World Domination
Ha! I wish. Not really, but it's a nice thought. Time for another update I say, and today on 'In the Life of a Weasel' we talk about our plans for the future. My plane has crashed and burned so bad I highly doubt it can ever be repaired, casualties at a maximun, survival is debatable. Why? Cause I'm sto0pid. Ah well, shit happens, I'm a fuck up. One of those little twists of Fate, that looks shiny but is really harmful. I want so much to be what I appear to be, but that's a fight that is not as easy as people might think. I get lectures, rebukes, and looks of dismay, but that doesn't change a thing. People don't understand that I have had to do everything in life on my own, solve my own problems, make my own meals, the list goes on. Some of it is simple, others harsh. Is this an excuse? Depends on your POV. Ye know, many people could sit here and read this thinking, 'what the fuck is this guy on and what is his problem?', or perhaps even, 'Wow....I wouldn't wanna be in his shoes.' Everyone has thier own ideas and beliefs on various matters so when I bring up any subject it's hard to broaden it to the point everyone will understand. Hence, I guess, I find it hard to trust people. Noone understands me, and when I do try to get people to understand me, people give me shit cause I am used to doing it alone, and that is deemed immature, childish, and just plain stupid. I mean, I have people that say they love me but I bet they have thier doubts. So I have come to this conclusion. Kitty Hawk is where I am going to strive to work, whether warned against it or not, it's a job that will pay well and set me up to where I can hold a second job. Now, because of this, I very well may have to move back in with my mother till she gets her van fixed since she has my car. A part of me, given what's been going on, won't mind that, my question to myself is, 'What are you going to do if you move back?' I am not sure. I got so much going through my mind right now making decisions is kid of hard. However, I do know this. I plan to disappear, it will be a bit of time before it happens but once I can get two jobs rolling, I will be out of the house enough to where I won't have to worry about anything but surviving, and keeping my jobs. A friend of mine says he is probably coming back from Texas and we are already talking about plans oto crash together, which will increase the influx of money into the household. I have a lot of plans, needs, desires, wants, hopes, dreams. I have given up on my hopes however. I've fucked up to much to have such things anymore. Dreams, I have one left. Sadly, I realize that because of the changes I need to make it will not be possible for me to have that other half of me, that significant other that will help me through things. I guess I can deal with it, reality bites sometimes but you gotta bite the bullet and just keep going. If I can acquire two jobs ASAP I will be able to move out before December. Which means two things, if Tony does come back he will have his room open and ready for him, and two those people who I have hurt so much and brought doubt and worry into thier life will no longer have to worry, for I won't be around. Big plans, so little time. I despise who I am, and it's better I distance myself from the world, and do what it takes to survive than attempt to have the life I so dreamed about it. So much for the whole family and kids idea right? With what I see of myself I would probably be a shitty father anyway. *shrug* Can't honestly say. But, I got major problems, I bet a lot of people here wonder why I ain't in a padded cell in a straight jacket. It's high time I reevaluate my priorities. Right now they have become, get two jobs, save money, move out, get car, gradually fade away. Maybe I will end up one of those people living in a mountain home so far away from everyone else that people wonder who you are. Well, I kinda feel like that now, noone does know who I am. They see my past, and what it has made me. Patience is a virtue this world does not have. Something that is required for me, but as I like to say, 'c'est la vie.' What will happen with me and church? For you curious people out there I can't say. I am taking a walk with God right now, and he has given me a lot of things, not to mention has he taken a lot away. There is a lot more that he has given me that I haven't told anyone and it shall stay that way. Needless to say, when the time comes I will make the decision, and where it leads me I don't know, all I know is I am stranded in a desert and I need to find that oasis before too late. Heh....confused ye with this post haven't I? Trust me my fellow viewers....this is only the beginning. In time you will come to learn a lot about me, and the truths of reality. Wait till I get philosophical. ^_~ Until next time mes amis....au revoir.