The days...
It's getting close to that day... the anniversary of that horrible day. Less than a month. I usually make an event for it on Facebook. Luke's Birthday in "heaven"... If there is a heaven, he's there. Not sure if I will this year. People are so judgmental.
Saying life gets easier after such a loss seems like a betrayal. Most people in grief support groups say it never gets easier, you just learn to manage with day to day life. The truth is it's hard to describe. Sure, it's not like the days and months, the year or two after Luke died. But there's always that hole inside me. And around this time of year, it's like an alarm that wakes up the pain. I'm just going through life and all of a sudden, seeing a pregnant woman or a baby, especially a newborn makes my stomach flip with sharp pains. Really, just going through the days is harder, like moving through life with lead for bones.
And I see people post "Everything happens the way it should (or for a reason)," or "universal timing is perfect," and I wish there was a way to virtually punch someone. And it's even worse when they start talking about God and his blessings. Fuck his blessings. But maybe they're thinking the blessing was on Luke. Not to have to live life with a mother like me.
Today's been awful. I'm too embarrassed to go into why, because just posting it would make some people judge me harshly when I don't deserve it. People are lying assholes--basically sums it up. But I still feel like a piece of shit. I can't write anymore. :'(
Saying life gets easier after such a loss seems like a betrayal. Most people in grief support groups say it never gets easier, you just learn to manage with day to day life. The truth is it's hard to describe. Sure, it's not like the days and months, the year or two after Luke died. But there's always that hole inside me. And around this time of year, it's like an alarm that wakes up the pain. I'm just going through life and all of a sudden, seeing a pregnant woman or a baby, especially a newborn makes my stomach flip with sharp pains. Really, just going through the days is harder, like moving through life with lead for bones.
And I see people post "Everything happens the way it should (or for a reason)," or "universal timing is perfect," and I wish there was a way to virtually punch someone. And it's even worse when they start talking about God and his blessings. Fuck his blessings. But maybe they're thinking the blessing was on Luke. Not to have to live life with a mother like me.
Today's been awful. I'm too embarrassed to go into why, because just posting it would make some people judge me harshly when I don't deserve it. People are lying assholes--basically sums it up. But I still feel like a piece of shit. I can't write anymore. :'(