My three girls..
Well I told myself I would never see her again and I was going to push her away and forget her.. Why can I never stick with what I intend to do.. I did it with Katie and now I am doing it with Lis and both are people who had a big something in my life.. Tammy is still here.. She is complicated but needless to say I have yet to actually let her go.. I guess she is the real thing.. The thing I told myself was not real.. .. .. Love..
Let me start at the begining.. Her name was Katie.. She was my Blue Moon.. I knew her since first grade when I met her on the play ground.. And now I try to remember all the bad things that happened with us.. Maybe doing that over the course of several years they seem more extreme then they really where but to make a bery long story short.. I fell head over heals for her.. Of course I did not understand the truth behind my obcession of her it lead me to hurt myself severly.. I would cut myself with my pets.. I used rats to tear up my arms and I would find ways for the things around me to make me bleed.. I would climb trees and jump from them to land so that I would hurt.. I remember one day I took burning birch bark and burned myself the day I found out she was smoking.. I thought my sacrafice would save her and bring her to me but it didn't.. I would call her and she would not call back.. I tried to stay in her life and I remember I got visiously gelous of all her other friends.. I wanted her for myself.. I did not want to share.. Then I went over the deep end and I blew up at her.. I kicked her out of my life.. It has been two years and I have just allowed her to come back.. Though I am talking to her online only I still find it difficult to actually see her.. I am taking it slow and I know that she is a good person but I am afraid.. Afraid that I still love her.. And so I keep a distance and keep our relationship online only..
And then there was Lis.. I knew her only for four months.. I think I slept with her on our fourth day of meeting eachother after she took me to dinner.. It sort of went down hill from there.. She is the first girl to kiss me, The first person I willingly had sex with.. And made my heart do flips.. I was confused.. I wanted her.. To be with her but I could not let go of my job.. It was all for the best.. I am seriously better off alone, at least until I figure out what is wrong with me.. I don't know if I really loved Lis.. I was deeply confused.. I still am.. She is hot.. I will give her that.. She is everything I find sexy in a woman but what I felt for her was differant.. It was on a leval I never knew exsisted.. When Tammy moved in Lis walked out.. I don't know what the hell happened.. I guess it was meant to be.. Lis did not want a relationship as she said from day one and me, Well I have a bad habit of wanting to keep things for life and take care of them.. I would like to keep Lis as a friend but I find it hard.. I do not deny watching her blogs and comments she leaves on her MySpace account and reading that of her new girl friend.. Though every time I do that it just really stesses me out and I end up getting really depressed.. Shit happens and you flush it down the toilet.. I guess that was what I did on this one.. Only I never knew what I lost until it was gone..
And then there is Tammy.. I don't even know where to begin on this one.. I am still in pain for what happened, what still is happening.. I foolishly fell in love with another strait woman.. It started almost three years ago.. I told her that I loved her.. That I was in love with her.. She said she was flattered and though she loved me it was not the same..
She moved out after a few months because of differant reasons that did not regaurd to me.. Almost 8 months she was gone and our friendship kinda faded a while.. In that time I was with Lis for 4 months and ironically when Lis entered the picture Tammy seemed to come around more often.. Then the unexpected happened.. I wanted Tammy back.. And she moved back in.. That same Week it seemed that Lis left my life.. Tammy and I seemed to grow closer together.. I admit I was forcing myself to not fall for her knowing that it was not right.. She did not share that sort with me.. A few months she came to me.. I remember it well.. I was bathing Reggie in the Groomshop and she told me that she was gay and the reason she knew that was because she wanted to be with me.. Alright I admit it my heart pounded in my chest and I just stared at her.. Did I hear her correctly?? Why did she say that?? I took so long to force my feeling away and she just made them all come back up.. I thought I had it all.. I had the life partner I dreamed of.. When I am with Tammy it is like nothing else mattered.. I was there for her.. I wanted to spoil her and help her in every way.. I wanted to hold her and make all her bad past go away.. But I also feared her to.. Part of me was on gaurd and in disbelief.. Perhaps that was where I went wrong.. Perhaps it was my failure to give her what she needed to turn and love another.. She told me almost a month later that she loved this guy at work.. The same guy who has stalked, harrased and scared her.. She says she loves him.. And even now I can not stop the tears that fall on my cheeks as I write about this.. I am friendly to the jerk for her.. I am supportive and there for her but I admit I still cry.. I lost her.. And at times I even hate her..
Recently I have found I want Tammy around.. When she is gone at night I do not sleep.. I admit a few walls have been punched because I did not know what else to do.. Right now she is with him.. Tammy is far away with a man I believe will hurt her.. But she says she is happy and so I guess I am happy for her.. I want to be happy for her but I can't.. I guess I am a bad person.. I took a walk with Lis and just talked, but when we left for our cars I was left deep in thought and confused.. It will be a while before I can see her again.. I gotta figure things out.. During our walk I kept thinking that it was wrong to walk with her.. Mostly Tammy may get hurt by it.. And then part of me wanted Tammy to see me walking with her to make Tammy hurt..
I really do not know anymore.. I seriously think I am better off alone.. I have failed 3 times at having a normal relationship.. And three times it blew up in my face.. I do not know the differance really but if I had to admit to which of these woman was real love.. I would have to say it was Tammy.. Lis was Well I really do not know.. Lust maybe?? Katie was a school girl crush.. No offence Katie but you where a obcession that went really bad.. But I learned from it..
Let me start at the begining.. Her name was Katie.. She was my Blue Moon.. I knew her since first grade when I met her on the play ground.. And now I try to remember all the bad things that happened with us.. Maybe doing that over the course of several years they seem more extreme then they really where but to make a bery long story short.. I fell head over heals for her.. Of course I did not understand the truth behind my obcession of her it lead me to hurt myself severly.. I would cut myself with my pets.. I used rats to tear up my arms and I would find ways for the things around me to make me bleed.. I would climb trees and jump from them to land so that I would hurt.. I remember one day I took burning birch bark and burned myself the day I found out she was smoking.. I thought my sacrafice would save her and bring her to me but it didn't.. I would call her and she would not call back.. I tried to stay in her life and I remember I got visiously gelous of all her other friends.. I wanted her for myself.. I did not want to share.. Then I went over the deep end and I blew up at her.. I kicked her out of my life.. It has been two years and I have just allowed her to come back.. Though I am talking to her online only I still find it difficult to actually see her.. I am taking it slow and I know that she is a good person but I am afraid.. Afraid that I still love her.. And so I keep a distance and keep our relationship online only..
And then there was Lis.. I knew her only for four months.. I think I slept with her on our fourth day of meeting eachother after she took me to dinner.. It sort of went down hill from there.. She is the first girl to kiss me, The first person I willingly had sex with.. And made my heart do flips.. I was confused.. I wanted her.. To be with her but I could not let go of my job.. It was all for the best.. I am seriously better off alone, at least until I figure out what is wrong with me.. I don't know if I really loved Lis.. I was deeply confused.. I still am.. She is hot.. I will give her that.. She is everything I find sexy in a woman but what I felt for her was differant.. It was on a leval I never knew exsisted.. When Tammy moved in Lis walked out.. I don't know what the hell happened.. I guess it was meant to be.. Lis did not want a relationship as she said from day one and me, Well I have a bad habit of wanting to keep things for life and take care of them.. I would like to keep Lis as a friend but I find it hard.. I do not deny watching her blogs and comments she leaves on her MySpace account and reading that of her new girl friend.. Though every time I do that it just really stesses me out and I end up getting really depressed.. Shit happens and you flush it down the toilet.. I guess that was what I did on this one.. Only I never knew what I lost until it was gone..
And then there is Tammy.. I don't even know where to begin on this one.. I am still in pain for what happened, what still is happening.. I foolishly fell in love with another strait woman.. It started almost three years ago.. I told her that I loved her.. That I was in love with her.. She said she was flattered and though she loved me it was not the same..
She moved out after a few months because of differant reasons that did not regaurd to me.. Almost 8 months she was gone and our friendship kinda faded a while.. In that time I was with Lis for 4 months and ironically when Lis entered the picture Tammy seemed to come around more often.. Then the unexpected happened.. I wanted Tammy back.. And she moved back in.. That same Week it seemed that Lis left my life.. Tammy and I seemed to grow closer together.. I admit I was forcing myself to not fall for her knowing that it was not right.. She did not share that sort with me.. A few months she came to me.. I remember it well.. I was bathing Reggie in the Groomshop and she told me that she was gay and the reason she knew that was because she wanted to be with me.. Alright I admit it my heart pounded in my chest and I just stared at her.. Did I hear her correctly?? Why did she say that?? I took so long to force my feeling away and she just made them all come back up.. I thought I had it all.. I had the life partner I dreamed of.. When I am with Tammy it is like nothing else mattered.. I was there for her.. I wanted to spoil her and help her in every way.. I wanted to hold her and make all her bad past go away.. But I also feared her to.. Part of me was on gaurd and in disbelief.. Perhaps that was where I went wrong.. Perhaps it was my failure to give her what she needed to turn and love another.. She told me almost a month later that she loved this guy at work.. The same guy who has stalked, harrased and scared her.. She says she loves him.. And even now I can not stop the tears that fall on my cheeks as I write about this.. I am friendly to the jerk for her.. I am supportive and there for her but I admit I still cry.. I lost her.. And at times I even hate her..
Recently I have found I want Tammy around.. When she is gone at night I do not sleep.. I admit a few walls have been punched because I did not know what else to do.. Right now she is with him.. Tammy is far away with a man I believe will hurt her.. But she says she is happy and so I guess I am happy for her.. I want to be happy for her but I can't.. I guess I am a bad person.. I took a walk with Lis and just talked, but when we left for our cars I was left deep in thought and confused.. It will be a while before I can see her again.. I gotta figure things out.. During our walk I kept thinking that it was wrong to walk with her.. Mostly Tammy may get hurt by it.. And then part of me wanted Tammy to see me walking with her to make Tammy hurt..
I really do not know anymore.. I seriously think I am better off alone.. I have failed 3 times at having a normal relationship.. And three times it blew up in my face.. I do not know the differance really but if I had to admit to which of these woman was real love.. I would have to say it was Tammy.. Lis was Well I really do not know.. Lust maybe?? Katie was a school girl crush.. No offence Katie but you where a obcession that went really bad.. But I learned from it..