(no subject)
Some parts about not working really do suck. I didn't get out of bed untill 2 today, took a shower, got all depressed about my body, and I think I put on too much body spray, because I'm sitting here in front of the fan feeling lightheaded, and ready to pass out, and all I can smell is ginger lotus. Too much time to yourself is not a good thing. All I want right now is to look how I did in this live journal icon. I fear I may never get back on that train again. I know it's stupid to feel fat when you're pregnant, but if anyone could just understand the emotional termoil this has put me through....I've spent my whole pregnancy wishing it was over, so I wouldn't be fat, and as every day passes I get bigger and bigger... I watch and measure my stretchmarks crawl up my body and think about how I could never wear a bathing suit comfortably again. I can't get into having sex anymore, beause I feel repulsive, and I don't want to be looked at. This is not how I imagined being pregnant would be. I've always thought pregnant women were the most beautiful women there were.. Soo cute and adorable...And for as much as I always wished I had a little more junk in my trunk, this is not exactly what I had in mind. Amy and Zach have both told me that I'm becoming obsedssed with this, and I know I am... But I can't help it... I don't know how else to feel. I use to have soo much confidence. I was soo outgoing, and I never cared what people thought of me... Now all I can see is my belly, literally... I can't see my feet, my legs... I can however see my linebacker like arms, and my hips that seem to have grown to the proportion I've always wanted them, only four inches above where they should be, making my growing ass look flat and fat...I went form a size 13 to a 4 to a 15... I weighed almost 180 last I looked... That's almost 50 lbs onto what I was when I got pregnant. I understand that a lot of this is lost with the baby... but what about everything else? I can't diet if I'm breast feeding, and I'm not willing to give up my childs nutrition for my own benefit. I do plan to excersize, but none of this will get rid of the sagging flesh of where my baby once was... This flesh is already starting to become aparent as the baby moves down. Why does society have to do this to women? Why do I feel I have to look a certain way? What's worse, is I only make matters worse by bringing them up to my boyfriend or friends on a constant basis... Now what Zach may not have even payed attention to at first because it is normal for pregnancy, I'm making him painfully aware of, because of my own insecurities... I know I'm being foolish, but I can't help to be sad about it. I don't know what's going to happen when Mayleigh is born.. I don't want to spend some of the most precious moments of her life crying about my body.. I want to spend them happy with her, and Zach, as a family. Why did my pregnancy have to be so miserable... I'm ashamend that I didn't make the best of it when I could...