Isolation
Do you have any idea what it’s like to be me? To not be wanted by just about everyone you meet? To be avoided? To be feared, for no reason that you can discern? I think part of the separation comes from the fact that people’s bodies and their words never particularly matched up to me. Their voices sounded sincere, but their bodies betrayed them. I knew they were lying.
Even here I feel like I’m not wanted. There is one who fears me, one wishes to keep her distance if she can, and another that would prefer to have the pay she currently has, but my current workload…
I found out someone is going to be leaving next month yesterday. I think I could do her job, and when I brought it up to the manager, I saw it. It was brief, and only for a moment, but I saw it. Her eyes darted to the side as if looking for an escape, and I saw the frown. She likes having me answer the phones, and being away from the rest of the department so they can do “the real work,” but she doesn’t want me working any closer than that.
I could sense it in Michelle too shortly after she hired me she felt that she made a mistake, but had no reason to fire me. She just didn’t want me around. Neither do the rest of them.
Even Sheila avoided me for years and tried to keep me at arm’s length.
What about me is so repugnant that people instinctively either avoid, or harass me?
This job barely pays my bills, and won’t cover the rest of them. I need a change of venue and a change of pace. If I start my own company will it fail because people try to avoid me, or could I actually make it flourish? If I got the job here that’s opening it would be a pay increase, but they apparently don’t want me working with the public. At least not face to face and for more than a few minutes. What happens when I finally do find another job, can I just walk away and never look back? I’ve done it before…