DJ errr-werp!
Proper etiquette at social gatherings, a tricky business at the best of times. Say theres an entire tray of gooey delicious cookies sitting on the counter. One by one they disappear, until you glance over and there is but a lone surviving cookie sitting amongst its comrades crumbs. There will appear to be some kind of magical force field surrounding the cookie; nobody seems willing to grab it.
Your first instinct is to get the hell over there as fast as you can and grab that cookie, cramming it into your mouth. This is a bad idea. The moment you break the invisible last cookie force field and grab that cookie, the room will fall into deathly silence, punctuated by one of those DJ errr-werp! record scratch sounds as the music cuts out. Everyones eyes will lock mechanically onto the cookie as you slowly raise it to your mouth. In their minds you will morph from your natural, borderline-anorexic weight to a thee-hundred pound cookie grubbing fatty. You may at this point try to back down by taking a cautious nibble out of the cookie, then putting it back on the plate, explaining that you were only ensuring the cookie wasnt poisoned for the real fatty thats going to actually eat it. This sounds good on paper but in reality, if you exercise a little foresight you can avoid social embarrassment and get to actually eat the cookie. In other words, you can have your cake and eat it too.
Our objective is to get that cookie into your mouth, without suffering any undue consequences. Our best approach may take on a variety of forms depending on several factors. For example, if you are younger than five, your best approach vector may be to start bawling and stamping your little feet, screaming I wantha cook-e! I wantha cook-e! This one works great if you were born in modern America. If you were born in any other time period or any other country, youre probably going to end up with an extremely sore ass and no cookie. If youre older than five, or an unusually sophisticated five year old, for that matter, you may not want to take this route as it will damage your chances of hooking up with anyone at the gathering.
Now that those annoying little shits are out of the way and eating their cookies, Ill address the adults in the audience. Were back to our party situation. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best, as Im about to demonstrate. If nobody sees you take the cookie, they cant possibly think less of you for taking it, am I right? Now, unless anyone at the party has a lazy eye, if theyre looking at one thing (like a dick or vagina), theyre not simultaneously looking at something else (like a cookie). Do you see where Im going with this?
Take off all your clothes, and then jump up on the counter where the cookies are located. Do a little dance. Nothing too elaborate, but the more pelvic-thrusting you can work in there, the better. For extra credit, you can complete your little ensemble by urinating freely onto your audience, which will serve to further distract them. When you jump down, covertly grab the cookie. Score.
Now, I realize that in my audience there may be a few backward souls, hopelessly twisted by their orthodox religious upbringings, which may take exception to publicly displaying their genitals and urinating on people. True, these people are less human beings and more monsters, but who am I to say that monsters do not also deserve a cookie?
If we cant distract our fellow partygoers with genitalia, we must resort to more primitive means. If youre going to be a tremendous prude, youd better at least make up for it by carrying a few smoke-generating incendiary devices in your hip pocket. If not, youre completely hopeless, get out of my sight. You dont deserve a cookie. You dont deserve to live.
For those of you still here and not busily hanging yourselves, (I was just kidding about that part, someone please let them know?) Let me paint a picture for you: Everyone is standing around at the party, sipping their dry martinis, generally having a good time and pretending like theyre thinking about cool things like sex and not about how to covertly attain that last gooey delicious cookie. Suddenly, with a pop and a flash, the room is obscured by a cloud of billowing gray smoke. Half the partygoers collapse to the floor, clutching at their throats, while the other half gag and projectile vomit all over the first half. Several minutes later the fire department has arrived via axe through the front door, the firemen and aide workers are in the process of alternatively loading people onto stretchers, and arresting underage drinkers. In the midst of the confusion, someone shouts, My god! The last cookie its gone! Everyone turns and gasps, shocked. A fireman collapses to the floor and someone helpfully offers him a beer.
In any such situation the inherent risk you run is that there will be a private eye covertly attending the party. This jerk starts walking slowly around the room while everyone stands frozen amidst the scene of carnage and vomit. Youre standing towards the back, quaking. The private eye starts asking serendipitous questions of seemingly random partygoers. As he does this, beads of sweat start to trickle down your forehead, stinging your eyes. Then suddenly, in a moment of truth, he twirls around, his yellow trench coat swirling dramatically after him; and his cold steel blue eyes lock onto yours.
Ok I did it! You scream, eyes darting, panicked by the accusing stares of the fallen. I took the last gooey delicious cookie! The self-styled hottest girl at the party approaches you, made slightly less attractive by the vomit stains splattered down her silk dress. What the fuck is wrong with you? Look around! Your eyes guiltily slide from hers to the smoldering wreckage of the party. You did this for a stupid fucking cookie, you fucking weirdo fatass! Everyone at the party, the firemen, and the aide workers start chanting Fat-ty! Fat-ty! Fat-ty! Fat-ty!
You bring your head up. You meet her accusing stare with your powerful gaze and she quails, shrinking back. The room falls into a hushed silence. You step up onto a nearby coffee-table, your ninja-cape fluttering dramatically behind you. Every set of eyes in the room is looking at you. Why, you say, with a flourish of authority, Didnt YOU take the cookie? You pause dramatically to let the gravity of your question sink in, your eyes shooting daggers into the bitchs cold heart. I know you wanted it. I know every stinking bastard one of you wanted it. You gesture sweepingly around the room as guilty eyes drop to the floor. Im the only one with the testicular or ovular, depending on my sex, fortitude to do anything about it! If youre doing this right, the audience will look slightly abashed at this point. Youre all a bunch of pansies. Im out of here. Enjoy your fucking pansie-ass party, you pansies. Then with a dismissive flick of your cape, and a defiant straightening of your ninja mask, you leap from the table and march out the back door.
You may think this equates to a loss on the social side, but just keep walking, and after a few moments the cute boy or girl thats been eyeballing you all nightwill come dashing out after you, driven mad by lust for your devil may care attitude and undeniable grasp of whats cool, locking passionate lips with you and wrestling you to the ground. Youll stumble off to the nearest clump of bushes and have ferocious animal sex for hours.
Your first instinct is to get the hell over there as fast as you can and grab that cookie, cramming it into your mouth. This is a bad idea. The moment you break the invisible last cookie force field and grab that cookie, the room will fall into deathly silence, punctuated by one of those DJ errr-werp! record scratch sounds as the music cuts out. Everyones eyes will lock mechanically onto the cookie as you slowly raise it to your mouth. In their minds you will morph from your natural, borderline-anorexic weight to a thee-hundred pound cookie grubbing fatty. You may at this point try to back down by taking a cautious nibble out of the cookie, then putting it back on the plate, explaining that you were only ensuring the cookie wasnt poisoned for the real fatty thats going to actually eat it. This sounds good on paper but in reality, if you exercise a little foresight you can avoid social embarrassment and get to actually eat the cookie. In other words, you can have your cake and eat it too.
Our objective is to get that cookie into your mouth, without suffering any undue consequences. Our best approach may take on a variety of forms depending on several factors. For example, if you are younger than five, your best approach vector may be to start bawling and stamping your little feet, screaming I wantha cook-e! I wantha cook-e! This one works great if you were born in modern America. If you were born in any other time period or any other country, youre probably going to end up with an extremely sore ass and no cookie. If youre older than five, or an unusually sophisticated five year old, for that matter, you may not want to take this route as it will damage your chances of hooking up with anyone at the gathering.
Now that those annoying little shits are out of the way and eating their cookies, Ill address the adults in the audience. Were back to our party situation. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best, as Im about to demonstrate. If nobody sees you take the cookie, they cant possibly think less of you for taking it, am I right? Now, unless anyone at the party has a lazy eye, if theyre looking at one thing (like a dick or vagina), theyre not simultaneously looking at something else (like a cookie). Do you see where Im going with this?
Take off all your clothes, and then jump up on the counter where the cookies are located. Do a little dance. Nothing too elaborate, but the more pelvic-thrusting you can work in there, the better. For extra credit, you can complete your little ensemble by urinating freely onto your audience, which will serve to further distract them. When you jump down, covertly grab the cookie. Score.
Now, I realize that in my audience there may be a few backward souls, hopelessly twisted by their orthodox religious upbringings, which may take exception to publicly displaying their genitals and urinating on people. True, these people are less human beings and more monsters, but who am I to say that monsters do not also deserve a cookie?
If we cant distract our fellow partygoers with genitalia, we must resort to more primitive means. If youre going to be a tremendous prude, youd better at least make up for it by carrying a few smoke-generating incendiary devices in your hip pocket. If not, youre completely hopeless, get out of my sight. You dont deserve a cookie. You dont deserve to live.
For those of you still here and not busily hanging yourselves, (I was just kidding about that part, someone please let them know?) Let me paint a picture for you: Everyone is standing around at the party, sipping their dry martinis, generally having a good time and pretending like theyre thinking about cool things like sex and not about how to covertly attain that last gooey delicious cookie. Suddenly, with a pop and a flash, the room is obscured by a cloud of billowing gray smoke. Half the partygoers collapse to the floor, clutching at their throats, while the other half gag and projectile vomit all over the first half. Several minutes later the fire department has arrived via axe through the front door, the firemen and aide workers are in the process of alternatively loading people onto stretchers, and arresting underage drinkers. In the midst of the confusion, someone shouts, My god! The last cookie its gone! Everyone turns and gasps, shocked. A fireman collapses to the floor and someone helpfully offers him a beer.
In any such situation the inherent risk you run is that there will be a private eye covertly attending the party. This jerk starts walking slowly around the room while everyone stands frozen amidst the scene of carnage and vomit. Youre standing towards the back, quaking. The private eye starts asking serendipitous questions of seemingly random partygoers. As he does this, beads of sweat start to trickle down your forehead, stinging your eyes. Then suddenly, in a moment of truth, he twirls around, his yellow trench coat swirling dramatically after him; and his cold steel blue eyes lock onto yours.
Ok I did it! You scream, eyes darting, panicked by the accusing stares of the fallen. I took the last gooey delicious cookie! The self-styled hottest girl at the party approaches you, made slightly less attractive by the vomit stains splattered down her silk dress. What the fuck is wrong with you? Look around! Your eyes guiltily slide from hers to the smoldering wreckage of the party. You did this for a stupid fucking cookie, you fucking weirdo fatass! Everyone at the party, the firemen, and the aide workers start chanting Fat-ty! Fat-ty! Fat-ty! Fat-ty!
You bring your head up. You meet her accusing stare with your powerful gaze and she quails, shrinking back. The room falls into a hushed silence. You step up onto a nearby coffee-table, your ninja-cape fluttering dramatically behind you. Every set of eyes in the room is looking at you. Why, you say, with a flourish of authority, Didnt YOU take the cookie? You pause dramatically to let the gravity of your question sink in, your eyes shooting daggers into the bitchs cold heart. I know you wanted it. I know every stinking bastard one of you wanted it. You gesture sweepingly around the room as guilty eyes drop to the floor. Im the only one with the testicular or ovular, depending on my sex, fortitude to do anything about it! If youre doing this right, the audience will look slightly abashed at this point. Youre all a bunch of pansies. Im out of here. Enjoy your fucking pansie-ass party, you pansies. Then with a dismissive flick of your cape, and a defiant straightening of your ninja mask, you leap from the table and march out the back door.
You may think this equates to a loss on the social side, but just keep walking, and after a few moments the cute boy or girl thats been eyeballing you all nightwill come dashing out after you, driven mad by lust for your devil may care attitude and undeniable grasp of whats cool, locking passionate lips with you and wrestling you to the ground. Youll stumble off to the nearest clump of bushes and have ferocious animal sex for hours.