Guilt and lack of motivation.
I didn't go to see the new marker at Luke's resting place today (technically yesterday, but I haven't slept yet). Again I couldn't get out of bed until it was too late to go. I hope Luke understands. Guilt.
My parents are going to the 1st St. house today. I told my mom that I'd go with her if she wanted, but she told me not to go, since she knows it upsets me. Seeing the nursery. I'm going to have to deal with it soon. The thought of packing up all those little clothes and toys and baby items just breaks my heart. But it's a heartbreak I'll just have to experience.
Just like seeing babies that are about a year old. They seem to be everywhere. I have to deal with it. It used to be that just pregnant women upset me, but now it's babies, too. So many of my Facebook friends have recently had babies. I can't hide them all. I care for them. I want to be happy for them, with them. But now it makes me wonder what Luke would have done at that age or the age he's supposed to be.
I wonder how many people have hid me on FB because they can't take anymore sad postings. Luckily, there are still wonderful people who give support on there. Plus the groups for angel parents. As the anniversary of Luke's birth/passing gets closer, I find myself talking more in those groups online. I need to go back to the support group I attended soon after Luke passed. If I do, I'll have to go alone, which I have never done. My mom always went with me before. But now my nephew has softball games that my mom and dad both love to see, and I don't want to take that away from them. Maybe going alone would be good for me.
There's also the option of going back to Hospus. I went to a grief counselor there once and it was good for me. I'm not sure why I never went again. Pretty sure they'd take me back on a pay what I can plan. Just have to dial those numbers... that's the hard part. Making myself do it.
I need to feel better. I wish I was in Atlanta or Cherokee or California. Around people who make me laugh.
I need SOMETHING. A spark.
My parents are going to the 1st St. house today. I told my mom that I'd go with her if she wanted, but she told me not to go, since she knows it upsets me. Seeing the nursery. I'm going to have to deal with it soon. The thought of packing up all those little clothes and toys and baby items just breaks my heart. But it's a heartbreak I'll just have to experience.
Just like seeing babies that are about a year old. They seem to be everywhere. I have to deal with it. It used to be that just pregnant women upset me, but now it's babies, too. So many of my Facebook friends have recently had babies. I can't hide them all. I care for them. I want to be happy for them, with them. But now it makes me wonder what Luke would have done at that age or the age he's supposed to be.
I wonder how many people have hid me on FB because they can't take anymore sad postings. Luckily, there are still wonderful people who give support on there. Plus the groups for angel parents. As the anniversary of Luke's birth/passing gets closer, I find myself talking more in those groups online. I need to go back to the support group I attended soon after Luke passed. If I do, I'll have to go alone, which I have never done. My mom always went with me before. But now my nephew has softball games that my mom and dad both love to see, and I don't want to take that away from them. Maybe going alone would be good for me.
There's also the option of going back to Hospus. I went to a grief counselor there once and it was good for me. I'm not sure why I never went again. Pretty sure they'd take me back on a pay what I can plan. Just have to dial those numbers... that's the hard part. Making myself do it.
I need to feel better. I wish I was in Atlanta or Cherokee or California. Around people who make me laugh.
I need SOMETHING. A spark.