Melt.
I had an encounter today. Over the last few days, after having a conversation with a fomer infatuation of mine, i realized what it was that I saw in him to begin with.I could go into detail, but it makes me seem (1) easy and (2) ditzy. But the point is, that conversation with him not too long ago had me reflecting on crushes past. Today I had an encounter with one of my former crushes... from what seems like 10 lifetimes ago. And I burried my feelings for him a long time ago. I really, really, really liked him when I was much younger and a totally different person. And then high school came and went. And although we keept a friendship (which was never as close as it once was) we went our seperate ways. We just grew apart and our lives took us in seperate directions... or so it would seem. Although talking to him today I don;t think we were as far apart as I once thought we were... but that's another story. Whenever we'd cross paths in high school I often asked myself what it was that I saw in him. He was so differnt from the guy he was when we first met. I mean what I felt for him (when we were so young) was probaly the closet thing I have ever felt to love... I mean it was truly puppy love... we were kids. And it wasn;t love, I know it but I am trying to emphasize that this was a strong, emotional connection, we once had. When he'd walk in the room he'd make my little heart pitter-patter. I'd get butterflies when talking to him. But unlike most of my friends at the time, I didn;t follow him, stalk him or anything creepy and possesive like that because I liked a guy. Instad I cultivated a friendship, and in the years between cooties and dating it was hard for most girls to have a real deep, meaningful, friendship with anyone, let alone and member of the opposite sex without trying to find out if he liked you back, But back to today. Life took us in seperate directionsm but for a few moments, I was brought back to what it felt like when I was still a kid. When I lived for the moment where we'd talk and hang out or even he;d just smile. Today when I saw him at first we were in a group he was busy with something else but when he saw me, he flashed me that smile. I melted. I thought I would never think of him in that way again, he'd never fit into my life. But, man, he made me melt. No one has made me melt. He was the one and only guy to ever do that to me. We spent some time together and in that short time. He made me laugh, I mean really laugh. Like I did when I was 13. For a few moments I was happy again. My troubles dissappeared, and he made me happy. At one point he took off his sweater and draped it over me and I just thought,,, there was a time when I would have died to be wrapped in his sweater. It smelled like fresh laundy and his clogne. We even had a small playful argument which resulted in a very small chase in a circle. And it reminded me of when he would chase me around the baseball field, calling me "shorty" becasue over the summer he had a growth spirt which finally made him taller than me. We even shared a moment like the ones we did back in the day, where he opened up to me and I opened up to him. We still have a friendship, a trust. One that goes back so far. How is it possible to not even talk to someone (I mean really talk none of that idle chit chat crap) for four years and then in one day for it to seem like no time has passed.
What really sucks is. We'll never "get togther". We never tried back then because we felt too pressured by our friends. Well at least I did. And I think we both realized that our friendship was too strong to do anything more. I realize this is giving a lot of credit to 12 year olds but I've never connected with anyone else like that. And I think very few people have. I know he cared about me back then, otherwise he wouldn't have tolerated me (because he didn;t tolerate my friends), or confided in me or tried to make me feel better when my world came crashing down. He stopped his friends from picking on my friends... things that 12 year old boys don't do unless they care.
Today we;d never get together for other reasons. One he is involved with someone. And two we are still two different people. The kind that don;t often cross paths. The ones that don't often cultivate friendships. But when I finally realized that he and I would never be back then, I thought well we'd have our day, our chance... today gave me hope that even if it;s not him. I'll find someone who will make me melt again. And although today probably didn't mean much to him... it means something to me. He made me melt.
What really sucks is. We'll never "get togther". We never tried back then because we felt too pressured by our friends. Well at least I did. And I think we both realized that our friendship was too strong to do anything more. I realize this is giving a lot of credit to 12 year olds but I've never connected with anyone else like that. And I think very few people have. I know he cared about me back then, otherwise he wouldn't have tolerated me (because he didn;t tolerate my friends), or confided in me or tried to make me feel better when my world came crashing down. He stopped his friends from picking on my friends... things that 12 year old boys don't do unless they care.
Today we;d never get together for other reasons. One he is involved with someone. And two we are still two different people. The kind that don;t often cross paths. The ones that don't often cultivate friendships. But when I finally realized that he and I would never be back then, I thought well we'd have our day, our chance... today gave me hope that even if it;s not him. I'll find someone who will make me melt again. And although today probably didn't mean much to him... it means something to me. He made me melt.