Feeling Empty...
Feeling empty. Feeling alone. So friggen alone.
I hurt. Things are rough right now. D's been officially diagnosed with depression, and has started medication for it. He's still within the first two weeks, so nothing really noticeable has happened yet.
I dont think there's anyone left that actually gives a shit about me, as a person. Oh yeah, everyone cares that I'm a good mom, and that kiddo is turning out so well. Well yeah, that's the one thing in life that's seeming to go right.
My marriage is in shambles. And I don't know if there's any hope of ever fixing it. I can't trust him. And every day it seems more and more like he really just doesnt care anymore.
Its sick when there's more passion in a video of him masturbating for his F'ing COUSIN then there is when he's with me in bed. It's sick, and I don't know how to deal with this.
I keep thinking that if things get better I could move on, I could get over it.
Things don't change.
I'm still stuck working nights to keep what financial/job security I've been able to work my ass off to get. He's still working days at a dead end retail hole. Finances are doing alright, which means we're able to plan things like vacation. Emotionally, I'm starting to think our marriage really is dead.
We seemed to be on a good path, and for Mother's day I took back the real wedding ring he'd gotten me for Christmas. And it's been nearly all downhill since. We have an occaisonal good day, but the arguments and the snapping drowns them out in memory.
I can't take it much longer. It's been years since I've been as low as I am right now emotionally. But the few friends I had, that cared enough then to be the true friends I needed, and could and would help, are no longer close to me for several reasons.
God I feel so alone. So empty, forgotten, and alone.
Starting to think that while kiddos gone this summer I need to seriously work on what it would take for me to be ready to be on my own again with him once he comes back from NY.
Gods, how I wish I could just get in the car and drive, and not look back.
Gods I wish I knew of a place I was actually wanted.
Its sad when a husband can say I love you, and then not be able to answer "Yes" when asked if its worth a little effort to show his wife he really cares about her. If thats so much in doubt, then things aren't nearly what they seemed to be.
Ah well. Enough whining. Kiddo wants a snack, and as I've been awake nearly 24 hours, I need a nap. Maybe I can cry myself to sleep for a while, and maybe things will feel better when I wake.
Somehow, I doubt they will. I need it, want it so badly, but all that comes now is the tears.
And I'm starting to run out of tears. I'm just empty.
I'm just alone.
I hurt. Things are rough right now. D's been officially diagnosed with depression, and has started medication for it. He's still within the first two weeks, so nothing really noticeable has happened yet.
I dont think there's anyone left that actually gives a shit about me, as a person. Oh yeah, everyone cares that I'm a good mom, and that kiddo is turning out so well. Well yeah, that's the one thing in life that's seeming to go right.
My marriage is in shambles. And I don't know if there's any hope of ever fixing it. I can't trust him. And every day it seems more and more like he really just doesnt care anymore.
Its sick when there's more passion in a video of him masturbating for his F'ing COUSIN then there is when he's with me in bed. It's sick, and I don't know how to deal with this.
I keep thinking that if things get better I could move on, I could get over it.
Things don't change.
I'm still stuck working nights to keep what financial/job security I've been able to work my ass off to get. He's still working days at a dead end retail hole. Finances are doing alright, which means we're able to plan things like vacation. Emotionally, I'm starting to think our marriage really is dead.
We seemed to be on a good path, and for Mother's day I took back the real wedding ring he'd gotten me for Christmas. And it's been nearly all downhill since. We have an occaisonal good day, but the arguments and the snapping drowns them out in memory.
I can't take it much longer. It's been years since I've been as low as I am right now emotionally. But the few friends I had, that cared enough then to be the true friends I needed, and could and would help, are no longer close to me for several reasons.
God I feel so alone. So empty, forgotten, and alone.
Starting to think that while kiddos gone this summer I need to seriously work on what it would take for me to be ready to be on my own again with him once he comes back from NY.
Gods, how I wish I could just get in the car and drive, and not look back.
Gods I wish I knew of a place I was actually wanted.
Its sad when a husband can say I love you, and then not be able to answer "Yes" when asked if its worth a little effort to show his wife he really cares about her. If thats so much in doubt, then things aren't nearly what they seemed to be.
Ah well. Enough whining. Kiddo wants a snack, and as I've been awake nearly 24 hours, I need a nap. Maybe I can cry myself to sleep for a while, and maybe things will feel better when I wake.
Somehow, I doubt they will. I need it, want it so badly, but all that comes now is the tears.
And I'm starting to run out of tears. I'm just empty.
I'm just alone.