Life and Merlin (thoughts and fic)
Job search aside, have had a lovely couple of days. Went to London on Friday, and said goodbye to my last LSE friend, really should have made friends with people who live in this country, but oh well, at least it means I now have a lot of places to visit. He gave me a Lonely Planet guide to New England as a present, which I took as an invitation, we played pool and I tried, and failed, to find the perfect pair of dotty tights. I then had my hair cut, pictures coming as soon as I find my camera. Have never been more pleased with my hair, it is much shorter and super curly and fun. Yay. Then had dinner with a bunch of my Oxford friends, talked enthusiastically about Master Chef (I am addicted!) and old gossip and it was lovely and comfortable.
There was a number of places I wish I could have gone to yesterday, including a mini Harry Potter con in London, where I would have loved to see a lot of people I haven’t seen in a while, but alas it wasn’t to be, as I had to do a bunch of things at home.
On the bright side, there was Merlin, and it was awesome!
Mordred! Even creepier than before! That ‘Hello Emrys’ gave me goosebumps.
Random giant scorpions!
As for the Merlin/Arthur, thank god for friendlier banter, Arthur all concerned about Merlin getting his feelings hurt, and wanting a token of his affection, so cute!
The Gwen/Morgana moment, so lovely, I wonder if she told Gwen, I suspect she must have, as she told Gaius he is the only one that knows about her dreams, when Gwen knows as well.
Arthur sticking up for Gwen made me go aww.
Arthur didn’t seem all that concerned about Morgana, I used to love their relationship, this season they haven’t spoken to each other once! :(
I kept fearing Merlin would somehow take Morgana's knowledge from her, oh god, I still feel that it will happen, but am so glad it hasn’t, she needs to know.
Morgana’s clothes were seriously beautiful, the whole episode had such stunning visuals, I am very impressed. I wish I had better quality screencaps, but these will have to do.
I am a little in love with her night gown!
Just look at it! The embroidery, the colour! *in awe*
Okay, little red ridinghood may not be exactly practical, but it was well worth it for the visual. So pretty.
Seriously. The contrats between her porcelain skin, the dark woods and the vibrant red. *rewatches*
Just when I thought red was her colour and here comes a stunning green dress. God, Katie must be having such fun.
In conclusion: OT4 forever. <333
I wrote this immediately after I saw the episode, I am sure others will write similar things and better, but in the mean time, this is my take on answering all the ‘what ifs’, which drove me crazy while watching it.
Five things Merlin never says to Morgana
Gen, PG, ~1600, Spoilers to 2x03
1.
“It wasn’t, it was me. It was magic.”
Merlin thought he knew what was coming, but it wasn’t until Morgana had uttered the word ‘magic’, that he realised how unprepared for it he had been. Something unfurled inside of him, and he tightened his grip of the door frame, needing its support.
He waited until Gaius had left, before slipping through the door as quietly as possible, not wanting to startle her. Of course, that didn't quite work out, and he bumped into a stool, which fell with a mighty crash.
Morgana gasped.
Before Merlin could react at all, a metal bowl hit him in the stomach.
Morgana screamed, which Merlin thought was a bit silly, considering he was the one who was going to have the enormous bruise, but after he was no longer doubling over with pain he saw that she was crying and immediately felt awful. On the bright side, her out of control defence mechanism only convinced him that he was making the right decision. Without understanding her magic, Morgana would never learn to control it and even if she wasn’t discovered within five seconds, she could be dangerous.
He had no idea how to act when faced with a crying woman and looked tactfully away, hoping she would take the time to compose herself.
Morgana took an audibly shaky breath, but her voice was steady when she spoke. “Look, Merlin, I’m sorry, I don’t know what you think just happened, but you have to understand…”
Merlin shut his eyes and forced himself to breath, before interrupting her.
“It’s all right, Morgana. You can trust me.” Merlin nodded as he spoke and raised his hand, fingers outstretched in a gesture of appeasement, willing her to believe him.
“Merlin, I’m scared,” she whispered so quietly, it took a moment for the words to sink in.
He didn’t tell her it will be okay in the end, didn’t tell her that there was nothing to fear. He was done with empty promises and lies.
He told her the truth.
2.
“Then you believe me, you think it’s magic too. Please Merlin, I just need to hear someone say it, so I don’t have to keep feeling like I am imagining it”
Merlin looked at her, beautiful in her nightclothes, tears on the verge of spilling, body trembling with exhaustion, fear and the desperate need for confirmation. He knew he shouldn’t. Knew that Gaius was right, that when he made these split second decisions in which he risked everything, people sometimes died. Not to mention that once the words were out of his mouth, there would be no turning back and he would be putting both himself and her in mortal peril. And none of it mattered, not when he knew exactly how she felt. The fear, the loneliness, he still felt them. He had to help her, teach her to control it, to use it for good. With his help, she would be safer, with an ally, he would be safer.
“I believe you.”
She smiled at him, a small smile, but a smile nonetheless. He smiled back, unsure of how to proceed.
“Thank you, Merlin.” Morgana hugged him then, and he stood in frozen shock for a moment before awkwardly putting his arms around her thin shoulders.
She pulled away after a beat, and neatly stepped back.
“Right then, I guess I should be going.”
He cleared his throat and nodded.
“You won’t…”
“No, no, of course not, you can trust me.”
He watched her walk away. Tomorrow, tomorrow he was going to tell her everything.
3.
“I understand, I realise how frightening all this must be for you, especially for you”
She listened carefully, as he told her where to go in order to find the druids, gripped his hand with both of hers and thanked him.
“And Merlin, it’s not that I don’t appreciate this, but…why are you doing this, why are you helping me?”
A mumbled half truth was at the tip of his tongue, ready as always, but his mouth opened and closed and nothing at all came out of it. He had to lie everyday to most of the people he cared about, Morgana was like him, like him. He knew her, had fought beside her, she had called him a friend, he couldn’t bring himself to keep on lying. Not when she had trusted him with her life. He could do her the same honour.
“I…I had to, you see,” he had gone to sleep the previous night imagining telling her and rehearsing the different possibilities and yet it seemed impossible at this moment. He breathed in deeply, and concentrated on a spot just above her head when he spoke.
“I couldn’t not help you, when I…well, when I am like you.”
Morgana did not ask for clarification, his meaning was clear. Her hand moved to cover her mouth, but she didn’t look afraid.
She waited for him to continue, and after he felt sure that he could speak, he told her about his childhood, the magic he couldn’t control or understand. He told her of Will, the only person that ever knew. Told her everything, how it felt having to hide in Camelot, saving Arthur’s life again and again, having to lie to everyone.
After he had done speaking, as ridiculous as it might sound, he truly felt lighter. About half way through his tale, Morgana had started crying, but her tears had dried by the end and she looked determined when she spoke.
“Show me.”
He shook his head, telling her had been one thing, but showing her…
“Show me.”
“If you insist, my lady,” Merlin inclined his head in deference. Somehow the formal address helped him calm down a little. He was following an order, that was all.
Merlin felt the click of rightness in his mind, and watched the bright spots of the floating candle reflecting in her eyes.
There would be no need to go to the druids, no need to take such a risk.
4.
“These are my people. They are like me. I don’t feel so alone here.”
Merlin would lie if he said he didn’t understand what she was saying. On days when everything went wrong or after Arthur said something particularly mean, a small part of him longed to do just the same. Nonetheless, he couldn’t let her stay, if she didn’t come back, Uther would not stop until he found her, and too many would die for her recklessness. It seemed that telling her would be his only chance of persuading her. Later he knew that that pretext was a false one, nothing more than an excuse. He wanted to tell her, had wanted to tell her from the very beginning, as much for his own sake as for hers.
“Well, maybe, maybe you won’t be alone if you came back to Camelot.”
She sighed, misunderstanding. “I know how that makes me sound, and I will miss them all, more than I can say. And Gwen may never understand if I leave, but Uther will never forgive me if I stayed. I have always known I don’t belong there.”
“I meant, you won’t be alone. Look.”
They both watched as her pillow floated gently to the roof of the tent, turned twice once there and then fell back onto the bed. Or rather, Morgana did, while Merlin watched her carefully, waiting for a sign of terror. He had never had to tell anybody about his magic, other people always found out first, saving him the horror of confessing, and he did not know what to expect.
A crease formed between her brows and she spoke with evident difficulty.
“You.”
He nodded.
“All this time, you have been secretly doing magic in front of Uther’s very nose. You?”
Merlin had expected anger, hurt, anything but laughter.
His carefully rehearsed speech would be useless now, it was way too solemn, he shrugged and smiled instead, feeling a little put upon.
She grabbed the no longer floating pillow and threw it right at Merlin’s head, he stopped it inches before it hit him in the face and lifted a challenging eyebrow, which made her laugh even more.
“All right, my turn now!” Morgana nodded towards the pillow.
Merlin shrugged, they were very possibly in danger, and this was stupid, but he didn’t want to upset her. He couln't remember the last time he'd seen her laugh.
He threw the pillow carefully, and it fell into her lap without a hitch.
She frowned, “again.”
Merlin had to hide a smile, before he threw it again, a little higher this time.
It exploded.
Their mood sobered along with the last of the feathers settling gently on the floor, which is when the tent flap was pushed roughly aside and someone told them to run. With Merlin freely able to do magic in front of her, their escape was easy.
Upon their return, Morgana told a tale which absolved the druids from her kidnapping and Uther was too relieved to question it.
5.
“I know now who I really am, and it isn’t something to be scared of. Maybe one day people will come to see magic as a force for good.”
Morgana was brave and good and Merlin felt stupidly proud of her. With barely a time to adjust all of her beliefs, she had come to a conclusion, one which she had very little evidence for, one which Merlin believed wholeheartedly. He had to tell her, if he was going to keep her secret, the only way she could truly trust him would be if she kept his in turn. In order to deserve her trust, he had to be honest.
He grinned at her, feeling stupidly giddy and not afraid at all.
“Um. I believe that will happen, magic was something you were born with. You don’t choose to have magic, you chose how to use it. And to use it well, you need guidance, guidance, which I can offer.”
There was a number of places I wish I could have gone to yesterday, including a mini Harry Potter con in London, where I would have loved to see a lot of people I haven’t seen in a while, but alas it wasn’t to be, as I had to do a bunch of things at home.
On the bright side, there was Merlin, and it was awesome!
Mordred! Even creepier than before! That ‘Hello Emrys’ gave me goosebumps.
Random giant scorpions!
As for the Merlin/Arthur, thank god for friendlier banter, Arthur all concerned about Merlin getting his feelings hurt, and wanting a token of his affection, so cute!
The Gwen/Morgana moment, so lovely, I wonder if she told Gwen, I suspect she must have, as she told Gaius he is the only one that knows about her dreams, when Gwen knows as well.
Arthur sticking up for Gwen made me go aww.
Arthur didn’t seem all that concerned about Morgana, I used to love their relationship, this season they haven’t spoken to each other once! :(
I kept fearing Merlin would somehow take Morgana's knowledge from her, oh god, I still feel that it will happen, but am so glad it hasn’t, she needs to know.
Morgana’s clothes were seriously beautiful, the whole episode had such stunning visuals, I am very impressed. I wish I had better quality screencaps, but these will have to do.
I am a little in love with her night gown!
Just look at it! The embroidery, the colour! *in awe*
Okay, little red ridinghood may not be exactly practical, but it was well worth it for the visual. So pretty.
Seriously. The contrats between her porcelain skin, the dark woods and the vibrant red. *rewatches*
Just when I thought red was her colour and here comes a stunning green dress. God, Katie must be having such fun.
In conclusion: OT4 forever. <333
I wrote this immediately after I saw the episode, I am sure others will write similar things and better, but in the mean time, this is my take on answering all the ‘what ifs’, which drove me crazy while watching it.
Five things Merlin never says to Morgana
Gen, PG, ~1600, Spoilers to 2x03
1.
“It wasn’t, it was me. It was magic.”
Merlin thought he knew what was coming, but it wasn’t until Morgana had uttered the word ‘magic’, that he realised how unprepared for it he had been. Something unfurled inside of him, and he tightened his grip of the door frame, needing its support.
He waited until Gaius had left, before slipping through the door as quietly as possible, not wanting to startle her. Of course, that didn't quite work out, and he bumped into a stool, which fell with a mighty crash.
Morgana gasped.
Before Merlin could react at all, a metal bowl hit him in the stomach.
Morgana screamed, which Merlin thought was a bit silly, considering he was the one who was going to have the enormous bruise, but after he was no longer doubling over with pain he saw that she was crying and immediately felt awful. On the bright side, her out of control defence mechanism only convinced him that he was making the right decision. Without understanding her magic, Morgana would never learn to control it and even if she wasn’t discovered within five seconds, she could be dangerous.
He had no idea how to act when faced with a crying woman and looked tactfully away, hoping she would take the time to compose herself.
Morgana took an audibly shaky breath, but her voice was steady when she spoke. “Look, Merlin, I’m sorry, I don’t know what you think just happened, but you have to understand…”
Merlin shut his eyes and forced himself to breath, before interrupting her.
“It’s all right, Morgana. You can trust me.” Merlin nodded as he spoke and raised his hand, fingers outstretched in a gesture of appeasement, willing her to believe him.
“Merlin, I’m scared,” she whispered so quietly, it took a moment for the words to sink in.
He didn’t tell her it will be okay in the end, didn’t tell her that there was nothing to fear. He was done with empty promises and lies.
He told her the truth.
2.
“Then you believe me, you think it’s magic too. Please Merlin, I just need to hear someone say it, so I don’t have to keep feeling like I am imagining it”
Merlin looked at her, beautiful in her nightclothes, tears on the verge of spilling, body trembling with exhaustion, fear and the desperate need for confirmation. He knew he shouldn’t. Knew that Gaius was right, that when he made these split second decisions in which he risked everything, people sometimes died. Not to mention that once the words were out of his mouth, there would be no turning back and he would be putting both himself and her in mortal peril. And none of it mattered, not when he knew exactly how she felt. The fear, the loneliness, he still felt them. He had to help her, teach her to control it, to use it for good. With his help, she would be safer, with an ally, he would be safer.
“I believe you.”
She smiled at him, a small smile, but a smile nonetheless. He smiled back, unsure of how to proceed.
“Thank you, Merlin.” Morgana hugged him then, and he stood in frozen shock for a moment before awkwardly putting his arms around her thin shoulders.
She pulled away after a beat, and neatly stepped back.
“Right then, I guess I should be going.”
He cleared his throat and nodded.
“You won’t…”
“No, no, of course not, you can trust me.”
He watched her walk away. Tomorrow, tomorrow he was going to tell her everything.
3.
“I understand, I realise how frightening all this must be for you, especially for you”
She listened carefully, as he told her where to go in order to find the druids, gripped his hand with both of hers and thanked him.
“And Merlin, it’s not that I don’t appreciate this, but…why are you doing this, why are you helping me?”
A mumbled half truth was at the tip of his tongue, ready as always, but his mouth opened and closed and nothing at all came out of it. He had to lie everyday to most of the people he cared about, Morgana was like him, like him. He knew her, had fought beside her, she had called him a friend, he couldn’t bring himself to keep on lying. Not when she had trusted him with her life. He could do her the same honour.
“I…I had to, you see,” he had gone to sleep the previous night imagining telling her and rehearsing the different possibilities and yet it seemed impossible at this moment. He breathed in deeply, and concentrated on a spot just above her head when he spoke.
“I couldn’t not help you, when I…well, when I am like you.”
Morgana did not ask for clarification, his meaning was clear. Her hand moved to cover her mouth, but she didn’t look afraid.
She waited for him to continue, and after he felt sure that he could speak, he told her about his childhood, the magic he couldn’t control or understand. He told her of Will, the only person that ever knew. Told her everything, how it felt having to hide in Camelot, saving Arthur’s life again and again, having to lie to everyone.
After he had done speaking, as ridiculous as it might sound, he truly felt lighter. About half way through his tale, Morgana had started crying, but her tears had dried by the end and she looked determined when she spoke.
“Show me.”
He shook his head, telling her had been one thing, but showing her…
“Show me.”
“If you insist, my lady,” Merlin inclined his head in deference. Somehow the formal address helped him calm down a little. He was following an order, that was all.
Merlin felt the click of rightness in his mind, and watched the bright spots of the floating candle reflecting in her eyes.
There would be no need to go to the druids, no need to take such a risk.
4.
“These are my people. They are like me. I don’t feel so alone here.”
Merlin would lie if he said he didn’t understand what she was saying. On days when everything went wrong or after Arthur said something particularly mean, a small part of him longed to do just the same. Nonetheless, he couldn’t let her stay, if she didn’t come back, Uther would not stop until he found her, and too many would die for her recklessness. It seemed that telling her would be his only chance of persuading her. Later he knew that that pretext was a false one, nothing more than an excuse. He wanted to tell her, had wanted to tell her from the very beginning, as much for his own sake as for hers.
“Well, maybe, maybe you won’t be alone if you came back to Camelot.”
She sighed, misunderstanding. “I know how that makes me sound, and I will miss them all, more than I can say. And Gwen may never understand if I leave, but Uther will never forgive me if I stayed. I have always known I don’t belong there.”
“I meant, you won’t be alone. Look.”
They both watched as her pillow floated gently to the roof of the tent, turned twice once there and then fell back onto the bed. Or rather, Morgana did, while Merlin watched her carefully, waiting for a sign of terror. He had never had to tell anybody about his magic, other people always found out first, saving him the horror of confessing, and he did not know what to expect.
A crease formed between her brows and she spoke with evident difficulty.
“You.”
He nodded.
“All this time, you have been secretly doing magic in front of Uther’s very nose. You?”
Merlin had expected anger, hurt, anything but laughter.
His carefully rehearsed speech would be useless now, it was way too solemn, he shrugged and smiled instead, feeling a little put upon.
She grabbed the no longer floating pillow and threw it right at Merlin’s head, he stopped it inches before it hit him in the face and lifted a challenging eyebrow, which made her laugh even more.
“All right, my turn now!” Morgana nodded towards the pillow.
Merlin shrugged, they were very possibly in danger, and this was stupid, but he didn’t want to upset her. He couln't remember the last time he'd seen her laugh.
He threw the pillow carefully, and it fell into her lap without a hitch.
She frowned, “again.”
Merlin had to hide a smile, before he threw it again, a little higher this time.
It exploded.
Their mood sobered along with the last of the feathers settling gently on the floor, which is when the tent flap was pushed roughly aside and someone told them to run. With Merlin freely able to do magic in front of her, their escape was easy.
Upon their return, Morgana told a tale which absolved the druids from her kidnapping and Uther was too relieved to question it.
5.
“I know now who I really am, and it isn’t something to be scared of. Maybe one day people will come to see magic as a force for good.”
Morgana was brave and good and Merlin felt stupidly proud of her. With barely a time to adjust all of her beliefs, she had come to a conclusion, one which she had very little evidence for, one which Merlin believed wholeheartedly. He had to tell her, if he was going to keep her secret, the only way she could truly trust him would be if she kept his in turn. In order to deserve her trust, he had to be honest.
He grinned at her, feeling stupidly giddy and not afraid at all.
“Um. I believe that will happen, magic was something you were born with. You don’t choose to have magic, you chose how to use it. And to use it well, you need guidance, guidance, which I can offer.”