My poly coming-out!
(I posted this to Dreamwidth last night and I guess there are cross-posting issues. So here you go!)
So here's something kinda wacky and out of nowhere!
Matt and I decided last fall to open up our relationship. I've discussed this briefly in posts here in the past, and it's something I've been reading about and contemplating as a relationship style that could work for me for years, but I wasn't sure I'd ever feel brave enough to actually attempt it in real life. And now we are. Neither of us definitely has had any outside partners of any kind thus far, but the option is there.
When I was seventeen and in my first romantic relationship, I ended things with the guy because, well, for one thing, he was mega-clingy and I wasn't ready to be so serious at seventeen. I was only with him for three months--he broke things off with me at first because he felt I wasn't "taking things seriously enough," whatever that means for 17- and 19-year-olds... then he begged for me back, and a few weeks later he blew up at me for going out and having semi-reckless but *harmless* teenage fun with a friend, and I decided I'd had it. I remember, during one of our last phone conversations as a couple, I described a situation where I was friendly and romantic with a group of people who all cared about one another, and we were all free to cuddle and have sex in whatever arrangement we liked so long as everyone was cool with it. He told me that was a "wrong" sort of philosophy to have, and I internalized it as an immature fear of commitment on my part. (I still broke up with him, though.)
Fast forward to now. I've been reading the poly communities on LJ for a long time, and I know a few people who are in some form of non-monogamous relationship. I also listen to Dan Savage's podcast and one related to polyamory. And while I don't necessarily want to be in a relationship involving multiple people (I don't necessarily want to rule it out, though, either!), I've arrived at the conclusion that non-monogamy is something I'm interested in. I'm with Matt, and I want to continue being with and living with him (most of the time... teehee). We work well as a couple and we both love each other a lot, and I don't want to have to end our relationship because one or the other of us is attracted to someone else and thinks that attraction could also be worth pursuing.
It's also a bit of a personal development thing, for me at least. In order to maintain a non-monogamous relationship successfully, one must be self-aware enough to recognize when one feels jealous, and what might be the cause of that, rather than just immediately turning into a pile of rage and suspicion and insecurity if one's partner looks at another crosswise. Communication is also key, and communication skills are something I am always looking to develop in myself. Growing up in a pretty dysfunctional family with communication not being a priority, and struggles with alcohol overuse thrown into the mix, I don't exactly have the best framework to build from, but I think I am doing pretty good. Having some distance from that whole situation has helped immensely, and in terms of actually speaking, the same-sex marriage campaign worked wonders for me. I think I have much better voice control, less stuttering... and I think I even sing better!
I'm still fairly introverted so meeting new partners has proven a tad difficult for me thus far. I am pretty much sticking to OKCupid but I even get shy and feel awkward initiating conversations there. :D
But... yeah... that's probably the largest development in my interpersonal life in the recent past and I hadn't written about it yet here, so I wanted to. :)
So here's something kinda wacky and out of nowhere!
Matt and I decided last fall to open up our relationship. I've discussed this briefly in posts here in the past, and it's something I've been reading about and contemplating as a relationship style that could work for me for years, but I wasn't sure I'd ever feel brave enough to actually attempt it in real life. And now we are. Neither of us definitely has had any outside partners of any kind thus far, but the option is there.
When I was seventeen and in my first romantic relationship, I ended things with the guy because, well, for one thing, he was mega-clingy and I wasn't ready to be so serious at seventeen. I was only with him for three months--he broke things off with me at first because he felt I wasn't "taking things seriously enough," whatever that means for 17- and 19-year-olds... then he begged for me back, and a few weeks later he blew up at me for going out and having semi-reckless but *harmless* teenage fun with a friend, and I decided I'd had it. I remember, during one of our last phone conversations as a couple, I described a situation where I was friendly and romantic with a group of people who all cared about one another, and we were all free to cuddle and have sex in whatever arrangement we liked so long as everyone was cool with it. He told me that was a "wrong" sort of philosophy to have, and I internalized it as an immature fear of commitment on my part. (I still broke up with him, though.)
Fast forward to now. I've been reading the poly communities on LJ for a long time, and I know a few people who are in some form of non-monogamous relationship. I also listen to Dan Savage's podcast and one related to polyamory. And while I don't necessarily want to be in a relationship involving multiple people (I don't necessarily want to rule it out, though, either!), I've arrived at the conclusion that non-monogamy is something I'm interested in. I'm with Matt, and I want to continue being with and living with him (most of the time... teehee). We work well as a couple and we both love each other a lot, and I don't want to have to end our relationship because one or the other of us is attracted to someone else and thinks that attraction could also be worth pursuing.
It's also a bit of a personal development thing, for me at least. In order to maintain a non-monogamous relationship successfully, one must be self-aware enough to recognize when one feels jealous, and what might be the cause of that, rather than just immediately turning into a pile of rage and suspicion and insecurity if one's partner looks at another crosswise. Communication is also key, and communication skills are something I am always looking to develop in myself. Growing up in a pretty dysfunctional family with communication not being a priority, and struggles with alcohol overuse thrown into the mix, I don't exactly have the best framework to build from, but I think I am doing pretty good. Having some distance from that whole situation has helped immensely, and in terms of actually speaking, the same-sex marriage campaign worked wonders for me. I think I have much better voice control, less stuttering... and I think I even sing better!
I'm still fairly introverted so meeting new partners has proven a tad difficult for me thus far. I am pretty much sticking to OKCupid but I even get shy and feel awkward initiating conversations there. :D
But... yeah... that's probably the largest development in my interpersonal life in the recent past and I hadn't written about it yet here, so I wanted to. :)