Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Can't really cope, and don't have anyone on this end to talk to right now, nor do I have an appointment with my therapist for a while yet. He wrote, as I mentioned. But I had to transcribe the letter (b/c I couldn't read it) and the guilt in there really cut. He's going for the throat.
Those of you who know about this (who should be the only ones who can read this) will understand the parts I'm posting...
Were you closed in some hospital for your nerves, this protracted silence would be easier, but we are told you hold a job, and even attend school, which makes it far harder to bear. Have we been each and every one such wretchedly poor friends to you that you would think us deserving neither hope of renewed association nor courtesy of a proper farewell? Do you even think of us?
...
Zack and John remain more than true to you, both in deed and love, and though we all feel your cut against us, we ache to see their pure optomism. For you have belied your own words and been nothing but selfish. Who but you has had any say in this? Whose but your feelings have been considered and respected?
You called us sons and daughters, friends and lovers, and now, after 6 months of the most tolerant treatment, you do not even deign to call us worth speaking to. How do you justify this, after saying that even if it was nothing but insanity, you would still love? What great harm would come to you by speaking to us? What terrible calamity would rend the heavens if you allowed a phone call or answered a letter you yourself stipulated to still be allowable.
...
We will not be accused of anonymnity, so I send it on my own paper, and if it is really wrong to send this to you, then by God's will it won't go through. I sign for myself, as does each who agreed of and knew of the writing. I would say you may then know whom to cut off in anger if our words displease you, but how would we ever know?
Owwww. This fucking hurts. As for the last paragraph...argh...he's (actualy, SHE's saying, because this letter was written by one of the female "personalities," for lack of a better term) is that this letter was written in "their" dimension/timeline, and "by God's will" it has passed "across the time barrier" and been sent. Ergo, God himself is supposedly pissed off at me and wants "their" message to get through.
I fucking hate this. I really, really fucking hate this. What's worse is I can't do much right now. Am working with his parents, who have asked for a copy of this letter to take to the psychiatrist. Obliged--but that doesn't ease the sting.
Thing is, my honor and my word are sacred to me--which he (she? They?!) fucking know. And this is aimed as directly at my honor and word as possible. This is aimed to really hurt me as much as possible--and of course, to make me come back.
Ow. No, not a chance, but still. OOOOWWWWW.
Fuck. Hurts.