My ADD - reading a new book
So, I think everyone who might read this knows, I have ADD.
I didn't get diagnosed with it until after I returned to college after flunking out, and coming close to flunking out again. It's obvious now to me that I had ADD all through school and college. But no one picked up on it until I was 22 or so. A quick story:
Back in High School, the homework was to read a chapter in the Great Gatsby, which, for once, I actually made sure and did. The next day, there is a quiz on it and I fail it outright. I don't even remember the parts they are asking questions about. It really upset me. I even approached my teacher and told him about it. Nothing happened though. ADD was still not well known anywhere.
I actually heard that after I flunked out of college, several high school teachers of mine cringed. They had specifically let me through because I was "so smart" and they didn't want to be the ones holding me back. I think perhaps they thought I wasn't challenged enough by their class. Once I flunked out, they realized that maybe they should have rung alarm bells instead.
I don't talk about my ADD much usually. I'm fairly open about my sleep apnea, but don't talk about my ADD much. I still take Ritalin twice a day. And it does make a difference.
However, it doesn't solve the problems. And granted, medication won't solve all the problems of ADD, but it does help. I'm reading this book (it was written by two Ph.D.s who have ADD) and it feels good. Because it is reminding me that most of the problems that I have day-to-day are because of the ADD. And honestly, while the Ritalin does help... it doesn't do so consistently or for enough of the day. I'm good at my job. Really good. But there are days when I can get little done because I cannot focus at all. It's really my skill at my job that allows me to heavily capitalize on those times when I *can* focus, and get so much done. My job and the fact that I set my own priorities and work independently *really* allows me to function well, most of the time. But I think I could be doing *so* much more.
I've approached my Primary Care Physician a couple times about changing medication, and he's usually pushed back. "Does the Ritalin work?" Me: "Sortof." Him: "Well, nothing is going to be perfect." My doc is awesome, but ADD is not his specialty. I need to find someone to treat my ADD. I've seen a therapist off and on over the past year or so, and he's pretty good. Except he doesn't believe in medication. Instead, he believes in the ability of one to overcome the bad wiring in our own brains. Except, my ADD really interferes with that process. It's difficult for me to *remember* to try and override my responses.
This whole long-winded post got started because of a section in the book that really resonated with me. The author is talking about the dangers of ADD people getting addicted to drugs, alcohol, or disruptive behaviors because they are more stimulating. Self-medication, that sort of thing. And then he starts in about how ADD people do like to pick fights and have some conflict. Why? Because Adrenalin is a stimulant. And when you get into a fight, Adrenalin gets squirted into your bloodstream and suddenly you feel like you can focus.
Why did this resonate with me? I have a real hard time getting myself to do housework. I just do. But, when I get really angry, I often start cleaning up the house. Working on dishes, taking out trash, etc. And I've seen that effect before. Fortunately, I (at least think I) don't pick fights to capitalize on this phenomenon. But that it is happening (along with many other factors), says to me that my ADD isn't being handled well. And I need to at least pursure that.
I'm looking at trying to have my degree finished within 4 years. I own a house now. I plan on being married and starting to have kids in the next few years. And I want that all to *happen*. I don't want any of those things to be another of the things that I've started and abandoned. Or done poorly on because I let things slip by.
To some degree, I'm fairly lucky, because Rochester has a local ADD support group. Not that I've gone in the many years (more than 10 that I've been living here now) that I've been in Rochester. And I'm going to change that this month. There is a meeting covering Adult ADD issues on the 15th of this month (there is on the 3rd Wednesday of *every* month). Of course, as I write that, it means I'll probably be missing an opportunity to go to Sushi with old co-workers and friends. But dammit, I *need* to do something about this. Things are good in my life, but could be so much better, if only I could bring myself to buckle down and do things. Which, because of the ADD, so often I just cannot do.
Like finish sealing the windows downstairs. It's freezing down here because the windows leak. I have the plastic kits to seal them, but it's been weeks since I did the one window in the bathroom. It's not hard. It's not an unpleasant process. But I cannot bring myself to just get it done. Another example: I need to call Waste Management, our garbage company, to arrange pick-up of some of the old furniture that we don't want or need (some that Joy left behind, other of it just broken). It's been weeks now, and I can never remember to call while they are open. Or the fact that I haven't called my favorite Aunt or Uncle in weeks (and the last time I called it was shortly after my Aunt got home from life-threatening cancer surgery). Or that I haven't followed-up with my long-time friend Sashu. Even though we haven't seen each other in years.
Ugh, I'm depressing myself now by listing all the things that I just haven't gotten done.
But, I'm working towards change.
Oh, BTW, the book's name is "Delivered from Distraction" by Hallowell and Ratey. It is part of a "series", sort of. First two being "Driven to Distraction" and "Answers to Distraction". Both books I owned years ago, but loaned them to an ADD student on CSH years ago and never got them back.
I'm kindof whiny here, but honestly, it feels good to go over a lot of this stuff. Reading the book reminds me that I'm not defective in moral character, that I've got this problem, and it's hard to overcome it, but there are things that can help. Oh, and the book stresses a lot of the positive aspects of ADD.
Aspects like: sense of humor, generous nature, intuitive leaps that other people cannot do. And more. ADD has some really obnoxious drawbacks, but has some features that are awesome. And I've got all those too. So it's not all bad.
I didn't get diagnosed with it until after I returned to college after flunking out, and coming close to flunking out again. It's obvious now to me that I had ADD all through school and college. But no one picked up on it until I was 22 or so. A quick story:
Back in High School, the homework was to read a chapter in the Great Gatsby, which, for once, I actually made sure and did. The next day, there is a quiz on it and I fail it outright. I don't even remember the parts they are asking questions about. It really upset me. I even approached my teacher and told him about it. Nothing happened though. ADD was still not well known anywhere.
I actually heard that after I flunked out of college, several high school teachers of mine cringed. They had specifically let me through because I was "so smart" and they didn't want to be the ones holding me back. I think perhaps they thought I wasn't challenged enough by their class. Once I flunked out, they realized that maybe they should have rung alarm bells instead.
I don't talk about my ADD much usually. I'm fairly open about my sleep apnea, but don't talk about my ADD much. I still take Ritalin twice a day. And it does make a difference.
However, it doesn't solve the problems. And granted, medication won't solve all the problems of ADD, but it does help. I'm reading this book (it was written by two Ph.D.s who have ADD) and it feels good. Because it is reminding me that most of the problems that I have day-to-day are because of the ADD. And honestly, while the Ritalin does help... it doesn't do so consistently or for enough of the day. I'm good at my job. Really good. But there are days when I can get little done because I cannot focus at all. It's really my skill at my job that allows me to heavily capitalize on those times when I *can* focus, and get so much done. My job and the fact that I set my own priorities and work independently *really* allows me to function well, most of the time. But I think I could be doing *so* much more.
I've approached my Primary Care Physician a couple times about changing medication, and he's usually pushed back. "Does the Ritalin work?" Me: "Sortof." Him: "Well, nothing is going to be perfect." My doc is awesome, but ADD is not his specialty. I need to find someone to treat my ADD. I've seen a therapist off and on over the past year or so, and he's pretty good. Except he doesn't believe in medication. Instead, he believes in the ability of one to overcome the bad wiring in our own brains. Except, my ADD really interferes with that process. It's difficult for me to *remember* to try and override my responses.
This whole long-winded post got started because of a section in the book that really resonated with me. The author is talking about the dangers of ADD people getting addicted to drugs, alcohol, or disruptive behaviors because they are more stimulating. Self-medication, that sort of thing. And then he starts in about how ADD people do like to pick fights and have some conflict. Why? Because Adrenalin is a stimulant. And when you get into a fight, Adrenalin gets squirted into your bloodstream and suddenly you feel like you can focus.
Why did this resonate with me? I have a real hard time getting myself to do housework. I just do. But, when I get really angry, I often start cleaning up the house. Working on dishes, taking out trash, etc. And I've seen that effect before. Fortunately, I (at least think I) don't pick fights to capitalize on this phenomenon. But that it is happening (along with many other factors), says to me that my ADD isn't being handled well. And I need to at least pursure that.
I'm looking at trying to have my degree finished within 4 years. I own a house now. I plan on being married and starting to have kids in the next few years. And I want that all to *happen*. I don't want any of those things to be another of the things that I've started and abandoned. Or done poorly on because I let things slip by.
To some degree, I'm fairly lucky, because Rochester has a local ADD support group. Not that I've gone in the many years (more than 10 that I've been living here now) that I've been in Rochester. And I'm going to change that this month. There is a meeting covering Adult ADD issues on the 15th of this month (there is on the 3rd Wednesday of *every* month). Of course, as I write that, it means I'll probably be missing an opportunity to go to Sushi with old co-workers and friends. But dammit, I *need* to do something about this. Things are good in my life, but could be so much better, if only I could bring myself to buckle down and do things. Which, because of the ADD, so often I just cannot do.
Like finish sealing the windows downstairs. It's freezing down here because the windows leak. I have the plastic kits to seal them, but it's been weeks since I did the one window in the bathroom. It's not hard. It's not an unpleasant process. But I cannot bring myself to just get it done. Another example: I need to call Waste Management, our garbage company, to arrange pick-up of some of the old furniture that we don't want or need (some that Joy left behind, other of it just broken). It's been weeks now, and I can never remember to call while they are open. Or the fact that I haven't called my favorite Aunt or Uncle in weeks (and the last time I called it was shortly after my Aunt got home from life-threatening cancer surgery). Or that I haven't followed-up with my long-time friend Sashu. Even though we haven't seen each other in years.
Ugh, I'm depressing myself now by listing all the things that I just haven't gotten done.
But, I'm working towards change.
Oh, BTW, the book's name is "Delivered from Distraction" by Hallowell and Ratey. It is part of a "series", sort of. First two being "Driven to Distraction" and "Answers to Distraction". Both books I owned years ago, but loaned them to an ADD student on CSH years ago and never got them back.
I'm kindof whiny here, but honestly, it feels good to go over a lot of this stuff. Reading the book reminds me that I'm not defective in moral character, that I've got this problem, and it's hard to overcome it, but there are things that can help. Oh, and the book stresses a lot of the positive aspects of ADD.
Aspects like: sense of humor, generous nature, intuitive leaps that other people cannot do. And more. ADD has some really obnoxious drawbacks, but has some features that are awesome. And I've got all those too. So it's not all bad.