"The only way we can light is our own." - Mikage, Kitchen (Yoshimoto Banana)
Money has become a great source of comfort to me. Rather than believe in myself, who is unreliable, insecure and of the nervous and tense kind, I'd rather believe in society's love for $$. As long as I have money, preferrably in cash, I'm not afraid to venture out on my own. I don't fear getting lost, for I can call a taxi at any time. I dont mind being late and missing my check-in time, my flight, or anything that can be solved by monatery means. Since I've begun working, instead of learning the value of money and becoming more spend-conscious, I have learned of the vast area of worries that is/can be affected by money. Money in my pocket is a kind of freedom that can be described as a get out of jail free-card that I am slowly beginning to know how to use.
I wonder if I can ever be an educator. Sometimes I go to my boxing classes and honestly wonder why these people are coaching me. I wonder why they give us so many hours a week to act as our personal trainers and why they have so much patience in teaching us how to box when they know we're never going to enter a ring. When I observe them, I know in my heart that I am not of the same caliber. If I teach, it will be for the secure job, the benefits, the experience and of course: the paycheck. Even if I enjoy doing whatever it is that I will do, it will never be about just completing the assignment or about my personal project. Work will always be a means of securing myself in society and an investment that will fund my comfort. At the core, I'm really just about quick results and minimum dedication. I have such a common mindset that I'm beginning to see 9-5 in my future.
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I feel like such a contradiction. I believe that we're fundamentally all alone in the world, but at the same time I dare claim that home is where the heart is, and my heart is with my friends. Relatives are nice to visit, but the longer I stay, the more I realize that I can't live with them. I have learned a lesson: you can't be around someone who makes you think that you're a bad person, makes you hate yourself, or makes you think you should be a better person. This is especially true if the person is completely unaware of their impact on you. People like that might be great, you might admire them and they might really miss your relationship afterwards, but nothing should make you feel like you should speed up your work-in-progress. No one should make you think that your pace is too slow.
I wonder if I can ever be an educator. Sometimes I go to my boxing classes and honestly wonder why these people are coaching me. I wonder why they give us so many hours a week to act as our personal trainers and why they have so much patience in teaching us how to box when they know we're never going to enter a ring. When I observe them, I know in my heart that I am not of the same caliber. If I teach, it will be for the secure job, the benefits, the experience and of course: the paycheck. Even if I enjoy doing whatever it is that I will do, it will never be about just completing the assignment or about my personal project. Work will always be a means of securing myself in society and an investment that will fund my comfort. At the core, I'm really just about quick results and minimum dedication. I have such a common mindset that I'm beginning to see 9-5 in my future.
---
I feel like such a contradiction. I believe that we're fundamentally all alone in the world, but at the same time I dare claim that home is where the heart is, and my heart is with my friends. Relatives are nice to visit, but the longer I stay, the more I realize that I can't live with them. I have learned a lesson: you can't be around someone who makes you think that you're a bad person, makes you hate yourself, or makes you think you should be a better person. This is especially true if the person is completely unaware of their impact on you. People like that might be great, you might admire them and they might really miss your relationship afterwards, but nothing should make you feel like you should speed up your work-in-progress. No one should make you think that your pace is too slow.