Take a look at me now.
Hey. Ummm, I've been having a hard time with people lately and have been staying hidden in the house for the past few days. Some crazy drama has been occurring and it's just been a little upsetting. There have been some supportive people around me and some not so supportive person around me. I've just been trying to find someone who I can admire in the true sense of it, as in friends. It's hard to put faith in people. It's true, the only thing you can depend on is your family. Sigh. It's hard. I'm going to be locking it in for the fall and winter. I'm not going to be running the streets, I'm just not. I went to center st last weekend and that's all there is. September is here and that's pretty sad, but hey, it's time to be a grown up, at least for part of the year. You gotta just turn in your freak keys sometimes and stop running blind like a wild animal.
I think I feel stronger after all these crazy events lately, but I also feel like a human still. I'm not invincible, by no means. I know I need to move forward.
My job sent this wellness pamphlet to my house for team members and it said they can recommend a good counselor. I don't feel like I can cope with being my age a lot of the time. I just don't think I can deal with it and I'm having just a little anxiety from time to time. Like it feels like if I don't hold on there's this big snow bank that's going to collapse on me? Sigh. I imagine that that's normal. I think that's just life, you know and I just think that everyone else can handle it better than me. Life is hard, I know that in my heart. It's just that when I was younger I didn't expect it to be this hard. Like money, bills, work, dating, dishonesty, family. It can all take it's toll.
I've been working like everyday and then going out and just dating and it's too much. I don't know how my mom works everyday with no days off. I used to think a couple of months back that working everyday would keep me busy and focused, but it just makes me feel like I deserve to make bad decisions because I work so hard. I need a balance I know now. I don't want to go out all the time. I don't want to work all the time. I've been off from work since Tuesday evening and on Wednesday I just ended up doing nothing all day. I just slept and it rained and it was amazing. It was just an amazing feeling.
I've been going to be semi early. I wish it would rain all day tomorrow. I really don't want to go anywhere, but I have work at 6pm for four hours. It's the same for Saturday. I wish I had a weekend off. The next one will probably be my birthday. Sigh.
After having over two days off from work I don't want to go back. Work is falling apart, you know? They called me to go in and I declined because it's not enjoyable lately. My department has just been falling apart and it's terrible. It's really hard on me because I think people expect a lot from me. The expect the most from me and I don't know if I can always deliver what my best usually is. I feel like there's no one at the moment really working in my department but a core of about 3 or 4 people. Sigh. I'm so tired and burned out.
I try to take it day by day. I don't want to be one of those people who takes pills to feel better, although I am tempted to see if it worked. I don't know. That just seems scary to me. No offense to anyone who does. It's a brave thing to do and to each their own, really. I'm just a really old fashioned person. I find counseling helps. I also want to find God, I think. I think those are two things I need in my life. Otherwise, things can feel very empty.
I'm trying to find a church. I'm going to keep y'all posted.
I'm going to do some reading and then write some more before bed. I sort of promised myself. I hope everyone is well. Hope you all have a better weekend than mine!!! lol.
I think I feel stronger after all these crazy events lately, but I also feel like a human still. I'm not invincible, by no means. I know I need to move forward.
My job sent this wellness pamphlet to my house for team members and it said they can recommend a good counselor. I don't feel like I can cope with being my age a lot of the time. I just don't think I can deal with it and I'm having just a little anxiety from time to time. Like it feels like if I don't hold on there's this big snow bank that's going to collapse on me? Sigh. I imagine that that's normal. I think that's just life, you know and I just think that everyone else can handle it better than me. Life is hard, I know that in my heart. It's just that when I was younger I didn't expect it to be this hard. Like money, bills, work, dating, dishonesty, family. It can all take it's toll.
I've been working like everyday and then going out and just dating and it's too much. I don't know how my mom works everyday with no days off. I used to think a couple of months back that working everyday would keep me busy and focused, but it just makes me feel like I deserve to make bad decisions because I work so hard. I need a balance I know now. I don't want to go out all the time. I don't want to work all the time. I've been off from work since Tuesday evening and on Wednesday I just ended up doing nothing all day. I just slept and it rained and it was amazing. It was just an amazing feeling.
I've been going to be semi early. I wish it would rain all day tomorrow. I really don't want to go anywhere, but I have work at 6pm for four hours. It's the same for Saturday. I wish I had a weekend off. The next one will probably be my birthday. Sigh.
After having over two days off from work I don't want to go back. Work is falling apart, you know? They called me to go in and I declined because it's not enjoyable lately. My department has just been falling apart and it's terrible. It's really hard on me because I think people expect a lot from me. The expect the most from me and I don't know if I can always deliver what my best usually is. I feel like there's no one at the moment really working in my department but a core of about 3 or 4 people. Sigh. I'm so tired and burned out.
I try to take it day by day. I don't want to be one of those people who takes pills to feel better, although I am tempted to see if it worked. I don't know. That just seems scary to me. No offense to anyone who does. It's a brave thing to do and to each their own, really. I'm just a really old fashioned person. I find counseling helps. I also want to find God, I think. I think those are two things I need in my life. Otherwise, things can feel very empty.
I'm trying to find a church. I'm going to keep y'all posted.
I'm going to do some reading and then write some more before bed. I sort of promised myself. I hope everyone is well. Hope you all have a better weekend than mine!!! lol.