Tea and deer bones
So, in case no one's noticed I've been kind of neglecting to regurgitate the happenings of my personal life on here, and that's partially because I still haven't entirely digested everything, and partially because I've been trying to immerse myself more in my academic accomplishments than my sort of back-burner real life.
So at the risk of boring you even more, I'll try to keep it short.
Things with Casey were kind of...so-so over the summer. I had a horrible incident with a hypnotist that pissed him off. He had a horrible incident with a bottle of tequila that pissed me off. Overall though no intention hurt was done, and we decided to leave it at "we learned from our mistakes."
Admittedly, I wasn't sure if I was still in love with him anymore. I felt like we were already at such a rocky place, and even though no intention damage was done, accidents still cause casualities, and I didn't know how to take any more blows.
But I knew I was strong enough to hold on and wait, because I didn't want to make the mistake of breaking things off prematurely and then regretting it.
So I waited, and we got through a few more minor incidences, and we went back to our respective colleges and began working again so that now we see each other once a week if we're lucky. And I don't know whether it's the distance and space that going back to school gives us, but I'm glad I decided to stick with it.
There's still alot of things that I'm not sure about, and still alot of damage done that hurts still, but I feel like it's also helped me to become more understanding, and also stronger.
I know now, that if he did something stupid and left again it would be over for good. And I know that it would be okay, and that I wouldn't become the absolute wreck that I became last year.
Speaking of which, I had a nightmare about that...
I dreampt that I was talking with Casey and he told me that he really wasn't in love with me anymore, and that he was just with me for convenience. That he didn't need to be with anyone else, because I fulfilled the sex and he didn't feel ready to have sex with anyone else just yet. But that he didn't love me, and that he didn't want to pretend that he did anymore.
I remember waking up in a sweat in the middle of the night, thinking, "Oh...okay, that was a dream..." And then promptly falling back asleep where I couldn't seperate dream from reality and wanted to text him just to see if he would say "I love you" back or not so I could distinguish the dream from the reality. This dream went on and off for a good ten hours, and at the end of it, I realized that I really just wanted to know what happened so I could define the parameters of our relationship, not so much because I was worried that it was really over.
I feel like the space has really helped in alot of ways though...and having my own bedroom now has helped too...like I don't have to be sexiled in the midst of important private conversations anymore.
Anyway.
I write this while drinking tea that's gone cold while I worked on the design for my revived deer spine lamp, which is actually physically consecrating now. I'm expecting a deer skull and coyote skull in the mail (thank you ebay taxidermists) and will, with any luck, have it done in time for my senior art show project.
But there I go with my academic escapisms again...
So at the risk of boring you even more, I'll try to keep it short.
Things with Casey were kind of...so-so over the summer. I had a horrible incident with a hypnotist that pissed him off. He had a horrible incident with a bottle of tequila that pissed me off. Overall though no intention hurt was done, and we decided to leave it at "we learned from our mistakes."
Admittedly, I wasn't sure if I was still in love with him anymore. I felt like we were already at such a rocky place, and even though no intention damage was done, accidents still cause casualities, and I didn't know how to take any more blows.
But I knew I was strong enough to hold on and wait, because I didn't want to make the mistake of breaking things off prematurely and then regretting it.
So I waited, and we got through a few more minor incidences, and we went back to our respective colleges and began working again so that now we see each other once a week if we're lucky. And I don't know whether it's the distance and space that going back to school gives us, but I'm glad I decided to stick with it.
There's still alot of things that I'm not sure about, and still alot of damage done that hurts still, but I feel like it's also helped me to become more understanding, and also stronger.
I know now, that if he did something stupid and left again it would be over for good. And I know that it would be okay, and that I wouldn't become the absolute wreck that I became last year.
Speaking of which, I had a nightmare about that...
I dreampt that I was talking with Casey and he told me that he really wasn't in love with me anymore, and that he was just with me for convenience. That he didn't need to be with anyone else, because I fulfilled the sex and he didn't feel ready to have sex with anyone else just yet. But that he didn't love me, and that he didn't want to pretend that he did anymore.
I remember waking up in a sweat in the middle of the night, thinking, "Oh...okay, that was a dream..." And then promptly falling back asleep where I couldn't seperate dream from reality and wanted to text him just to see if he would say "I love you" back or not so I could distinguish the dream from the reality. This dream went on and off for a good ten hours, and at the end of it, I realized that I really just wanted to know what happened so I could define the parameters of our relationship, not so much because I was worried that it was really over.
I feel like the space has really helped in alot of ways though...and having my own bedroom now has helped too...like I don't have to be sexiled in the midst of important private conversations anymore.
Anyway.
I write this while drinking tea that's gone cold while I worked on the design for my revived deer spine lamp, which is actually physically consecrating now. I'm expecting a deer skull and coyote skull in the mail (thank you ebay taxidermists) and will, with any luck, have it done in time for my senior art show project.
But there I go with my academic escapisms again...