retroactive disappointment, future improvements
WHY THE FUCK DID I QUIT VIOLIN IN THIRD GRADE.
I didn't like being made to practice on a prescribed schedule every day, and my parents knew no other way for me to learn, so the only option my 8-year-old self saw was to quit. And now, I'm so, so disappointed that I made that decision and that my parents didn't push me very hard to reconsider. Oh, woe, unschooling and your lack of mainstream presence!
I hate that I've been too lazy to keep at anything long enough and/or consistently enough to really see any marked improvement. It kind of makes me wonder what could've been, you know?
But I do know that I am still alive, and therefore haven't lost the opportunity to Become Something. "Every second is another chance to turn it all around." What's that line from?
One thing that I'm sorta bummed about that I know that I can change is the way my body has fallen into this fairly non-expressive, slumped mass of flesh and bone. I sit around with my arms at my sides all the time; partly because of disability, partly because I trained myself to keep my arms invisible when I was self-injuring. (Thank God that's over.) I haven't danced in so long, all I do anymore is bob my head side-to-side.
I mean, part of this is disability, but part of it's laziness, too. I do have limits but I think with practice I'd be more capable of physical expression. I'm a quiet girl in general, with new people especially, but I have major urges to be more animated, less reserved.
I think exercise, perhaps some (assistive?) yoga, and massage therapy would help a lot. (I got a massage once while I was at college, and man, when I stepped off the bus after getting back to campus I felt like my body was kind of bouncing and floating, rather than the sensation of lumbering along with gravity as my mortal enemy that I usually have.)
The root of all this, I guess, is that I feel a need for self-expression other than writing. I like writing and I'm good at it, so I'm not saying I want to give that up entirely in pursuit of something else. I just want more.
(And no, I'm not in a bad mood. Just feeling passionate yet frustrated. :) )
I didn't like being made to practice on a prescribed schedule every day, and my parents knew no other way for me to learn, so the only option my 8-year-old self saw was to quit. And now, I'm so, so disappointed that I made that decision and that my parents didn't push me very hard to reconsider. Oh, woe, unschooling and your lack of mainstream presence!
I hate that I've been too lazy to keep at anything long enough and/or consistently enough to really see any marked improvement. It kind of makes me wonder what could've been, you know?
But I do know that I am still alive, and therefore haven't lost the opportunity to Become Something. "Every second is another chance to turn it all around." What's that line from?
One thing that I'm sorta bummed about that I know that I can change is the way my body has fallen into this fairly non-expressive, slumped mass of flesh and bone. I sit around with my arms at my sides all the time; partly because of disability, partly because I trained myself to keep my arms invisible when I was self-injuring. (Thank God that's over.) I haven't danced in so long, all I do anymore is bob my head side-to-side.
I mean, part of this is disability, but part of it's laziness, too. I do have limits but I think with practice I'd be more capable of physical expression. I'm a quiet girl in general, with new people especially, but I have major urges to be more animated, less reserved.
I think exercise, perhaps some (assistive?) yoga, and massage therapy would help a lot. (I got a massage once while I was at college, and man, when I stepped off the bus after getting back to campus I felt like my body was kind of bouncing and floating, rather than the sensation of lumbering along with gravity as my mortal enemy that I usually have.)
The root of all this, I guess, is that I feel a need for self-expression other than writing. I like writing and I'm good at it, so I'm not saying I want to give that up entirely in pursuit of something else. I just want more.
(And no, I'm not in a bad mood. Just feeling passionate yet frustrated. :) )