A better person
We had to see my parents tonight.
Seeing them is so awkward. They still haven't recovered from when we got married, I guess. I understand they were hurt and/or upset that we "eloped" (we told them about it, but we had a mini private ceremony between just me and Mr Kuriboo). But is being upset about it really worth making it impossible for your kid to see or talk to you?
I can't call them, contact them, anything - without the constant fear that the conversation is going to spiral into an uncomfortable guilt trip session. Tonight we had dinner, at a very nice restaurant, and we spent most of the evening in silence, just eating. The rest of the conversation was about TV and how nice the food was.
My relationship with my family is abnormal. Growing up, I felt the usual teenage stuff - "my parents are so unfair" blah blah blah. I moved out from their house about 6 years ago. Only in the last year or so did I begin to realise how screwed up parts of my childhood were. The drama over us getting married prompted me to talk more about what things were like back then, and retell events that leave some people in a sort of stunned silence.
Now I'm left with a horribly dysfunctional relationship with them, we've never been a family that seems to talk about stuff or compliment each other. I can only recall a few compliments given. Sure, drawings as a kid were hung on the walls and stuff. But after age 12 or so? I can only think of a couple of positive things, that really weren't positive... For, example, being told ina a hurried manner, "We are proud of you, of course we are" while being pulled up and scolded for some other issue. What's the use of a compliment that goes hand in hand with a "but you're doing this all wrong"...?
I wasn't allowed to join clubs, kid's communities. We didn't "have the money". OK, fine, that can't be helped in a single income family, and I can't resent or hold that against my parents. Not at all. But at the same time, I wasn't allowed to go to half the events or activities friends organised, either. As a result, my social skills are so desperately lacking. Sometimes I'm so painfully shy I'd rather stand, terrified, on my own, than risk talking to new people. What if I say the wrong thing? (I always do.) I know now that I'm old enough that this is my responsibility to change. And gradually, I'm making great progress. But to have a childhood that was so strict and so ridiculously constricting, that I missed out on so many countless experiences. I have never attended a camp. I wasn't allowed. "It's not safe", "something might happen". I was offered an invitation to a writing camp...
Writing. Writing, that I spent most of my childhood doing. I wrote stories, poems, lyrics, whatever I could think of. Teachers told me I was good. It was after showing several teachers some of my writing that they invited me to a special writing camp. I was ecstatic. I remember the feeling of excitement, stomach simultaneously sinking with dread, mind racing, trying to think of any compromises, promises, anything I could think of to get permission to go to this camp. It was all in vain. I was told no, if I remember correctly it was barely even discussed... At any rate, no matter how the decision was reached, the thing I was desperate to do was declined.
I remember pretending to be asleep and listening to my parents talking outside my room when I was in high school. They had been watching TV - something about obesity in kids, or something. I don't know. But the conversation was my father saying, "Yes, well, even Kuriboo has a gut." I didn't. I was a size 8, back when size 8 was the smallest size available. I was mid-teens and I could wear some kid's clothes. Guys at school teased me by asking me if I was anorexic. But I still overheard my parents discussing me, apparently thinking I was fat. I remember feeling so sick, I already knew how ugly I was, I already thought myself as fat as a hippo. I look at photos of myself from that period and boggle at how skinny I was. I didn't have a gut. I didn't know why I heard them saying I did. All I knew was it was another kick to my nearly non-existent self esteem.
I remember the first day I got my period. I was devastated, uncertain, scared. I was told "Why today? Why did it have to be today?" and had a few oversized, all nighter sanitary napkins shoved into my hand. It is for these reasons I despise my period. I despise wearing those stupid napkins. Nowadays I skip my period altogether using the Pill.
I could ramble for hours about how I grew up. I don't think they meant stuff maliciously. I don't know. I just think that as far as they're concerned, I'm their sponge for projecting guilt, I'm the one they could manipulate. And still can.
I work myself into fits of anxiety, panic, wondering - am I a horrible bitch not speaking to them for months at a time? Am I unreasonable for expecting that maybe they could be the ones to call for a change? That maybe if I do call, they just be nice? Ask how I am? Be more interested in ONE thing other than making me feel like rubbish?
So, great. I can't speak to them anymore. About even casual stuff. It's awkward. I live in a web of guilt. I don't know if I'm doing the right things. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm awful, I'm tired of wondering why they act like this towards me. Now I'm just depressed. Now I just want to sit here and cry and probably act like an immature child, still getting upset over these things.
I'm an anxious little creature, I'm just trying to figure out who I am and get some confidence. I'm tired of freaking the hell out over insignificant crap. I freaked out so badly about my car being parked downstairs that I made Mr Kuriboo get out of bed in the middle of the night and park it inside for me. I was a mess. I felt like I could just throw up. I knew it didn't matter, I knew my car was fine, I knew I was being pathetic and weak and stupid. I couldn't stop. I knew I couldn't relax until it was done. And then my mind goes into racing mode again, carefully thinking things over, wondering if there's something I ought to be worrying about that maybe I've overlooked. I just want to relax, be nicer, be calmer. I want to be a better wife for Mr Kuriboo, and I know what holds me back is this anxiety.
I'm just trying to be a better person.