k scott
Here's something interesting. I was feeling crappy when I came home from Louis' tonight, so I decided to put myself in a more serene state of mind by getting introspective and writing 20 facts about myself. It started ok, but then I started doing my usual LJ thing where I get self-conscious about what I'm writing, and "do I want to present this side of myself to people," etc., and then I took a look at what I wrote:
1. (Please read above paragraph before this) My father is an alcoholic who has not been very drunk in roughly 13 years. He has amazing social skills and he's an engineer. My mother has six siblings and was raised catholic. She is no longer catholic, and she teaches preschool at CPS. My sister is a freshman at South this year. I love her, and she just got contacts, but one of them fit wrong and was annoying her, so she had to get new ones.
2. I'm left-handed, and I think for a while this made me pretty sure that I wasn't supposed to be into math or science at all. This was when I was little, and by the end of elementary school I was sure that I was born to be writer. I quickly became really self-conscious about writing, though, and finally, senior year, I've gotten to a point where I recognize that I still have this goofy dream of becoming a great novelist lodged somewhere in my system, but that I can live life anyway, and enjoy chem class because it's really interesting, even though it's not "creative".
3. My biggest struggle with myself has centered around my tendency to put other peoples' opinions, ideas, beliefs, etc., above my own. I'm afraid of arrogance and I find it easy to put my trust in others' ideas, so in the last few years I've done a lot of things, like buying a cd just because it got a good review on Pitchfork and Taylor liked it, that I've ended up regretting. A current manifestation of this problem for me is hanging out in big groups: I really don't like doing this at all, and I don't think I ever have fun when we do it, but I do it anyway.
Here's what's interesting:
Facts are facts. There are no "emo facts" or "non emo facts"; things are just true or untrue. However, the mood a person is in can really change how they write about themselves. Look at the words I use in #3:
struggle
afraid
regretting
problem
Here is a new and revised #3; same fact, different spin.
3. I like to try new things. I enjoy exposing myself to other peoples' opinions, ideas, beliefs, etc., because it makes life more interesting for me. What's cool about this is that in temporarily adopting, because that's basically what I'm doing, the thoughts of others, I'm learning, slowly but surely, what I really like and who I really am. At some point I'm probably going to need to stop doing this and settle my mind down a bit, but -- and there it is, a perfect example of me saying something I don't really believe just because it seems like a thing people have said before that might be true. Sweet.
But whatever. I'll keep going.
4. My mind is so fucking analytical it's nuts. My favorite target for analyzation is myself.
5. I believe that love and acceptance are the best two forces out there, and they form one general feeling for me that I try to tap into all the time. That's why I've started going to church again: there's so much love and acceptance there, and it feels so good. I want to learn to feel like that all the time.
6. I love improving myself. Sometimes it feels banal and terrible but sometimes it feel okay; I'm a perfectionist and my favorite target is myself. I am Sammy Clay.
7. I often don't take what I say or write seriously because it's so hard to actually express what I feel to other people. I really don't like sarcasm because it's an easy way out that I take all the time.
So far a lot of these facts are probably the type that people read and go, "no shit, everyone is like this Kyle, jesus christ." But whatever.
8. I have two cats, two dogs, and two acres of land.
9. I have a pond and a half-built treehouse on that land.
10. Modest Mouse sounds like such a bad idea right now.
11.
Kyle is really close to his friends who appreciate his awesome sense of humor
Kyle is a big-spending, profligate, impulsive manager of the oil business with a reputation
Kyle is already dining with other ladies in the restaurant
Kyle is resourceful with explosives and with war techniques
Kyle is a heart-throb with a heart
Kyle is 8 now and has grown into a warm and wonderful, sensitive boy
Kyle is forced to head up a punishment squad and confront the man he sees as a brother
Kyle is the star prospect on his inner city high school basketball team
Kyle is no longer a wingnut, he's a conservative Christian
Kyle is learning quickly and will certainly be a fine body piercer
Kyle is also the spy and squealer of the family
Kyle is trying to break into the database
Kyle is able to track objects well with is right eye
It's been established (several times over) that Kyle is hetero
Kyle is, of course, Jewish
Kyle is a warm and peaceful spot where travelers can rest in comfort
Kyle is having a major jones for some Capt. Crunch cereal
Kyle is woken up by a drunk pissing
12. It's been established (several times over) that Kyle is ----.
13. Even though Scott ruined the new hp for me I still loved reading it.
14. My favorite band in elementary school was, by so so so so so far, Hanson.
15. For awhile during high school I was feeling like becoming a sweet introverted genius, so I started to focus on the beauty of things and sensations, as opposed to the beauty of just talking to people and sharing experiences with them. I developed some really stupid stupid social and mental habits during that time that I'm still trying to shake off, because I make a terrible introvert and forcing myself to be like that makes me be weird.
16. Two things I've always wanted to do: set up a zip line from my roof down to the other side of my road, and hanglide at school whenever I want to. And I want to regularly.
17. I used to draw pictures of sports players when I was in elementary school. That was the only drawing that I would do, and I was pretty good at it, but then I stopped. A couple times I created players and made 8 1/2 by 11 inch baseball cards of them on notebook paper, complete with a picture on one side and stats on the other.
18. When I was in 5th grade I read seven books of the Wheel of Time Series by Robert Jordan, and for awhile I lived about half my life in that world. I'd think about them all the time, like when I should have been doing homework or when I was at friends' houses, and after a while it started to scare me just how intensely into those books I was. That was the first time I remember being a little scared and amazed by how easy it is for my imagination to take over, and ever since then I've been wary around art in general.
19. I neglected my fantasy baseball team this year.
20. When I was in seventh grade I thought my dad loved my sister more than me, and it freaked me out for a while.
21. I occassionally realize that I can do anything, and when I remember this I can do anything.
1. (Please read above paragraph before this) My father is an alcoholic who has not been very drunk in roughly 13 years. He has amazing social skills and he's an engineer. My mother has six siblings and was raised catholic. She is no longer catholic, and she teaches preschool at CPS. My sister is a freshman at South this year. I love her, and she just got contacts, but one of them fit wrong and was annoying her, so she had to get new ones.
2. I'm left-handed, and I think for a while this made me pretty sure that I wasn't supposed to be into math or science at all. This was when I was little, and by the end of elementary school I was sure that I was born to be writer. I quickly became really self-conscious about writing, though, and finally, senior year, I've gotten to a point where I recognize that I still have this goofy dream of becoming a great novelist lodged somewhere in my system, but that I can live life anyway, and enjoy chem class because it's really interesting, even though it's not "creative".
3. My biggest struggle with myself has centered around my tendency to put other peoples' opinions, ideas, beliefs, etc., above my own. I'm afraid of arrogance and I find it easy to put my trust in others' ideas, so in the last few years I've done a lot of things, like buying a cd just because it got a good review on Pitchfork and Taylor liked it, that I've ended up regretting. A current manifestation of this problem for me is hanging out in big groups: I really don't like doing this at all, and I don't think I ever have fun when we do it, but I do it anyway.
Here's what's interesting:
Facts are facts. There are no "emo facts" or "non emo facts"; things are just true or untrue. However, the mood a person is in can really change how they write about themselves. Look at the words I use in #3:
struggle
afraid
regretting
problem
Here is a new and revised #3; same fact, different spin.
3. I like to try new things. I enjoy exposing myself to other peoples' opinions, ideas, beliefs, etc., because it makes life more interesting for me. What's cool about this is that in temporarily adopting, because that's basically what I'm doing, the thoughts of others, I'm learning, slowly but surely, what I really like and who I really am. At some point I'm probably going to need to stop doing this and settle my mind down a bit, but -- and there it is, a perfect example of me saying something I don't really believe just because it seems like a thing people have said before that might be true. Sweet.
But whatever. I'll keep going.
4. My mind is so fucking analytical it's nuts. My favorite target for analyzation is myself.
5. I believe that love and acceptance are the best two forces out there, and they form one general feeling for me that I try to tap into all the time. That's why I've started going to church again: there's so much love and acceptance there, and it feels so good. I want to learn to feel like that all the time.
6. I love improving myself. Sometimes it feels banal and terrible but sometimes it feel okay; I'm a perfectionist and my favorite target is myself. I am Sammy Clay.
7. I often don't take what I say or write seriously because it's so hard to actually express what I feel to other people. I really don't like sarcasm because it's an easy way out that I take all the time.
So far a lot of these facts are probably the type that people read and go, "no shit, everyone is like this Kyle, jesus christ." But whatever.
8. I have two cats, two dogs, and two acres of land.
9. I have a pond and a half-built treehouse on that land.
10. Modest Mouse sounds like such a bad idea right now.
11.
Kyle is really close to his friends who appreciate his awesome sense of humor
Kyle is a big-spending, profligate, impulsive manager of the oil business with a reputation
Kyle is already dining with other ladies in the restaurant
Kyle is resourceful with explosives and with war techniques
Kyle is a heart-throb with a heart
Kyle is 8 now and has grown into a warm and wonderful, sensitive boy
Kyle is forced to head up a punishment squad and confront the man he sees as a brother
Kyle is the star prospect on his inner city high school basketball team
Kyle is no longer a wingnut, he's a conservative Christian
Kyle is learning quickly and will certainly be a fine body piercer
Kyle is also the spy and squealer of the family
Kyle is trying to break into the database
Kyle is able to track objects well with is right eye
It's been established (several times over) that Kyle is hetero
Kyle is, of course, Jewish
Kyle is a warm and peaceful spot where travelers can rest in comfort
Kyle is having a major jones for some Capt. Crunch cereal
Kyle is woken up by a drunk pissing
12. It's been established (several times over) that Kyle is ----.
13. Even though Scott ruined the new hp for me I still loved reading it.
14. My favorite band in elementary school was, by so so so so so far, Hanson.
15. For awhile during high school I was feeling like becoming a sweet introverted genius, so I started to focus on the beauty of things and sensations, as opposed to the beauty of just talking to people and sharing experiences with them. I developed some really stupid stupid social and mental habits during that time that I'm still trying to shake off, because I make a terrible introvert and forcing myself to be like that makes me be weird.
16. Two things I've always wanted to do: set up a zip line from my roof down to the other side of my road, and hanglide at school whenever I want to. And I want to regularly.
17. I used to draw pictures of sports players when I was in elementary school. That was the only drawing that I would do, and I was pretty good at it, but then I stopped. A couple times I created players and made 8 1/2 by 11 inch baseball cards of them on notebook paper, complete with a picture on one side and stats on the other.
18. When I was in 5th grade I read seven books of the Wheel of Time Series by Robert Jordan, and for awhile I lived about half my life in that world. I'd think about them all the time, like when I should have been doing homework or when I was at friends' houses, and after a while it started to scare me just how intensely into those books I was. That was the first time I remember being a little scared and amazed by how easy it is for my imagination to take over, and ever since then I've been wary around art in general.
19. I neglected my fantasy baseball team this year.
20. When I was in seventh grade I thought my dad loved my sister more than me, and it freaked me out for a while.
21. I occassionally realize that I can do anything, and when I remember this I can do anything.