(no subject)
ok
i know that i only post when i'm particularly upset about something, but i've been freaking out lately and i need to get it off my chest.
i am leaving for new zealand and not only am i leaving behind my friends and family but an amazing guy who i've been dating for 4 months who i quite likely will never see again...
sure we will stay in touch, but it's wierd to be sleeping with someone that you know in two weeks will never again be a part of your life.
this is just one of a whole list of things i'm nervous about but as i sit here, in brians apartment, on brians computer, i can't imagine what it's going to be like when i don't get to see him anymore...
then i think about the girls he has dated and the girls he is going to date and i get jealous that we can't see this through till the end... whenever that may be...
it just seems unfair that i'll never know how far this can go
he left for los angeles on monday and got back last night... it was the final interview in a long process in which he met a bunch of the people he's going to be working with...
he was only gone for two days, and normally it wouldn't bother me at all, but as soon as i saw him walk into the airport i realized this isn't just two days, it's a test of forever... and i really didn't pass... as he waved goodbye tears welled up in my eyes and i had to hold them back until i was out of sight of him.
i'm not sure how long it will take me to get over him, especially in a country like new zealand, where i'm sure there will be a lot to distract me....
i feel unequipped to handle the next two weeks, prancing along as if nothing was wrong... and then suddenly end it? like it never happened? it's too wierd, and unfair, and depressing, and it's making me not be the fun person he wants to hang out with.
anyway, i'm constantly emotional, and i didn't think i was going to make it without crying when i picked him up from the airport yesterday... i even thought about going home after i dropped him off because being with him is almost just too painful.
the worst part is, i dont' want to be dramatic and bring up this issue with him, and i'm not sure exactly how he feels aobut me... i mean i know he likes spending time with me, but i'm almost to the l word and i have no idea if we're on the same page or not... i sort of just want him to be an asshole and cheat on me and beat me up or somthing... that way i could feel good about leaving, instead of feeling like i'm missing out on a really good thing
i know that i only post when i'm particularly upset about something, but i've been freaking out lately and i need to get it off my chest.
i am leaving for new zealand and not only am i leaving behind my friends and family but an amazing guy who i've been dating for 4 months who i quite likely will never see again...
sure we will stay in touch, but it's wierd to be sleeping with someone that you know in two weeks will never again be a part of your life.
this is just one of a whole list of things i'm nervous about but as i sit here, in brians apartment, on brians computer, i can't imagine what it's going to be like when i don't get to see him anymore...
then i think about the girls he has dated and the girls he is going to date and i get jealous that we can't see this through till the end... whenever that may be...
it just seems unfair that i'll never know how far this can go
he left for los angeles on monday and got back last night... it was the final interview in a long process in which he met a bunch of the people he's going to be working with...
he was only gone for two days, and normally it wouldn't bother me at all, but as soon as i saw him walk into the airport i realized this isn't just two days, it's a test of forever... and i really didn't pass... as he waved goodbye tears welled up in my eyes and i had to hold them back until i was out of sight of him.
i'm not sure how long it will take me to get over him, especially in a country like new zealand, where i'm sure there will be a lot to distract me....
i feel unequipped to handle the next two weeks, prancing along as if nothing was wrong... and then suddenly end it? like it never happened? it's too wierd, and unfair, and depressing, and it's making me not be the fun person he wants to hang out with.
anyway, i'm constantly emotional, and i didn't think i was going to make it without crying when i picked him up from the airport yesterday... i even thought about going home after i dropped him off because being with him is almost just too painful.
the worst part is, i dont' want to be dramatic and bring up this issue with him, and i'm not sure exactly how he feels aobut me... i mean i know he likes spending time with me, but i'm almost to the l word and i have no idea if we're on the same page or not... i sort of just want him to be an asshole and cheat on me and beat me up or somthing... that way i could feel good about leaving, instead of feeling like i'm missing out on a really good thing