(no subject)
so im updating because i have all these things floating in my head and rather than call someone and go on and on about it like i just did to allison and jill...i would rather just be super ambiguous about it on livejournal which no one reads anyway!!
i just dont understand why i am so scared to move on. i have been wanting it, praying for it even, and now that its staring me in the face more so than it ever has before...im scared shitless. its not even that. im not even scared. 6 months ago i was scared. scared of leaving something behind that i didnt want to. now im confused and worried about what is going to happen next. ahhh as im writing it im like no im not. its like im bullshitting myself. grow the fuck up katherine.
i think im scared to fall into something that isnt going to last. that isnt going to be there in 3 months. yeah if it was like 6 months id be like ehh what are you gonna do? shit happens. but cmon 2 or 3 months? i need something to stick around and last a little while.
what this boils down to is that im chicken shit. and im about to screw up something really great because of it. all because im scared to freakin live in the now and not worry about whats behind me and whats ahead of me. i guess i rationalize my thinking ahead by telling myself that im just trying to be proactive and worry about my well being before i get myself into another mess that i cant handle. its not that getting into it that scares me. i step into things with an open mind and with good intentions, its the getting out that i cant handle. dont know when to leave, dont know when enough is enough. and to pull something else down in that direction, especailly something so great as it is right now, terrifies me.
i really wish i didnt feel like my honest opinions will be judged. like judged badly. i should be able to be myself and be open and not worry about what it is that someone will think of me. and i have that right now, and yet i take advantage of it and sometimes i find myself....whats the word....not trying to be someone that im not because thats not it at all. i dont need to pretend to be someone else for someone to approve of me. but its almost like i hold back because im ashamed. why the fuck am i ashamed?
its paranoia. thats what im deciding for tonight. thats what im calling it and im sticking to it. good night.
i just dont understand why i am so scared to move on. i have been wanting it, praying for it even, and now that its staring me in the face more so than it ever has before...im scared shitless. its not even that. im not even scared. 6 months ago i was scared. scared of leaving something behind that i didnt want to. now im confused and worried about what is going to happen next. ahhh as im writing it im like no im not. its like im bullshitting myself. grow the fuck up katherine.
i think im scared to fall into something that isnt going to last. that isnt going to be there in 3 months. yeah if it was like 6 months id be like ehh what are you gonna do? shit happens. but cmon 2 or 3 months? i need something to stick around and last a little while.
what this boils down to is that im chicken shit. and im about to screw up something really great because of it. all because im scared to freakin live in the now and not worry about whats behind me and whats ahead of me. i guess i rationalize my thinking ahead by telling myself that im just trying to be proactive and worry about my well being before i get myself into another mess that i cant handle. its not that getting into it that scares me. i step into things with an open mind and with good intentions, its the getting out that i cant handle. dont know when to leave, dont know when enough is enough. and to pull something else down in that direction, especailly something so great as it is right now, terrifies me.
i really wish i didnt feel like my honest opinions will be judged. like judged badly. i should be able to be myself and be open and not worry about what it is that someone will think of me. and i have that right now, and yet i take advantage of it and sometimes i find myself....whats the word....not trying to be someone that im not because thats not it at all. i dont need to pretend to be someone else for someone to approve of me. but its almost like i hold back because im ashamed. why the fuck am i ashamed?
its paranoia. thats what im deciding for tonight. thats what im calling it and im sticking to it. good night.