Jun 30, 2007 00:49
I fell of the posting vagon just before the double-event of funeral/baptism. And only now I feel like I can give some kind of account of all the things going on since then.
So THE Saturday of doom.
Actually, stuff began happening even before that.
Friday, 15th, my mother was supposed to have her birthday. Of course, since the next day was fully planned, she refused to have any kind of party. However, our family doctor stopped by, we drank coffee and my mother moaned about her health. I told about rainsbows and God having gay sex and at least that got a good laugh out of the female doctor -she is a lovely person, really. Loves cats, too.
On Saturday we did the split-up as predicted - me to the baptism, others at ceremonial service - and my granny came later to the baptism, too. One of my classmates was there, too. He is a brain surgeon now - LITERALLY - and when he asked what I did (we had not seen each other for years) and I honestly answered, I felt the shift in the air. Nothing changed in his face or stance but I was immediately downgraded to a second-rate acquintance. Lovely. Or perhaps I am completely paranoid.
Then during the ceremony, my great aunt stage-whispered to me that ACTUALLY the girl's mother wanted me as a godmother but since I was not baptised myself, I could not be. Lovely, again.
A friend suggested that I should have whispered back that I could teach the kid to hex annoying people and goat sacrifice instead.
So we went to the house of the celebrated kid. There were more kids around, 5 in total. 2 of those were impossible. They ran, crawled, yelled and played over everybody and everything and their mother felt no need to restrain them. *sigh*
I felt as an outsider - I did not belong to the circle of successful people or the mothers' coven or to the society of Christians. Finally I took a seat on the stairs leading upstairs (there were so many people that there were no other places) and sat there, nursing my coffee and eating my cake and keeping eye on my granny (if she needed any help with anything). When we got home, we almost literally crawled into our beds and conked off. Sunday was spent recuperating.
The following week was the last week before my annual vacation. Suddenly, there were loads of things to do before that, workwise. I spent all the days calling up/e-mailing all the people who had books overdue. I have no idea, how much of that was an empty effort.
So, the vacation begins. With the traditional Estonian summer feast called St John day (at the 24th). On the Eve of it people usually make bonfire and relax around it, spending time calmly. Did we? Of course not.
This is how our family celebrates the almost-summer solistice:
The first half of the 23rd, the eve of the St John's day was not very good, however: my
granny really wants to keep up with the cemetery days (four times a year and usually inconvientely set around equinoxes) and thus she wanted to visit the grave of my grandpa.
She is old and walks very slowly. We have a car but no valid driving licence in our family so we had to use public transport for both getting to the market - to got the potted flowers
for the grave site - and for going to the cemetery. My mother was hours behind us two, as usual. She appeared to the cemetery with two heavy bags of goodies that we were supposed to bring along to the friend's place for the St JOhn's celebration. Because she gets tension migraines, I got saddled with one of those bags.
THEN my granny wants to go to another gravesite, one that belongs to her friend's deceased husband (who is also the father of our family doctor, btw). We walk slowly-slowly there. Imagine snail crawling over sandpaper and you get the speed.
Anyway, the gravesite was pretty much unattended. And my granny fell apart, crying and all. This was not even OUR gravesite!
Finally we got out of the cemetery and my mother and I hightailed to home because it was pretty late already. Then, of course, there were the deal with my father toes, or lack of them... They still need bandaged and they stink... *shrugs*
After THAT we could focus on celebration. (where we arrived carrying heavy metal frames that my mother had promised for this friend last autumn!)
For some reason there is ALWAYS rain on this eve and this time was no exception so instead of making a bonfire outside, we sat in and barbecued chicken under the cover that is set up over the front door. And had something called Hemp Rasta-Pasta as a side dish.
It was still a good evening/night/next morning.
However, we were all so tired after that I had real trouble of sorting out our garbage - which, OF COURSE - had to be collected during the SAME weekend (the next garbage collection co-incides with my dad's birthday...).
The Monday 25th and the following days have been filled with doing laundry at Ingrid's place because she phoned me and told that her parents will arrive here at the 12th of next month and I prefer that I can leave carrying off my belonging in ONE backpack, thank you very much. Having lived here more than 2,5 months, some things have accumulated I would return before that date.
Then, on the last Thursday my mother wakes me up with a news that she has got the e-mail for a woman who works right now as a lawyer in Luxembourg. You see, my mother and surprisingly, my granny too, have taken in their heads that I HAVE to go abroad to work and make some money because our family. Yes, it is logical decision, since I am a single no strings attached person but somehow I feel weird when I think about that. I feel so unsure and there is this insecure flutter in the pit of my stomach.
I hear from Ingrid (rarely, when she has the moment to ask me assistance in translating!) that she always extremely busy. I can bear busy but not for a long period of time. Not for months.
I alsi hear that the Estonian community living there is a close-knot one. I feel awkward about that as well - look above in the section of baptism after-party for reasons - because most of the workers there are family people.
But my mother keeps insisting that I should go. Part of me wants to crumble and give in as usual, bigger part of me wants to scream back at her: "I don't wanna!!" She spent 36 minutes on the phone trying to convince me. In the end I felt like crying and after hanging up I did. I have not cried for months. Perhaps it was good.
The same night I call the friend with earmuffs and she keeps asking WHY I haven't gone to visit her or any other my friends during the last year without a reason like birthday. I do not know, honestly. I have felt tired and apathetic about friend- or any relationships. When I am at work, I communicate with people all the time. When I get off, I feel not up to doing it more. Perhaps it is the drugs I am taking or... I don't know. I miss human contact only right before my period starts when I get horny. Otherwise even that drive is somnolent.
I am still feeling upset but in that apathetic way.
apathy,
family problems,
friends,
working abroad,
funeral