Break Down The Walls Of Jericho
I am so stressed out right now.
For the past two and a half weeks I have been staying up almost 24 hours a day to make sure my mother doesn't aspirate on vomit or blood like she did last time, and come close to death. Visits to the doctor, scheduled tests, et cetera, are all taking way too long for a woman who has 10 coughing fits a night, who can barely breathe after these and who can't sleep herself because they happen whenever she tries to sleep.
So she's been dragging her ass about going into the hospital (my mother has some irrational fear of being admitted to the hospital - even though that would end her suffering, for some reason, it means "giving in"...I don't know, I don't get it), this afternoon she finally fell asleep, and just as I call downstairs to tell them she's asleep and to be quiet, the coughing fit starts. Vomiting, coughing, more vomiting, coughing, can't breathe, yelling at me, more and more coughing. So I've had it, and I'm forcing her to go to the hospital tonight.
I have to leave for Florida in like, two weeks. I'm not leaving her here like this, especially because there's no one here I can trust to stay in the apartment with her and watch over her. Last time, it was by pure luck that I woke up when I did and heard her aspirating, because when the EMTs from 911 showed up, she had bled out so much she didn't even have a pulse or a ratable blood pressure. If I hadn't woken up, or slept for 10 more minutes, she would've died.
So you can imagine my stress.
So we're going to the hospital soon, god knows how long that'll take. I'm going to force them to admit her so that all the tests can be done NOW, not one this month, another next month, meanwhile she's dead. And I'm making them admit her because I am completely burnt out. I'm so stressed out I'm...not going to bitch about it in my Livejournal.
Lord knows the last thing the world of Eljay needs is yet ANOTHER journal entry that has bitching, and I think I've already exceeded the bitching quotient by 120 percent. I'm not going to bitch any further about my own problems.
I swear, right now I'm just so fed up with everything. It doesn't feel like ANYTHING is going right, even though everthing appears to be, but shit, I'm the best off I've been and I'm absolutely miserable.
I want to lie with someone I love and watch Dawn of the Dead, or You've Got Mail, cuddle up with them and love them and have them love me. And then I want to fall asleep like that, not alone, loved, needed, wanted.
But for now, while my mom showers, I'm going to go play Digital Devil Saga 1 (shout out to my nigga COOOOOLURE), buy new mantras, devour monsters for karma, and reflect on the fact that it's times like this that I feel most alone.
Wish us luck with the whole hospital thing - hopefully mom doesn't have yet another thing I have to worry about.
I love you all. Good day.
For the past two and a half weeks I have been staying up almost 24 hours a day to make sure my mother doesn't aspirate on vomit or blood like she did last time, and come close to death. Visits to the doctor, scheduled tests, et cetera, are all taking way too long for a woman who has 10 coughing fits a night, who can barely breathe after these and who can't sleep herself because they happen whenever she tries to sleep.
So she's been dragging her ass about going into the hospital (my mother has some irrational fear of being admitted to the hospital - even though that would end her suffering, for some reason, it means "giving in"...I don't know, I don't get it), this afternoon she finally fell asleep, and just as I call downstairs to tell them she's asleep and to be quiet, the coughing fit starts. Vomiting, coughing, more vomiting, coughing, can't breathe, yelling at me, more and more coughing. So I've had it, and I'm forcing her to go to the hospital tonight.
I have to leave for Florida in like, two weeks. I'm not leaving her here like this, especially because there's no one here I can trust to stay in the apartment with her and watch over her. Last time, it was by pure luck that I woke up when I did and heard her aspirating, because when the EMTs from 911 showed up, she had bled out so much she didn't even have a pulse or a ratable blood pressure. If I hadn't woken up, or slept for 10 more minutes, she would've died.
So you can imagine my stress.
So we're going to the hospital soon, god knows how long that'll take. I'm going to force them to admit her so that all the tests can be done NOW, not one this month, another next month, meanwhile she's dead. And I'm making them admit her because I am completely burnt out. I'm so stressed out I'm...not going to bitch about it in my Livejournal.
Lord knows the last thing the world of Eljay needs is yet ANOTHER journal entry that has bitching, and I think I've already exceeded the bitching quotient by 120 percent. I'm not going to bitch any further about my own problems.
I swear, right now I'm just so fed up with everything. It doesn't feel like ANYTHING is going right, even though everthing appears to be, but shit, I'm the best off I've been and I'm absolutely miserable.
I want to lie with someone I love and watch Dawn of the Dead, or You've Got Mail, cuddle up with them and love them and have them love me. And then I want to fall asleep like that, not alone, loved, needed, wanted.
But for now, while my mom showers, I'm going to go play Digital Devil Saga 1 (shout out to my nigga COOOOOLURE), buy new mantras, devour monsters for karma, and reflect on the fact that it's times like this that I feel most alone.
Wish us luck with the whole hospital thing - hopefully mom doesn't have yet another thing I have to worry about.
I love you all. Good day.