(no subject)
Haven't heard anything about Britain yet. Yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about my decision to press charges against him. I felt anxious over it, as though I'd made some kind of mistake. Had I prematurely brought down a massive blow against his budding independence? Was it somehow a bad idea to take steps that might land him in jail so quickly after he was forced out of the house on his own? Was this going to retard any progress both he, and Mom, might have been making?
Well, last night I had a dream that he stole my stereo system out of spite. In the dream I then snapped and did what I've never done in real life; I started beating the crap out of him. I had to stop because I realized that, for the past several hits landed, I couldn't even tell if he was breathing or not. This kind of thing has been something I'd always feared might happen if I lost control over myself around him, but I'd never actually dreamed it before. Lane started fighting me next, for some unclear reason but maybe due to the fact that he had (in real life) been planning to kick Britain's ass for himself, and maybe because (also in real life) he was extremely pissed off at me for not letting him pirate music with Limewire and was looking for an excuse.
I took a few of things away from this dream.
One, I don't think Britain is really ready to start changing yet, and any signs he might have been showing of turning over a new leaf and appreciating life on his own would probably be temporary at best, and really just illusory. Personally I haven't even seen such signs in real life, but he did make at least the initial efforts to stay clean back when he'd gotten out of rehab. Several things have been bothering me about his behavior. He got kicked out of his closest friend's house because of what seems to be laziness, selfishness, a deep irresponsibility, and finally irrational anger. When that happened, the first place he turned to was the family from which he'd been stealing so much and that had repeatedly told him not to come back. Not the family of his girlfriend, who had never overtly shown him any signs of making him more unwelcome than he would be here and who he hadn't been victimizing. He chose an apartment where there were crack-heads and dealers just around the corner, claiming that low rent was the primary reason (it may have been, but I've suspected the availability of drugs was also an influence, conscious or otherwise). This week he finally fulfilled my most pessimistic predictions, that despite all signs of leaving us alone he would eventually break in and steal from us yet again.
While Mom and Lane had been largely ignoring this pattern and even dismissed my concerns outright at times, and while even -I- had started to feel that I was being unfairly set against him, it didn't take very long for me to become the household Cassandra. Again. I'm extremely disappointed that I can barely start to give him the benefit of the doubt before he goes and does something monumentally hurtful to himself and his family. The suspicions against him, which I was starting to think were simply me holding a grudge, were unfortunately confirmed as they had been time and time again. I really didn't want to be right about that. I wanted Mom and Lane to be right. I wanted Britain to really try. I wanted him to be a better person. Well, much like Brit is having to learn, I can't always get what I want just because I want it.
Two, Britain has been targeting Mom and myself for theft because we haven't put up any resistance. Mom has been his enabler from day one and to this day we still haven't put in the deadbolt on the back door (we've had it since his first burglary). She always complains about being too tired or busy, or just can't deal with it "right now." She's been cowed into impotence, unwilling to even bring legal action against him.
As for me? I haven't ever physically hurt him. He's always been able to bully me into either submission or inaction. He did such a good job of it when we were children that I haven't been able to get into a fist fight with ANYBODY, ever. I keep holding back, partly out of fear. As a result, he doesn't have any respect for me (neither, apparently, does my little brother, to whom physical aggression and capability are pretty important, even if it is all channeled into legitimate outlets like sports these days). Because of this, he's been stealing from me because he knows I'm an easy target and won't kick his scrawny ass nine ways from Sunday like my little brother or Shaun can. There is at least one good thing to come out of this, though. I always keep my head when confronted with threats of violence, even if I do shrink away in the moment. This is why I'm resorting to the only legal recourse I have, and in the end I think that's the best solution. This brings us too...
Three. While putting up a physical fight MIGHT finally win me some measure of his immediate respect (and make me feel a whole lot better), it won't stop him from violating our home. It won't fix his drug problem. It won't teach him anything about personal responsibility. The only consequences he'll think about are the immediate ones of getting beat up, which is a shallow deterrent that won't fundamentally allow him to change. If the case goes forward and he ends up in jail, or even just going to court, he will at the very least learn that this family is finally willing to bring the law into it, and that he'll have to tread more carefully here on in. If he does spent time behind bars, hopefully he'll not have access to drugs (county jail would pretty much guarantee this, state? not so much), time away from his situation on the streets, and time where he doesn't have any access to the piggy bank of my family's house. The consequence he's managed to avoid most of his life, the law, will have finally caught up to him and he won't be able to fool himself into thinking he can get away from it indefinitely. One day he might very well wake up and ask himself what he's doing in a dirty cell with no freedoms and think about the kind of life he's lead, the way he treats himself, and maybe (if I'm very very lucky) the way he treats other people. He might start looking for a way beside what he's done so far, the only way he's really known, the life of a thieving junkie. Maybe he can finally allow himself to look for something better. That would be the most I could hope for. I'd settle for simply having him out of our hair for a while, without the fear of him coming back to rob us at his leisure. To rob us, and start the cycle over. We all need a break from it more than anything else.
Well, last night I had a dream that he stole my stereo system out of spite. In the dream I then snapped and did what I've never done in real life; I started beating the crap out of him. I had to stop because I realized that, for the past several hits landed, I couldn't even tell if he was breathing or not. This kind of thing has been something I'd always feared might happen if I lost control over myself around him, but I'd never actually dreamed it before. Lane started fighting me next, for some unclear reason but maybe due to the fact that he had (in real life) been planning to kick Britain's ass for himself, and maybe because (also in real life) he was extremely pissed off at me for not letting him pirate music with Limewire and was looking for an excuse.
I took a few of things away from this dream.
One, I don't think Britain is really ready to start changing yet, and any signs he might have been showing of turning over a new leaf and appreciating life on his own would probably be temporary at best, and really just illusory. Personally I haven't even seen such signs in real life, but he did make at least the initial efforts to stay clean back when he'd gotten out of rehab. Several things have been bothering me about his behavior. He got kicked out of his closest friend's house because of what seems to be laziness, selfishness, a deep irresponsibility, and finally irrational anger. When that happened, the first place he turned to was the family from which he'd been stealing so much and that had repeatedly told him not to come back. Not the family of his girlfriend, who had never overtly shown him any signs of making him more unwelcome than he would be here and who he hadn't been victimizing. He chose an apartment where there were crack-heads and dealers just around the corner, claiming that low rent was the primary reason (it may have been, but I've suspected the availability of drugs was also an influence, conscious or otherwise). This week he finally fulfilled my most pessimistic predictions, that despite all signs of leaving us alone he would eventually break in and steal from us yet again.
While Mom and Lane had been largely ignoring this pattern and even dismissed my concerns outright at times, and while even -I- had started to feel that I was being unfairly set against him, it didn't take very long for me to become the household Cassandra. Again. I'm extremely disappointed that I can barely start to give him the benefit of the doubt before he goes and does something monumentally hurtful to himself and his family. The suspicions against him, which I was starting to think were simply me holding a grudge, were unfortunately confirmed as they had been time and time again. I really didn't want to be right about that. I wanted Mom and Lane to be right. I wanted Britain to really try. I wanted him to be a better person. Well, much like Brit is having to learn, I can't always get what I want just because I want it.
Two, Britain has been targeting Mom and myself for theft because we haven't put up any resistance. Mom has been his enabler from day one and to this day we still haven't put in the deadbolt on the back door (we've had it since his first burglary). She always complains about being too tired or busy, or just can't deal with it "right now." She's been cowed into impotence, unwilling to even bring legal action against him.
As for me? I haven't ever physically hurt him. He's always been able to bully me into either submission or inaction. He did such a good job of it when we were children that I haven't been able to get into a fist fight with ANYBODY, ever. I keep holding back, partly out of fear. As a result, he doesn't have any respect for me (neither, apparently, does my little brother, to whom physical aggression and capability are pretty important, even if it is all channeled into legitimate outlets like sports these days). Because of this, he's been stealing from me because he knows I'm an easy target and won't kick his scrawny ass nine ways from Sunday like my little brother or Shaun can. There is at least one good thing to come out of this, though. I always keep my head when confronted with threats of violence, even if I do shrink away in the moment. This is why I'm resorting to the only legal recourse I have, and in the end I think that's the best solution. This brings us too...
Three. While putting up a physical fight MIGHT finally win me some measure of his immediate respect (and make me feel a whole lot better), it won't stop him from violating our home. It won't fix his drug problem. It won't teach him anything about personal responsibility. The only consequences he'll think about are the immediate ones of getting beat up, which is a shallow deterrent that won't fundamentally allow him to change. If the case goes forward and he ends up in jail, or even just going to court, he will at the very least learn that this family is finally willing to bring the law into it, and that he'll have to tread more carefully here on in. If he does spent time behind bars, hopefully he'll not have access to drugs (county jail would pretty much guarantee this, state? not so much), time away from his situation on the streets, and time where he doesn't have any access to the piggy bank of my family's house. The consequence he's managed to avoid most of his life, the law, will have finally caught up to him and he won't be able to fool himself into thinking he can get away from it indefinitely. One day he might very well wake up and ask himself what he's doing in a dirty cell with no freedoms and think about the kind of life he's lead, the way he treats himself, and maybe (if I'm very very lucky) the way he treats other people. He might start looking for a way beside what he's done so far, the only way he's really known, the life of a thieving junkie. Maybe he can finally allow himself to look for something better. That would be the most I could hope for. I'd settle for simply having him out of our hair for a while, without the fear of him coming back to rob us at his leisure. To rob us, and start the cycle over. We all need a break from it more than anything else.