(no subject)
Title: True Life
Author: diru69
Pairing: KyoXToshiya
Rating: PG-ish
Disclaimer: I don't own dir en grey, but I have five chain collars that could change that. WHO WANTS A SEVEN-SOME?! 8D
Summary: (Kyo's POV) Kyo ultimately moves out and decides to be a singer, which will lead to strange things.
Chapter: 3/google
A/N: yup I definately should NOT be writing at 2:30 a.m. I figure I've drawed this out long enough though, so I'm putting some nice yaoi in the next chappie ^^ it'll prolly range btwn PG-13 and R. sorry this is boring for now, I'm trying to get into the development of the characters. (mainly kyo, of course) but at the same time I wanna get to the good parts and this is kinda rushed, yet flat. lol. XD comments are even nicer than my bed, which I'm I'm about to sleep in.... mah gawd I'm tired....
WARNINGS: brief guy/girl, cursing, mean mean parents and girlfriends
I decided I'd try guitar. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Even though my parents gave up on trying to make me do homework, study and participate in school, they went off on me when I bought the guitar, claiming it would lower my grades and steer my focus away from school. Strange pair, those two... Time ran past and soon it was my last year of middle school. By that point, I had long given up on guitar. I suppose I decided I could never be as good as hide, and I simply couldn't play any X Japan songs with the guitar. I took up bass after that, but I guess I'm just bad with strings.
I didn't even try drums, the short time I spent with bass taught me that I was better off not playing something that based itself primarily off of rhythm. I can't keep a steady enough beat. It was too bad, not being good at bass, because I loved the way the thudding vibrations buzz in your finger tips when they're pressed against the fret board and you strum the strings. Every time I played the bass I always got tis strange feeling, too. Hard to describe, but it was like I was getting this feeling of... premontion. I didn't think much about it at the time. I played piano from time to time, more of a recreational thing than an extension of myself. I was at a loss of what to do for a little while, but that's when Maiko stepped in.
I can't say she influenced me in a good way. But what she did pushed me forward. She came to our school in the second month as a new student. She was outstandingly pretty and she had beautiful skin. The teachers told her she had to die her hair back to solid black when she first arrived, sporting bright, neon red highlights in her unevenly cut hair. It made me relieved to see someone who wasn't like everyone else out there. Maybe she figured the same about me. "Hey, you. What's your name?" she asked me on her third day. From what I heard, she intended to keep the red highlights but her mom physically forced her to take the red out. It was kinda funny, actually. By any means, her hair was now entirely ebony black, just like mine.
"Niimura Tooru. Dozo yoroshiku." "Yoroshiku." she replied politely. "You like them?" she asked, pointing to the "X" picture on my binder. I smiled lightly "Well, obviously." She made a fake-offended face. "God, no need to be rude." she joked. "I'm sorry, ma'am. What ever can I do to make it up to you?" I joked back. "The Cake Buffet two blocks from here'd be nice. My mom forgot to shop for groceries yesterday so I had no bento. And now I'm starving!" I had about two thousand yen on me, so I agreed to take her. Of course, it wasn't the only place I ended up taking her. Soon we started dating and I found myself paying for movie tickets, resturaunt bills, and gifts, among other things. Obviously, this required me to make some sort of income, so I did odd jobs for all the people on or next to our block.
90% of the money I made went to Maiko. Mostly, the jobs people had me doing were really hard or frustrating. And sometimes, I really just felt like spending the money I worked for on myself. So why was I doing all this shit, and pratically bowing to the ground everytime Maiko walked past? Easy. I was in love with her. When I had my first kiss with her that's when I knew it. It felt like sparklers were being lit against my lips when my lips hit hers, and I know it sounds cliche, but everything just felt right at that moment. I knew we were kids, but I was so sure we were going to be together for ever. Everytime we touched, even if it was just a light graze of skin, I felt my entire body go up in flames. I told her I loved her, and she told me she loved me back.
We didn't care if te teachers yelled at us for holding hands in the hallways or if her parents didn't approve of me holding her in my arms. She was as close as anybody had ever came to "understanding me" up until that point. She came to me one day though, at the very end of school, on a Friday. Her eyes were glassed over with liquid and her fists were clenched together like tightly packed iron. She said the four words that always signal off a warning that says "Prepare yourself. You are about to be destroyed." "We need to talk." Shit. She pulled me into a corner, her eyes filled more with guilt than with tears. "Listen... Tooru-san." We need to talk is just a warning. But Maiko using formalities was a confirmation.
There was a silence that pinged through the air. I knew she was about to attack me with one blow, and I wanted to get this over with. "Just tell me what it is." She looked shocked, but I could tell she wasn't exactly comfortable beating around the bush either. "Do you know Dustin?" she said looking staright at me. "Some kid who's come from America through the foreign exchange program, why-" I stopped myself. I didn't need to ask her what she was getting at. Her face said everything. "Oh my god. You're leaving me after we've been together for half a year for some fucker who's not even going to be here for more than ten months?" I asked in disbelief. "I can't believe you're actually- wait, have you been cheating on me with this guy?! While we were together?!" Maiko put her hands up in a gesture of defense. "NO! Thats why I wanted to break up with you, before I found myself doing that! I don't believe in doing something that under handed, so I wanted to end it before things got out of hand! I didn't want to hurt you!"
I laughed and it scared her. "Oh yeah you're right. You're totally sparing my feelings by cutting this off now, out of no where, for some random dude who you couldn't possibley even know much about. But you know what this is really about. Your guilty conscience. You don't genuinly care about me, you're just worried about those voices in the back of your head never leaving you alone, so you're coming up with this shit. And the sad part is, you want to justify your actions so badly you're actually believing your own words." Maiko looked down and away from my face. "That's not true and you know it! And I do know Dustin, okay?! He's really nice and we have a lot in common." I looked at her, but she was hanging her head, making it impossible for me to look her in the eye.
If she could look at my eyes, all she'd see would be pain. "So." I said in a sickeningly calm voice, "What is it that you like about him. The most I mean." Maiko shifted a bit. "I'm attracted by the way he's different." she said in a way that resembled a corny Hollywood line much too closely. "So thats it huh?" I said. This forced her to look up at me. "When you first saw me, you were interested in being with me because you wanted to see how exciting and interesting it would be to date the class freak. You got bored of me, so when some 'mysterious foriegner' came here, you jumped at the chance to dump me, because you're one of those people who needs constant drama fueling their life. That's pathetic. You don't even care that even though I'm so angry at you, I still love you. Do you?"
Maiko said everything by saying nothing. Shame was written all across her body. I was right. "I can't believe you. People like you, who have no consideration for anyone or anything but their fake, superficial selves." I started to walk away, but before I completely disappeared down the hall, I turned to head slightly to say the only thing left on my mind. "You know, people really do think I'm a freak. But the real freak here is you." I felt so hurt and betrayed, and it was the first of many times i would feel that. The pain and sadness of knowing all the happiness you felt at one point was a lie. It drove something deep inside me, that made me feel hurt. And I didn't want to keep it in... so I sang. I wasn't good at it at all. So why did it feel so right? I sang more and more. For seven weeks, singing was all I could do to keep myself sane. It was only by a little, but I felt my voice get slightly stronger, slightly better.
Even after I got over Maiko, I kept singing. I practiced, over and over and over again. I knew what I wanted to do, it was final this time. I had a drive and I could feel that what I was doing was right. I wanted to be a musician, so now my only option was, well, to become a singer for a band. I kept people in the dark for a while, I knew my mom and dad would kick me out once they found out I wasn't going to highschool. And in order to pursue a musical career! Oh hell no, I'm not a dumb-ass, I knew damn well that they'd be pissed. I looked for apartments while my parents were at work and when I finally found one that was cheap without spewing cockroaches onto everything in the house, I began to pack some of my stuff in advance.
Pretty soon, my parents would be finding out that I didn't fill out any papers or do any tests to find out which high school I'd be going to. I had to tell them before they found that out from someone other than me. I sat them down one night, to tell them. It was hard getting started. After a bit of stumbling and hesitation, I remembered that I had to do everything I needed to, to make this happen. And the first step was telling them. "Otou-san... Oka-san. I'm... I'm not going to highschool." My mom laughed a bitter, cold laugh, the kind that pleads you to be joking when you're so obviously not. "You can't be serious, Tooru." My dad gripped the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "God, I knew it would come to this. I knew you would want make this kind of dumb ass decision. You didn't take the school placemant tests, did you?"
My mom looked from me to my dad horrfied, the thought not crossing her mind until. My dad sent a glare that had the same impactof a hard slap. "You better have taken those tests Tooru, this'll get ugly if you say you didn't." It was a fair warning, I'll give him that. But at the same time it was very akin to the gentle rain that pours before a massive storm wreaks havoc and destroys everything in it's path. "I didn't." Snap. "YOU FUCK HEAD WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO INCREDIBLEY STUPID, YOU FUCKING DUMB-ASS?!?" My dad roared. "Why Tooru?! Do you realize you've just thrown away everything? Do you?!" My mom chimed in, only not as ear-splitting and obnxious as my father.
"I'm not cut out for school, you've known that for years. You always told me it was important t have dreams, but I don't have any dreams that could possibely follow after school. My dreams are in music. It's the only thing I feel. I want to be in a band, Oka-san. I know it sounds like a pipe-dream, but it's the only thing I can feel right doing and even though my voice sounds so bad to me, somehow, I just feel so sure that this is the right thing to do." My dad sighed in irritability. "You're going to fail. You'll never make it as a 'singer', Tooru. You're never going to amount to anything and you will never be anything. That's near impossible now. You've closed off every path that could've ever lead you to success. You'll never be anything now." His words hit me like sharp sleet. He had even less trust and faith in me than I'd thought, and I already thought his trust and faith would be little.
My mom sat there in silence for a little while before opening her mouth. "I'm really disappointed in you, you know. I know your father's words are harsh, but he's right. This whole idea is just childish." I stood, my eyes welling up with anger. "Right, well... I knew you'd react like... this. I'm not stupid enough to think you guys would've exactly cheered me on in this, even if... nevermind, anyway, I'm signing the lease contract for the apartment I found tommorow, so you should also see a moving truck out front tomorrow. Do you want me to stay at a hotel tonight, or spend some time with Yune before I leave?" My dad walked off to the kitchen with an angry air about him. My mom just stared at the floor with a cold, hard expression.
She flinched a little as my dad slammed the fridge open for a vodka tonic, reminding me that she was still human. "You can stay here for the night. But this conversation is over. I'm finished talking with you..." I nodded my head. I don't know why it happened, but I could feel something warm and wet glide down my cheek. I thought for a while as I stood perfectly still, like an eroded statue. "I know that you're disappointed in me, but for once in my entire life, I'm not." I spoke softly through broken speech. "Is there anything here to be proud of?" she asked sarcastically. "Yeah. Even though no one believes in me, and I'm alone in this, I'm doing it anyway. It'd be great if you and dad encouraged me, but it's even greater that you say I can't do this, no matter how hard I try. Because I think that'll motivate me, and I want to prove you wrong. ...I'm going to be someone someday."