Less politics, more Kreeme... for once.
So last night I had a good time... with the most wonderful girl EVER! Which somehow this past week I...
I'm not having the easiest time in my life right now. Do you remember how I was having those doubts earlier this year and was feeling like I was lacking direction? Do you remember how on Sukkot I was chiding myself for not moving forward? Well now that I have Ruth in my life, those ideas are ever cognizant. It's not that she asks a lot from me. Quite the opposite. She's happy with me just the way I am (well, she'd appreciate a bit more punctuality). All together though I was really getting down on myself cus I'm in a financial hole and wont be happy with myself if I can't provide for her. That was the first thing weighing in on my mind.
Then Friday night I went to Abundant Life, which is a Bell Curve (25-40) meeting amongst singles and couples where things have evolved to talk about relationships. We have really great talks. Things come out. Well, as I was listening certain doubts started to rise in me. Are the differances in communication between Ruth and myself going to cause a problem? Beyond just the language and cultural barriers, how do I deal when she's utterly private and I'm not? I mean, I post every detail of my life on the web. I gush about myself, it's hard for her to really ascertain, let alone talk, about her feelings. These are some of the doubts that I had before, which she's asked me about. Not having her there with me when I started having those doubts was hard. I don't know if it was in a good way since maybe it gave me clarity (allowing me enough distance), or in a bad way since I didn't have her there to assure me.
The next day we saw each other at Temple. Didn't get to talk much till after the service but maybe we didn't have to. Pastor Alex in his talk on the Parasha, weekly portion of the Torah, focused on blessings. During this talk he mentioned that when he first got married to his wife Anjie that they didn't have anything and he was badly in debt (I only post this since he stated it in a public forum that is broadcast on the web). He couldn't even open a bank account with her but those were some of the happiest years of their lives. Just having each other, with nothing else to worry about was a blessing.
That brought me back to Rut. Ya I'm having problems now but I'll always have problems. As Puffy, Mace and the wise one Biggy Smalls once said, "The mo money we come across, the more problems we see". The more I recieve in this life the more problems I'll see. So, take the bitter with the sweet. As the scriptures say, the Lord gives us good along with the bad so we don't know where the hell our lives are going (Eccl 7:14 K.S.V.- kShaw version)
So I hung out with my babes after service and was hoping to chill with my boy Chandler and his girl Phoebe. Yet apparently they didn't want to hang with us. That's cool, it's their business. I don't even fault them for bailing on us week after week. It's their perogrative. My PROBLEM is that this made my girl cry. She's not the sort that cries over everything either. It's just that her girl is dissing her. She wont return calls, or texts, always has excuses. Ruth felt like they were best friends, and sure her excuses might be valid but getting played like that? I also remember my boy Chandler upset that another friend of our group totally stopped hanging out with the rest of us and how upset he was when she turned her back on us. Well, seems some people memory short. Not trying to do Lashon Hara, so I'm not putting anyone's name or likeness out there. Just throwing a rock in the air.
Rut and I went to a poetry reading after that at this place in Miami where they have arts done seven days a week. It's pretty hot. I enjoyed it immensly. Plus... got in for only five dollars cus I performed. I read two fo my pieces from college. I wanna see if I can come out and do that more often, at least once a month.
After words we got some food and talked. We went through some of her own worries especially as it came to my love of reading and her... disinterest. She then asked me this pointed question. "What if I start going to school and though it's what I want to do I give up because it's hard." I raised a brow and said, "Baby, I wouldn't let you give up on your dream. If I did that, what sort of role models would we be for our kids."
I know, I went for a Cosby answer. It's just how I felt, and what I believed.
Overall, what started as a rocky weekend got better. By the way, she said it. She waited for that thematic pause in our time together late that night and said, "By the way, I love you Too." I hadn't just said it, she just came out of the blue with it. Awesome.
I know, I went into all sorts of TMI, but that's everything that mattered to me this weekend. Any comments, blurbs, thoughts are well come, post em down below. As always I'm kShaw and you've ust been Kreemed.