My soul lies on the floor like a dog...
Happy New Year everyone. I hope everyone is doing okay. I had an awful New Years Eve/early day, but I think last weekend was okay after that. I was just home, chillin' and resting up.
It's been snowing a great deal lately which I sorta like. It's so crazy that 2010 is already gone and it's now 2011. I feel like I didn't do anything significant with my year, I just made poor choices that really upset. I think their were good things I did. I think I really tried to be a better person at times, I really did, but it didn't take half the time. I feel like a lot of my 20's is sorta like picking up all these pieces because I've sorta been sabotaging my life since I stepped out of college and I feel backed up against a wall about it. So I don't know that 2011 will be different. I'm not too sure. I really hope so, but I don't know. I want to put my energy in a different place this year. No more dating is the most important thing to me right now, because I realize that dating isn't important to me anymore. I officially give up on it. I've been trying it for like a year and a half and I feel like all it's done is slowly eat away at my sanity week after week and at times I felt like I wanted to be committed for all these image issues and self-esteem things. Your 20's are the hardest thing you'll ever have to face. I wish someone could have told me that my teens would be the easiest time of my life. I'm not having an easy time and I know it's the same story every time I post here, but I'm talking true about the life I lead.
It's like a week into the new year and even with all that I have at stake I find it hard to stay in the house and just be still. I always still feel like I want to go out and yet I quietly went on on the past Sunday and it just made me anxious as always and upset. I like going to like a club sometimes but now that I'm older there are a lot of factors that play a part in going to the club. I have to go to the club with people who like it, genuinely. It can't be a douche-y club with prissy ladies, that can upset me. I feel like the only place I like is center st. I need this sort of escapism in life sometimes, but I think I get a little existential about everything in my life and it upsets me.
Someone asked me if I was depressed at work and I said I think I am, lol. I went the last few days of 2010 and just slept like these 12 hour nights and was still tired. The holiday season was just a little depressing to me because of work and I'm going through something right now and I was just like, okay, I'm going to just sleep so I don't have to think about this and was taking like sleeping meds, but I think I'm getting back to normal. I just felt like for a while I wasn't sleeping and I imagine that I was suffering from "exhaustion". I felt like I needed rehab and just needed to like sleep. I just feel like if people knew the things in my head that were making me feel this way, they would be tired too.
Christmas was good, just to update. I honestly don't even want to update right now, sometimes I feel to old for this and at times I feel I wish I didn't think that about myself.
I've been listening to a lot of music to take my mind off of things.
Jenny and Johnny
Best Coast
Ciara
Keri Hilson
Diddy-Dirty Money
Kanye West
Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
I can't get into my Nicki Minaj. I listened to it like once. Sigh. I feel like that album is really superficial. Like if you take away the songs about how much money she makes and how people don't like her she'd have like 3 songs. SMH.
I did some writing today. It just seemed appropriate. It's a new year and I haven't written in like a month. It felt kind of good. It was snowing and there was nothing to do so I felt I wanted to do something I enjoyed and I didn't want to say I just wasted my day away.
Right now I'm just watching the Kardashians and listening to my ipod, got some laundry in the wash.
It's another night in. Later.
It's been snowing a great deal lately which I sorta like. It's so crazy that 2010 is already gone and it's now 2011. I feel like I didn't do anything significant with my year, I just made poor choices that really upset. I think their were good things I did. I think I really tried to be a better person at times, I really did, but it didn't take half the time. I feel like a lot of my 20's is sorta like picking up all these pieces because I've sorta been sabotaging my life since I stepped out of college and I feel backed up against a wall about it. So I don't know that 2011 will be different. I'm not too sure. I really hope so, but I don't know. I want to put my energy in a different place this year. No more dating is the most important thing to me right now, because I realize that dating isn't important to me anymore. I officially give up on it. I've been trying it for like a year and a half and I feel like all it's done is slowly eat away at my sanity week after week and at times I felt like I wanted to be committed for all these image issues and self-esteem things. Your 20's are the hardest thing you'll ever have to face. I wish someone could have told me that my teens would be the easiest time of my life. I'm not having an easy time and I know it's the same story every time I post here, but I'm talking true about the life I lead.
It's like a week into the new year and even with all that I have at stake I find it hard to stay in the house and just be still. I always still feel like I want to go out and yet I quietly went on on the past Sunday and it just made me anxious as always and upset. I like going to like a club sometimes but now that I'm older there are a lot of factors that play a part in going to the club. I have to go to the club with people who like it, genuinely. It can't be a douche-y club with prissy ladies, that can upset me. I feel like the only place I like is center st. I need this sort of escapism in life sometimes, but I think I get a little existential about everything in my life and it upsets me.
Someone asked me if I was depressed at work and I said I think I am, lol. I went the last few days of 2010 and just slept like these 12 hour nights and was still tired. The holiday season was just a little depressing to me because of work and I'm going through something right now and I was just like, okay, I'm going to just sleep so I don't have to think about this and was taking like sleeping meds, but I think I'm getting back to normal. I just felt like for a while I wasn't sleeping and I imagine that I was suffering from "exhaustion". I felt like I needed rehab and just needed to like sleep. I just feel like if people knew the things in my head that were making me feel this way, they would be tired too.
Christmas was good, just to update. I honestly don't even want to update right now, sometimes I feel to old for this and at times I feel I wish I didn't think that about myself.
I've been listening to a lot of music to take my mind off of things.
Jenny and Johnny
Best Coast
Ciara
Keri Hilson
Diddy-Dirty Money
Kanye West
Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
I can't get into my Nicki Minaj. I listened to it like once. Sigh. I feel like that album is really superficial. Like if you take away the songs about how much money she makes and how people don't like her she'd have like 3 songs. SMH.
I did some writing today. It just seemed appropriate. It's a new year and I haven't written in like a month. It felt kind of good. It was snowing and there was nothing to do so I felt I wanted to do something I enjoyed and I didn't want to say I just wasted my day away.
Right now I'm just watching the Kardashians and listening to my ipod, got some laundry in the wash.
It's another night in. Later.