Lately
Last January (2009) I had a personal crisis. I didn't know what to do with my life, everything seemed so bleak. The truth is I'm terrified of being alone. Always have been.
Grade school was always hell. A hell I endured every single day. Not because of something traumatic, even though it wasn't all roses and sunshine (for lack of a better description). I had my share of bullying, teasing, what have you, but my hell was something worse. Loneliness. Everyone has their share of it, the times where you wish you had a friend around when there's no one there, or times where you were out and about and you realize sharing that experience with someone else would be that much more satisfying. But what happens when you feel that loneliness when you're with those closest to you? When you're playing your favorite game with your best friend standing right there next to you, but you feel like no one's there. That was the hell I went through in school.
Last January I felt like I was losing the one person who made those feelings seem to vanish, like I wasn't alone anymore. Anyways, last January that person did what was best for them, and in a sense best for me, and in essence the feelings of loneliness began to come back. I went through depression and found out I was Bi-Polar. Took meds, balanced out, but never felt the sense of being alone for a while because the medication seemed to make me numb to every feeling.
The point of this post is that, well, I've started to really feel as though the loneliness I experienced back then is coming back. As though everyone around me is a blur. I don't really know what to do, I know what helped me in the past but it wont help me where I am currently. I just want something to release this sense of dread. Dread of being alone for the rest of my life.
Grade school was always hell. A hell I endured every single day. Not because of something traumatic, even though it wasn't all roses and sunshine (for lack of a better description). I had my share of bullying, teasing, what have you, but my hell was something worse. Loneliness. Everyone has their share of it, the times where you wish you had a friend around when there's no one there, or times where you were out and about and you realize sharing that experience with someone else would be that much more satisfying. But what happens when you feel that loneliness when you're with those closest to you? When you're playing your favorite game with your best friend standing right there next to you, but you feel like no one's there. That was the hell I went through in school.
Last January I felt like I was losing the one person who made those feelings seem to vanish, like I wasn't alone anymore. Anyways, last January that person did what was best for them, and in a sense best for me, and in essence the feelings of loneliness began to come back. I went through depression and found out I was Bi-Polar. Took meds, balanced out, but never felt the sense of being alone for a while because the medication seemed to make me numb to every feeling.
The point of this post is that, well, I've started to really feel as though the loneliness I experienced back then is coming back. As though everyone around me is a blur. I don't really know what to do, I know what helped me in the past but it wont help me where I am currently. I just want something to release this sense of dread. Dread of being alone for the rest of my life.