Love.

[kyrael]

Last night I fell in love all over again. It was with someone I knew almost a lifetime ago. How does this happen? Someone That i have not seen or spoken to for a decade slips into my mind and all of a sudden it's all I can think about. I feel high on love, the chemistry of my brain taking me back in time to the one person for whom the bad memories fade away and only the moments of happiness and contentment remain. Do I really still love her or am I so desperate for hope that this is the only way my brain can cope? Sending my back to a happy place where I can drift in memories of a beautiful woman, infinitely confidante and capable who accepted my love for her and gave me some of hers' in response. I feel like I'm going mad. I e-mailed her and she messaged me back and now I'm dying for details of how she's been what she's doing. I know that she has moved on from me. That her life was going to take her places that she would not want me to follow and that the odds are good that there is no place there for me now. But all I want do is connect. Alone trapped in my life I find moments where is seems like I can physically feel her heart calling out to mine. Is she my them? Are my pet psychosis devolving into full blown schizophrenia? Last night and this morning I was content to bask in the throws of love happy, purely happy and blissful knowing that there was someone out there that I loved. Today I feel logic, doubt, reality and expectation picking apart the feelings that give me hope in love. Real head over heels love. I look around and see no room for love in the midst of the shadows of my own personal, professional, spiritual, and social failures. I feel like even this one memory is fluttering into the dark. Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun and now fall towards my own darkness.

Was it Love, or was it just a chemical imbalance in my brain?

I need to move forward somehow, somewhere, or I have a feeling that the lack of forward momentum might cause a fatal stall.