(no subject)
I'm feeling a little better today. I have homework to do tonight and also a movie to watch, I am watching 7th Heaven tonight, and I could call my mom. So I have plenty to do to keep myself busy if Chris doesn't want to talk to me today. I wrote myself a note and put it next to my computer (also where I keep my phone) yelling at myself saying not to contact Chris. And I actually think it is helpful because as I sit here I see it and so the thought doesn't come into my mind as much as it usually would. I talked to a few people about it today. It was such a burden to keep mainly to myself and I need to get it out like, this is why I am not in the best mood lately, this is what is going on. Everyone seems to think it will work out okay which makes me feel like it will. I have already accepted that maybe we won't talk tonight. As much as I want to, he may choose not to call. It will be lonely but I will get through it just like I got through the other days we didn't talk. It's not like we'll never talk to each other again.
I was stressing a lot over spring break, even though I have a month to think about it, because I feel pressured by my mom to make the decision right now. Today I decided that when I talk to her I am just going to tell her I am going to see Chris. And then if it doesn't work out and for some reason I do decide to go to Louisiana, I am going to just tell her that when the decision is made, and then offer to pay any extra that it costs for a flight since I waited. Really prices don't go up that much but for my mom it's like a big deal. She will be mad because I want to go see Chris, she will tell me how much the family wants to see me or whatever, but I am already planning to come in May for my sister's graduation and so at least she knows that. I think until I get out of school and get married, my relationship with my mom is always going to be a struggle. She will always fight every decision I make, because my decisions are never to spend time with her. And I hate that it has to be so difficult every time I want to do something. But that's just how it is and all I can do is get through it and remind myself that it is only for another year and a half or so that I have to really be that concerned with her and what she wants, because after that I'll be out of school and more on my own in her eyes.
Classes today weren't bad. I had my 2 religion classes. I actually woke up very awake and alert...I went to bed pretty early last night because I had such a bad day and I wanted it to be over. I'm trying not to be so down on myself over this stuff with Chris. Well my first class we just watched a video about Hinduism. It is interesting because as different as it is from Christianity, Judaism, etc. it is much more similar than it appears to be if you don't know anything about it. Like the big difference is in that they have multiple gods. However, they don't see it like others see it. They believe that there is one power or god, and that there are different representations but all of the same god. But different. It is hard to explain. But it is the belief that God is in all things and in many forms which is also a Christian belief, but not quite as literally for Christians. Well the thing too with most Christians is that they believe it is perfectly fine for Jesus to be equal to God, for Jesus and God to both be divine and be the same. But then they don't understand why there are different representations of God in Hinduism. I personally don't believe that Jesus is any more God than any other human. Well I believe he is God's son. But he is not God. He was just put on earth to give a certain message about God and to bring people closer to God through him. He is more than human but he is not divine in my opinion. Just like I don't believe that Hindu gods are God. But I do agree with the concept that God does exist everywhere. Hmm that didn't make much sense but it is hard to explain.
Yeah so anyway...my other class was okay, Women's Spiritual Autobiography. Well the problem is that certain people talk all the time. So even though what I am trying to accomplish in that class is to be more open and to not be afraid to speak in class even about myself, I can't get a word in when I want to. But in the end Jan asked me and this other girl specifically what we thought about the book we'd read for class because she could tell that we had things on our mind but hadn't been able to say anything. Some people just talk so much, and there is nothing wrong with talking but they also need to learn to give other people a chance who are less outgoing, who it might take a minute for them to get to the point where they do want to say something, and who may not want to say as much, but still want to be included in the conversation. So I am hoping that as the semester goes on they will see that and it will get easier to talk in there.
Okay so this was a long entry but I guess I am going to go do some homework now. Have to read some of Wuthering Heights and also something by some other writer, I forget who, in the "textbook" for the class or whatever. I may write some more later tonight...okay I will because I always do.
I was stressing a lot over spring break, even though I have a month to think about it, because I feel pressured by my mom to make the decision right now. Today I decided that when I talk to her I am just going to tell her I am going to see Chris. And then if it doesn't work out and for some reason I do decide to go to Louisiana, I am going to just tell her that when the decision is made, and then offer to pay any extra that it costs for a flight since I waited. Really prices don't go up that much but for my mom it's like a big deal. She will be mad because I want to go see Chris, she will tell me how much the family wants to see me or whatever, but I am already planning to come in May for my sister's graduation and so at least she knows that. I think until I get out of school and get married, my relationship with my mom is always going to be a struggle. She will always fight every decision I make, because my decisions are never to spend time with her. And I hate that it has to be so difficult every time I want to do something. But that's just how it is and all I can do is get through it and remind myself that it is only for another year and a half or so that I have to really be that concerned with her and what she wants, because after that I'll be out of school and more on my own in her eyes.
Classes today weren't bad. I had my 2 religion classes. I actually woke up very awake and alert...I went to bed pretty early last night because I had such a bad day and I wanted it to be over. I'm trying not to be so down on myself over this stuff with Chris. Well my first class we just watched a video about Hinduism. It is interesting because as different as it is from Christianity, Judaism, etc. it is much more similar than it appears to be if you don't know anything about it. Like the big difference is in that they have multiple gods. However, they don't see it like others see it. They believe that there is one power or god, and that there are different representations but all of the same god. But different. It is hard to explain. But it is the belief that God is in all things and in many forms which is also a Christian belief, but not quite as literally for Christians. Well the thing too with most Christians is that they believe it is perfectly fine for Jesus to be equal to God, for Jesus and God to both be divine and be the same. But then they don't understand why there are different representations of God in Hinduism. I personally don't believe that Jesus is any more God than any other human. Well I believe he is God's son. But he is not God. He was just put on earth to give a certain message about God and to bring people closer to God through him. He is more than human but he is not divine in my opinion. Just like I don't believe that Hindu gods are God. But I do agree with the concept that God does exist everywhere. Hmm that didn't make much sense but it is hard to explain.
Yeah so anyway...my other class was okay, Women's Spiritual Autobiography. Well the problem is that certain people talk all the time. So even though what I am trying to accomplish in that class is to be more open and to not be afraid to speak in class even about myself, I can't get a word in when I want to. But in the end Jan asked me and this other girl specifically what we thought about the book we'd read for class because she could tell that we had things on our mind but hadn't been able to say anything. Some people just talk so much, and there is nothing wrong with talking but they also need to learn to give other people a chance who are less outgoing, who it might take a minute for them to get to the point where they do want to say something, and who may not want to say as much, but still want to be included in the conversation. So I am hoping that as the semester goes on they will see that and it will get easier to talk in there.
Okay so this was a long entry but I guess I am going to go do some homework now. Have to read some of Wuthering Heights and also something by some other writer, I forget who, in the "textbook" for the class or whatever. I may write some more later tonight...okay I will because I always do.