"ALTERNATE CANDIDATE..."
Well im just not quite good enough...the phrase in the subject line sums up my letter of what could just be false hope from governors school today...this should have been a sure thing but due to my lack of preparedness for my one essay, it was written poorly in thirty minutes b/c i forgot with the papers i had to write for school the night before...nevertheless i also think for some reason that nothing is a sure thing...maybe they loved my essays i wont ever know...but my mom was livid when i walked in from practice today..i already was in a bad mood after dealing with a mentally rough practice and day and a social issue on the way home...it was ironic - as i was walking in the door and putting my bags down i thought in my head, "I can't wait until I'm in college and done with high school - I never want to see these people again" the next thing i hear - "You got waitlisted at governers school - I'm really worried about college..." and as she continued to ramble on about how shes been worried about my grades and my "lackadaisical attitude" and how she thinks that i "never worry about anything" i just ran right up to my room, locked the door and cried...its true i do try to avoid things with her and probably myself...who wants to confront the possibility that they are jsut not good enough and everything they done and all the hard work theyve put hasnt "cut it"...yes my grades have slipped a little bit this year its the first time ive ever been below a 3.5 and believe me i cared and i worried rather i care and i worry...you think that i dont know that the schools i want to go to are highly selective and tough to get into? you think that i dont know that being 14th in my class isnt high enough? you think that im unaware of the fact that i cant be getting a c in kozol? but have you also thought about what i would have to give up in order to be academically "flawless"? these are the things that make me me...the things that make me happy...maybe its a revolutionary concept or maybe its just underrated...or maybe worst of all ive been tricked into believing that if im happy im sure to succeed...maybe thats jsut not true in my case...maybe i cant do everything...ive tried though...ive tried the 3sport athlete, flautist, artist, student council rep, prom organizer, community volunteer, political campaignist, girlfriend, student thing...you cant do it all perfectly...but im happy...until i think about some of things that have suffered due to this...and that most of all has been my grades...yes im worried that i wont get in where i want...i really truly am...im so scared...everyone who knows me knows that i hold myself to an extremely high standard and that i have set very high goals for myself...im just scared i will fall short...and for the first time ever, today i feel i have.