Busject.
I just wanted you all to know about my public and private service announcement. Batman is running on irregular levels of absolute, unadulterated awesome sauce and I am worried that he might explode into spectacular colors. This explosion will destroy every criminals will to live because the sheer force of the blast will send flying into brick walls all who dare oppose his will. I was just talking to Bruce (or 'The Wayne' as he likes to be called) and he was telling me about all the skulls he had cracked in the past forty-eight hours. I mean sure, most of them were just guns for hire and lacked any real combat skills other than point and trigger but I'll be damned if he didn't list off over three dozen people. He whimsically tossed them from scaffolding, kicked them in their face parts, and head butted them in his horned mask of vigilante justice. He is a batman among men and probably the battiest man among batmen.
We took a stroll through the Wayne manor after our weekly game of *Shotzee and we looked at all his memorabilia. Everything he owned went full circle to his bat gimmick. While I'll admit the first few things he showed me were ultimately cool. Like The Bat Chair which is a huge leather seat that massages while giving superior lumbar support. However, it started to get a bit ridiculous when he busted out the batcoaster, which is just a regular drink coaster shaped like a bat (which might I add is not the ideal shape for cups.) The batpotholder, which is just a damnable pot holder with a cartoon bat on it that he got at the dollar store (it still had the bright yellow price tag on it.) Batknife which is a regular steak knife that he grinded down to be shaped like, you guessed it, a bat. He successfully rendered the knife useless fore once he tried to demonstrate its miraculous cutting power on a thick chop of meat it broke. Batdog and Batcat are his pets and they are just a golden Labrador and a tabby cat with the bat symbol shaved into the sides of their bodies. I could go on and on. The man has been merchandising to himself for years and I get kind of worried for him sometimes, but then I remember that he can shoot up into the air with a grappling hook and seemingly latch onto the heavens themselves to pull him from danger. A mere flying mammal obsession should be a brisk walk in the park.
I am going to Ocean City in Mary's Land on Sunday morning. It is going to be a vacation from vacation. I am hoping that the name of this town isn't deceiving and it is actually under the sea. That way I can sing a song while accompanied by a wise ass crab when checking into my hotel. The hotel won't be the only thing I am checking. I will also be checking out some hot mermaids covered in clam shells. Hopefully I can use my powerful sea squid powers and steal their voices too. I'd make them do "favors" for me to get them back. You know what I mean right? Take out the trash and wash my clothes. See also: sexual intercourse. I'll be back around the twenty-fifth so don't have any fun without me.
How are you crazy summer kids? Eating hot dogs while participating in sprinkler related outdoor activities? Glad like wrap to hear it fellas and ettes. I am going to sign off this intertron for more stimulating ventures, like sleeping in my futon. Futon sounds remarkably like crouton; however I am led to believe that their taste and consistency are considerably different.
*Note: Shotzee is a game involving alcohol where one rolls five dice like its namesake counterpart. A shot is consumed if a large straight or full house is rolled. Two shots are consumed if a Yahtzee is rolled. Also, Batman is stupendous at drinking and metabolizes liquor like soda pop.
Kyle Lee Hufnagel
"A skank is a dance for all to enjoy much like a skank is a woman for all to enjoy."