(no subject)
sundays suck haha
i dont even really want to talk about yesteday. i just bascially just got a phone call at erics that i couldnt really handle at the time and i felt so sick. i was couging still and my ribs were killing me. i took the stupid brace thingy or whatever off, stupid choice. i ended up just going downstairs and i really wanted to lay down cuz i couldnt reach my parents to take me home, but i felt really werid like asking. eric, your mom is like the biggest doll ever. i love his mom so much. she like let me lay down in this other room and kept asking if i needed anything. my mom would never do that. shes so awesome and eric totally deserves her. and thanks to eric and kelly too.
so the phone call was about kelly. no not kelly mcphee. a different one. i dont want to say the backround about her but basically i have known her for a while. basically she is getting thrown out of her house. and she doesnt have a place to go. i konw her and i have an extra bed in my room. so i figured i could take her in. but my mom says no. even though she knows her too and knows what a good worker she is. she would drive me everywhere and help take care of the house and give as much rent as she could. she has two babys and one is with her mom who she hates and the other has been adopted. i just want to help her and i hate the fact that she has no place to go and i cant help her. i really dont know what to do or what to say to her.
then yesterday i was just feeling so shitty and everything hurt and i never really talk at erics house when its not just me and him or a few other people. im so horrible in big groups and i will never be perfectly comfortable with that. im fine at school like in the academy. but im not ok out of that. blah
my brother came over tonight. he is doing better but not at his best. because of all of his hospital bills he is totally broke and now getting kicked out of his apartment because he cant pay rent. i felt so bad like that i cant help him. so during dinner i put 40 dollars in his wallet. i know it really doesnt help much but hopefully it will. i dont have that much money for christmas though. so im probably going to be making things again like last year. sorry guys
today sucked. i woke up, it took me 20 minutes to motivate myself to get out of bed. i just didnt think i really had a reason too. i finally got up and ended up just getting bitched at the entire time. so i fought back and it just made it so much worse. i ended up just going up to my bed and i cryed myself to sleep and i woke up at about 430 and then kelly called me. thanks
i just feel like really bad right now. i hate how people ask me whats wrong and i always tell them nothing when all i really want to do is just let everything out. i dont have anyone anymore that i can do that with. everyone has their other. that one person that is just totally the one that they run to when something goes wrong but i have lost them. maybe its just my fault and it probably is but i just really dont know. i just need something that isnt there i guess.
im so different than i was last year. i feel like i have done so much growing up in so short of time. last year i was alone. i had no friends. i was going from one group to another and for the longest time i had no one wtih me and it was just horrible. this year i have good friends and im just like pushing them away. i dont understand myself. i just dont want to bother people with my problems cuz they shouldnt have to think or worry about me. they all have their other to worry about. i really hate myself right now
im usually always looking forward to mondays cuz for some odd reason i loved them so much. i am dreading tommorow. i dont want to go at all. i just want to stay home and lay in my bed and stare at my celing. this is going to be my day tommorow, go to school pretend like everythings just peachy and smile and laugh and fail spanish. right now i really just want someone to talk to but obviously it is getting nowhere and people are just really wrapped up in their stuff that its just to hard too. god im so fucking selfish i hate myself.
i really dont even know what to say anymore. i want to say so much but just dont know how to get it out and how to say it without totally losing it if i havent alrady.
hit me. knock me out and let me go back to sleep.
i was toally looking forward to last night but because im such a dumbass i ruined it for myself. i guess you really never can have "the best weekend ever" it always fails. and im done plannig stuff with lee. every time he says he can do something and for me to call him he always forgets or someone else is over.
buh bye
kait
i dont even really want to talk about yesteday. i just bascially just got a phone call at erics that i couldnt really handle at the time and i felt so sick. i was couging still and my ribs were killing me. i took the stupid brace thingy or whatever off, stupid choice. i ended up just going downstairs and i really wanted to lay down cuz i couldnt reach my parents to take me home, but i felt really werid like asking. eric, your mom is like the biggest doll ever. i love his mom so much. she like let me lay down in this other room and kept asking if i needed anything. my mom would never do that. shes so awesome and eric totally deserves her. and thanks to eric and kelly too.
so the phone call was about kelly. no not kelly mcphee. a different one. i dont want to say the backround about her but basically i have known her for a while. basically she is getting thrown out of her house. and she doesnt have a place to go. i konw her and i have an extra bed in my room. so i figured i could take her in. but my mom says no. even though she knows her too and knows what a good worker she is. she would drive me everywhere and help take care of the house and give as much rent as she could. she has two babys and one is with her mom who she hates and the other has been adopted. i just want to help her and i hate the fact that she has no place to go and i cant help her. i really dont know what to do or what to say to her.
then yesterday i was just feeling so shitty and everything hurt and i never really talk at erics house when its not just me and him or a few other people. im so horrible in big groups and i will never be perfectly comfortable with that. im fine at school like in the academy. but im not ok out of that. blah
my brother came over tonight. he is doing better but not at his best. because of all of his hospital bills he is totally broke and now getting kicked out of his apartment because he cant pay rent. i felt so bad like that i cant help him. so during dinner i put 40 dollars in his wallet. i know it really doesnt help much but hopefully it will. i dont have that much money for christmas though. so im probably going to be making things again like last year. sorry guys
today sucked. i woke up, it took me 20 minutes to motivate myself to get out of bed. i just didnt think i really had a reason too. i finally got up and ended up just getting bitched at the entire time. so i fought back and it just made it so much worse. i ended up just going up to my bed and i cryed myself to sleep and i woke up at about 430 and then kelly called me. thanks
i just feel like really bad right now. i hate how people ask me whats wrong and i always tell them nothing when all i really want to do is just let everything out. i dont have anyone anymore that i can do that with. everyone has their other. that one person that is just totally the one that they run to when something goes wrong but i have lost them. maybe its just my fault and it probably is but i just really dont know. i just need something that isnt there i guess.
im so different than i was last year. i feel like i have done so much growing up in so short of time. last year i was alone. i had no friends. i was going from one group to another and for the longest time i had no one wtih me and it was just horrible. this year i have good friends and im just like pushing them away. i dont understand myself. i just dont want to bother people with my problems cuz they shouldnt have to think or worry about me. they all have their other to worry about. i really hate myself right now
im usually always looking forward to mondays cuz for some odd reason i loved them so much. i am dreading tommorow. i dont want to go at all. i just want to stay home and lay in my bed and stare at my celing. this is going to be my day tommorow, go to school pretend like everythings just peachy and smile and laugh and fail spanish. right now i really just want someone to talk to but obviously it is getting nowhere and people are just really wrapped up in their stuff that its just to hard too. god im so fucking selfish i hate myself.
i really dont even know what to say anymore. i want to say so much but just dont know how to get it out and how to say it without totally losing it if i havent alrady.
hit me. knock me out and let me go back to sleep.
i was toally looking forward to last night but because im such a dumbass i ruined it for myself. i guess you really never can have "the best weekend ever" it always fails. and im done plannig stuff with lee. every time he says he can do something and for me to call him he always forgets or someone else is over.
buh bye
kait