"A Burglary Sketch"
A dimly lit stage, as to indicate nighttime. We find ourselves in a bedroom with a window--things that one could "rumage through" would help to flesh out the scene.
A MAN, wearing a nightgown and sleeping cap, lies sleeping in the bed. A stereotypical BURGLAR, wearing black clothes, a black domino mask, and a black hat and carrying a crowbar and a large empty bag, sneaks up to the outside of the window very melodramatically. He moves in large movements reminisent of Buster Keaton or Bugs Bunny, opening the window and stepping through it. He moves quietly, so as to not wake up the sleeping MAN, but despite his best efforts, the window falls closed--rather loudly--behind him, waking the MAN up. The MAN shoots up in his bed.
MAN
Who's there?
The BURGLAR pulls out a gun.
BURGLAR
Your dentist!
MAN
If you're really my dentist, why did you pull out a gun?
The BURGLAR ponders this for a moment.
BURGLAR
I'm here to fight off late night cavities!
MAN
Oh, all right then. Thanks.
MAN lies back down and goes to sleep. BURGLAR is about to get back to his business when the MAN shoots back up.
MAN
Hey! Wait a minute!
BURGLAR
Yes?
MAN
Is this covered by my dental plan?
BURGLAR
...yes.
MAN
Oh, right. I'll let you get back to it then.
MAN lies back down. BURGLAR begins rumaging again, when MAN pops back up.
MAN
Hey!
BURGLAR
This'd better be important, I was just getting to the floride treatment.
MAN
You're not really my dentist, are you?
BURGLAR
Sure I am, don't make me floss you!
MAN
You don't scare me, I don't believe that gun really has floss in it.
BURGLAR
All right, I think we started off on the wrong foot, I'm going to go out and come back and we'll do this again.
MAN obligingly, though somewhat impatiently, waits as the BURGLAR tries to get out the window.
BURGLAR
It's stuck.
MAN
You've got to unlatch it at the top.
BURGLAR fiddles with it.
BURGLAR
I can't get it.
MAN
Now you have to squeeze the two nubs at the bottom.
BURGLAR
Look, can you just come over here and do this?
MAN, with a great sigh of effort, gets out of his bed and opens the window.
MAN
There.
BURGLAR
Thank you.
The BURGLAR exits through the window and immediatly jumps back in.
BURGLAR
Burglar!
MAN
Ah! You mean you're not any kind of medical profesional?!
BURGLAR
No!
MAN
And I suppose you want all my valuables then?
BURGLAR
No, I'm the kind of burglar who only steals invaluable objects, so as to annoy you and confuse you about whether you lost them or they were in fact stolen.
MAN
But, doesn't me seeing you here just negate that plan altogether? I mean, I can just watch what you're taking.
BURGLAR
Shut up! Turn around! You don't get to see what I'm taking.
The MAN turns around. The BURGLAR finds a Scrabble game and takes out several letters and tosses them into his bag. He takes a DVD out of its case, leaving the case, but tossing the DVD into his bag. Stealing a single sock and leaving its now unmatched partner is his coup de grace.
BURGLAR
All right, that's it! I'm going!
MAN
Why? Why did you do this to me?
BURGLAR
Because the teeth trade isn't as lucrative as it used to be.
MAN
*gasp* You mean--you're the Tooth--
BURGLAR
Go ahead, call a man with a gun "fairy." We'll see how well that turns out.
The BURGLAR exits through the window, but turns back through the widnow.
BURGLAR
Oh, and sir?
MAN
Yes?
BURGLAR
Remember to brush and floss!
A MAN, wearing a nightgown and sleeping cap, lies sleeping in the bed. A stereotypical BURGLAR, wearing black clothes, a black domino mask, and a black hat and carrying a crowbar and a large empty bag, sneaks up to the outside of the window very melodramatically. He moves in large movements reminisent of Buster Keaton or Bugs Bunny, opening the window and stepping through it. He moves quietly, so as to not wake up the sleeping MAN, but despite his best efforts, the window falls closed--rather loudly--behind him, waking the MAN up. The MAN shoots up in his bed.
MAN
Who's there?
The BURGLAR pulls out a gun.
BURGLAR
Your dentist!
MAN
If you're really my dentist, why did you pull out a gun?
The BURGLAR ponders this for a moment.
BURGLAR
I'm here to fight off late night cavities!
MAN
Oh, all right then. Thanks.
MAN lies back down and goes to sleep. BURGLAR is about to get back to his business when the MAN shoots back up.
MAN
Hey! Wait a minute!
BURGLAR
Yes?
MAN
Is this covered by my dental plan?
BURGLAR
...yes.
MAN
Oh, right. I'll let you get back to it then.
MAN lies back down. BURGLAR begins rumaging again, when MAN pops back up.
MAN
Hey!
BURGLAR
This'd better be important, I was just getting to the floride treatment.
MAN
You're not really my dentist, are you?
BURGLAR
Sure I am, don't make me floss you!
MAN
You don't scare me, I don't believe that gun really has floss in it.
BURGLAR
All right, I think we started off on the wrong foot, I'm going to go out and come back and we'll do this again.
MAN obligingly, though somewhat impatiently, waits as the BURGLAR tries to get out the window.
BURGLAR
It's stuck.
MAN
You've got to unlatch it at the top.
BURGLAR fiddles with it.
BURGLAR
I can't get it.
MAN
Now you have to squeeze the two nubs at the bottom.
BURGLAR
Look, can you just come over here and do this?
MAN, with a great sigh of effort, gets out of his bed and opens the window.
MAN
There.
BURGLAR
Thank you.
The BURGLAR exits through the window and immediatly jumps back in.
BURGLAR
Burglar!
MAN
Ah! You mean you're not any kind of medical profesional?!
BURGLAR
No!
MAN
And I suppose you want all my valuables then?
BURGLAR
No, I'm the kind of burglar who only steals invaluable objects, so as to annoy you and confuse you about whether you lost them or they were in fact stolen.
MAN
But, doesn't me seeing you here just negate that plan altogether? I mean, I can just watch what you're taking.
BURGLAR
Shut up! Turn around! You don't get to see what I'm taking.
The MAN turns around. The BURGLAR finds a Scrabble game and takes out several letters and tosses them into his bag. He takes a DVD out of its case, leaving the case, but tossing the DVD into his bag. Stealing a single sock and leaving its now unmatched partner is his coup de grace.
BURGLAR
All right, that's it! I'm going!
MAN
Why? Why did you do this to me?
BURGLAR
Because the teeth trade isn't as lucrative as it used to be.
MAN
*gasp* You mean--you're the Tooth--
BURGLAR
Go ahead, call a man with a gun "fairy." We'll see how well that turns out.
The BURGLAR exits through the window, but turns back through the widnow.
BURGLAR
Oh, and sir?
MAN
Yes?
BURGLAR
Remember to brush and floss!