Even this retelling seems cold and unattached.
Okay, so this is a hard one for me. In part because I don't know if I have the guts to be more honest with myself here than I do in my head. I keep pushing my real feelings away from me. My dad has cancer... there it's out there for all the world to know and understand my crazy mood swings! It has and hasn't hit me. I cried about it for the first time three days ago, after almost three weeks of knowing. Before that I was just waiting. My eyes would get teary but never full on tears. The same thing kind of happened after my uncle passed... it took a while for the tears to come. But I had way more relief when they came than I did this time. It was also a one time thing, I'm sure it will hit me again at some point.
I know I'm angry but that anger makes me feel guilty. I don't know what to do with it.
I've kept myself busy, ignoring a lot of what I'm feeling because I'm at home and I don't want to take my anger out on my family. There are some friends who I've turned to for distraction... most don't know what's going on with me though. So you now all officially have permission to let it flow through the grape vine, so I won't have to have awkward conversations announcing it. That's the other reason I'm writing this is so you all know and let it flow through the group.
On the note of awkward conversations. I finally had to field one of the family phone calls, and the least likely person hit the situation right on the head and I didn't know what to say. Her words of comfort were not really comforting, but hard hitting simply because it was honest... for once an honest response from her. But I couldn't comfort her any more than she could comfort me. And it didn't help that I was on the phone and she couldn't see my head nodding in agreement, probably making things more awkward.
I know I'm angry but that anger makes me feel guilty. I don't know what to do with it.
I've kept myself busy, ignoring a lot of what I'm feeling because I'm at home and I don't want to take my anger out on my family. There are some friends who I've turned to for distraction... most don't know what's going on with me though. So you now all officially have permission to let it flow through the grape vine, so I won't have to have awkward conversations announcing it. That's the other reason I'm writing this is so you all know and let it flow through the group.
On the note of awkward conversations. I finally had to field one of the family phone calls, and the least likely person hit the situation right on the head and I didn't know what to say. Her words of comfort were not really comforting, but hard hitting simply because it was honest... for once an honest response from her. But I couldn't comfort her any more than she could comfort me. And it didn't help that I was on the phone and she couldn't see my head nodding in agreement, probably making things more awkward.