GG Fic: These Things She Keeps Behind Her Eyes (Part IV: In Our Bedroom After the War)
Title: These Things She Keeps Behind Her Eyes (Part IV: In Our Bedroom After the War)
Rating: Definitely an R (maybe NC-17? I'm never quite sure where that line is) for drinking, drugs, swearing, and sex
Pairings: Serena/Blair, Serena/Georgina, Serena/Nate, Serena/Random Guys, hinted at Serena/Chuck... lol, Serena's a little slutty in this one. Plus, Blair/Nate and some Georgina/Chuck, if you squint.
Spoilers: None really. This story is set before Serena leaves for boarding school, a "prequel" if you will, so technically no spoilers, but I do reference (steal) some things from the first season and the books, just not enough that you would actually be spoiled, I think.
Word Count: 23,765
Summary: Serena can see so many things; she wants to un-see so many things.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Gossip Girl... well, except for some of the books and a copy of the first season. But seriously, this is all in fun and I'm not making any money from it, blah blah blah.
A/N: Originally, this started as a small one-shot between Serena and Georgina and at some point it turned into this massively long story. This is just my take on the months that lead up to Serena taking off for boarding school. I wrote it exclusively from Serena's point-of-view 'cause I’ve found most of the things I've read were largely through Blair's eyes and I've always felt a little clueless about what's going on inside Serena's head. It turns out, I think she's pretty unsure herself.
A/N 2: This is pretty much my second fic ever, and I've been writing it since last November, so I got antsy and posted it without a beta. Also, I tried to challenge myself and wrote the whole thing in present-tense which I never write in and am not very comfortable with. So please, please do let me know about any errors I've missed. And of course, feedback of all kinds would be greatly appreciated.
Serena adjusts the books in her arms, freeing one hand to take the railing as she descends the front steps of Constance Billard. “What about the colours S? Should we go with a classic Sweet-sixteen pink palette?”
The glare Serena shoots Penelope seems to be extremely effective as the girl scoffs immediately at her own suggestion. “Of course, you’re right. Blair would hate that.” Penelope reaches out, resting a hand on Serena’s arm. “She’s so lucky to have such a great best friend.”
The girls share wide smiles with one another. “Thanks, P.”
“And you know, you really shouldn’t be carrying all that. Here,” Penelope snaps her fingers sharply and a young blonde girl emerges from behind Kati and Is, who are reading texts on their phones a few steps behind Serena and Penelope. “She can take that for you.”
Serena adds her books to the stack the girl is already carrying; Penelope continues on with different items on their (Blair’s) list that need going over. All the girls walk down the street, a small army of uniformed upper-eastside girls marching amid businessmen and tourists.
After about a block, Serena realizes she hasn’t heard any of the girls’ suggestions for Blair’s party, even though she’s been nodding continuously. It’s not like she doesn’t care, it’s just she's always been better at attending parties than planning them.
She’s about to ask Kati to repeat the last thing she said-did she really suggest a Hawaiian theme?-when Serena spots the black limousine following along beside them slowly.
“Hold on.” All the girls stop walking instantly and watch as Serena approaches the car. The tinted window lowers enough for Serena to peer down inside but still keeping the passenger hidden from the rest the world.
“Not tonight G,” Serena hisses under her breath, aware of the eager ears steps away.
Georgina lifts her hand to the open space and flicks a cigarette butt out past Serena’s shoulder, narrowly missing Penelope behind her. “Not even one drink babe?”
Serena sighs and looks back over her shoulder at the girls waiting behind her.
“Well, you can bring them if you want S, but I’m pretty sure they’ll be a harsh buzzkill. But if it means getting you to say yes, you know I’ll put up with them. Just for you hon.” Georgie’s bright red lips part showing a shockingly white flash of teeth against the dark interior of the car as she smiles.
“God, no, G! I don’t want them coming-”
“You sure? Maybe they want to join. Here, let me ask.”
The window lowers a little more and Georgina is about to lean forward when Serena grabs the door handle, opening the door a crack. “You guys can handle the rest right?” Serena is calling as she slides in, pushing Georgie further into the car, out of view.
The limo pulls out into the traffic, and Serena leans back out the window, waving at the group of confused girls, “Thanks for taking care of this P. You’re the best! See you tomorrow.”
********
“G, I can’t go in there.” Serena watches a mass of blazers and blouses and ties and plaid mill about the courtyard from behind the tinted glass of the limo window.
“Didn’t I promise I’d get you here on time? Didn’t I? And,” Georgina claps excitedly, beaming as she does, “look at that! You’re even early!”
“Georgie!” Serena grabs the girl’s hands, trapping her wild applause. “I said I can’t go in there.”
Pulling her hands out of Serena’s grasp, Georgina’s smile drops from her mouth as she visibly stiffens, perturbed. “Well, why the fuck not? I promised-you made me promise to get you here on time. Georgie I can’t go out, I have school. I can’t miss school.” Georgina chuckles at her own impression of Serena. “So I delivered, held up my end of the bargain. Don’t you fucking dare blame me-”
Serena turns from Georgina to look back out the window once more. In the middle of the courtyard she can see them, Blair and Nate and all of their friends gathered at one of the cement tables; the girls are talking animatedly around the table, sipping their morning lattes and teas, and the boys, standing just behind them, are just as engrossed in conversation and high-fives and slaps on the back.
She can feel Georgina’s fingers graze her neck as she pulls Serena’s hair back before sliding in close to her, hooking her head over her shoulder to look out the window at the scene Serena is watching. “G, I can’t go in there. Not like this-I’m still drunk.” Serena leans back a little, lets her head tilt to rest against Georgie’s before whispering softly, “They’ll notice.”
“Baby, no one’s going to notice.” There’s a slight tugging in her hair and Serena knows Georgie is tangling her hands up in it, knows Georgie is trying to get her to turn back to her. “Just watch them. They’re so busy talking-talking about themselves, they’re not even noticing each other. Trust me S, no one’s going to even bat an eye at you.”
“I don’t know G.” Serena turns this time and isn’t surprised to see an amused smirk gracing Georgina’s lips. Of course Georgie would find this amusing, Serena’s concern of how others might view her. Georgie would never think twice about going to class plastered; she’s probably done it-on several occasions-if she’s even bothered to show up.
Georgina runs her hands over Serena’s cheeks, smoothes back her hair, and Serena figures this is her attempt at comforting. And strangely, it kind of is as she finds herself closing her eyes, leaning into the touches. “It’s just been such a long night G and, and I don’t know if I can do it, you know.”
“Then stay here with me.” The words rush hotly against Serena’s lips as Georgina leans in close.
“No, G. I have to, I can’t-“ Serena lets out a soft, defeated sigh as she allows Georgina to press into her lips. She kisses her back for a moment longer than she means to before breaking away. “You don’t get it. I need to go no matter how tired I am. I promised.”
“Whatever.” Georgina pulls away, sliding across to the other side of the seat, leaving a harsh coldness to replace the spots her hands had been caressing.
Serena opens her eyes to see Georgina rummaging through her Marc Jacobs, her focus entirely shifted away from Serena and now onto something else. “Georgie? Georgie, don’t be mad.”
“You know, S, one of these days you’re going to realize,” a scowl forms as she pulls out a handful of random crap-cocktail napkins, lighters, gum, twenties-from her bag and piles it on the seat between them, “that not everything should revolve around her. That you need to learn to be your own fucking person.”
“That’s kinda rich coming from you G. I mean you’re the one who’s always trying to-“ Serena stops talking as she watches Georgina tap herself out a small bump out onto the back of her hand before pressing the small glass vial into Serena’s palm. “What’s this?”
Georgina laughs, “I’m pretty sure you know what that is. A hit or two and everyone will think you’re just being your usual bubbly self. Now,” Georgina leans across Serena’s lap, popping open the door and letting in a thin line of bright light, “get the fuck out of my car.”
*********
There’s not enough alcohol in the world, and she’s bored to tears listening to Jeremy and Anthony list the best goals of the season-and she’s seriously considering murdering Penelope for even bringing up lacrosse yet again-when she sees Blair and Nate return from the balcony.
Desperate for an easy escape, Serena makes the only excuse she knows Penelope will understand-Wow, look at what Nate gave Blair. I need a closer look-as she shoves her nearly empty wine glass into Jeremy’s empty hands, walking away without looking back.
A small crowd has formed around them, and Serena has to shove several gawkers out of the way before she actually reaches Nate and Blair. Nate’s beaming; Serena isn’t sure if it’s because of the praise he’s getting from everyone over the necklace he (Blair) picked out for Blair’s gift or maybe because of something else.
And she’s surprised a little by how much it’s bothering her, listening to everyone ooh and ahh over the gift; especially since it’s not even the right necklace, not even the best gift. It’s all getting a little sickening and Serena thinks she needs to leave, get away from all of this, so she turns quickly and her arm, shoulder bumps into her, knocks Blair’s drink just a little onto her dress.
“Jesus, S! My dress.” Serena reaches out at the same time as Blair to wipe the liquid away and instead Blair gets the dress and Serena gets her hand.
Clasping her hand tightly, Serena dips in close to Blair telling her-or asking; she’s not sure which-“I want to give you a birthday gift.”
“S,” her words are barely a whisper, “not now.”
“Yes, now.” And Serena is pulling, locking them into the bathroom before even she knows what she is doing.
“S, you’re drunk.” Blair brushes past Serena towards the vanity, setting her martini glass down on the marble counter.
Serena follows Blair, positioning herself behind her as Blair rakes her fingers through the ends of hair. “It’s a party B. There’s drinking at parties. You’re drinking,” Serena leans forward, scooping the glass up from the counter. She holds it, waving about her evidence a bit, and both girls watch the show in the mirror before Serena gulps down the last of Blair’s martini.
“Not anymore,” Blair’s eyebrow lifts pointedly as Serena places the empty drink back on the counter.
Serena presses into Blair; she wraps an arm around her waist, pinning her slightly against the sink. “I’ll get you a new one,” and she can see Blair return the smile she flashes at her in the mirror. Serena takes in all of Blair, the whole sight. As her eyes skim over Blair’s reflection she can see a rosy tint begin to peek out from beneath her make-up, and it makes Blair glow, shine even more than the diamond-accented necklace hanging around her neck.
Blair’s eyes fix on the reflection of Serena’s fingers perched over the necklace draped along her collarbone, as she traces her fingers over every stone, every link, down to the pendant at the center of her chest. “You know, he should have at least got you the earrings too.” Serena’s fingers slide past the large diamond onto Blair’s skin; she draws them up slowly, following the line of the necklace, until she reaches the side of her neck. Just below the surface of Blair’s skin, Serena can feel the beat of her pulse.
She leans in close, replacing her fingers with her lips. Blair lets out a soft sigh as Serena works her way towards her ear. She whispers between each delicate press of her lips, “I would have got you both. It’s just the proper thing to do-they’re a set.”
Blair turns around so now Serena has both her arms holding her in a lazy embrace. “Yeah? Well, I like what he got me.”
Serena is laughing as she leans forward, her lips ever so slightly hovering next to Blair’s. “If this is a competition, I think my present wins.”
And Blair grabs the back of Serena’s head as she crushes their lips together.
*********
Nate bounds up the steps, taking two at a time. “Hey,” he leans down giving Blair a quick peck on the lips and one to Serena’s cheek. “Can I have a bite of that?”
Blair hands over the rest of her scone and gestures for Nate to take a seat beside her on the steps.
“Nah, thanks sweetie,” his words are muffled by a mouthful of dry crumbling scone. “Um-can I?” Serena passes him her latte, and he gulps down a few large sips.
“We’re just going over some details for my parents’ Thanksgiving dinner. You can stay and help if you want?”
Nate beams down at Blair. “It’s okay Blair, I haven’t forgotten about the dinner. You don’t need to pretend to want my help.”
“But Nate! Everyone knows you’re so passionate about eating. I’m sure Blair just thinks you’re the perfect person to help.” Serena wraps an arm around Blair’s shoulders, giving a playful squeeze; Nate erupts with a deep chuckle.
“Yeah, I do love eating.” Nate glances over his shoulder at the group of guys waiting for him down below on the sidewalk. “But anyway, the guys and I are headed to the park to practice a bit. So-” Nate locks eyes with Blair.
“Seven o’clock. Don’t be late.” Blair smiles sweetly at Nate as he bends down to give her another kiss before dashing back down the steps to his friends.
“What’s at seven, B?”
Blair rustles through some of the papers in her lap, placing Bobby Flay’s sample menu on the top. “Oh, we just decided to make Tuesday’s our ‘date night’. To, you know, help us get back on track after his-after Nate’s little transgression.”
Serena watches as Blair continues to look over her various lists, read through the notes and comments she’s written all over the different menu options; she watches Blair avoid looking at her.
“I thought we were watching movies tonight?”
“Sorry, S. What can I say? I guess I forgot to tell you.”
She is shaking her head as she grabs her cup and bag and starts to get up when Serena feels Blair’s hand tighten around her wrist. “We can watch movies tomorrow. I promise.”
Serena looks down into Blair’s brown eyes, and doesn’t really know why she is so quick to sit back down.
********
“Compliments of the gentlemen over there,” the bartender nods his chin in the direction of two guys standing at the other end of the bar.
“Christ. Why the fuck do guys think women only drink fucking cosmos?”
Serena picks the drink up and smiles over at the two guys, gives them an appreciative nod before taking a small sip. “It’s not that bad Georgie,” she says from behind the cocktail. “Just smile and nod and drink your free drink.”
“Couldn’t they have at least told the bartender to get us more of what we’re already drinking? This sugary shit clashes with my whiskey.” Georgina copies Serena’s smile, nod, and drink routine from a moment earlier before turning back to Serena. “And S, I know you don’t actually believe that drink is free.”
Serena watches as the two men smooth back their hair and adjust their ties before making their way through the crowd over to their side of the room. “They’re all free if I want them to be, G.”
Georgina’s laughter drowns out the guys’ first attempts at introducing themselves, and Serena is thrilled she doesn’t have to pretend to be wowed by whatever cheesy line they tried to use.
“Sorry, my friend... Jasmine , she’s just having a really good time tonight. I’m-Ariel,” Serena reaches out to delicately shake the closest guy’s hand. “What did you say your names were again?”
Still holding her hand, he bends forward placing a light kiss to the back of her hand, and Serena glances over at Georgina to see a fresh round of laughter begin to bubble to the surface. “I’m Brent. And this little fucker is Lyle.”
*********
Slowly, he lowers the zipper down her back before sliding his hands under the thin material and pushing the dress off her shoulders to pool on the floor below. She steps out of the circle of gold sequins, towards the bed. She can feel him follow closely behind, settling in behind as she kneels on the satin bed sheets.
His fingers trace down her spine lightly, touching every vertebrate; his lips mimic his fingers, working his way down until he reaches the small of her back. A light push with his hands on her waist and she bends forward, on all fours.
He’s inside her with a quick thrust and she gasps. He pulls back a bit, slower, as he runs his hands over the surface of her golden skin, tangling through her hair. His strokes become measured and gentle as if he’s savouring every moment; as if he’s making love.
And it’s all too slow for her. She needs this to be, “Faster. Harder.” The words tumble from her lips as she pushes back into him, speeds up his pace. And he catches on quick (thank god), giving up the gentle act as he slams in deep, over and over.
Her moans are low, his grunts ragged, but it’s Georgie’s laughter floating through the walls and she suddenly twitches around his cock. She clenches her eyes shut as she pushes back to meet his thrusts, feeling a slight sting as his hipbone grinds into her (and she knows there will be a small bruise tomorrow).
He reaches around, pulling her up by the waist so she is flush against his chest. His thick fingers slide down her abdomen towards her center but now it’s slender fingers moving through her curls, rubbing her clit. And his taut muscles have become soft creamy skin, soft creamy breasts slick with sweat.
And it’s crimson lips sweeping up her neck, leaving red stains on her tan skin, as they head for her earlobe; it’s small hands pulling her hair back, aside, golden tresses mingling with brunette ringlets. And instead of grunts there is only throaty moans and hot breath sending shivers to her core. And Serena can feel herself begin to tighten around three fingers buried deep in her cunt.
“B, B-I’m coming, I’m gonna-“
One, two more strokes and they fall forward onto the cool sheets, chests heaving with exhaustion.
But now the body resting on top of her, pinning her into the mattress, is too heavy. Serena stills herself, her breathing, waiting silently for his breathing to become slow and measured; waiting until she can slip her gold dress back on and herself out the door.
*********
“Miss Serena, Miss Blair out,” Dorota greets her as the elevator doors slide open. “She have dinner at Nobu with Mister Nate tonight.”
“Oh, right. I guess I forgot.”
Dorota glances at the shirt and tie Serena has draped over one arm and the two DVD cases-Sabrina and Roman Holiday-she’s holding in the other hand. “But you stay. Wait for her.”
“Well, I guess-“
My loneliness is killin’ me, and I... I must confess I still believe, still believe
Dorota and Serena both stare down at the bag dangling from beneath the clothing she is holding.
When I’m not with you I lose my mind... Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time
“She not be long. You stay. I make your favourite, grilled cheese with Jarlsberg.” Serena looks at Dorota’s hopeful (pleading) eyes.
Oh baby, baby how was I supposed to know... Oh pretty baby, I shouldn’t have let you go
And she casts her eyes down as she hands Dorota the movies and clothes she brought with her. “Thanks, but I really should get going.”
I must confess that my loneliness... Is killin’ me now
Dorota places the items on the table next to her, neatly, beside a crystal vase full of flowers. “Miss Serena, no need to answer phone. No need to go.”
Don’t you know I still believe...That you will be here
Serena presses the button to call the elevator car back to the apartment before she begins fishing around for her cell. “Thank Harold for the shirt and tie for me. And tell her, tell her-“
And give me a sign
The doors slide open just as Serena pulls the phone out; she steps in looking back at Dorota, “Don’t tell her anything.”
Hit me baby-
“Hey G. What’s up?”
********
“Say it,” Georgina rasps into Serena’s ear. Her breath is hot and tickles slightly as she says the words over and over again, each time a little faster, a little more ragged.
Serena’s been here before. Well, not here here, since she isn’t even sure exactly where they are. A hotel, sure, but which one she couldn’t say, though she thinks they’re still in Manhattan. But she’s definitely been in this position before, with Georgina poised above her, fingers deep within her. Even if she doesn’t remember how many martinis she’s had or which pills she said yes to and which ones no or stumbling into the room, back onto the bed or who the guy passed out next to them is, everything about this has become too familiar.
Georgina slows a little, lifting her head up to look at Serena. Her eyes lock on Serena’s, and for a second, as she tries to look back, Serena realizes just how fuzzy the whole evening has been, literally, blurry as if she were underwater with her eyes open. She is underwater, she thinks, floating. Her breathing starts to hitch, she needs air; but whether it’s because of the sudden flick of Georgie’s thumb over her clit and a twist of fingers in just the right way or because she’s been submerged for too long, Serena can’t say.
Georgina seems to think it’s because of her though, a smug grin telling Serena. And maybe she’s right, maybe Serena’s gasping for air because Georgie’s about to make her come like so many times before. And her throat tightening, closing, is because of the trail of kisses Georgina just left on her way down Serena’s body. And the pain, the heavy pain that’s spreading out from her chest, is because of the sharp bite Georgie just gave to her nipple. And the hot, searing hot that’s starting to take over her body, rushing through her limbs, filling her whole body, weighing her down, is because Georgie’s tongue is swiping, sucking, circling. Yeah, this is all because of Georgina, because Georgina knows how to make Serena come; how to make her feel like she’s floating.
“Say it for me S,” Georgina all but growls as she pauses, peering up from between perfectly tanned thighs. Serena looks down at her, actually looks, at the hungry eyes that are staring straight at her, no, through her. It’s only a split-second, but her focus is sharp and Serena knows.
“God, fuck,” she chokes out. “Fuck, I love you.” And just as fast as the words leave Serena’s mouth, Georgina’s is back on her. And the pain and the hot rushing throughout and the weight all crash back down on Serena. She’s floating, floating, because Georgie knows how to make her come, because it’s Georgie’s fingers and tongue-
because she needs me, she loves me, she thinks she loves me and I need to love her, I need this to be love, I need to be floating, floating please let this be floating please please
-the orgasm rolls through her; her vision turns into bright hot white, and Serena has never seen more clearly. Her focus is sharp and Serena knows. Serena knows Georgie may be floating-I love you-floating higher than the pills were meant to take her, but she is still underwater slowing sinking, drowning.
***********
The elevator door dings open and Serena steps out into the foyer. It’s too early for anyone to be up so she isn’t surprised to find the penthouse completely still.
Enough light fills the halls that Serena can make her way up to Blair’s room without bumping into anything; though she knows the way so well by now she could do it perfectly with her eyes closed. She pushes the door open as quietly as possible, fearing Blair might hear and wake.
As she makes her way across the room towards the bed she discards her bag, coat, shoes, dress. Pulling the duvet back just enough for her to slip in, she nestles in beside Blair, instinctively wrapping an arm around her waist. Blair stirs slightly, pressing back into her but not waking.
A long deep whiff of the lavender and peppermint scented shampoo Blair uses and Serena is closing her eyes, falling asleep, for the first time in two days.
***********
“Good morning sunshine. Or I guess I should say afternoon.”
“Mmmm... B? What time is it? Where-“
“Sorry I didn’t wake you before leaving. You looked so peaceful sleeping. Actually,” Serena hears soft laughter over the line, “I’m not sure I could’ve if I tried.”
“B, where are you?”
“With my dad. Remember, there’s a game at Yale and we’re-“
“I need to talk to you.”
“Um, S? You’re on a phone. And this thing we’re doing right now? It’s called talking.”
“No. Blair, I mean, I really need to talk to you. When will you be back?”
“Not until Sunday. We should be back in time for the reception but I think we’re going to miss the ceremony.”
“What? I can’t-“
“Do you mind going with Nate to the wedding? I told him I would, but obviously-“
“No. I mean, yes. B, can’t you come back sooner?”
“Serena, you know how much I’ve been looking forward to this. It’s just two days. We can talk when I get back, I promise.”
“Yeah, sure. I guess.”
“S, get Dorota to make you something to eat before you leave. I gotta go now.”
“Wait. B?”
“Yes?”
“I love you. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, S. I love you too.”
***********
Beautiful country-side scenery is whizzing by Serena’s window. Her head is leaning against the glass, the rim of her sunglasses occasionally vibrating whenever a bump or jerk of the train car causes them to touch the pane. But Serena isn’t taking in any of the sights; she is too busy watching her own from behind closed eyes.
She can see so many things: Nate’s sandy-blond hair as she runs her fingers through it, mussing it up; Georgie’s maniacal grin as she accepts yet another drink from a stranger; Blair’s brown eyes as they look right back into her own.
She wants to un-see so many things: the thin line of her mother’s tightly pursed lips; tears glistening on Eric’s cheeks; Blair’s brown eyes as they look right back into her own.
Serena opens her eyes and blinks against the bright sunlight. There are trees, a mixture of orange and brown and green, streaking by her window. She takes off her sunglasses, placing them on the empty seat next to her. She turns back to the window, and looks at the reflection, her reflection, staring back at her from the glass. She doesn’t close her eyes.
O, the blood and the treasure,
And then losing it all,
The time that we wasted,
And the place where we fall.
Will we wake in the morning
And know what it was all for?
Up in our bedroom after the war.
-The Beginning After the End, Stars
Rating: Definitely an R (maybe NC-17? I'm never quite sure where that line is) for drinking, drugs, swearing, and sex
Pairings: Serena/Blair, Serena/Georgina, Serena/Nate, Serena/Random Guys, hinted at Serena/Chuck... lol, Serena's a little slutty in this one. Plus, Blair/Nate and some Georgina/Chuck, if you squint.
Spoilers: None really. This story is set before Serena leaves for boarding school, a "prequel" if you will, so technically no spoilers, but I do reference (steal) some things from the first season and the books, just not enough that you would actually be spoiled, I think.
Word Count: 23,765
Summary: Serena can see so many things; she wants to un-see so many things.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Gossip Girl... well, except for some of the books and a copy of the first season. But seriously, this is all in fun and I'm not making any money from it, blah blah blah.
A/N: Originally, this started as a small one-shot between Serena and Georgina and at some point it turned into this massively long story. This is just my take on the months that lead up to Serena taking off for boarding school. I wrote it exclusively from Serena's point-of-view 'cause I’ve found most of the things I've read were largely through Blair's eyes and I've always felt a little clueless about what's going on inside Serena's head. It turns out, I think she's pretty unsure herself.
A/N 2: This is pretty much my second fic ever, and I've been writing it since last November, so I got antsy and posted it without a beta. Also, I tried to challenge myself and wrote the whole thing in present-tense which I never write in and am not very comfortable with. So please, please do let me know about any errors I've missed. And of course, feedback of all kinds would be greatly appreciated.
Serena adjusts the books in her arms, freeing one hand to take the railing as she descends the front steps of Constance Billard. “What about the colours S? Should we go with a classic Sweet-sixteen pink palette?”
The glare Serena shoots Penelope seems to be extremely effective as the girl scoffs immediately at her own suggestion. “Of course, you’re right. Blair would hate that.” Penelope reaches out, resting a hand on Serena’s arm. “She’s so lucky to have such a great best friend.”
The girls share wide smiles with one another. “Thanks, P.”
“And you know, you really shouldn’t be carrying all that. Here,” Penelope snaps her fingers sharply and a young blonde girl emerges from behind Kati and Is, who are reading texts on their phones a few steps behind Serena and Penelope. “She can take that for you.”
Serena adds her books to the stack the girl is already carrying; Penelope continues on with different items on their (Blair’s) list that need going over. All the girls walk down the street, a small army of uniformed upper-eastside girls marching amid businessmen and tourists.
After about a block, Serena realizes she hasn’t heard any of the girls’ suggestions for Blair’s party, even though she’s been nodding continuously. It’s not like she doesn’t care, it’s just she's always been better at attending parties than planning them.
She’s about to ask Kati to repeat the last thing she said-did she really suggest a Hawaiian theme?-when Serena spots the black limousine following along beside them slowly.
“Hold on.” All the girls stop walking instantly and watch as Serena approaches the car. The tinted window lowers enough for Serena to peer down inside but still keeping the passenger hidden from the rest the world.
“Not tonight G,” Serena hisses under her breath, aware of the eager ears steps away.
Georgina lifts her hand to the open space and flicks a cigarette butt out past Serena’s shoulder, narrowly missing Penelope behind her. “Not even one drink babe?”
Serena sighs and looks back over her shoulder at the girls waiting behind her.
“Well, you can bring them if you want S, but I’m pretty sure they’ll be a harsh buzzkill. But if it means getting you to say yes, you know I’ll put up with them. Just for you hon.” Georgie’s bright red lips part showing a shockingly white flash of teeth against the dark interior of the car as she smiles.
“God, no, G! I don’t want them coming-”
“You sure? Maybe they want to join. Here, let me ask.”
The window lowers a little more and Georgina is about to lean forward when Serena grabs the door handle, opening the door a crack. “You guys can handle the rest right?” Serena is calling as she slides in, pushing Georgie further into the car, out of view.
The limo pulls out into the traffic, and Serena leans back out the window, waving at the group of confused girls, “Thanks for taking care of this P. You’re the best! See you tomorrow.”
********
“G, I can’t go in there.” Serena watches a mass of blazers and blouses and ties and plaid mill about the courtyard from behind the tinted glass of the limo window.
“Didn’t I promise I’d get you here on time? Didn’t I? And,” Georgina claps excitedly, beaming as she does, “look at that! You’re even early!”
“Georgie!” Serena grabs the girl’s hands, trapping her wild applause. “I said I can’t go in there.”
Pulling her hands out of Serena’s grasp, Georgina’s smile drops from her mouth as she visibly stiffens, perturbed. “Well, why the fuck not? I promised-you made me promise to get you here on time. Georgie I can’t go out, I have school. I can’t miss school.” Georgina chuckles at her own impression of Serena. “So I delivered, held up my end of the bargain. Don’t you fucking dare blame me-”
Serena turns from Georgina to look back out the window once more. In the middle of the courtyard she can see them, Blair and Nate and all of their friends gathered at one of the cement tables; the girls are talking animatedly around the table, sipping their morning lattes and teas, and the boys, standing just behind them, are just as engrossed in conversation and high-fives and slaps on the back.
She can feel Georgina’s fingers graze her neck as she pulls Serena’s hair back before sliding in close to her, hooking her head over her shoulder to look out the window at the scene Serena is watching. “G, I can’t go in there. Not like this-I’m still drunk.” Serena leans back a little, lets her head tilt to rest against Georgie’s before whispering softly, “They’ll notice.”
“Baby, no one’s going to notice.” There’s a slight tugging in her hair and Serena knows Georgie is tangling her hands up in it, knows Georgie is trying to get her to turn back to her. “Just watch them. They’re so busy talking-talking about themselves, they’re not even noticing each other. Trust me S, no one’s going to even bat an eye at you.”
“I don’t know G.” Serena turns this time and isn’t surprised to see an amused smirk gracing Georgina’s lips. Of course Georgie would find this amusing, Serena’s concern of how others might view her. Georgie would never think twice about going to class plastered; she’s probably done it-on several occasions-if she’s even bothered to show up.
Georgina runs her hands over Serena’s cheeks, smoothes back her hair, and Serena figures this is her attempt at comforting. And strangely, it kind of is as she finds herself closing her eyes, leaning into the touches. “It’s just been such a long night G and, and I don’t know if I can do it, you know.”
“Then stay here with me.” The words rush hotly against Serena’s lips as Georgina leans in close.
“No, G. I have to, I can’t-“ Serena lets out a soft, defeated sigh as she allows Georgina to press into her lips. She kisses her back for a moment longer than she means to before breaking away. “You don’t get it. I need to go no matter how tired I am. I promised.”
“Whatever.” Georgina pulls away, sliding across to the other side of the seat, leaving a harsh coldness to replace the spots her hands had been caressing.
Serena opens her eyes to see Georgina rummaging through her Marc Jacobs, her focus entirely shifted away from Serena and now onto something else. “Georgie? Georgie, don’t be mad.”
“You know, S, one of these days you’re going to realize,” a scowl forms as she pulls out a handful of random crap-cocktail napkins, lighters, gum, twenties-from her bag and piles it on the seat between them, “that not everything should revolve around her. That you need to learn to be your own fucking person.”
“That’s kinda rich coming from you G. I mean you’re the one who’s always trying to-“ Serena stops talking as she watches Georgina tap herself out a small bump out onto the back of her hand before pressing the small glass vial into Serena’s palm. “What’s this?”
Georgina laughs, “I’m pretty sure you know what that is. A hit or two and everyone will think you’re just being your usual bubbly self. Now,” Georgina leans across Serena’s lap, popping open the door and letting in a thin line of bright light, “get the fuck out of my car.”
*********
There’s not enough alcohol in the world, and she’s bored to tears listening to Jeremy and Anthony list the best goals of the season-and she’s seriously considering murdering Penelope for even bringing up lacrosse yet again-when she sees Blair and Nate return from the balcony.
Desperate for an easy escape, Serena makes the only excuse she knows Penelope will understand-Wow, look at what Nate gave Blair. I need a closer look-as she shoves her nearly empty wine glass into Jeremy’s empty hands, walking away without looking back.
A small crowd has formed around them, and Serena has to shove several gawkers out of the way before she actually reaches Nate and Blair. Nate’s beaming; Serena isn’t sure if it’s because of the praise he’s getting from everyone over the necklace he (Blair) picked out for Blair’s gift or maybe because of something else.
And she’s surprised a little by how much it’s bothering her, listening to everyone ooh and ahh over the gift; especially since it’s not even the right necklace, not even the best gift. It’s all getting a little sickening and Serena thinks she needs to leave, get away from all of this, so she turns quickly and her arm, shoulder bumps into her, knocks Blair’s drink just a little onto her dress.
“Jesus, S! My dress.” Serena reaches out at the same time as Blair to wipe the liquid away and instead Blair gets the dress and Serena gets her hand.
Clasping her hand tightly, Serena dips in close to Blair telling her-or asking; she’s not sure which-“I want to give you a birthday gift.”
“S,” her words are barely a whisper, “not now.”
“Yes, now.” And Serena is pulling, locking them into the bathroom before even she knows what she is doing.
“S, you’re drunk.” Blair brushes past Serena towards the vanity, setting her martini glass down on the marble counter.
Serena follows Blair, positioning herself behind her as Blair rakes her fingers through the ends of hair. “It’s a party B. There’s drinking at parties. You’re drinking,” Serena leans forward, scooping the glass up from the counter. She holds it, waving about her evidence a bit, and both girls watch the show in the mirror before Serena gulps down the last of Blair’s martini.
“Not anymore,” Blair’s eyebrow lifts pointedly as Serena places the empty drink back on the counter.
Serena presses into Blair; she wraps an arm around her waist, pinning her slightly against the sink. “I’ll get you a new one,” and she can see Blair return the smile she flashes at her in the mirror. Serena takes in all of Blair, the whole sight. As her eyes skim over Blair’s reflection she can see a rosy tint begin to peek out from beneath her make-up, and it makes Blair glow, shine even more than the diamond-accented necklace hanging around her neck.
Blair’s eyes fix on the reflection of Serena’s fingers perched over the necklace draped along her collarbone, as she traces her fingers over every stone, every link, down to the pendant at the center of her chest. “You know, he should have at least got you the earrings too.” Serena’s fingers slide past the large diamond onto Blair’s skin; she draws them up slowly, following the line of the necklace, until she reaches the side of her neck. Just below the surface of Blair’s skin, Serena can feel the beat of her pulse.
She leans in close, replacing her fingers with her lips. Blair lets out a soft sigh as Serena works her way towards her ear. She whispers between each delicate press of her lips, “I would have got you both. It’s just the proper thing to do-they’re a set.”
Blair turns around so now Serena has both her arms holding her in a lazy embrace. “Yeah? Well, I like what he got me.”
Serena is laughing as she leans forward, her lips ever so slightly hovering next to Blair’s. “If this is a competition, I think my present wins.”
And Blair grabs the back of Serena’s head as she crushes their lips together.
*********
Nate bounds up the steps, taking two at a time. “Hey,” he leans down giving Blair a quick peck on the lips and one to Serena’s cheek. “Can I have a bite of that?”
Blair hands over the rest of her scone and gestures for Nate to take a seat beside her on the steps.
“Nah, thanks sweetie,” his words are muffled by a mouthful of dry crumbling scone. “Um-can I?” Serena passes him her latte, and he gulps down a few large sips.
“We’re just going over some details for my parents’ Thanksgiving dinner. You can stay and help if you want?”
Nate beams down at Blair. “It’s okay Blair, I haven’t forgotten about the dinner. You don’t need to pretend to want my help.”
“But Nate! Everyone knows you’re so passionate about eating. I’m sure Blair just thinks you’re the perfect person to help.” Serena wraps an arm around Blair’s shoulders, giving a playful squeeze; Nate erupts with a deep chuckle.
“Yeah, I do love eating.” Nate glances over his shoulder at the group of guys waiting for him down below on the sidewalk. “But anyway, the guys and I are headed to the park to practice a bit. So-” Nate locks eyes with Blair.
“Seven o’clock. Don’t be late.” Blair smiles sweetly at Nate as he bends down to give her another kiss before dashing back down the steps to his friends.
“What’s at seven, B?”
Blair rustles through some of the papers in her lap, placing Bobby Flay’s sample menu on the top. “Oh, we just decided to make Tuesday’s our ‘date night’. To, you know, help us get back on track after his-after Nate’s little transgression.”
Serena watches as Blair continues to look over her various lists, read through the notes and comments she’s written all over the different menu options; she watches Blair avoid looking at her.
“I thought we were watching movies tonight?”
“Sorry, S. What can I say? I guess I forgot to tell you.”
She is shaking her head as she grabs her cup and bag and starts to get up when Serena feels Blair’s hand tighten around her wrist. “We can watch movies tomorrow. I promise.”
Serena looks down into Blair’s brown eyes, and doesn’t really know why she is so quick to sit back down.
********
“Compliments of the gentlemen over there,” the bartender nods his chin in the direction of two guys standing at the other end of the bar.
“Christ. Why the fuck do guys think women only drink fucking cosmos?”
Serena picks the drink up and smiles over at the two guys, gives them an appreciative nod before taking a small sip. “It’s not that bad Georgie,” she says from behind the cocktail. “Just smile and nod and drink your free drink.”
“Couldn’t they have at least told the bartender to get us more of what we’re already drinking? This sugary shit clashes with my whiskey.” Georgina copies Serena’s smile, nod, and drink routine from a moment earlier before turning back to Serena. “And S, I know you don’t actually believe that drink is free.”
Serena watches as the two men smooth back their hair and adjust their ties before making their way through the crowd over to their side of the room. “They’re all free if I want them to be, G.”
Georgina’s laughter drowns out the guys’ first attempts at introducing themselves, and Serena is thrilled she doesn’t have to pretend to be wowed by whatever cheesy line they tried to use.
“Sorry, my friend... Jasmine , she’s just having a really good time tonight. I’m-Ariel,” Serena reaches out to delicately shake the closest guy’s hand. “What did you say your names were again?”
Still holding her hand, he bends forward placing a light kiss to the back of her hand, and Serena glances over at Georgina to see a fresh round of laughter begin to bubble to the surface. “I’m Brent. And this little fucker is Lyle.”
*********
Slowly, he lowers the zipper down her back before sliding his hands under the thin material and pushing the dress off her shoulders to pool on the floor below. She steps out of the circle of gold sequins, towards the bed. She can feel him follow closely behind, settling in behind as she kneels on the satin bed sheets.
His fingers trace down her spine lightly, touching every vertebrate; his lips mimic his fingers, working his way down until he reaches the small of her back. A light push with his hands on her waist and she bends forward, on all fours.
He’s inside her with a quick thrust and she gasps. He pulls back a bit, slower, as he runs his hands over the surface of her golden skin, tangling through her hair. His strokes become measured and gentle as if he’s savouring every moment; as if he’s making love.
And it’s all too slow for her. She needs this to be, “Faster. Harder.” The words tumble from her lips as she pushes back into him, speeds up his pace. And he catches on quick (thank god), giving up the gentle act as he slams in deep, over and over.
Her moans are low, his grunts ragged, but it’s Georgie’s laughter floating through the walls and she suddenly twitches around his cock. She clenches her eyes shut as she pushes back to meet his thrusts, feeling a slight sting as his hipbone grinds into her (and she knows there will be a small bruise tomorrow).
He reaches around, pulling her up by the waist so she is flush against his chest. His thick fingers slide down her abdomen towards her center but now it’s slender fingers moving through her curls, rubbing her clit. And his taut muscles have become soft creamy skin, soft creamy breasts slick with sweat.
And it’s crimson lips sweeping up her neck, leaving red stains on her tan skin, as they head for her earlobe; it’s small hands pulling her hair back, aside, golden tresses mingling with brunette ringlets. And instead of grunts there is only throaty moans and hot breath sending shivers to her core. And Serena can feel herself begin to tighten around three fingers buried deep in her cunt.
“B, B-I’m coming, I’m gonna-“
One, two more strokes and they fall forward onto the cool sheets, chests heaving with exhaustion.
But now the body resting on top of her, pinning her into the mattress, is too heavy. Serena stills herself, her breathing, waiting silently for his breathing to become slow and measured; waiting until she can slip her gold dress back on and herself out the door.
*********
“Miss Serena, Miss Blair out,” Dorota greets her as the elevator doors slide open. “She have dinner at Nobu with Mister Nate tonight.”
“Oh, right. I guess I forgot.”
Dorota glances at the shirt and tie Serena has draped over one arm and the two DVD cases-Sabrina and Roman Holiday-she’s holding in the other hand. “But you stay. Wait for her.”
“Well, I guess-“
My loneliness is killin’ me, and I... I must confess I still believe, still believe
Dorota and Serena both stare down at the bag dangling from beneath the clothing she is holding.
When I’m not with you I lose my mind... Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time
“She not be long. You stay. I make your favourite, grilled cheese with Jarlsberg.” Serena looks at Dorota’s hopeful (pleading) eyes.
Oh baby, baby how was I supposed to know... Oh pretty baby, I shouldn’t have let you go
And she casts her eyes down as she hands Dorota the movies and clothes she brought with her. “Thanks, but I really should get going.”
I must confess that my loneliness... Is killin’ me now
Dorota places the items on the table next to her, neatly, beside a crystal vase full of flowers. “Miss Serena, no need to answer phone. No need to go.”
Don’t you know I still believe...That you will be here
Serena presses the button to call the elevator car back to the apartment before she begins fishing around for her cell. “Thank Harold for the shirt and tie for me. And tell her, tell her-“
And give me a sign
The doors slide open just as Serena pulls the phone out; she steps in looking back at Dorota, “Don’t tell her anything.”
Hit me baby-
“Hey G. What’s up?”
********
“Say it,” Georgina rasps into Serena’s ear. Her breath is hot and tickles slightly as she says the words over and over again, each time a little faster, a little more ragged.
Serena’s been here before. Well, not here here, since she isn’t even sure exactly where they are. A hotel, sure, but which one she couldn’t say, though she thinks they’re still in Manhattan. But she’s definitely been in this position before, with Georgina poised above her, fingers deep within her. Even if she doesn’t remember how many martinis she’s had or which pills she said yes to and which ones no or stumbling into the room, back onto the bed or who the guy passed out next to them is, everything about this has become too familiar.
Georgina slows a little, lifting her head up to look at Serena. Her eyes lock on Serena’s, and for a second, as she tries to look back, Serena realizes just how fuzzy the whole evening has been, literally, blurry as if she were underwater with her eyes open. She is underwater, she thinks, floating. Her breathing starts to hitch, she needs air; but whether it’s because of the sudden flick of Georgie’s thumb over her clit and a twist of fingers in just the right way or because she’s been submerged for too long, Serena can’t say.
Georgina seems to think it’s because of her though, a smug grin telling Serena. And maybe she’s right, maybe Serena’s gasping for air because Georgie’s about to make her come like so many times before. And her throat tightening, closing, is because of the trail of kisses Georgina just left on her way down Serena’s body. And the pain, the heavy pain that’s spreading out from her chest, is because of the sharp bite Georgie just gave to her nipple. And the hot, searing hot that’s starting to take over her body, rushing through her limbs, filling her whole body, weighing her down, is because Georgie’s tongue is swiping, sucking, circling. Yeah, this is all because of Georgina, because Georgina knows how to make Serena come; how to make her feel like she’s floating.
“Say it for me S,” Georgina all but growls as she pauses, peering up from between perfectly tanned thighs. Serena looks down at her, actually looks, at the hungry eyes that are staring straight at her, no, through her. It’s only a split-second, but her focus is sharp and Serena knows.
“God, fuck,” she chokes out. “Fuck, I love you.” And just as fast as the words leave Serena’s mouth, Georgina’s is back on her. And the pain and the hot rushing throughout and the weight all crash back down on Serena. She’s floating, floating, because Georgie knows how to make her come, because it’s Georgie’s fingers and tongue-
because she needs me, she loves me, she thinks she loves me and I need to love her, I need this to be love, I need to be floating, floating please let this be floating please please
-the orgasm rolls through her; her vision turns into bright hot white, and Serena has never seen more clearly. Her focus is sharp and Serena knows. Serena knows Georgie may be floating-I love you-floating higher than the pills were meant to take her, but she is still underwater slowing sinking, drowning.
***********
The elevator door dings open and Serena steps out into the foyer. It’s too early for anyone to be up so she isn’t surprised to find the penthouse completely still.
Enough light fills the halls that Serena can make her way up to Blair’s room without bumping into anything; though she knows the way so well by now she could do it perfectly with her eyes closed. She pushes the door open as quietly as possible, fearing Blair might hear and wake.
As she makes her way across the room towards the bed she discards her bag, coat, shoes, dress. Pulling the duvet back just enough for her to slip in, she nestles in beside Blair, instinctively wrapping an arm around her waist. Blair stirs slightly, pressing back into her but not waking.
A long deep whiff of the lavender and peppermint scented shampoo Blair uses and Serena is closing her eyes, falling asleep, for the first time in two days.
***********
“Good morning sunshine. Or I guess I should say afternoon.”
“Mmmm... B? What time is it? Where-“
“Sorry I didn’t wake you before leaving. You looked so peaceful sleeping. Actually,” Serena hears soft laughter over the line, “I’m not sure I could’ve if I tried.”
“B, where are you?”
“With my dad. Remember, there’s a game at Yale and we’re-“
“I need to talk to you.”
“Um, S? You’re on a phone. And this thing we’re doing right now? It’s called talking.”
“No. Blair, I mean, I really need to talk to you. When will you be back?”
“Not until Sunday. We should be back in time for the reception but I think we’re going to miss the ceremony.”
“What? I can’t-“
“Do you mind going with Nate to the wedding? I told him I would, but obviously-“
“No. I mean, yes. B, can’t you come back sooner?”
“Serena, you know how much I’ve been looking forward to this. It’s just two days. We can talk when I get back, I promise.”
“Yeah, sure. I guess.”
“S, get Dorota to make you something to eat before you leave. I gotta go now.”
“Wait. B?”
“Yes?”
“I love you. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, S. I love you too.”
***********
Beautiful country-side scenery is whizzing by Serena’s window. Her head is leaning against the glass, the rim of her sunglasses occasionally vibrating whenever a bump or jerk of the train car causes them to touch the pane. But Serena isn’t taking in any of the sights; she is too busy watching her own from behind closed eyes.
She can see so many things: Nate’s sandy-blond hair as she runs her fingers through it, mussing it up; Georgie’s maniacal grin as she accepts yet another drink from a stranger; Blair’s brown eyes as they look right back into her own.
She wants to un-see so many things: the thin line of her mother’s tightly pursed lips; tears glistening on Eric’s cheeks; Blair’s brown eyes as they look right back into her own.
Serena opens her eyes and blinks against the bright sunlight. There are trees, a mixture of orange and brown and green, streaking by her window. She takes off her sunglasses, placing them on the empty seat next to her. She turns back to the window, and looks at the reflection, her reflection, staring back at her from the glass. She doesn’t close her eyes.
O, the blood and the treasure,
And then losing it all,
The time that we wasted,
And the place where we fall.
Will we wake in the morning
And know what it was all for?
Up in our bedroom after the war.
-The Beginning After the End, Stars