Playing catch up
So Lina wants to know what I've been up to for the last couple of weeks. I know this, because Livejournal told me so.
I suspect others do as well, and frankly, I've been desperately short of reflection time these last few weeks in general. So I'm breaking the rules a bit, sitting here with my cigarettes and a glass of wine, and trying to piece together where I've been and where I'm going.
Which means this entry is like to be terribly rambling, long, and best read with a grain of salt.
Updates in no particular order:
Academia
Finals are over. Due to some administrative difficulties, I will need to re-take juvenile justice. I did, however, get the highest grade my constitutional law prof has ever handed out. Proud of that.
This summer I'm not taking classes, but shoring up miscellaneous certifications instead. Things like my CPR/AED, first aid, conceal and carry, etc. Basically, I'd like to end up with my ass well covered under the Good Samaritan Laws should something happen at work or game. It will also put me in a good position to get my First Responders license in the coming semester or two (it's an elective for my degree), and I have slowly dealt with the fact that I will be comfortable with handguns for my career.
Employment
I'm pretty well settled into my job with the county government. I do weapons screening there, and wear a fancy badge and everything. Really, I'm just there for show, since the Sheriff's Deputy is supposed to handle any sort of issues that may arise. That said, it pays well, and I'm getting used to getting up at 0530 two days a week to read the paper and give directions.
The nightclub, however, is another matter. After two very poorly handled conversations with management, I'll be leaving as of early this week. This job has been an issue since before I was hired, and with the one competent manager now living in Texas with his brother, it's just not worth the hassle. Hell, I'm not even in the system anymore ~ and I didn't find that out until after I'd been there for 20 minutes. They offered to let me work last night without getting paid, but I figured I'd just go. *sighs*
The business is doing well, considering what I've put into it. Five official sales, lots of compliments, and two features in less than six months with almost no effort. It's nothing I want to do on a full-time scale, but it does wonders to defray the cost of the hobby that keeps me sane-ish. Which is good. I'm looking at branching into offering more jewelry, and using some of the extra time this summer to push promotion. I likely won't do craft fairs this season, but keep things in mind for the next one.
Game
In theory, I'm involved in four right now ~ two tabletops that meet sporadically, and two regular live action games. The Sabbat game has me somewhat concerned; I didn't intend to be important, and suddenly she is pretty seriously involved. I don't have a good handle on her yet, and it bothers me. I originally designed the character to get into the right headspace for a future game (Night One), but it's taking on a life of its own that I'm not sure I'm happy with. She's an interesting character, but I'm just not sure I'm that interested in her.
Garou, on the other hand, has taken a lot of my attention lately. Robert's Blood has become known to the Nation now, and with some very intense roleplaying over event game last weekend, has a lot on her plate. Between being a pack alpha, a tribe alpha, and alpha den parent... she's busy. Hell - just the eleven cubs are enough to keep her attention half the time. In the near future, I'm going to start going back and scripting rough journal entries for her. I have to be careful to keep my in- and out-of-character impressions separate. The character is Irish and a former Fianna, but also an ahroun. It's a blend of how the stories get told so that they aren't the player telling them, but the character.
That said, a lot of people like what I did for event game - the funeral for her former self and the child, the opportunity for other characters to clear their old grief, the hours spent gallivanting with Fells the Angels, drunk and horsing around like the old packmates they used to be, the induction of Stone into her pack and the handling of a couple of migraine-inducing cubs. Then the strictly out of character workup of the Book of Prophecies, including this image:
(For the record, that's a rip-off of an episode of Ill Will Press's Neurotically Yours. And yes, at the discretion of the EXO of the organization, I spent a full month writing total babble over a KJV Bible he bought at a thrift shop. I'm damn proud of it as a prop, although I'm sure I'm going to hell even after having de-sanctified the book personally.)
I'm told there are a few great pictures of Robert's Blood from the event, and I look forward to seeing them. The one I've already seen isn't terribly flattering. I'm told there's one of her and Fells, standing next to each other "the next morning," angry and deciding what to do with each other. And as a total aside, event game marks the second time I've gotten drunk on non-alcoholic beverages for the sake of the character... and I'm just method enough for it to be an interesting experience.
The Serenity game is on a temporary hiatus as the player of our mechanic is interning this summer. Besides, Captain Harris is pretty easy to write out of any given session for the next year. It's a damn interesting character, though, and after having played her for the better part of a few years now, she slides on like an old comfortable leather jacket. The Scion game hasn't started yet, but looks interesting.
Family
My sisters and I have been working at spending more time together. Now that we're all well-settled adults, we have a new appreciation of each other. I still have issues with their drug use, but we all have our problems. It's been good to spend more time with them and get to know them again as people. I'll also be very curious to see how their new house works out for them - it's a gorgeous place, but I couldn't live with either one of them. Here's hoping they do well together.
My father's birthday celebration on Friday was a disaster. I kind of saw it coming, but I was hopeful against it. I actually walked out, after firmly deciding that I wasn't going to get stuck in the drama once again. Sadly, the drama in question is between the elder generation - and is pretty typical when they're drinking. On one hand, I feel bad for making most of it likely worse, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna get stuck in the middle of it just like I used to as a kid. Fuck that noise.
The foul weather that tore through the north side of the metro seems to have spared my folks' place and my grandmothers', but not my cousins'. They've suffered some pretty serious structural damage, I'm told. Here's hoping that all of that gets better and quickly. I don't get out to St. Michael nearly enough, and that saddens me... but I really can't afford the drive, and our schedules very rarely match up for me to catch a ride out there when they're leaving the Cities from their work weeks.
Friends and Relationships
I've been really stressed out lately, and not the greatest of companionship for anybody, really. My relationship with Manda has been essentially on hiatus, and I need to figure out what to do about it before I do much to change that. Having a stable income and more time will help, but I'm having other issues that I need to deal with before I make any real decisions. Some of this is me calling my sexuality back into question, and that's a pretty heady topic I'm not willing to discuss at this point.
There's at least two conversations that I need to have, at the insistence of my therapist, on the nature of relationships in general. I tried to have one of them today, but totally chickened out when given a chance to do so. I'm fucking scared of both of them, and the therapist kind of warned me about that. Some of it comes out of this idea that if I get that vulnerable and that honest, things will change. I'm generally of the (wrong) opinion that it's better for me to suffer in silence and take what I can get than open my mouth and (a) lose what little I'm getting, (b) hurt people unnecessarily, or both.
Sadly, some of that bit is me calling other things back into question, including my willingness to keep my mouth shut. And my willingness to be involved in polyamory for at least a while. Frankly, the sport sex poly relationships afford me isn't worth the intimacy of relationship sex. Since it's intimacy I'm after these days... well... it gets complicated. Those conversations are meant to get the cards on the table, so that if things can't be less complicated, they can at least put the ball in someone else's court.
I have some pretty awesome friends, I must say. They've all been pretty good about letting me have my space when I've needed it. I, in exchange, am getting pretty good at accepting hugs and touch from folk in general. I'm a part of a group that thrives a lot on contact, and I'm working at becoming more comfortable with the closeness of more than two people at a time. Hell, someone hugged me after event game when I least expected it, and I only asked him to move his arm from my throat. So go me on that, and go them for continuing to be accepting of who I am and what my limitations are.
Health Issues
The other big goal for the summer is to get the physical side of the health under control. Years ago, I cut myself a deal that when I got the mental health well under control, the physical side would follow it. I'm several years out of the hospital now, and with a solid vote of confidence from my therapist, it's time to sit down with the doctors and decide exactly what that "physical side" means.
Based on previous conversations with them, it's going to mean a few very obvious things: diet, exercise, and blood sugar regulation. The Good Mood Diet was the launching point, and it does wonders. However, I do know that my GP wants me to look at a full anti-intolerance/allergy diet for at least a month... and that is not something I'm looking forward to. In order to pull that off, I'd have to eliminate most of the comfort food altogether - which is actually the point. Skipping salad is easy, but cutting nightshade and going gluten- and casein-free is going to take some work on my part. The sugar regulation means eating about six times a day, and will make social situations ridiculous for a while.
That said, when the doc made me misty-eyed by telling me that it was within my reach to go jogging again by the end of the summer... yeah. I miss running. I miss being in a semi-painless state. I'll never be "healthy," but I could go running again. I could dodge the age-on-onset for diabetes in my family. Hell, he honestly thinks it's not unreasonable for me to be a 10/12 before fall semester, if I get serious about it. I haven't been a 10/12 since early in high school.
My teeth are also on the agenda. It'll take at least one significant surgery, but I'm hoping that I've convinced a dentist to just end the worst of my dental problems. Yes, I'll have dentures by 27, but "you'd look really good with nice teeth" isn't just a foreshadowed compliment. (MR) It would also solve a lot of my jaw pain, embarrassment, frustration, and at least give me a semblance of a smile back. I'm okay with getting them relined every couple of years, and frankly - the main problem I'm running into is what I can and can't afford. Scary, but true.
The worst problem with all of this? Me. I know it's me... and it usually is. It's a self-commitment, and those are the ones I'm the worst at. But I know, even if I don't believe yet, that the diet/exercise/sugar combo has the ability to put me in a healthier state than I've ever been - and a happier one. I'm no fool; I know that how I eat and how I move influence how my brain works. That makes it worth it. It's gonna be a lot of me re-arranging my thought processes for a while, but if when I get rolling on it, I'm gonna be that much better off. Who knows, I might even be pretty... (A prime example of the thoughts that keep me fat and unhappy and in pain)
Miscellany
* The house needs to be cleaned again. It suffered under the stress, and that's a cycle that just keeps spinning. A clean house is a saner Sam, and it's too easy to let it slip. It's amazing how something as simple as a made bed can influence my self-conversation for the day. Little steps, minor victories.
* I'll be taking some desperately needed time to myself here in the coming week. Having tomorrow off does wonders for using this week as a re-set between spring semester chaos and summer structure. When I come back from it, I'll be better company for most folks. I need some recharge time, and damn it, I'm taking it. Some of this recharge time will involve ambling about the city, preferably with a select friend or two and babbling until I can get my brain straight again. I'm one of those folk who needs to talk her way through things sometimes, and rather a kinetic thinker in general.
* I'm looking at a new creative venture, and if it works, I'll be bitching about polymer clay under my nails for a while, and how much fun it is to work with tiny things again. Happiness is.
* Power. Game. Life. Right now, that's about making things simpler. Any time I can make things less complicated, that's like to be the right choice... even if it isn't the easier one.
* Is there anything that listening to the Buffy musical episode can't help? Seriously. *soft smile*
And that's life of the last few weeks condensed.
~Samantha
I suspect others do as well, and frankly, I've been desperately short of reflection time these last few weeks in general. So I'm breaking the rules a bit, sitting here with my cigarettes and a glass of wine, and trying to piece together where I've been and where I'm going.
Which means this entry is like to be terribly rambling, long, and best read with a grain of salt.
Updates in no particular order:
Academia
Finals are over. Due to some administrative difficulties, I will need to re-take juvenile justice. I did, however, get the highest grade my constitutional law prof has ever handed out. Proud of that.
This summer I'm not taking classes, but shoring up miscellaneous certifications instead. Things like my CPR/AED, first aid, conceal and carry, etc. Basically, I'd like to end up with my ass well covered under the Good Samaritan Laws should something happen at work or game. It will also put me in a good position to get my First Responders license in the coming semester or two (it's an elective for my degree), and I have slowly dealt with the fact that I will be comfortable with handguns for my career.
Employment
I'm pretty well settled into my job with the county government. I do weapons screening there, and wear a fancy badge and everything. Really, I'm just there for show, since the Sheriff's Deputy is supposed to handle any sort of issues that may arise. That said, it pays well, and I'm getting used to getting up at 0530 two days a week to read the paper and give directions.
The nightclub, however, is another matter. After two very poorly handled conversations with management, I'll be leaving as of early this week. This job has been an issue since before I was hired, and with the one competent manager now living in Texas with his brother, it's just not worth the hassle. Hell, I'm not even in the system anymore ~ and I didn't find that out until after I'd been there for 20 minutes. They offered to let me work last night without getting paid, but I figured I'd just go. *sighs*
The business is doing well, considering what I've put into it. Five official sales, lots of compliments, and two features in less than six months with almost no effort. It's nothing I want to do on a full-time scale, but it does wonders to defray the cost of the hobby that keeps me sane-ish. Which is good. I'm looking at branching into offering more jewelry, and using some of the extra time this summer to push promotion. I likely won't do craft fairs this season, but keep things in mind for the next one.
Game
In theory, I'm involved in four right now ~ two tabletops that meet sporadically, and two regular live action games. The Sabbat game has me somewhat concerned; I didn't intend to be important, and suddenly she is pretty seriously involved. I don't have a good handle on her yet, and it bothers me. I originally designed the character to get into the right headspace for a future game (Night One), but it's taking on a life of its own that I'm not sure I'm happy with. She's an interesting character, but I'm just not sure I'm that interested in her.
Garou, on the other hand, has taken a lot of my attention lately. Robert's Blood has become known to the Nation now, and with some very intense roleplaying over event game last weekend, has a lot on her plate. Between being a pack alpha, a tribe alpha, and alpha den parent... she's busy. Hell - just the eleven cubs are enough to keep her attention half the time. In the near future, I'm going to start going back and scripting rough journal entries for her. I have to be careful to keep my in- and out-of-character impressions separate. The character is Irish and a former Fianna, but also an ahroun. It's a blend of how the stories get told so that they aren't the player telling them, but the character.
That said, a lot of people like what I did for event game - the funeral for her former self and the child, the opportunity for other characters to clear their old grief, the hours spent gallivanting with Fells the Angels, drunk and horsing around like the old packmates they used to be, the induction of Stone into her pack and the handling of a couple of migraine-inducing cubs. Then the strictly out of character workup of the Book of Prophecies, including this image:
(For the record, that's a rip-off of an episode of Ill Will Press's Neurotically Yours. And yes, at the discretion of the EXO of the organization, I spent a full month writing total babble over a KJV Bible he bought at a thrift shop. I'm damn proud of it as a prop, although I'm sure I'm going to hell even after having de-sanctified the book personally.)
I'm told there are a few great pictures of Robert's Blood from the event, and I look forward to seeing them. The one I've already seen isn't terribly flattering. I'm told there's one of her and Fells, standing next to each other "the next morning," angry and deciding what to do with each other. And as a total aside, event game marks the second time I've gotten drunk on non-alcoholic beverages for the sake of the character... and I'm just method enough for it to be an interesting experience.
The Serenity game is on a temporary hiatus as the player of our mechanic is interning this summer. Besides, Captain Harris is pretty easy to write out of any given session for the next year. It's a damn interesting character, though, and after having played her for the better part of a few years now, she slides on like an old comfortable leather jacket. The Scion game hasn't started yet, but looks interesting.
Family
My sisters and I have been working at spending more time together. Now that we're all well-settled adults, we have a new appreciation of each other. I still have issues with their drug use, but we all have our problems. It's been good to spend more time with them and get to know them again as people. I'll also be very curious to see how their new house works out for them - it's a gorgeous place, but I couldn't live with either one of them. Here's hoping they do well together.
My father's birthday celebration on Friday was a disaster. I kind of saw it coming, but I was hopeful against it. I actually walked out, after firmly deciding that I wasn't going to get stuck in the drama once again. Sadly, the drama in question is between the elder generation - and is pretty typical when they're drinking. On one hand, I feel bad for making most of it likely worse, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna get stuck in the middle of it just like I used to as a kid. Fuck that noise.
The foul weather that tore through the north side of the metro seems to have spared my folks' place and my grandmothers', but not my cousins'. They've suffered some pretty serious structural damage, I'm told. Here's hoping that all of that gets better and quickly. I don't get out to St. Michael nearly enough, and that saddens me... but I really can't afford the drive, and our schedules very rarely match up for me to catch a ride out there when they're leaving the Cities from their work weeks.
Friends and Relationships
I've been really stressed out lately, and not the greatest of companionship for anybody, really. My relationship with Manda has been essentially on hiatus, and I need to figure out what to do about it before I do much to change that. Having a stable income and more time will help, but I'm having other issues that I need to deal with before I make any real decisions. Some of this is me calling my sexuality back into question, and that's a pretty heady topic I'm not willing to discuss at this point.
There's at least two conversations that I need to have, at the insistence of my therapist, on the nature of relationships in general. I tried to have one of them today, but totally chickened out when given a chance to do so. I'm fucking scared of both of them, and the therapist kind of warned me about that. Some of it comes out of this idea that if I get that vulnerable and that honest, things will change. I'm generally of the (wrong) opinion that it's better for me to suffer in silence and take what I can get than open my mouth and (a) lose what little I'm getting, (b) hurt people unnecessarily, or both.
Sadly, some of that bit is me calling other things back into question, including my willingness to keep my mouth shut. And my willingness to be involved in polyamory for at least a while. Frankly, the sport sex poly relationships afford me isn't worth the intimacy of relationship sex. Since it's intimacy I'm after these days... well... it gets complicated. Those conversations are meant to get the cards on the table, so that if things can't be less complicated, they can at least put the ball in someone else's court.
I have some pretty awesome friends, I must say. They've all been pretty good about letting me have my space when I've needed it. I, in exchange, am getting pretty good at accepting hugs and touch from folk in general. I'm a part of a group that thrives a lot on contact, and I'm working at becoming more comfortable with the closeness of more than two people at a time. Hell, someone hugged me after event game when I least expected it, and I only asked him to move his arm from my throat. So go me on that, and go them for continuing to be accepting of who I am and what my limitations are.
Health Issues
The other big goal for the summer is to get the physical side of the health under control. Years ago, I cut myself a deal that when I got the mental health well under control, the physical side would follow it. I'm several years out of the hospital now, and with a solid vote of confidence from my therapist, it's time to sit down with the doctors and decide exactly what that "physical side" means.
Based on previous conversations with them, it's going to mean a few very obvious things: diet, exercise, and blood sugar regulation. The Good Mood Diet was the launching point, and it does wonders. However, I do know that my GP wants me to look at a full anti-intolerance/allergy diet for at least a month... and that is not something I'm looking forward to. In order to pull that off, I'd have to eliminate most of the comfort food altogether - which is actually the point. Skipping salad is easy, but cutting nightshade and going gluten- and casein-free is going to take some work on my part. The sugar regulation means eating about six times a day, and will make social situations ridiculous for a while.
That said, when the doc made me misty-eyed by telling me that it was within my reach to go jogging again by the end of the summer... yeah. I miss running. I miss being in a semi-painless state. I'll never be "healthy," but I could go running again. I could dodge the age-on-onset for diabetes in my family. Hell, he honestly thinks it's not unreasonable for me to be a 10/12 before fall semester, if I get serious about it. I haven't been a 10/12 since early in high school.
My teeth are also on the agenda. It'll take at least one significant surgery, but I'm hoping that I've convinced a dentist to just end the worst of my dental problems. Yes, I'll have dentures by 27, but "you'd look really good with nice teeth" isn't just a foreshadowed compliment. (MR) It would also solve a lot of my jaw pain, embarrassment, frustration, and at least give me a semblance of a smile back. I'm okay with getting them relined every couple of years, and frankly - the main problem I'm running into is what I can and can't afford. Scary, but true.
The worst problem with all of this? Me. I know it's me... and it usually is. It's a self-commitment, and those are the ones I'm the worst at. But I know, even if I don't believe yet, that the diet/exercise/sugar combo has the ability to put me in a healthier state than I've ever been - and a happier one. I'm no fool; I know that how I eat and how I move influence how my brain works. That makes it worth it. It's gonna be a lot of me re-arranging my thought processes for a while, but if when I get rolling on it, I'm gonna be that much better off. Who knows, I might even be pretty... (A prime example of the thoughts that keep me fat and unhappy and in pain)
Miscellany
* The house needs to be cleaned again. It suffered under the stress, and that's a cycle that just keeps spinning. A clean house is a saner Sam, and it's too easy to let it slip. It's amazing how something as simple as a made bed can influence my self-conversation for the day. Little steps, minor victories.
* I'll be taking some desperately needed time to myself here in the coming week. Having tomorrow off does wonders for using this week as a re-set between spring semester chaos and summer structure. When I come back from it, I'll be better company for most folks. I need some recharge time, and damn it, I'm taking it. Some of this recharge time will involve ambling about the city, preferably with a select friend or two and babbling until I can get my brain straight again. I'm one of those folk who needs to talk her way through things sometimes, and rather a kinetic thinker in general.
* I'm looking at a new creative venture, and if it works, I'll be bitching about polymer clay under my nails for a while, and how much fun it is to work with tiny things again. Happiness is.
* Power. Game. Life. Right now, that's about making things simpler. Any time I can make things less complicated, that's like to be the right choice... even if it isn't the easier one.
* Is there anything that listening to the Buffy musical episode can't help? Seriously. *soft smile*
And that's life of the last few weeks condensed.
~Samantha