random crap
hey guys.
i know i completely suck at being an lj friend and i'm really sorry. i just don't check my friends page.
this is a very whiny post, and i apologise for it.
for the past week and a half i've been sick every day. i am this close to breaking down and crying because i am so frustrated with it. it's mostly the headaches that're pissing me off though. i can't do anything. i just have to sit here and try not to whine too much because everyone gets annoyed with me after a while. i remember in school all my friends would just roll their eyes after a time, not giving a shit anymore because they were over it. all my life i've gotten really bad migraines, and no-one knows why. i've gone to countless doctors and specialists and massage therapists and all that crap; i've gone on only-rice diets, had special-made pillows, and taken so many pills i fear i may rattle. those preventative pills don't work - mainly because i can't tell when the headache is coming on, and never managed to catch it in time. but my headaches have been really bad lately - like i said, i've had one pretty much every day for the past week and a half. everyone keeps telling me to see a doctor but i've done that so many times, and they haven't found anything... so to be completely honest, i don't see the point anymore. but that wasn't the point of my whining. the point is that i'm tired of hurting all the time. i'm tired of aching. i'm tired of being able to do nothing. sometimes i can bear it and watch a movie or try to distract myself by being on the internet or something. i can't take my pills because they make me drowsy, and i'd rather be hurting all day than be asleep the whole time. at least i don't have uni at the moment, so i'm not missing out on that. but i've had to decline a few invitations by friends to meet up cause i've been feeling like shit.
oh yeah i have friends now.
that aside, both times i really wanted to go but couldn't because i knew that my headaches would get worse. going to the city makes it really bad. sitting on this couch we have at home makes it bad. wearing a headband does too. and even when the wind changes suddenly my headaches start hurting again.
sorry, i just-- i've had enough. i want to whine, i want to throw my hands up and scream. i know that sounds incredibly childish but i don't care.
lately i've been getting frustrated at everything, which lead to freak-outs (i've stopped calling them breakdowns cause that word doesn't fit) and that's generally followed by me bashing something - normally my computer or my own head/hands. i've recently found though that playing mahjong helps me calm down a lot, so that's been useful. not so useful when i can't get to it though xD;;
i also have this feeling like people expect me to be something greater than i am. that they expect me to be this person who doesn't make mistakes and who knows exactly how to handle herself in situations and who can adapt to all sorts of things. newsflash: i'm not. i make a shit ton of mistakes just like any other person and to tell the truth i kinda suck; i don't know when to say 'hello' and i don't know what's considered normal conversation and i don't know when to start talking and when to stop and i don't realise that most people don't enjoy it if you bring a bird to the table (i do now, after quite a few trial-and-errors - they also don't like it when other birds fly over the table, apparently). i also can't read maps. but that's a different story. i can't keep friendships. dad, k and i all have the same trouble, and not one of us have a long-lasting friend. well no, i have one, but that's kind of because she refuses to let go, which i'm grateful for. i don't call, i don't invite people out. i don't make any attempts to connect with people and that's my biggest regret, i guess, but no matter how hard i try i can't change that. i'm seriously trying though. so just bear with me okay? i take a while and sometimes i don't realise i'm not doing something i should be. (this is all because of the ~a~ problem which is obviously loads of fun) this is directed at both online friends and people offline. it's not an excuse as to how i behave. it's more to show you why i act the way i do sometimes. so if i'm acting distant or something, it's normally because of this. just give me a poke here and there and i'll respond, i promise.
i need to make a sales post. someone remind me.
also, my dad's boss is a bastard. dad's sort of a construction worker/demolisher type person (he's never quite clear on it and it seems like they change jobs a lot). apparently he's been telling the other workers to make sure dad doesn't 'slack off' or have a break - which now explains the hurried calls when mum rings during work - and we learned the other day that he doesn't even say hello or goodbye to him. this'd all be sort of excusable or a little more tolerable if it weren't for the fact that my dad's boss is his nephew. i remember last year at christmas, dad was looking forward to their christmas party but the boss told the other guys that dad couldn't be bothered with it and so called it off - but no-one told my dad that. he'd been looking forward to something that wasn't going to happen, and it wasn't until he asked the other workers about it that he was told at all. just cause his boss couldn't be arsed giving his workers some kind of fun. and dad gets blamed for it. let's see if they get a party this year.
some people on tumblr are really pissing me off >_>
okay that's the end of my whining, i think.
so i get to see frozen on sunday, which i am terribly excited about. frozen doesn't come out here until the 26th, and i managed to get advanced tickets (i feel quite special, but it's not that big a deal), so i get to see it earlier /dances about/. SO EXCITE.
my kusabi albums arrived finally, so i watched/listened to those. yep. still love my boys <3 (also ugh ueda can you get any more amazing like seriously ugh <33333333) shige is still being a bastard with his face. ryo--- /ryo/ <3 yorozu dksjgnflsdfkhb is going awesome, i love it to itty bitty chinen-sized pieces, and i really love tokyo bandwagon too. i like the cats and maddock-san. i also love how ueda found his v6 senpai so kame decided to go grab one too. ueda had his first, kame. down, boy. and ugh can i ship ueda x okada more??? yes you're getting fic of this shut up i have till the end of february and i've got a shit load of fic to write 8D be prepared. at some point i need to write the last few chapters of tell me why because it's almost done and i was so bad at updating that fic the whole time; it's been like three years or something ridiculous. i feel so bad about it D:
i'm also rewatching hanawake no yon shimai and it's horrible. every time shigeaki's face is on-screen it's horrible i hate it oh god why do i do this to myself i love him really
oh oh OH i went to the japanese film festival in sydney and saw ore ore and-- ....shit. what was the other one... OH RYO'S ONE. hospitality department. i can't remember the japanese title. had an 'o' in it. and 'sha'. he was adorable and his hair was flat and i noticed that he has a scar on his right elbow. at one point he had water thrown on him and we had wet ryo in a suit. there was bike riding and a hug. not at the same time. it was a really boring movie that was really just an advertisement for kochi prefecture. but yay ryoface being an idiot <3 i was meant to see platina data but... well, i had a headache xD; so i didn't end up going (last time i went to see ooku with a headache and almost had to leave halfway to be-- ......................maybe it's nino's fault. GODDAMN IT. obviously i can't handle the ninomiya.)
right so i'm gonna go back to making this little dragon for my friend cause i has no moneys to actually buy her a present (might pick something cheap up when i venture into the city next week - apparently there's a daiso in the city. who knew? wait-- don't answer that. it might be like the time i was all "DUDE SINCE WHEN DID WE HAVE FISH" and it turned out we'd had them for like six months.)
...yes. right. back to mr. dragon. (also yay hols start posting tomorrow nrgljnlhfdaejgk eeeeeeeee)
i know i completely suck at being an lj friend and i'm really sorry. i just don't check my friends page.
this is a very whiny post, and i apologise for it.
for the past week and a half i've been sick every day. i am this close to breaking down and crying because i am so frustrated with it. it's mostly the headaches that're pissing me off though. i can't do anything. i just have to sit here and try not to whine too much because everyone gets annoyed with me after a while. i remember in school all my friends would just roll their eyes after a time, not giving a shit anymore because they were over it. all my life i've gotten really bad migraines, and no-one knows why. i've gone to countless doctors and specialists and massage therapists and all that crap; i've gone on only-rice diets, had special-made pillows, and taken so many pills i fear i may rattle. those preventative pills don't work - mainly because i can't tell when the headache is coming on, and never managed to catch it in time. but my headaches have been really bad lately - like i said, i've had one pretty much every day for the past week and a half. everyone keeps telling me to see a doctor but i've done that so many times, and they haven't found anything... so to be completely honest, i don't see the point anymore. but that wasn't the point of my whining. the point is that i'm tired of hurting all the time. i'm tired of aching. i'm tired of being able to do nothing. sometimes i can bear it and watch a movie or try to distract myself by being on the internet or something. i can't take my pills because they make me drowsy, and i'd rather be hurting all day than be asleep the whole time. at least i don't have uni at the moment, so i'm not missing out on that. but i've had to decline a few invitations by friends to meet up cause i've been feeling like shit.
oh yeah i have friends now.
that aside, both times i really wanted to go but couldn't because i knew that my headaches would get worse. going to the city makes it really bad. sitting on this couch we have at home makes it bad. wearing a headband does too. and even when the wind changes suddenly my headaches start hurting again.
sorry, i just-- i've had enough. i want to whine, i want to throw my hands up and scream. i know that sounds incredibly childish but i don't care.
lately i've been getting frustrated at everything, which lead to freak-outs (i've stopped calling them breakdowns cause that word doesn't fit) and that's generally followed by me bashing something - normally my computer or my own head/hands. i've recently found though that playing mahjong helps me calm down a lot, so that's been useful. not so useful when i can't get to it though xD;;
i also have this feeling like people expect me to be something greater than i am. that they expect me to be this person who doesn't make mistakes and who knows exactly how to handle herself in situations and who can adapt to all sorts of things. newsflash: i'm not. i make a shit ton of mistakes just like any other person and to tell the truth i kinda suck; i don't know when to say 'hello' and i don't know what's considered normal conversation and i don't know when to start talking and when to stop and i don't realise that most people don't enjoy it if you bring a bird to the table (i do now, after quite a few trial-and-errors - they also don't like it when other birds fly over the table, apparently). i also can't read maps. but that's a different story. i can't keep friendships. dad, k and i all have the same trouble, and not one of us have a long-lasting friend. well no, i have one, but that's kind of because she refuses to let go, which i'm grateful for. i don't call, i don't invite people out. i don't make any attempts to connect with people and that's my biggest regret, i guess, but no matter how hard i try i can't change that. i'm seriously trying though. so just bear with me okay? i take a while and sometimes i don't realise i'm not doing something i should be. (this is all because of the ~a~ problem which is obviously loads of fun) this is directed at both online friends and people offline. it's not an excuse as to how i behave. it's more to show you why i act the way i do sometimes. so if i'm acting distant or something, it's normally because of this. just give me a poke here and there and i'll respond, i promise.
i need to make a sales post. someone remind me.
also, my dad's boss is a bastard. dad's sort of a construction worker/demolisher type person (he's never quite clear on it and it seems like they change jobs a lot). apparently he's been telling the other workers to make sure dad doesn't 'slack off' or have a break - which now explains the hurried calls when mum rings during work - and we learned the other day that he doesn't even say hello or goodbye to him. this'd all be sort of excusable or a little more tolerable if it weren't for the fact that my dad's boss is his nephew. i remember last year at christmas, dad was looking forward to their christmas party but the boss told the other guys that dad couldn't be bothered with it and so called it off - but no-one told my dad that. he'd been looking forward to something that wasn't going to happen, and it wasn't until he asked the other workers about it that he was told at all. just cause his boss couldn't be arsed giving his workers some kind of fun. and dad gets blamed for it. let's see if they get a party this year.
some people on tumblr are really pissing me off >_>
okay that's the end of my whining, i think.
so i get to see frozen on sunday, which i am terribly excited about. frozen doesn't come out here until the 26th, and i managed to get advanced tickets (i feel quite special, but it's not that big a deal), so i get to see it earlier /dances about/. SO EXCITE.
my kusabi albums arrived finally, so i watched/listened to those. yep. still love my boys <3 (also ugh ueda can you get any more amazing like seriously ugh <33333333) shige is still being a bastard with his face. ryo--- /ryo/ <3 yorozu dksjgnflsdfkhb is going awesome, i love it to itty bitty chinen-sized pieces, and i really love tokyo bandwagon too. i like the cats and maddock-san. i also love how ueda found his v6 senpai so kame decided to go grab one too. ueda had his first, kame. down, boy. and ugh can i ship ueda x okada more??? yes you're getting fic of this shut up i have till the end of february and i've got a shit load of fic to write 8D be prepared. at some point i need to write the last few chapters of tell me why because it's almost done and i was so bad at updating that fic the whole time; it's been like three years or something ridiculous. i feel so bad about it D:
i'm also rewatching hanawake no yon shimai and it's horrible. every time shigeaki's face is on-screen it's horrible i hate it oh god why do i do this to myself i love him really
oh oh OH i went to the japanese film festival in sydney and saw ore ore and-- ....shit. what was the other one... OH RYO'S ONE. hospitality department. i can't remember the japanese title. had an 'o' in it. and 'sha'. he was adorable and his hair was flat and i noticed that he has a scar on his right elbow. at one point he had water thrown on him and we had wet ryo in a suit. there was bike riding and a hug. not at the same time. it was a really boring movie that was really just an advertisement for kochi prefecture. but yay ryoface being an idiot <3 i was meant to see platina data but... well, i had a headache xD; so i didn't end up going (last time i went to see ooku with a headache and almost had to leave halfway to be-- ......................maybe it's nino's fault. GODDAMN IT. obviously i can't handle the ninomiya.)
right so i'm gonna go back to making this little dragon for my friend cause i has no moneys to actually buy her a present (might pick something cheap up when i venture into the city next week - apparently there's a daiso in the city. who knew? wait-- don't answer that. it might be like the time i was all "DUDE SINCE WHEN DID WE HAVE FISH" and it turned out we'd had them for like six months.)
...yes. right. back to mr. dragon. (also yay hols start posting tomorrow nrgljnlhfdaejgk eeeeeeeee)