuhyun off of his body, but he didn’t and couldn’t.)
“They’re my friends, I can’t. Besides, it’s my fault. They’re really good buddies.”
Ryeowook protected his 5-year friend from Heechul and Hankyung. And now he’s protecting them from Kyuhyun.
“They don’t seem to be fond of me much.”
They hate you.
“Every people have their own impression of others. Maybe they don’t have a good one of you.”
“Why?”
“How can I know.”
Ryeowook laughs, thick and low. He knows, he just can’t say.
“Anyway, I don’t have any idea how you can be that hyper sensitive. And what’s actually the problem here?”
You, Ryeowook thinks briefly. It’s you.
But at the same time he knows he would never bring himself to say something like this, because Kyuhyun is clueless. He isn’t innocent in this story but he’s clueless, and that’s enough for Ryeowook not to throw his friend into the argument.
“It’s complicated, I can’t tell.”
He rolls over, his back is now facing Kyuhyun. And once in a while, he thinks of Sungmin and Youngwoon.
“If you think you can, be friends again. If you think you can’t effort anymore, back off. There’re still many friends out here to choose and start a new relationship.”
Kyuhyun words are genuine and clear, like ice and Ryeowook wanders aimlessly whether the other has ever thought about dumping him to get another friend. The jet black haired boy says too easily as if he could do it without thinking.
“You know, it’s not like I can’t find someone to have fun with. It’s even the easiest thing in this world. Just need to smile and feign innocent, and there’s many people around here to talk to and laugh along with. But it’s hard to find a real friend, because friends need to understand each other. Lovers may not understand each other, but friends need to. I used to think that I understand them and vice versa, but I’m wrong.”
And I always hope that you could be the one understanding me. But it seems that you can’t.
“I always treat you right.”
Kyuhyun states out of the blue and Ryeowook’s words slip off his tongue without him thinking:
“No, you don’t.”
“Don’t lie.”
The other boy mumbles in a joking tone as he turns Ryeowook to face him again. Kyuhyun uses his thumb to trace the feature of Ryeowook’s face lovingly and it gives the other light goose bumps:
“Don’t cry anymore, ‘kay?”
You’re one of the reasons why I cry.
“Maybe.”
***
The fact that Ryeowook cried actually wasn’t known by only himself, Heechul and Hankyung. Sungmin knew, or rather, he saw.
“Why did you cry?”
He asked days later after seeing Ryeowook suffering lunch time with his old friends and Siwon. The brunette would just feign innocent as he usually did and act as if he heard nothing, but the next sentence Sungmin said did gnaw at his heart:
“Is it because of me? If you need, you can change your seat back to them.”
“Don’t misunderstand Sungmin. There’s nothing with you.”
“So?”
Ryeowook bit his lower lip while looking at Sungmin. They had already known each other for 3 years and been seatmates for more than six months. Sungmin could be a jerk and sometimes too greasy, much to Ryeowook’s taste. But he was a good buddy and Ryeowook was frustrated with the fact that he couldn’t tell anybody about what he had to suffer. He couldn’t tell Heechul or Hankyung, because they didn’t understand and they were still on half-way healing their broken friendship, let alone Kyuhyun. Ryeowook was trapped in his world and nobody could listen to him.
But, could Sungmin?
Ryeowook didn’t want to be judged anymore, and he also didn’t want the other have wrong impressions about his friends. They were all good, and if anybody needed to die here, it was him.
Anyway, he told, and the other listened.
“Your ego and their ego are too big. You just can’t admit that you need them, and neither do they.”
“I know.”
He muttered while looking at anywhere but Sungmin’s face. He couldn’t dare, because what if Sungmin was looking at him with the same look Heechul threw at him days before?
“You should stop your relationship with Jo Kyuhyun.”
“Sungmin…”
“I know what you want to say. You guys are friends, but Kyuhyun is kind of… He’s heedless and you’ve given him too much attention. One day it will kill you.”
It actually did kill me.
“I’m trying Sungmin.”
He actually did. Ryeowook hadn’t met Kyuhyun for almost two weeks and he had tried to avoid any way he could bump into the other.
“I have the feeling that he’s a sex obsessive.”
Ryeowook’s shoulders tensed up at the statement and he tried to give a dry laugh:
“Really? I don’t think so…”
“You haven’t gone that far, have you?”
If sleeping with one of your good friends over a year didn’t count as “have gone too far” thingy, the shorter boy thought but still nodded his head lightly.
***
It’s the ending of the first semester when Ryeowook’s university decides to hold a small military training class for third year students. It’s definitely the last thing their students had ever expected, so all of them keep on lamenting for their unfortunate. With all these boys and girls who’re just barely 21, they’d prefer stay in door with air-conditioner, playing or learning to going outside, sitting on the school yard and letting the heat of the summer tortures their bodies. Anyway, even when bitching about the course, the students still need to fulfill their task. And Ryeowook is no exception here.
The brunette’s watching other students do the exercises their instructor forces them when suddenly someone pulls his hand from behind. He turns around and notices that it’s Hyukjae. The other boy’s holding a can of coke.
“It’s yours.”
He says with a poker face and Ryeowook needs to blink twice before adjusting fully the words, because he hardly knows Hyukjae and there’s no way the other bought him drink, unless…
“Kyuhyun told me to give it to you.”
As if seeing through the meaning of questioning look Ryeowook’s wearing on his face, Hyukjae quickly says. Ryeowook carefully receives the can in Hyukjae’s hand and bows lightly at the other as an act of thanks before taking a small glance at the person standing not far from his spot much. Kyuhyun’s talking to a student in his photography club, black hair glinted under the sunshine and identical smirk has never left his face.
The petite boy turns the Coke upside down just to find a small note stuck at its bottom:
“Happy birthday Ryeowook ^_^”
And he can’t help but smile. These little things surely have never failed in bringing smile back to his face.
***
“I can’t believe that you actually give me the coke.”
Ryeowook said, a glint of happiness flashed in his eyes and Kyuhyun laughed lightly:
“I know my friend’s thirsty.”
“Thanks.”
They were sitting in a quiet bar after the military training class. It’s already mid-night but both of the boys were still deep in celebrating Ryeowook’s birthday. Actually from the back of his head, Ryeowook had already told himself to invite Heechul and Hankyung, but then he remembered that they both hated Kyuhyun. Sungmin wasn’t a bad choice, however, he barely knew Kyuhyun and Ryeowook doubted whether he wanted to spend hours drinking with the pale boy.
Besides, it had been a long time they met each other not because of it, but because of something meaningful. At least to Ryeowook.
“Have you hooked up with anybody recently?”
Ryeowook asked and his heart didn’t ache even once. It’s a good sight, right?
“No, I’m busy Wook.”
“What about the girl days before?”
“There’s nothing. She’s a freshman. And I don’t think that I will date anybody now.”
“We’re young Kyuhyun, there’s nothing for sure right now.”
Yeah, nothing. What if one day I wake up and find myself in love with you?
“No, seriously, I think it’s too stupid to date somebody for years and then dump them easily. If I date a person, that person will be the one I will get married.”
Ah, that’s the point here.
“Don’t force yourself like that. You should… like, open your heart (Ryeowook immediately cursed himself for having hanging around too much with Sungmin. Now he even talked like Sungmin) and try to accept others’ feeling. I think having somebody to share your feelings is way better.”
You can just tell me your problems and we can share. But surely you don’t want to.
“What about you?”
“About what?”
“Marriage and love?”
“I don’t want to get married.”
Ryeowook said matter-of-factly and Kyuhyun needed to keep a straight face while mimicking the other’s words:
“We’re young Ryeowook, there’s nothing for sure right now.”
The pretty boy laughed lightly and slapped his friend at arm. Kyuhyun faked a small cry of pain, but the genuine smile had never left his face as he stared at Ryeowook.
“I don’t want to Kyuhyun, seriously. Marriage sucks.”
“Want to have a bet? What if you get married?”
“I will not Soo, really. I can love, but don’t force me to get married.”
“You’re weird.”
“And so are you.”
“That’s why we’re friends, right?”
“Maybe.”
***
It’s the rehearsal of Ryeowook’s musical and Kyuhyun promises to watch.
That day the brunette has forgotten his line two times, tripping over things and falling off stage several times. Nobody knows exactly what happened to Kim Ryeowook, the lead actor who’s always perfect and has learnt the script by all his heart. The boy himself is also unable to explain his behaviors. “Maybe I’m a bit tired, yesterday I couldn’t sleep.” He tells the director and he nods his head understandingly, but his look is judging and the boy has to turn away, because he knows clearly it’s his fault. There’s no such a thing like “staying up late last night”, but there’s a fact that Kyuhyun’s seat is empty. He did come, and he left even before it came to Ryeowook’s part.
It’s okay, he tells himself. It doesn’t matter if Kyuhyun doesn’t watch. It’s just the rehearsal and not a big deal.
Anyway, he keeps on falling and making mistakes.
Days later and the main performance comes, Kyuhyun doesn’t leave. He has stayed till the curtain comes down, but Ryeowook doesn’t know whether he should feel happy or annoyed, because sitting beside his friend is one of the girl he actually liked when they were in high school. Ryeowook hears nothing, he can only saw, and luckily that he’s steady that day. Because if not then he would just collapse right there, because Kyuhyun keeps smiling at her all the time and they look like a real couple.
(“You look hot today.”
Kyuhyun mumbles against his skin as he pins his friend down on the mattress and Ryeowook needs to bite back a trail of bitter laughter. You really watched me? And excuse me, but Victorian costumes aren’t something to be called as “hot”. He wants to scoff back, but deep down his guts, Ryeowook knows that he can’t bring himself to say.
He just couldn’t dare.
“You’re a liar Kyuhyun.”
And Kyuhyun says nothing.)
***
“Hankyung’s leaving, like, the next weekend.”
Kibum talked to Sungmin one day before class started and it was unluckily lucky that Ryeowook was also sitting there. The statement took him aback and the boy was too shocked to say a single word. It wasn’t that he didn’t know Hankyung was about to study abroad, but they talked about it three months ago and Hankyung said he would leave the next year. Not the end of that month, that October.
Under the table he could feel Sungmin’s hand squeeze his own one lightly. Ryeowook looked up from his book and spare a questioning glance at his seatmate, but Sungmin didn’t look at him, instead at Kibum as the other was still talking.
“Ryeowook ah, have you bought any present for him?”
The mention of his name pulled Ryeowook back to the reality and he gave Kibum a confused look before mumbling as if he had known for a while. Indeed he knew nothing:
“I’m still thinking, it’s hard.”
He needed to act as if he had already known. It’s the least he could do to protect his remain ego and self-respect. He couldn’t let anybody know that he had been completely pushed out of his friends’ life.
“I saw Heechul buy a couple shirts for Hankyung. They wore them and even took selca.”
So that’s the answer for Hankyung’s Twitter userpic recently.
“And Siwon made a cup having their photos printed on, along with a puzzle made from one of their photos.”
It’s enough. Enough.
Later that day when the lecture was over, Ryeowook stood up from his seat as fast as he could, stuffing all his books and tests and papers in the schoolbag. He always went home with Heechul and Hankyung, even how much the boy felt betrayed and hurt, he still tried to cover them with silly smiles and laughter. But today he couldn’t.
He couldn’t stand anymore.
“Hyung ah, I have something at home today, need to go first.”
Ryeowook mumbled under his breath and Hankyung stopped laughing with Siwon to look up at him. He eyed his friend with concern, and even though how much Ryeowook used to love that look, all he wanted to do now was tearing the other’s face and burning it with fire, until there’s no trace of it in this world.
Liar.
“Are you okay Wook? You don’t look fine much.”
Shut up, can you??? You’re disgusting me.
“I’m fine. Just…tired.”
After all Ryeowook was just a coward.
The boy said and immediately ran out from the lecture hall without looking back to meet the confused gaze Heechul and Hankyung gave each other. He ran and ran, until there’s somebody behind holding his wrist back. That hand’s warm and even when Ryeowook tried to struggle, he still barely, just barely, hoped that that person would never let him go.
And he hoped that that person was Kyuhyun.
“Thought you guys were supposed to be best friends forever.”
The other voiced and Ryeowook’s muscle tensed up, just a little bit.
How could he bring himself too much hope like that?
“Sungmin ah, let me go.”
He whispered and Sungmin still stayed the same.
“You guys were supposed to be best friends.”
“Please, Sungmin. Just, please.”
Ryeowook turned back to give the other a desperate look, his eyes were stung now and he thought he couldn’t hold back anymore. Every word the blonde said was like nothing but daggers stabbing in his heart.
Sungmin was taken aback after seeing his face and slowly he released the firm grip on Ryeowook’s wrist. Without saying anything, Ryeowook started running again.
Ryeowook’s glad that at the moment he came back his dorm, his roommate was still in his shift of a part-time job. Because after skipping upstairs and locking himself in his room, Ryeowook started crying. He cried loudly, rather howling. When the boy was still a child, one of his cousins used to tell him that if the hurt was too much to handle, crying out loud was the best way to relieve the stress. So he tried, for the first time in his life. He cried until his voice was hoarse and the brunette couldn’t open his eyes again properly.
But the pain still weighed heavily upon his shoulders and Ryeowook knew there’s no way he could get rid of it.
Maybe the death could help.
Where’s Kyuhyun?
Ryeowook reached for his cellphone and started dialing the number of Kyuhyun’s dorm. It was already 6PM and the other was properly at home now.
But nobody answered his call and Ryeowook threw his phone at the wall. It broke into pieces but the boy didn’t care anymore.
***
On the day when the departure of Hankyung happens, he comes to the university to bid farewell with friends for the last time.
“Don’t cry.”
Sungmin told Ryeowook before Hankyung came and the shorter boy smiled slightly at him. His tears had been already dried up and he didn’t think he could cry anymore.
“I will.”
However, moments later, Ryeowook doesn’t know why and how, but tears start falling from his eyes without him knowing. He’s thrown in Hankyung’s arms and luckily the realization dawns on him on time to remind the boy the fact that one of the persons he loved most in this world’s about to leave him, and they can barely meet again, unless Ryeowook finishes his study soon and is able to find a scholarship to England.
Before he can control his feeling, Ryeowook has leaned on Hankyung and cried as if he were his mother.
“I’m sorry hyung. I really am.”
“It’s okay now Wook. It’s okay.”
Hankyung coaxes him, his hand pets Ryeowook’s head in a loving manner. But somehow between the sweet words and warm embrace, Ryeowook knows that there’s nothing okay again. The older boy leaves even before they could make up and be the same. Or actually, they can never be the same again. They did try and have always tried, but past is the past and there’s no treatment for the deep wounds they have left in each other’s soul. People used to say that there’re two things human can’t redo. One is gathering back the water having been spilled, and two is taking back all the words they have said.
Ryeowook looks up just to find Heechul standing awkwardly near them. His eyes are still narrow and Ryeowook wonders briefly whether they suddenly become that small or the older are just staring dagger at him again.
Siwon’s also standing nearby and it’s really the first time Ryeowook feels nothing against him, after months of hatred. The boy is holding a puzzle having been framed already and as it’s passed by Ryeowook to be given to Hankyung, the brunette needs to blink twice, because he can’t believe in his eyes anymore and all of a sudden everything seems to be blurred again.
“It’s for you Hankyung.”
“Thank you Siwon.”
The older boy says, his eyes never leaves the puzzle. It’s made from the picture of them, Heechul, Hankyung, Siwon.
And Ryeowook.
(Later that night he receives a message from Heechul:
“That morning when I saw you hug Hankyung, I’ve wished that it were the hug three of us used to share together years before. I really miss the old days with you. Maybe I have been a jerk and making you cry, I just can’t adjust to the new situation immediately. It’s hard to be back with someone who you have given up long time ago. I know I’ve given you cold shoulders despite all your efforts to heal things up again, really. From now on we’ll try again, okay? Just take things slow.”)
***
“He looks so cute!”
Ryeowook exclaimed out of the blue while walking down the street with Kyuhyun. The taller boy raised an eyebrow questioningly at him, before turning his gaze to where his friend was looking at. His eyes stopped at a small baby of a young couple passing by them.
“You want to have baby?”
“Yeah! They’re really cute!”
The petite boy said excitedly as if he were a five-year-old child and Kyuhyun chuckled lightly at the sight, because seriously, how can a child take care of another child?
“Thought you don’t want to get married?”
He asked in a playful manner. Ryeowook stared at his friend seriously while answering:
“There’s nothing related between me wanting to have a baby and me lacking interest of getting married.”
“Oh…”
Kyuhyun trailed off but Ryeowook had no longer paid attention to him, instead his eyes still followed the movement of the couple with the cute baby, until they disappeared completely into the sea of people. The two boys continued their journey without a word until the moment Kyuhyun suddenly said:
“It’s lucky that you’re not a girl.”
“Why?”
The other asked back confusedly but Kyuhyun didn’t answer him.
***
“What do you mean with it is lucky that I’m not a girl?”
Ryeowook asks while Kyuhyun’s buttoning up his shirt. The other doesn’t look at him, but instead at the mirror behind his back. He shrugs his shoulders lightly, voice flat and monotonous:
“Because you can’t get pregnant.”
Maybe Kyuhyun doesn’t know, but anyway, Ryeowook also doesn’t cry, because men just cries for things they need to, and surely what Kyuhyun has said isn’t in the list of appreciate things to cry for.
But why his eyes and his heart are both hurt?
***
Ryeowook’s harassed, out of everybody.
He didn’t understand even the slightest, because everything happened too quickly and he was still in a daze after having struggled to free himself. That person appeared from nowhere on his way back home on a late April night. Ryeowook didn’t notice whether he had been stalked, but that man surely knew by heart his routine, because just when the boy turned at the corner of Nanyang street, somebody had grabbed his wrist and pulled him back into a dark alley nearby.
He kissed Ryeowook forcefully while hands were travelling up and down his body. His hands’re dirty, Ryeowook knew that, and he couldn’t let that man touch him.
Because there’s only one person in this world could touch like that.
He struggled against the deadly grip, pushing the other man with all his remained strength. He was tired after all day long learning and cleaning the lecture hall, but the thought of letting a stranger, not him, do some unappreciated things to his body disgusted the boy. There’s nobody around here to help him, and calling for help now is maybe a bit too late.
He heard the man on the ground groan in pain and something about paying back, and all he could do was running for his life.
***
“Kyuhyun ah, where are you?”
“What’s wrong Wook? Your voice sounds weird.”
“I’ve just…”
“I can’t hear anything Ryeowook. I’m busy now. We will talk later okay?”
And with that Kyuhyun hangs up. Ryeowook stares blankly at his cellphone for a while before shoving it back to his pocket. The boy slowly walks down the crowded street, thinking of what time he should call Kyuhyun. It’s 7.30PM now, maybe he should wait till 10PM. He should…
Kyuhyun’s going with another girl. On the other patch of this street.
And there’s no need for a phone call anymore.
Ryeowook looks down at his slovenly clothes before turning to the skirt that girl’s wearing.
“He’s for sure doesn’t like you.”
Why does Youngwoon need to pop up in his mind right here, right now?
***
“Actually Ryeowook ah, I think you look like a puppy.”
Siwon stated out of the blue and Heechul nearly choked on a slice of bread, while Ryeowook couldn’t help but slap on the said boy’s arm, face flushed in embarrassment. Sungmin was no help here as he just rolled over his seat while laughing his head off, before adding more fuel to the fire:
“He looks like a chick.”
“Or rather a duckling.”
“You’re dead meat now hyung.”
The brunette warned half-heartedly and the oldest just pretended to cover his face with a book nearby, as if his dongsaeng were about to jab him to death with all the glares.
“They’re all right Wook ah.”
Kyuhyun laughed while Ryeowook just huffed annoyingly at the memory of the conversation. He was no longer Kim Ryeowook now, but rather Kim Puppy-wook, Kim Chick-wook and even Kim Duckling-wook.
“No need to make a fuss.”
“Do you know about ‘Ugly duckling’?”
Ryeowook asked and Kyuhyun stopped barely to finally realize what the other was aiming to. He shook his head lightly and pulled Ryeowook to lie closer to him, so close that the shorter boy could hear his heartbeat beating steadily against his ears.
“But one day the ugly duckling will turn into a swan, right?”
“Maybe.”
“You will, Wook ah. One day.”
If I became a swan, would you look at me and like, like me?
***
But Ryeowook’s an ugly person with a pair of awkwardly too short legs, thin body and high-pitched voice, along with annoyed personality. He either isn’t a girl, and can never be a girl.
Not to mention Kyuhyun has never trusted him.
Has he ever told anything to Ryeowook about him?
Never.
People say they are close, but they’re wrong. People say Kyuhyun looks happy while being around him, but it’s just the tip of an iceberg. People say Ryeowook understands Kyuhyun the best.
But little do they know that he knows nothing about his friend. His 5-year good friend.
***
The sun rose maybe a little too early today. Ryeowook thought barely at the back of his head before going back to stare down at the creature lying peacefully beside him. Kyuhyun looked so innocent and like an angel while sleeping. His skin was pale, but in a nice way, and Ryeowook could see clearly the red marks he left last night on his throat and collarbone. His hair’s a bit damp and messy, but Ryeowook loved it and he knew he could run his fingers through it again and again, like he had always done for many times as Kyuhyun did magic to his body.
Ryeowook had never been the type of cuddle person, but that day, he’d prefer try at least one time. The boy inched closer to his friend, arms wrapped carefully around his torso. He just dared to drape his arms lightly without any force, because who knew, what if he squeezed his arms and Kyuhyun would disappear forever?
Please, just stay like this for a while. Not forever, but in a while. Please.
“You’re up early.”
Kyuhyun’s voice muffled in his pillow and Ryeowook smiled lightly at the other’s words.
He surely would miss his voice very much.
“I have something to do. Need to get back to the dorm early.”
“Oh…”
Kyuhyun trailed off before dripping off to the dreamland again. Ryeowook observed the other’s boy feature for a while, maybe 5 minutes, or 10, or maybe 20? He couldn’t tell clearly, because his heart suddenly ached too much.
His thin arms slowly moved away from Kyuhyun’s body. Ryeowook laid on the bed and stared at the other’s back, before actually rolling over and sitting up. The brunette looked around the room, Kyuhyun’s bedroom. He had been there for many times during those two years, and surely even when it’s just a place for them to have sex, it was still special to Ryeowook, by some means.
He thought briefly while gathering his clothes on the floor.
“Goodbye Kyuhyun.”
Ryeowook said faintly before locking the door behind his back.
***
“Ryeowook?”
The boy nearly jumps out of his skin and he needs to take some deep breath before turning around to look at the person who has just called him. Even after months of separation, that voice’s still kept at the back of his mind and he’s always remembered it. Because like Sungmin has said, if a story’s only full of sweet cotton candy, it’s too shallow to remember.
And surely Ryeowook’s story isn’t some kind of sweet candy.
“Hi.”
He waves back and sees a glint of hesitation in the other’s eyes before he actually continues:
“I’ve come to your dorm but your roommate told me that you had moved out.”
“I moved back to live with my parents. They want to take care of me more and I have nothing against the idea.”
“Oh…”
Again, they stand in awkward silence. Ryeowook’s mind tells him to give an excuse and leave immediately, but another part of his body, or exactly his heart, tells him to stay and wait.
But wait for what, when everything’s been over?
“I can’t call you.”
“I’ve changed my number.”
Ryeowook answered calmly. The other boy fumbles with his shirt for a while, seeming to debate whether or not he should say. But anyway, after all he still slips off the words:
“Do you still keep mine? You can call me to inform the new phone number and we can…”
“I’ve deleted your number Kyuhyun.” He pauses briefly, before adding more: “I need to go now. I have an important meeting downtown.”
“Oh, okay. So, see you later?”
“I don’t think so. Anyway, nice to meet you again. And goodbye.”
“Goodbye?”
“Goodbye.”
Kyuhyun eyes Ryeowook’s left hand stretched out to shake his one for a while, but he didn’t shake hands with the other and his used-to-be friend doesn’t seem to mind much. Because he’s quickly gone and never turned back to look at the other again.
He’s a boy without a heart now, like Kyuhyun’s always been.
A/n: the title’s taken from somewhere, I can’t bring myself to remember. It popped up randomly in my mind and I’m desperate to find a name, so here’s the result. The story’s written based on Ryeowook’s disordered memories, from both the past and the present, so bear with me the story’s messy and ugly. If there’s anything you feel confused, just comment and ask me directly :3
A boy without a heart:
Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever really loved?
사랑, 남들은 너무 쉬워
하지만 내겐 지워지지 않는 문신 같아
<
But for me, it’s like an unerasable tattoo.>>
Whenever after having done it, Kyuhyun will always be the one to stand up and wear his clothes first. While Ryeowook will still just lie on the bed and pretend to keep his eyes shut.
And every time like that, Ryeowook can’t help but feel irritated.
It isn’t like the shorter boy is the type of a cuddle person, nor he does want any kind of affections from Kyuhyun after the thing they have just done. He’s even far from it. Ryeowook knows clearly what he wants and what he thinks, in the most honest way. He’s clear and genuine and knows how to control his self.
However, it’s still hard for Ryeowook to make sense the feeling he has whenever seeing Kyuhyun turns his back toward him while trying to find his boxers in the dim room. He can’t understand the slightest, even when Kyuhyun has done with wearing all his clothes, and Ryeowook will still lies on the bed thinking over and over again. He can’t understand, even when Kyuhyun has already done his shoelaces and is standing in front of the entrance, twisting the doorknob.
He never and ever understands even when Kyuhyun has closed the door behind his back and leaves.
They are far from the words “lovers” after all, so Ryeowook finally concludes the he doesn’t need to find his answer anymore. The brunette thinks before standing up immediately to have a shower and clean his room. It always smells like sex and so does he, and Ryeowook doesn’t like the idea a little bit. Even when just couple of hours before he’s the one moaning and being writhing mess under the other, begging for more.
But besides that disgusted feeling he needs to get rid of, the boy still find another scent of another person lingering on his skin. And that’s why he needs to take a shower as soon as possible.
***
Colorful canvases were spread to prevent the heat from the sun above and all of a sudden the dull face of the school’s yard was replaced by a refreshing one, you could tell the change if watching from the 4th floor of a building nearby. Students were busy building, decorating their tents or just simply finishing their hand-made wares, before the fair really started, creating crowds here and there. MyeongDong turned 50 that year and the fair was just one of the occasions to celebrate the birth of the gifted high school.
People talking to each other joyfully, students from one booth came to another to introduce the goods they sold, the sensation of too many people gathering in a small place,… surely made a disaster to Ryeowook. The petite boy couldn’t help but thought while vaguely playing with a bamboo stick picked from nowhere. It wasn’t like he didn’t enjoy the fair, in fact to someone like Ryeowook, the fair was a great chance to skip class and have fun. It had been too long since the last time they had a proper break, after many examinations and projects. The problem here was just, well, there were also students from other schools nearby came to visit while his school was too small and the occasion gradually seemed to be messy and too annoyed, much to Ryeowook’s taste. So after all, from the person participating enthusiastically in the whole idea, the brunette decided to back off and just leave things for his classmates.
Ryeowook didn’t have anything for breakfast yet, and after having stood outside after, like 4 hours, without sitting did urge his stomach to yearn for some care. His tent, or actually his class’s tent, was about Korea’s traditions, so it wasn’t surprised much when they sold traditional foods. The boy would just need to sneak in and have some, but after debating for a while, Ryeowook decided to leave and go to another booth. Besides, he had already promised with Youngwoon to drop by and buy something for his class.
Ryeowook had never felt finding foods was hard like that day, after having some experiences from students of a class tried to pull him into their tent and have prophecy, while others nearly ripped his pants by keeping his leg to get his attention for their small bookshop. Not to mention the irritated look Youngwoon throwing at him after knowing the price his class sold a hotdog for Ryeowook (“How much does it cost?” he asked. “3 dollars.” “What the fuck??? They forced me to buy it with 6 dollars!!!” Youngwoon cried and Ryeowook gave him a pathetic look). Anyway, after going around to feed his little stomach, Ryeowook stopped by a booth to buy some drink. While waiting for his mocha, he looked around and noticed that the booth wasn’t belonged to any class, indeed its owner was the photography club. He had never come to the club, let alone knowing anybody in it, so the brunette curiously took some steps forward to have a better view of some photos pinned on the wall. His eyes travelled down to the table nearby and it immediately laid on a thick book with the sight of Paris printed on the cover. Ryeowook carefully took the books and opened it with his slender fingers, feeling slightly disappointed as it was written in French while others were still continuously bumping against him to buy the models of Eiffel tower also placed on the table.
Ryeowook was at the page showing the inside of Louvre when he felt the existence of another person beside him. Maybe it was just someone passing by to have a look, he thought and turned to the next page.
“If you need any help, just ask me.”
Ryeowook looked up to find a boy around his age smirking lightly at him, a glint of interest flashed in a pair of dark eyes. Later that day he learnt that the other’s name was Kyuhyun, he was a member of the photography club and major in French.
Good, because Ryeowook was major in English.
***
“So, Kyuhyun?”
“Kyuhyun what?”
Ryeowook grunts while continuing with his concentration to the textbook, ignoring the grin’s plastered Sungmin’s face. The other doesn’t seem to be faltered with his seatmate’s attitude much, as he still keeps his stupid grin while shifting in his seat to have a better view of Ryeowook’s face:
“I just want to know, how are you guys doing?”
“None of your business.”
“Oh...”
Without tearing his gaze from the book, Ryeowook still knows that Sungmin has turned back to his usual position with a dismayed pout. The shorter boy tends to say something to cover for his bitchy attitudes, but finally just mumbling something under his breath:
“Sometimes going out to have drinks, sometimes chattering a bit. That’s all. We’re good friends.”
Ryeowook says and all of a sudden wonders whether good friends have sex with each other for over a year.
Besides him the other boy hums lightly at the answer and he can’t help but give a small sigh. After all Sungmin is just his seatmate, there’s no need for Ryeowook to pour out his heart about his own affairs to him.
He turns his head a bit and stares intensely at the table of the next row. Heechul and Hankyung are laughing their heads off, probably about some lame jokes Siwon has just made.
“Recently I haven’t seen you go with Heechul and Hankyung.”
The sound of Sungmin’s voice faintly reaches Ryeowook’s ears and the brunette tears his gaze from the sight back to his neglected textbook.
“I still go home with them.”
He mutters and Sungmin asks nothing more.
***
The first time they did it, Ryeowook couldn’t tell if both of them were really drunk. He wasn’t, maybe. The boy actually hadn’t drunk much except for two glasses of soju, while Kyuhyun had already had some shots as their friends forced him. They were on their way celebrating the ending of the first year as university students until mid-night when all of their friends had come home and there were only two of them left behind (“Take him home for us.” Donghae said before going, leaving behind a dumbfounded Ryeowook and a half-drunk Kyuhyun).
Ryeowook didn’t remember clearly how it happened. How they left the club after paying the bill, how Kyuhyun pushed him back against the wall in a dark alley and kissed him with force, how they grinded their bodies together, how things were out of their handle, how they ended up in a cheap hotel stripping each other,… He couldn’t remember anything, but there were something for sure that a cheap hotel wasn’t in his list of appreciate places for having sex. And he wasn’t supposed to do those unappreciated things to one of his friends.
Ryeowook’s mind was clouded, but not because of the effect of alcohol. Maybe he felt his head spinning because of the sensation Kyuhyun gave him. He supposed that the other was too drunk to control his acts, but somehow between all the kisses and touches and thrusts, he couldn’t help but feel that Kyuhyun was sober.
Even sober than him.
***
That afternoon, Ryeowook goes downtown to reach the National Library. As the boy passes by a small café, his eyes caught sight of a familiar frame through the glass windows of the shop. However, the other boy seems to be oblivious to his look, because he still smiles his charming smile with the other people sitting around his table.
Well, double date? Ryeowook thinks vaguely before tearing his eyes from the sight. Somehow his intention of going to the library and borrows some books about European cultures for Kyuhyun had vanished into the thin air.
(“She looks nice.”
Later Ryeowook says while they’re lying on bed, only a thin sheet covers their bodies. Kyuhyun turns his head a bit to look at Ryeowook, humming lightly:
“So?”
“You two should hook up and do something like this.”
“I will not do anything like this with her.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s not you.”
Kyuhyun answers and all of a sudden Ryeowook disgusts with himself.)
Youngwoon texts Ryeowook out of the blue on a rainy day. They haven’t met each other for nearly two years after graduating from high school and Ryeowook has never had the idea of talking with the other again. He even doubts whether Youngwoon still kept his phone number.
However, he actually did. And Ryeowook didn’t know if he should be grateful for that.
They beat about the bush for a while until Youngwoon texts:
“Today I saw you go to school.”
“I didn’t see you.”
“Of course, you were going with Kyuhyun.”
Ryeowook doesn’t even understand the slightest why people always say that he doesn’t see anything whenever Kyuhyun’s around. No, thanks but he isn’t like that. He does see, he just doesn’t say.
But this time he really doesn’t see.
“Are you jealous?”
“Nope. It’s certain that to you I can’t be as attractive as him >:))”
“Shut.Up _”__”
“Buy me the collection of the Beatles :(( I gave mine to one of my friends.”
“If I loved you okay?”
“So you love me =))”
“Sorry but I love another person.”
“Who’s your victim? Not Kyuhyun, right? >:))”
Ryeowook’s taken aback slightly at the sudden question, but still decides to play along. After all it doesn’t hurt. At least now.
“What if it were him?”
“Nothing. I just think it will be one-sided. Because he’s for sure doesn’t like you.”
“So?”
“He likes another girl. Do you know?”
“I guess.”
“He studies in the same university with you and you know nothing?”
“It’s not like I don’t know. You’re the one saying crap here.”
“I’m more intelligent than you. Anyway, if I were you, I would never like Jo Kyuhyun.”
“Whatever. It’s not like we’re having affair.”
“I just say. Be careful.”
The last message surely gives Ryeowook a long sleepless night, even when he has already prepared for anything could happen.
***
“What the fuck is wrong with you???”
Ryeowook hissed as Heechul shoved him back against the wall and the shorter boy needed to bite back a cry of pain, both physically and mentally. Hankyung standing motionlessly beside Heechul was no help, even when he was the one Ryeowook always trusted and was believed to never leave him. But now the taller boy just stood there and gave him a judging look, along with his already wet eyes.
“We should be the one asking you that question. What.Is.Wrong.With.You.”
What’s wrong with me? Ryeowook’s head was spinning at the question and all of a sudden he just wanted to throw up with all the disgusted feeling gathered from his guts about himself. His hand stretched out to reach for the wall behind his back as he tried to support his body for a proper standing position.
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry because I have always hanged out with Sungmin recently and neglected you.” And I’m sorry because I can’t keep you guys by my side, instead letting Siwon replace my position in your hearts, and I’m sorry because I can make you understand me, because we’re best friends while we even can’t understand each other the slightest. Ryeowook wanted to shout all those thoughts at his friends, but his ego was too big to his own good and there’s no way Ryeowook admitted that he’s jealous and he was defeated. Siwon was nothing to Ryeowook. How could he ever think of stealing his friends away from him? He would soon win Heechul and Hankyung back, because they were brothers and nothing could break that fact.
Nothing, unless it came from one of them.
“Shut up Kim Ryeowook! You know nothing.”
“Sorry but yes I know.”
He bit back and Hankyung trailed off quietly behind Heechul:
“You’re no longer the Kim Ryeowook we used to know.”
And you’re no longer the brothers I used to know.
“We know things can change easily and nothing’s forever, but Ryeowook, how can you become like this?”
“I’m still myself.”
“No you are not. You’re different now. I can’t tell exactly, but it’s the fact.”
Heechul said, his voice was softened a bit as Hankyung had placed a hand on his shoulder as an act of soothing.
“We’ve already told you to stay away from him.”
And I’ve told you already that I can’t leave him.
“Sungmin? Why? I think there’s nothing wrong with me hanging out with him.”
“You know clearly that we aren’t talking about Sungmin.”
Yes I know, and can you just shut up?
“He’s my friend.”
Ryeowook muttered under his breath. He heard a long sigh coming from Hankyung.
“So you chose him instead of us.”
“There’s nothing to choose here Heechul. You’re my friends and he’s also my friend, both are important to me equally. How can I say that I will leave the other?”
The petite boy said, his voice cracked and a trail of tears unexpectedly fell down his cheeks. It’s so wrong, because he wasn’t supposed to cry here, in front of his friends. Somehow, between the feeling the disappointed feeling he had about himself and the reality, Ryeowook still expected that Hankyung would walk to him and gave him a warm hug, while Heechul would coax him with all the soothing words, saying that everything would be alright soon and they would be the same like nothing had happened.
But his shoulders were cold and his friends were still standing opposite him, watching with stoic.
Even when it just took three steps to stand beside them, Ryeowook felt as if they were too far away for him to reach.
“He’s more important than us to you. You always talk about him and only him while we’re around. I know he’s handsome and intelligent and he’s known you longer than us. But can you just shut up? We’re really tired. It’s like even how hard we tried we still could never be as good as him.”
“No you’re wrong.”
“He’s a bastard and you still love him. It’s unfair to us.”
There’s no fair in this world.
“I don’t love him Heechul. I really don’t.”
It was the truth. Ryeowook didn’t love him.
“He calls you and you immediately run to him. While there’s no such a thing like that when it comes to us.”
So what about all the Siwon-thingy of you? He’s good, right? He follows you everywhere and you now even replace me by him. You never waited for me, but instead now waiting for him. You laugh with him instead of me… Is it called as betrayal?
“Can we just act as if nothing happened?”
Ryeowook said after a while of utter silence. His shoulders were shaking and tears still kept falling even when he had tried to hold back his sobs
“Nothing can be the same Ryeowook. Nothing.”
Somehow Ryeowook just wished Kyuhyun was here, even when he was the main cause of all those things.
However, Kyuhyun had never been there whenever Ryeowook needed him.
(Later that night Hankyung called him, for the first time after 2 months. He said Heechul had reconsidered and they would try again, if it could help their friendship. The next day Ryeowook came to sit in the same table with them at lunch time, but things were too awkward for his own good and Siwon was annoyingly clingy to Heechul. After 15 minutes Ryeowook decided to leave and nobody chased after him. Because nobody really cared.)
***
“You don’t need to cry because of them.”
Another long night filled with kisses and touches, and now Ryeowook’s lying next to Kyuhyun as if it were the most natural thing in this world. They met on half-way home at late autumn evening, and the frustrated look Ryeowook wore on his face was really something to care about. Or rather, Ryeowook doubts whether Kyuhyun really noticed and considered it as something serious. Maybe he just wanted to get rid of his own sexual frustration, and there couldn’t be any better occasion than this.
(“I will make you feel better.”
He whispered hotly against Ryeowook’s skin while trailing sloppy kisses down his torso and the brunette bit is lips till it bled. He should have shoved Kyuhyun off of his body, but he didn’t and couldn’t.)
“They’re my friends, I can’t. Besides, it’s my fault. They’re really good buddies.”
Ryeowook protected his 5-year friend from Heechul and Hankyung. And now he’s protecting them from Kyuhyun.
“They don’t seem to be fond of me much.”
They hate you.
“Every people have their own impression of others. Maybe they don’t have a good one of you.”
“Why?”
“How can I know.”
Ryeowook laughs, thick and low. He knows, he just can’t say.
“Anyway, I don’t have any idea how you can be that hyper sensitive. And what’s actually the problem here?”
You, Ryeowook thinks briefly. It’s you.
But at the same time he knows he would never bring himself to say something like this, because Kyuhyun is clueless. He isn’t innocent in this story but he’s clueless, and that’s enough for Ryeowook not to throw his friend into the argument.
“It’s complicated, I can’t tell.”
He rolls over, his back is now facing Kyuhyun. And once in a while, he thinks of Sungmin and Youngwoon.
“If you think you can, be friends again. If you think you can’t effort anymore, back off. There’re still many friends out here to choose and start a new relationship.”
Kyuhyun words are genuine and clear, like ice and Ryeowook wanders aimlessly whether the other has ever thought about dumping him to get another friend. The jet black haired boy says too easily as if he could do it without thinking.
“You know, it’s not like I can’t find someone to have fun with. It’s even the easiest thing in this world. Just need to smile and feign innocent, and there’s many people around here to talk to and laugh along with. But it’s hard to find a real friend, because friends need to understand each other. Lovers may not understand each other, but friends need to. I used to think that I understand them and vice versa, but I’m wrong.”
And I always hope that you could be the one understanding me. But it seems that you can’t.
“I always treat you right.”
Kyuhyun states out of the blue and Ryeowook’s words slip off his tongue without him thinking:
“No, you don’t.”
“Don’t lie.”
The other boy mumbles in a joking tone as he turns Ryeowook to face him again. Kyuhyun uses his thumb to trace the feature of Ryeowook’s face lovingly and it gives the other light goose bumps:
“Don’t cry anymore, ‘kay?”
You’re one of the reasons why I cry.
“Maybe.”
***
The fact that Ryeowook cried actually wasn’t known by only himself, Heechul and Hankyung. Sungmin knew, or rather, he saw.
“Why did you cry?”
He asked days later after seeing Ryeowook suffering lunch time with his old friends and Siwon. The brunette would just feign innocent as he usually did and act as if he heard nothing, but the next sentence Sungmin said did gnaw at his heart:
“Is it because of me? If you need, you can change your seat back to them.”
“Don’t misunderstand Sungmin. There’s nothing with you.”
“So?”
Ryeowook bit his lower lip while looking at Sungmin. They had already known each other for 3 years and been seatmates for more than six months. Sungmin could be a jerk and sometimes too greasy, much to Ryeowook’s taste. But he was a good buddy and Ryeowook was frustrated with the fact that he couldn’t tell anybody about what he had to suffer. He couldn’t tell Heechul or Hankyung, because they didn’t understand and they were still on half-way healing their broken friendship, let alone Kyuhyun. Ryeowook was trapped in his world and nobody could listen to him.
But, could Sungmin?
Ryeowook didn’t want to be judged anymore, and he also didn’t want the other have wrong impressions about his friends. They were all good, and if anybody needed to die here, it was him.
Anyway, he told, and the other listened.
“Your ego and their ego are too big. You just can’t admit that you need them, and neither do they.”
“I know.”
He muttered while looking at anywhere but Sungmin’s face. He couldn’t dare, because what if Sungmin was looking at him with the same look Heechul threw at him days before?
“You should stop your relationship with Jo Kyuhyun.”
“Sungmin…”
“I know what you want to say. You guys are friends, but Kyuhyun is kind of… He’s heedless and you’ve given him too much attention. One day it will kill you.”
It actually did kill me.
“I’m trying Sungmin.”
He actually did. Ryeowook hadn’t met Kyuhyun for almost two weeks and he had tried to avoid any way he could bump into the other.
“I have the feeling that he’s a sex obsessive.”
Ryeowook’s shoulders tensed up at the statement and he tried to give a dry laugh:
“Really? I don’t think so…”
“You haven’t gone that far, have you?”
If sleeping with one of your good friends over a year didn’t count as “have gone too far” thingy, the shorter boy thought but still nodded his head lightly.
***
It’s the ending of the first semester when Ryeowook’s university decides to hold a small military training class for third year students. It’s definitely the last thing their students had ever expected, so all of them keep on lamenting for their unfortunate. With all these boys and girls who’re just barely 21, they’d prefer stay in door with air-conditioner, playing or learning to going outside, sitting on the school yard and letting the heat of the summer tortures their bodies. Anyway, even when bitching about the course, the students still need to fulfill their task. And Ryeowook is no exception here.
The brunette’s watching other students do the exercises their instructor forces them when suddenly someone pulls his hand from behind. He turns around and notices that it’s Hyukjae. The other boy’s holding a can of coke.
“It’s yours.”
He says with a poker face and Ryeowook needs to blink twice before adjusting fully the words, because he hardly knows Hyukjae and there’s no way the other bought him drink, unless…
“Kyuhyun told me to give it to you.”
As if seeing through the meaning of questioning look Ryeowook’s wearing on his face, Hyukjae quickly says. Ryeowook carefully receives the can in Hyukjae’s hand and bows lightly at the other as an act of thanks before taking a small glance at the person standing not far from his spot much. Kyuhyun’s talking to a student in his photography club, black hair glinted under the sunshine and identical smirk has never left his face.
The petite boy turns the Coke upside down just to find a small note stuck at its bottom:
“Happy birthday Ryeowook ^_^”
And he can’t help but smile. These little things surely have never failed in bringing smile back to his face.
***
“I can’t believe that you actually give me the coke.”
Ryeowook said, a glint of happiness flashed in his eyes and Kyuhyun laughed lightly:
“I know my friend’s thirsty.”
“Thanks.”
They were sitting in a quiet bar after the military training class. It’s already mid-night but both of the boys were still deep in celebrating Ryeowook’s birthday. Actually from the back of his head, Ryeowook had already told himself to invite Heechul and Hankyung, but then he remembered that they both hated Kyuhyun. Sungmin wasn’t a bad choice, however, he barely knew Kyuhyun and Ryeowook doubted whether he wanted to spend hours drinking with the pale boy.
Besides, it had been a long time they met each other not because of it, but because of something meaningful. At least to Ryeowook.
“Have you hooked up with anybody recently?”
Ryeowook asked and his heart didn’t ache even once. It’s a good sight, right?
“No, I’m busy Wook.”
“What about the girl days before?”
“There’s nothing. She’s a freshman. And I don’t think that I will date anybody now.”
“We’re young Kyuhyun, there’s nothing for sure right now.”
Yeah, nothing. What if one day I wake up and find myself in love with you?
“No, seriously, I think it’s too stupid to date somebody for years and then dump them easily. If I date a person, that person will be the one I will get married.”
Ah, that’s the point here.
“Don’t force yourself like that. You should… like, open your heart (Ryeowook immediately cursed himself for having hanging around too much with Sungmin. Now he even talked like Sungmin) and try to accept others’ feeling. I think having somebody to share your feelings is way better.”
You can just tell me your problems and we can share. But surely you don’t want to.
“What about you?”
“About what?”
“Marriage and love?”
“I don’t want to get married.”
Ryeowook said matter-of-factly and Kyuhyun needed to keep a straight face while mimicking the other’s words:
“We’re young Ryeowook, there’s nothing for sure right now.”
The pretty boy laughed lightly and slapped his friend at arm. Kyuhyun faked a small cry of pain, but the genuine smile had never left his face as he stared at Ryeowook.
“I don’t want to Kyuhyun, seriously. Marriage sucks.”
“Want to have a bet? What if you get married?”
“I will not Soo, really. I can love, but don’t force me to get married.”
“You’re weird.”
“And so are you.”
“That’s why we’re friends, right?”
“Maybe.”
***
It’s the rehearsal of Ryeowook’s musical and Kyuhyun promises to watch.
That day the brunette has forgotten his line two times, tripping over things and falling off stage several times. Nobody knows exactly what happened to Kim Ryeowook, the lead actor who’s always perfect and has learnt the script by all his heart. The boy himself is also unable to explain his behaviors. “Maybe I’m a bit tired, yesterday I couldn’t sleep.” He tells the director and he nods his head understandingly, but his look is judging and the boy has to turn away, because he knows clearly it’s his fault. There’s no such a thing like “staying up late last night”, but there’s a fact that Kyuhyun’s seat is empty. He did come, and he left even before it came to Ryeowook’s part.
It’s okay, he tells himself. It doesn’t matter if Kyuhyun doesn’t watch. It’s just the rehearsal and not a big deal.
Anyway, he keeps on falling and making mistakes.
Days later and the main performance comes, Kyuhyun doesn’t leave. He has stayed till the curtain comes down, but Ryeowook doesn’t know whether he should feel happy or annoyed, because sitting beside his friend is one of the girl he actually liked when they were in high school. Ryeowook hears nothing, he can only saw, and luckily that he’s steady that day. Because if not then he would just collapse right there, because Kyuhyun keeps smiling at her all the time and they look like a real couple.
(“You look hot today.”
Kyuhyun mumbles against his skin as he pins his friend down on the mattress and Ryeowook needs to bite back a trail of bitter laughter. You really watched me? And excuse me, but Victorian costumes aren’t something to be called as “hot”. He wants to scoff back, but deep down his guts, Ryeowook knows that he can’t bring himself to say.
He just couldn’t dare.
“You’re a liar Kyuhyun.”
And Kyuhyun says nothing.)
***
“Hankyung’s leaving, like, the next weekend.”
Kibum talked to Sungmin one day before class started and it was unluckily lucky that Ryeowook was also sitting there. The statement took him aback and the boy was too shocked to say a single word. It wasn’t that he didn’t know Hankyung was about to study abroad, but they talked about it three months ago and Hankyung said he would leave the next year. Not the end of that month, that October.
Under the table he could feel Sungmin’s hand squeeze his own one lightly. Ryeowook looked up from his book and spare a questioning glance at his seatmate, but Sungmin didn’t look at him, instead at Kibum as the other was still talking.
“Ryeowook ah, have you bought any present for him?”
The mention of his name pulled Ryeowook back to the reality and he gave Kibum a confused look before mumbling as if he had known for a while. Indeed he knew nothing:
“I’m still thinking, it’s hard.”
He needed to act as if he had already known. It’s the least he could do to protect his remain ego and self-respect. He couldn’t let anybody know that he had been completely pushed out of his friends’ life.
“I saw Heechul buy a couple shirts for Hankyung. They wore them and even took selca.”
So that’s the answer for Hankyung’s Twitter userpic recently.
“And Siwon made a cup having their photos printed on, along with a puzzle made from one of their photos.”
It’s enough. Enough.
Later that day when the lecture was over, Ryeowook stood up from his seat as fast as he could, stuffing all his books and tests and papers in the schoolbag. He always went home with Heechul and Hankyung, even how much the boy felt betrayed and hurt, he still tried to cover them with silly smiles and laughter. But today he couldn’t.
He couldn’t stand anymore.
“Hyung ah, I have something at home today, need to go first.”
Ryeowook mumbled under his breath and Hankyung stopped laughing with Siwon to look up at him. He eyed his friend with concern, and even though how much Ryeowook used to love that look, all he wanted to do now was tearing the other’s face and burning it with fire, until there’s no trace of it in this world.
Liar.
“Are you okay Wook? You don’t look fine much.”
Shut up, can you??? You’re disgusting me.
“I’m fine. Just…tired.”
After all Ryeowook was just a coward.
The boy said and immediately ran out from the lecture hall without looking back to meet the confused gaze Heechul and Hankyung gave each other. He ran and ran, until there’s somebody behind holding his wrist back. That hand’s warm and even when Ryeowook tried to struggle, he still barely, just barely, hoped that that person would never let him go.
And he hoped that that person was Kyuhyun.
“Thought you guys were supposed to be best friends forever.”
The other voiced and Ryeowook’s muscle tensed up, just a little bit.
How could he bring himself too much hope like that?
“Sungmin ah, let me go.”
He whispered and Sungmin still stayed the same.
“You guys were supposed to be best friends.”
“Please, Sungmin. Just, please.”
Ryeowook turned back to give the other a desperate look, his eyes were stung now and he thought he couldn’t hold back anymore. Every word the blonde said was like nothing but daggers stabbing in his heart.
Sungmin was taken aback after seeing his face and slowly he released the firm grip on Ryeowook’s wrist. Without saying anything, Ryeowook started running again.
Ryeowook’s glad that at the moment he came back his dorm, his roommate was still in his shift of a part-time job. Because after skipping upstairs and locking himself in his room, Ryeowook started crying. He cried loudly, rather howling. When the boy was still a child, one of his cousins used to tell him that if the hurt was too much to handle, crying out loud was the best way to relieve the stress. So he tried, for the first time in his life. He cried until his voice was hoarse and the brunette couldn’t open his eyes again properly.
But the pain still weighed heavily upon his shoulders and Ryeowook knew there’s no way he could get rid of it.
Maybe the death could help.
Where’s Kyuhyun?
Ryeowook reached for his cellphone and started dialing the number of Kyuhyun’s dorm. It was already 6PM and the other was properly at home now.
But nobody answered his call and Ryeowook threw his phone at the wall. It broke into pieces but the boy didn’t care anymore.
***
On the day when the departure of Hankyung happens, he comes to the university to bid farewell with friends for the last time.
“Don’t cry.”
Sungmin told Ryeowook before Hankyung came and the shorter boy smiled slightly at him. His tears had been already dried up and he didn’t think he could cry anymore.
“I will.”
However, moments later, Ryeowook doesn’t know why and how, but tears start falling from his eyes without him knowing. He’s thrown in Hankyung’s arms and luckily the realization dawns on him on time to remind the boy the fact that one of the persons he loved most in this world’s about to leave him, and they can barely meet again, unless Ryeowook finishes his study soon and is able to find a scholarship to England.
Before he can control his feeling, Ryeowook has leaned on Hankyung and cried as if he were his mother.
“I’m sorry hyung. I really am.”
“It’s okay now Wook. It’s okay.”
Hankyung coaxes him, his hand pets Ryeowook’s head in a loving manner. But somehow between the sweet words and warm embrace, Ryeowook knows that there’s nothing okay again. The older boy leaves even before they could make up and be the same. Or actually, they can never be the same again. They did try and have always tried, but past is the past and there’s no treatment for the deep wounds they have left in each other’s soul. People used to say that there’re two things human can’t redo. One is gathering back the water having been spilled, and two is taking back all the words they have said.
Ryeowook looks up just to find Heechul standing awkwardly near them. His eyes are still narrow and Ryeowook wonders briefly whether they suddenly become that small or the older are just staring dagger at him again.
Siwon’s also standing nearby and it’s really the first time Ryeowook feels nothing against him, after months of hatred. The boy is holding a puzzle having been framed already and as it’s passed by Ryeowook to be given to Hankyung, the brunette needs to blink twice, because he can’t believe in his eyes anymore and all of a sudden everything seems to be blurred again.
“It’s for you Hankyung.”
“Thank you Siwon.”
The older boy says, his eyes never leaves the puzzle. It’s made from the picture of them, Heechul, Hankyung, Siwon.
And Ryeowook.
(Later that night he receives a message from Heechul:
“That morning when I saw you hug Hankyung, I’ve wished that it were the hug three of us used to share together years before. I really miss the old days with you. Maybe I have been a jerk and making you cry, I just can’t adjust to the new situation immediately. It’s hard to be back with someone who you have given up long time ago. I know I’ve given you cold shoulders despite all your efforts to heal things up again, really. From now on we’ll try again, okay? Just take things slow.”)
***
“He looks so cute!”
Ryeowook exclaimed out of the blue while walking down the street with Kyuhyun. The taller boy raised an eyebrow questioningly at him, before turning his gaze to where his friend was looking at. His eyes stopped at a small baby of a young couple passing by them.
“You want to have baby?”
“Yeah! They’re really cute!”
The petite boy said excitedly as if he were a five-year-old child and Kyuhyun chuckled lightly at the sight, because seriously, how can a child take care of another child?
“Thought you don’t want to get married?”
He asked in a playful manner. Ryeowook stared at his friend seriously while answering:
“There’s nothing related between me wanting to have a baby and me lacking interest of getting married.”
“Oh…”
Kyuhyun trailed off but Ryeowook had no longer paid attention to him, instead his eyes still followed the movement of the couple with the cute baby, until they disappeared completely into the sea of people. The two boys continued their journey without a word until the moment Kyuhyun suddenly said:
“It’s lucky that you’re not a girl.”
“Why?”
The other asked back confusedly but Kyuhyun didn’t answer him.
***
“What do you mean with it is lucky that I’m not a girl?”
Ryeowook asks while Kyuhyun’s buttoning up his shirt. The other doesn’t look at him, but instead at the mirror behind his back. He shrugs his shoulders lightly, voice flat and monotonous:
“Because you can’t get pregnant.”
Maybe Kyuhyun doesn’t know, but anyway, Ryeowook also doesn’t cry, because men just cries for things they need to, and surely what Kyuhyun has said isn’t in the list of appreciate things to cry for.
But why his eyes and his heart are both hurt?
***
Ryeowook’s harassed, out of everybody.
He didn’t understand even the slightest, because everything happened too quickly and he was still in a daze after having struggled to free himself. That person appeared from nowhere on his way back home on a late April night. Ryeowook didn’t notice whether he had been stalked, but that man surely knew by heart his routine, because just when the boy turned at the corner of Nanyang street, somebody had grabbed his wrist and pulled him back into a dark alley nearby.
He kissed Ryeowook forcefully while hands were travelling up and down his body. His hands’re dirty, Ryeowook knew that, and he couldn’t let that man touch him.
Because there’s only one person in this world could touch like that.
He struggled against the deadly grip, pushing the other man with all his remained strength. He was tired after all day long learning and cleaning the lecture hall, but the thought of letting a stranger, not him, do some unappreciated things to his body disgusted the boy. There’s nobody around here to help him, and calling for help now is maybe a bit too late.
He heard the man on the ground groan in pain and something about paying back, and all he could do was running for his life.
***
“Kyuhyun ah, where are you?”
“What’s wrong Wook? Your voice sounds weird.”
“I’ve just…”
“I can’t hear anything Ryeowook. I’m busy now. We will talk later okay?”
And with that Kyuhyun hangs up. Ryeowook stares blankly at his cellphone for a while before shoving it back to his pocket. The boy slowly walks down the crowded street, thinking of what time he should call Kyuhyun. It’s 7.30PM now, maybe he should wait till 10PM. He should…
Kyuhyun’s going with another girl. On the other patch of this street.
And there’s no need for a phone call anymore.
Ryeowook looks down at his slovenly clothes before turning to the skirt that girl’s wearing.
“He’s for sure doesn’t like you.”
Why does Youngwoon need to pop up in his mind right here, right now?
***
“Actually Ryeowook ah, I think you look like a puppy.”
Siwon stated out of the blue and Heechul nearly choked on a slice of bread, while Ryeowook couldn’t help but slap on the said boy’s arm, face flushed in embarrassment. Sungmin was no help here as he just rolled over his seat while laughing his head off, before adding more fuel to the fire:
“He looks like a chick.”
“Or rather a duckling.”
“You’re dead meat now hyung.”
The brunette warned half-heartedly and the oldest just pretended to cover his face with a book nearby, as if his dongsaeng were about to jab him to death with all the glares.
“They’re all right Wook ah.”
Kyuhyun laughed while Ryeowook just huffed annoyingly at the memory of the conversation. He was no longer Kim Ryeowook now, but rather Kim Puppy-wook, Kim Chick-wook and even Kim Duckling-wook.
“No need to make a fuss.”
“Do you know about ‘Ugly duckling’?”
Ryeowook asked and Kyuhyun stopped barely to finally realize what the other was aiming to. He shook his head lightly and pulled Ryeowook to lie closer to him, so close that the shorter boy could hear his heartbeat beating steadily against his ears.
“But one day the ugly duckling will turn into a swan, right?”
“Maybe.”
“You will, Wook ah. One day.”
If I became a swan, would you look at me and like, like me?
***
But Ryeowook’s an ugly person with a pair of awkwardly too short legs, thin body and high-pitched voice, along with annoyed personality. He either isn’t a girl, and can never be a girl.
Not to mention Kyuhyun has never trusted him.
Has he ever told anything to Ryeowook about him?
Never.
People say they are close, but they’re wrong. People say Kyuhyun looks happy while being around him, but it’s just the tip of an iceberg. People say Ryeowook understands Kyuhyun the best.
But little do they know that he knows nothing about his friend. His 5-year good friend.
***
The sun rose maybe a little too early today. Ryeowook thought barely at the back of his head before going back to stare down at the creature lying peacefully beside him. Kyuhyun looked so innocent and like an angel while sleeping. His skin was pale, but in a nice way, and Ryeowook could see clearly the red marks he left last night on his throat and collarbone. His hair’s a bit damp and messy, but Ryeowook loved it and he knew he could run his fingers through it again and again, like he had always done for many times as Kyuhyun did magic to his body.
Ryeowook had never been the type of cuddle person, but that day, he’d prefer try at least one time. The boy inched closer to his friend, arms wrapped carefully around his torso. He just dared to drape his arms lightly without any force, because who knew, what if he squeezed his arms and Kyuhyun would disappear forever?
Please, just stay like this for a while. Not forever, but in a while. Please.
“You’re up early.”
Kyuhyun’s voice muffled in his pillow and Ryeowook smiled lightly at the other’s words.
He surely would miss his voice very much.
“I have something to do. Need to get back to the dorm early.”
“Oh…”
Kyuhyun trailed off before dripping off to the dreamland again. Ryeowook observed the other’s boy feature for a while, maybe 5 minutes, or 10, or maybe 20? He couldn’t tell clearly, because his heart suddenly ached too much.
His thin arms slowly moved away from Kyuhyun’s body. Ryeowook laid on the bed and stared at the other’s back, before actually rolling over and sitting up. The brunette looked around the room, Kyuhyun’s bedroom. He had been there for many times during those two years, and surely even when it’s just a place for them to have sex, it was still special to Ryeowook, by some means.
He thought briefly while gathering his clothes on the floor.
“Goodbye Kyuhyun.”
Ryeowook said faintly before locking the door behind his back.
***
“Ryeowook?”
The boy nearly jumps out of his skin and he needs to take some deep breath before turning around to look at the person who has just called him. Even after months of separation, that voice’s still kept at the back of his mind and he’s always remembered it. Because like Sungmin has said, if a story’s only full of sweet cotton candy, it’s too shallow to remember.
And surely Ryeowook’s story isn’t some kind of sweet candy.
“Hi.”
He waves back and sees a glint of hesitation in the other’s eyes before he actually continues:
“I’ve come to your dorm but your roommate told me that you had moved out.”
“I moved back to live with my parents. They want to take care of me more and I have nothing against the idea.”
“Oh…”
Again, they stand in awkward silence. Ryeowook’s mind tells him to give an excuse and leave immediately, but another part of his body, or exactly his heart, tells him to stay and wait.
But wait for what, when everything’s been over?
“I can’t call you.”
“I’ve changed my number.”
Ryeowook answered calmly. The other boy fumbles with his shirt for a while, seeming to debate whether or not he should say. But anyway, after all he still slips off the words:
“Do you still keep mine? You can call me to inform the new phone number and we can…”
“I’ve deleted your number Kyuhyun.” He pauses briefly, before adding more: “I need to go now. I have an important meeting downtown.”
“Oh, okay. So, see you later?”
“I don’t think so. Anyway, nice to meet you again. And goodbye.”
“Goodbye?”
“Goodbye.”
Kyuhyun eyes Ryeowook’s left hand stretched out to shake his one for a while, but he didn’t shake hands with the other and his used-to-be friend doesn’t seem to mind much. Because he’s quickly gone and never turned back to look at the other again.
He’s a boy without a heart now, like Kyuhyun’s always been.