home sick
my mom did the best job at setting up a home.
my first experience with home sickness was when i was around 10 or something, i went to a christian bible camp for a week by myself and didnt know anyone... the camp was beautiful, more than anything i could imagine, but it was just a site that was rented to whoever wanted to run the camp... i remembered it being so nice out, and there was hockey sticks, and basketballs and gyms, and pools, and creeks, all for me to use however i wanted pretty much everyday, and for some reason, i was sad, i didnt miss my mom really, everything supplied was awesome, it was a retreat for kids basically... i knew she was close by, it took an hour to get there, but for some reason, i had this anxiety of wanting something else than what i had... the weather was something i remember every summer.. something only the mountains of chilliwackish erea could hold with the greenn, and the flowers, creeks, mountains, beautiful.... i still to this day dont really truely understand why i was so bummed and wanted to "go home"...
when i was five i was sick and in the hospital, i dont really remember a whole lot from that erea... certain moments stand out, and im constantly reminded of other memories when family remind me about it... i spent time sick at home... but not home sick...
ive discovered that it is hard for me to determine what i can consider a home... a home is sort of nearly built up from the parents, or the certain person who lives there to start with, but can your belongings just occupy space, even if its a really nice space, comfortable in every aspect... can if feel like home... can you push yourself to make home where you love to be? i have loved being in certain ereas and wished never to move, and knowing i was renting it, or living with people who couldnt be relied on as reliable life long living partners.. can you settle and make home a temporary thing? i sometimes feel like im achored in langley, because ive lived the longest there, but there are many things about the erea i do not like at all... things that started getting worse through the time ive lived there... are these the things that make me feel like its home? i can say that i feel that same sort of vibe i felt when i was a kid at camp, a majority of the time in every place ive lived in...
i feel like my concept of home is unrealistic, somehow i can never reach what home feels like, i can never feel the releif of anxiety that i have... about being at home for a day... or home at all.. wierd huh...
i think everyone sort of has their own concept and reality of what home is, and i wonder every day if anyone else feels the same, my dreams of what i could make a home, are still only temporary, even if i live there till i die, its only till then that its a home, but is this just something that i will have to live with? that my home, can never really be a comfty home? my ideas are simple, and require minimal money, but somehow i need to still rent/buy/own/debt/debt/debt.... what is a more comfty thing to live with, knowing you might never feel at home, or never feeling at home because youre always paying for it all? all this home talk... just something to think about really...
i love thinking about home though.
my first experience with home sickness was when i was around 10 or something, i went to a christian bible camp for a week by myself and didnt know anyone... the camp was beautiful, more than anything i could imagine, but it was just a site that was rented to whoever wanted to run the camp... i remembered it being so nice out, and there was hockey sticks, and basketballs and gyms, and pools, and creeks, all for me to use however i wanted pretty much everyday, and for some reason, i was sad, i didnt miss my mom really, everything supplied was awesome, it was a retreat for kids basically... i knew she was close by, it took an hour to get there, but for some reason, i had this anxiety of wanting something else than what i had... the weather was something i remember every summer.. something only the mountains of chilliwackish erea could hold with the greenn, and the flowers, creeks, mountains, beautiful.... i still to this day dont really truely understand why i was so bummed and wanted to "go home"...
when i was five i was sick and in the hospital, i dont really remember a whole lot from that erea... certain moments stand out, and im constantly reminded of other memories when family remind me about it... i spent time sick at home... but not home sick...
ive discovered that it is hard for me to determine what i can consider a home... a home is sort of nearly built up from the parents, or the certain person who lives there to start with, but can your belongings just occupy space, even if its a really nice space, comfortable in every aspect... can if feel like home... can you push yourself to make home where you love to be? i have loved being in certain ereas and wished never to move, and knowing i was renting it, or living with people who couldnt be relied on as reliable life long living partners.. can you settle and make home a temporary thing? i sometimes feel like im achored in langley, because ive lived the longest there, but there are many things about the erea i do not like at all... things that started getting worse through the time ive lived there... are these the things that make me feel like its home? i can say that i feel that same sort of vibe i felt when i was a kid at camp, a majority of the time in every place ive lived in...
i feel like my concept of home is unrealistic, somehow i can never reach what home feels like, i can never feel the releif of anxiety that i have... about being at home for a day... or home at all.. wierd huh...
i think everyone sort of has their own concept and reality of what home is, and i wonder every day if anyone else feels the same, my dreams of what i could make a home, are still only temporary, even if i live there till i die, its only till then that its a home, but is this just something that i will have to live with? that my home, can never really be a comfty home? my ideas are simple, and require minimal money, but somehow i need to still rent/buy/own/debt/debt/debt.... what is a more comfty thing to live with, knowing you might never feel at home, or never feeling at home because youre always paying for it all? all this home talk... just something to think about really...
i love thinking about home though.